Author's Note: I want ya'll to think way back to Sparrow's Song…remember Ariana's letter to Peeta?...well…

Thanks go to my reviewers: HL, Otter, E-W-Dragon and JB

Chapter 30

The Letter

I watch from the sidelines. I don't come into the open, even if I wanted, even if I yearn to protect Peeta and Katniss. I can't.

Despite having heard the speech in Five enough time I can tell this year has the feel of doom, the district Twelve mayor look out on the citizens and he manages to get the speech out without growling his frustration. I know in Five Mayor Ohms will be glaring daggers at Perry. Mayor Undersee seems to resign as Effie comes over and does the joke of a reaping.

Katniss marches up, and before Effie Trinket can even utter Haymitch, Peeta has volunteered.

The mayor calls for the families to say goodbye but neither the Everdeens nor the Mellarks go.

Thread seems confused as the three victors look resolute and march off to the train when he says there has been a change in plans.

I don't react, but Gale keeps an eye until he spots me.

I hold onto the satchel's leather strap with all the strength I am holding back to wallop Romulous Thread across the face.

"Ria" Harry catches up to me. He hugs me tightly as I start to cry into his chest, "there now its gonna be fine"

"She alright?" I hear Gale come over.

"Maybe a bit overcome" Harry says, "take her home Gale, we'll have supper later"

Gale holds me protectively. We end up in the meadow, sitting like Peeta and I had that morning.

"I can't imagine what was going thru your mind" he finally says, "I know I was angry, and hurt that I couldn't take Peeta's place to protect Katniss. I think you were thinking the same but with Katniss"

"I feel disgusted with myself" I spit angrily and feel the tears build up all over again, "hiding like a coward, I'm a victor Gale I should have been up there not them, never them"

He doesn't say anything which I take as agreement. I get up.

"Where you goin'?" he looks up confused

"I have to find a way to get into the game" I say

Before I can take a step he is up and has wrapped me in his arm, "no Ariana, a thousand times and one no" he says, "you did all you could and them some, goin' and outing yourself will do nothing for them"

"How do you know?" I spin around and push him off, "how do you know I can't do anything?"

"Calm down" he says hands up in surrender, "look we can't do anything here; we can only hope something happens"

Something

Yes, I forgot, "something is going to happen" I say, I feel my heart ache because I was trying to push Gale away to distance myself from someone who genuinely cared for me.

He guides me back down to the ground, he can tell this is something I had been hiding from him.

"You can trust me y'know" he says to try and get it out of me.

"Can I trust you not to fly off the deep end?" I look at him, "no getting angry at me okay?"

He nods

"Plutarch, he's the gamemaker this year, he's going to rig the game, so the tributes…well returning victors will be able to escape" I finally say after balling my courage

"How do you know?" he asks, I don't answer, "Ari-"

"Later okay? When I'm not on the verge of crying again?" I look at him

He nods, "let's get you home" he says, "we'll go to my mom's and then I'll drop you off at Harry's"

I shake my head, "can I catch up with you?...I kinda want to be alone"

He looks so upset from that response but I really don't want to be cheered up, I can't right now.

Now I want to feel miserable, and weak and cowardly and self reproaching.

Now I want to beat myself up.

Gale nods stuffs his hands in his pockets and heads off, head down shoulders slumped, defeated.

When he is gone I finally feel safe opening Peeta's letter to me.

My dear friend,

By the time you read this Katniss and I will be on the train. I hope you are reading this with someone, Gale, Buck, Ryen or Pop. But knowing you, you are probably alone.

I remember the letter you gave me that day you left my life for what at the time I thought was forever. At first I thought it was a very strange letter to receive after all the notes we had sent back and forth.

Now I know what you were doing.

You were saying goodbye, but in your own way. You didn't want me to feel bad about you leaving, and wanted me to know you cared about me.

This is me doing the same.

Ariana you are the most selfless person I know, from saving someone in your games, to becoming a spy and saving me after I almost died twice. But just know you don't have to be alone anymore. My family is there for you and the Hawthornes, don't shut off because you miss me. If I don't make it out this time I want you do be happy. Be it with Buck, Gale or some other lucky guy.

You are worth more than you think, even if you don't see yourself as worthy you are. I love Katniss, but I love you too! As a big sister, as a close friend. You should know you mean a great deal to me. Don't let anyone harm you okay? When I heard from Pop what Buck did I almost couldn't think straight enough to pummel him. I think with Katniss I would be able to protect her because I care for her so much and want her unharmed I feelI need to protect her despite her being tough…I know you're tough too but I think with you it was like he had attacked me too attacked part of my family .

Get back into drawing, I didn't see you pick up a pencil since you showed up two months ago and you are an extremely gifted artist. You can't pipe a rose worth a damn

I chuckle at that remark and wipe my eyes

But you were always a better sketcher than I was, I'm better with paints, maybe because they are like icing. You are better with paper and pencil. Gale doesn't even know! Show him, teach him!

You always put everyone else first, even with the party, you stood up to Buck, who is easily twice your size. You warned Katniss and I so we could say our goodbyes. You look after everyone else but who is looking after you? Yes I know you are almost twenty but Ryen is older and he still appreciate Pop looking out for him when he gets impulsive. I know Gale relies on his mom when he has something on his mind. Can you do me a huge favor and let someone take care of you? You need someone on the outside of Thirteen and district Five willing to step to your defense. It would give me piece of mind knowing someone is looking out for you okay? You worry me. You're impulsive, reckless and stubourn, all for a good cause I give you but sometimes even the bravest warrior needs a shield and armor right?

Fall in love. This is a big request, I know and I'm sorry. It occurred to me you said you loved me as a brother but you never said if you ever loved anyone like I love Katniss. Ari, love is the best thing in the world, it's also the most complicated puzzle I have ever come across. Aren't you good at puzzles? Figure it out for yourself, it's the bravest thing people can do is fall in love, because it means you have to show yourself vulnerable, and I know you have a hard time showing weakness unless it's with me.

Don't mourn me.Don't argue! I know this is hard to accept but my pop told me something when you died that helped me move past my grief. Don't mourn the loss of me, celebrate my life. Perfect that red icing rose, and give it on a sugar cookie to the guy that makes you smile. Hug my dad and say how much he means to you since you mean the world to him as his surrogate daughter. Toss a bag of flour on your back and show Buck you are not a push over. Show Gale you are gentle and kind and sometimes vulnerable apart from crying. We all have a fire in us, yours burns brightest when you are doing something for others, let it burn bright for yourself now.

Finally. I will miss you, I miss you now and I know I will be seeing you before the reaping, but I will always miss you. If I got out of this and we grew up and grew apart part of my heart would always belong to the blue eyes auburn hair fourteen year old that gave a stuttering twelve year old hope that he wasn't doomed. The sixteen year old that protected me by disappearing and the eighteen year old that barely reached past my shoulders as she helped me put my life back together, and has given me the best chance of winning in a game bent on killing everyone.

My heart will always be indebted to you for giving me the shots I needed to keep Katniss in my life.

I will always be grateful to you.

My sister

My friend

Be brave

Be loved

Be you

Peeta Brian Mellark

I knock on Gale's door, and Hazelle answer.

"Ari?" she sees I am looking past her at Gale who is in the bedroom door. His arms crossed.

He comes over and I hand him the letter in shaking hands. He looks confused at first, but reads as I bite my lower lip.

It finally registers with him why I wanted to be alone.

I wanted to mourn Peeta alone. And that's exactly what Peeta didn't want. He reaches out and I go into his arms.

"He'll be fine and I'm here for you always" he says, "okay?"

I nod and I feel a third hand as Gale passes me off to his mother since she had just read the letter.

"Tea I think" Hazelle says and motions Gale to get a kettle going, "easy Ariana, I know you're upset, but you can't let it control you, that's what happened to Sophia"

"Who's Sophia?" I wipe my eyes

"Mrs. Everdeen, when her husband died she died too inside, she only managed to claw herself out of that depression when people started coming to her for her healing hands and sharp mind when it came to medicine. She was wasting away, and when I saw Peeta go up I saw a flash of her in you" she explains, "and you are a sharp mind, but getting wound up won't help matters, be logical, did you do all you could do?"

I nod

"Are you certain?"

I nod again and I shoot an annoyed look, Hazelle chuckles

"There's the spark I know!" she holds my hands, "that mind of yours is sharper than a tack dear, you just have to remember Peeta wouldn't want you wasting away. What are you doing tomorrow?"

I shrug, I hadn't though of anything.

"Go out with Gale, Peeta asked you to do something, so you do it."