Steps

Aya + Aki

By: L 0 K I

Resolution

He didn't feel different.

Shouldn't he feel different?

Maybe it's more subtle than that, he thought desperately, while his fears mocked him, reminding him that Aya's reaction to the closing of the seal was anything but subtle.

Aya was deeply asleep in the bedroom, having become strangely lethargic as the tattoo was finished. He worried for her, even as she tiredly explained to him that it was only because Ceres fought her to the very last.

He worried for himself, too. He hadn't told her that he had the same seal placed on him, he hadn't wanted her to know that he suspected something was wrong with him.

He didn't want her to have reason to distrust him.

He stared into his own eyes in the mirror and looked for something different.

I don't feel different, he reiterated weakly.

Reaching out, he cracked the bathroom door open. The bedroom was dark, but the ray of light from the door cast directly over the bed, outlining his sister as she slept peacefully in her tangle of covers.

And in that moment he knew for certain that it hadn't worked, as his whole body jolted with heat. All he wanted was to touch her. To crawl into that bed and run his hands over her body as she shifted lazily beneath him.

To taste his name on her lips.

To taste her.

With a soft cry, he slammed the door shut. Spun back to the mirror and grasped the edge of the sink counter in his shaking hands. Tighter and tighter, until the blood drained away, leaving them white and mottled.

He didn't look at the mirror, he stared down into the drain. He imagined his emotions as a whirlpool of shame and confusion, dragging him under. Eventually he knew he would have to open his mouth, have to take a breath, and then it would get inside.

Filling him up. Drowning him out.

At the same time...He lifted hurt eyes and locked them tiredly with those in the mirror. At the same time, there was this growing spark inside him, this tightening knot of defiance.

It wanted to give in. To stop fighting. Stop hurting. It whispered to him constantly, its voice growing louder in the din of his confusion.

There was nothing wrong with him. Nothing wrong with being in love with someone. The world was wrong. The world was stupid, and selfish, and couldn't see beyond its own nose.

His eyes darkened, narrowing slightly.

If they loved one another...If they...

Why is it any of their business then, if we choose to be together?

He shuddered uneasily, as he felt his entire being trying to reach out and embrace that question. Try to shift the words around to make a reason to defend the actions he wanted to take.

I am, he thought numbly.

I am in love with Aya.

I think I always have been.

He didn't feel better. He didn't feel worse. He just felt...tired.

I'm so tired of fighting.

He slid down and sat on the cold bathroom tile, leaning his back against the wall and staring at his empty hands.

I'm so tired...

So...

He closed his eyes, the tension slowly spilling out of his shoulders.

So lost.

( So why fight it anymore? Right and wrong in this world is always subjective. And so many people never look beyond what somebody else tells them. Never think for themselves. )

Excuses. All words meant to make me feel better. Make me feel as if this is okay...

At the moment, he was so mixed up that he couldn't say if it was okay or not. He didn't trust his moral compass anymore, as the only thing it seemed to ever point to was Aya.

( Why are you struggling with this? You've already admitted that you are in love with her. What more is there to think about? )

I do love her. I have always loved her. But more important than admitting it, is what I will do about it...

( You already know what to do. )

No. Nothing has to change because of this. Nothing more than me, anyway.

( You're prepared to act out the rest of your life? )

I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to ensure Aya's safety and happiness.

( What if--- )

No! I know where you're going. 'What if it's me?' 'What if I am the one that can make her happy?' Just stop. I'm in love with her, and she's the only person in this world that I want...

But I do love her. And that means I care what she thinks, what she feels.

And...And she doesn't feel the same way.

He flinched, drawing in tighter to himself. His marked skin stung, the tape pulling slightly. But the pain actually helped, gentled the uproar in his mind to something close to a manageable level.

Close, because he had no idea how to deal.

( How do you know that? How? )

I would be able to tell. Aya isn't good at hiding her emotions, she's not that kind of a person.

( And you think you are? )

"I know I am," he whispered forlornly, feeling despair like a cold weight in his stomach. I feel like I've been hiding my whole life, in one way or another.

( You're crazy. No one can act out their whole life. No one can keep something like this under wraps forever. )

Watch me, he thought. Watch me.

I have no choice.

TBC...