So off he went to work, and here she was. It didn't quite seem fair, this forced idleness when she so didn't want to have any time to herself to think. Not thinking was the only way she knew how to combat this alien idea. But even that failed her after awhile.
She leaned her hands and forehead against the now closed door, saw acres of time stretched out before her with no end in sight.
It was too difficult to look around their apartment and see possibilities, so she just stayed against the door with her eyes tightly closed.
But in some ways that was worse. If she let herself relax, even a fraction, she was right back where this began.
Where this began...where did it begin? How long had it been in motion? Days? Weeks? Years?
Last year we were swimming, and my top came undone...
The electricity went out that one night when mom and dad were out, and I was so scared that I begged him to let me sleep in his bed...
We...we used to take baths together when we were kids!
Her brow furrowed as a thousand memories crowded into her mind, everything with a new slant, a new meaning.
We were swimming at the beach, and he swam under me, wrapping his arms around my legs and knocking me back into the water...
They watched a movie when their parents were visiting 'family', and she fell asleep with her legs draped over his lap...
She leaned her back against his shoulder on the bus, taking more than her half of the seat so she could prop her notebook up on her knees and quickly finish her homework that was due first period...
She...she...
Weren't these things that sisters did? Where did it change? Why did he see her this way? Why?
She was there again, but this time she was on her knees above him, the fall of her skirt hiding-
No!
She shook her head furiously, shoving away from the door and deeper into the room.
No! I won't see that! I won't!
She nearly stumbled over the futon, surprised a moment to see it still in such disarray. It wasn't like Aki to leave the bed unmade.
It was supposed to be my bed. I was supposed to sleep there last night...
Would things have gone differently had she behaved herself for once? If she hadn't bent their own rules and forced him out of his turn?
No, Aki would still feel the same way, I just wouldn't know about it now.
Was that better? Or worse?
...
He left it unmade on purpose, she realized. Because it was her turn to make the futon. She lifted her head and indeed, the bed was made.
Funny how it looked so...perfect and normal. She slowly sat herself down on the futon, drew her knees up to her chest and...just breathed. She leaned her chin on her knees and stared sightlessly at the bed.
How many times had he sat right here and done the same thing?
How many times has he...
She flinched, ducking her head suddenly to hide her face in her knees.
Nononononono...
She rocked slightly, needing to move, needing to not be still.
An image was trying to form in her mind...
She slapped her hands over her ears, fisting them in her hair and pulling slightly.
Nonononono!
She pulled harder.
Aki...Aki wants...
No!
My brother wants...
"NO!" The cry reverberated up her throat, she couldn't seem to keep it in anymore. And with it came more. Broken, hiccupping sobs, tears that stung her eyes.
It's wrong...It's wrong...
A weak, little girl's voice...
She slid sideways, curling up across the futon and dragging the tangled covers up over her face.
( ) *
She wept, minutes or hours. She didn't know. She lay limply across the futon, on her side while her fingers idly traced a crease in the blanket. She was lying backwards, with her feet under his pillow, but there wasn't enough in her at the moment to care. She was numb, calm, so, so tired.
In a few moments her eyes closed slowly, and with a soft breath she was asleep.
TBC...