Discalamiter: I don't owns nothin', 'cept what the King gives me, and he don't give me nothin', so I don't owns nothin.
DanikaLareyna: Hi! I's Squyshee. The King's Lady said I get to do the commentingies today. I think you're a big, dumb, stupid-head. Also, you smell like cheese. Not good cheese, neither. You smell like the kind of cheese my cousin Blech the Troll likes ta eat.
notwritten: Hi! I's Squyshee. The King's Lady said I get to do the commentations today. I know you! You's the one who always makes the King's Lady make loud, squeaky noises whenever you says anything about her stories. Those noises make me have to cover my ears 'cause they hurt the insides of my head. First, I thought I should tell the King and make him go change you into a cockroach and step you, but then the King's Lady said that they were happy noises. So I guess that's ok.
Sammi C.: Hi! I's Squyshee. The King's Lady said I get to do the commenteering today. Most stuff that the King does isn't all that nice. I think that the King's Lady's point of view is way, way, way, way nicer.
Yami Moon: Hi! I's Squyshee. The King's Lady said I get to do the commentoodles today. You's silly. It's not flaming turkeys. It's purple turkeys. Chickens is much better for flaming.
Anij: Hi! I's Squyshee. The King's Lady said I get to do the commentibbling today. Wow, you writes a lot. It'd take me all afternoon to read what you said, 'cept the King's Lady read it for me, so it didn't. She's nice. I don't think you's nice. I think you's tryin' to flirt with the King. I know so 'cause I always see ladies tryin' to flirt with the King. They say stuff like "You are SO handsome" and "You dance with SUCH grace" and "Can I bear your adorable, pointy-eared babies?" and "You write wonderfully". Stop flirtin' with the King or I'll tell on you to the King's Lady!
Opaaru Tsuki: Hi! I's Squyshee. The King's Lady said I get to do the commentutoring today. Guess what? I have a cousin named Rawkawesome! I didn't know it was a word, too. Poor Rawkawesome. He hates words. I don't know whats a paintball gun is, but I don't think you should steal all of the King's pants. The King's Lady stole his pants once when the King was sleepin' and it didn't make him very happy.
Contraltissimo: Hi! I's Squyshee. The King's Lady said that I could do the commentstipation this time. There was this one time when the King's Lady brought an 'energy drink' to the Underground and Blrphroomcktin the goblin found it and drank it all up. You talk like he did after that. Did you drinks one of the King's Lady's 'energy drinks' or is yous just really, really, really happy?
I don't know any musics from Aboveground... But I can sing a song!
"Squyshee is a goblin!
He really, really, really is!
He does stuffs like a goblin does,
'Cause he is a goblin!
Lalalalala!"
Squyshee's Story
As told by Squyshee the Goblin and transcribed by Wren Neilson
Dear Peoples,
Hi! My name is Yxroppmffglrn. I also have another name. I'm not sure why I have two names, but it makes me feel happy inside, so you can call me Squyshee.
Guess what? I am the most cutest goblin in the Goblin Kingdom. I know so 'cause the King's Lady said so to me. She is really, really, really nice and always says nice stuff to me. I am her most favoritest goblin. She didn't say that to me, but I think I am anyway.
The King's Lady writes really neat stories about her and the Goblin King. I know so 'cause the King has a special book in his library where he puts all of her stories when she writes them. He is always sittin' in his library readin' that book with a big grin on his face when he has had a bad day. I like that book 'cause now the King likes to read that instead of kick goblins. I am also the King's most favoritest goblin. I know so 'cause he liked to kick me the mostest.
The King's Lady doesn' know about the King's special book. I know so 'cause whenever she talks about her stories to him he gets all grumpy and tells her she should be spendin' time doin' stuff with him instead of writin' stories, but I know he really likes her stories 'cause of the way he smiles when he reads 'em.
One day, when the King was visitin' his Lady, I snucked into the library and got the book myself. If the King knew I did that he'd get really, really, really mad, so don't tell him. I got the book and I sat on the floor ('cause even if I got the King's most favoritest book, I wasn't gonna sit in the King's most favoritest chair- no way!). It took me a long time, but I read the whole first chapter all by myself. I know how to read 'cause the King told one of the Hobgoblins to teach me, since I'm such a good goblin for kickin'. But I'm not very good at it, 'cause goblins don't write a lot of stuff.
The next time I saw the King's Lady, and she wasn't with the King, I told her how good I thoughted that her story was. I didn' tell her how I read it though- nope, nope. She asked me but I didn't say anythin' at all, I even put my hands over my mouth so that I couldn't accident'lly tell her about the King's special book. I think she figured it out though, 'cause she got this really smart and sneaky look on her face. At first I was kind of ascared, 'cause whenever the King gets a look like that it usually means he's gonna kick somebody. But the King's Lady is nice and she never kicks anybody, ever.
Instead, she patted me on the head and told me, "Thank you, Squyshee. I'm glad you like my story." And she also said, "Did you know that sometimes Jareth writes chapters for my story, too?" I told her that I thought that was really neat and that I betted that the Goblin King's stories were full of lots of kickin' and stompin' and stuff. I said that I wished that I could write a story, but if I did that it wouldn't have any kickin' at all. Guess what? The King's Lady said that that was a really good idea and that if I wanted I could write a chapter of her story and she would even help me! The King's Lady is the most nicest lady in the whole Underground. I bet she's the most nicest in the whole Aboveground, too, but the only time I ever went there all I saw was a bunch of rows of big boxes. It was really confusing but really, really, really fun when the King's Lady chased me around the boxes.
The King's Lady said that she thought it would be a good idea if I told the story about the time she came to the Underground and the King was really busy so she played with me instead. It was really, really fun because it was the first day that is snowed in that whole year. The King's Lady was really, really, really excited because it doesn't snow very much where she lives so she doesn't get to play in the snow very much. I thought that was sad so I thought I should make it the best playin' she had ever had.
This is the story...
Once uponed a time it was snowin' really, really, really hard. The snowflakes were all big and wet and fluffy and perfect for playin' in. I was really, really happy 'cause I likes the snow and it hadn't snowed in a long, long, long time. I was lookin' all 'round for my ear muffs but I couldn' find them. I looked under my bed (which is the most bestest bed in the whole castle 'cause it's down by the big furnacing thing that makes it all hot and comfy) and I looked behind the clocks (the King has lots and lots and lots of clocks, but I don't know why) and I looked in the kitchen (but the kitchen goblins all chased me out 'cause I forgot about my ear muffs and tried to get a sneaky taste of dinner) but I couldn't find them anywhere. So I decided to look in the throne room and guess what? That's when the King's Lady arrived!
She popped out of thin air, like the King always does, but she didn't have the sparkly-sparkles like him. That made me kind of sad 'cause I like the sparkly-sparkles. But I guess you have to be the King to have the sparkly-sparkles. Poor King's Lady.
"Hi Lady!" I said. I used to be ascared to talk to the King's Lady, but now I'm not. She said that I could talk to her whenever ever I wanted, so I do! But not when the King's talkin' to her, 'cause then he gets mad at me. He likes to have her all to hisself. But the King wasn't there that day. He was in his study, where nobody but him an' his Lady's allowed to go, doin' some really, really, really important work. He said he was makin' 'treaties' sos we goblins wouldn't get beated up by other peoples. I was kinda sad 'cause I hoped that 'treaties' was good to eat, but I guess not getting' beated up on is good too.
"Hello Squyshee" the King's Lady said. That made me feel happy inside 'cause 'afore the King's Lady came, only the King called me Squyshee. Then the King's Lady asked me where the King was and I told her he was makin' 'treaties' and it was really important and he didn't want to be perturbed. But I thought that maybe the King wouldn't mind if it was the King's Lady who perturbed him, 'cause usually he likes bein' perturbed by her, so I took her to his study. I waited outside, though, cause only the King and the King's Lady is 'llowed in there.
A little while later the King's Lady came back outside. She looked all sad so I figured that the King had said that even she couldn't perturb him today. I told her I was sad that the King was so busy that he couldn't play with her, but she could play with me if she wanted to. This maded her look kinda more happy so then I told her I was gonna go play in the snow and then she looked super happy.
She said, "It's snowing? I didn't know it snowed in the Underground!" I thought this was kinda stupid, 'cause of course it snows in the Underground, but I didn't tell her that. The King gets really, really mad when people say bad things about the King's Lady. Like this one time, Snrfflmkrowb said that he thoughted that the King's Lady wasn't as pretty as that other girl the King liked and the King locked him in a forgetty-hole for three weeks and yelled and yelled that the King's Lady was exactly perfectly perfect just the way she was.
I think that the King was right, too. Like how the King's Lady has pretty, soft hair and how her feet are way bigger than that other girl's. The King's Lady almost has goblin feet! I think she's the most prettiest lady I ever sawed.
So then I told her that I couldn't go out in the snow without my ear muffs and that I thought she should probably not go out in the snow without some warmerer clothes too. She was gonna go back to her house in the Aboveground and get a coat but I told her that she shouldn't do that 'cause the King had gotted her a coat when he had gotted her all those pretty, pretty dresses for when she came to visit him. This made the King's Lady really happy but it also made her blush, too. I don't know why, but I thought it was funny and I giggled. That made her blush even more.
Guess what? My ear muffs were in the King's Lady's room! I don't know how they gotted there, because I don't go in there very much. Sometimes I go in to clean, 'cause the King likes to keep it ready in case the King's Lady ever wants to stay there, and sometimes I go in to look at her pretty, pretty things (but I doesn't touch them) and sometimes I go in there to hide when the bigger goblins are bein' mean to me and sometimes I go in there just 'cause it smells pretty, but that's not very much. So I don't know how they got there. Or my yo-yo, neither.
So I putted on my ear-muffs and the King's Lady putted on her coat. It was really pretty. It was all white and soft like fur, but it wasn't really. The King's Lady snuggled her cheek against it and made happy sounds and said that it reminded her of the King's wings when he turned into an owl. That made her blush too, but she put the coat on anyway and said that it was really nice and really warm. She even found gloves and ear muffs of her own in the pockets, and they were white and matched the coat and everything.
We wented out to her most favoritest garden behind the castle. It had snowed a whole, whole lot. It was almost up to my tummy. It only went up to above the King's Lady's shoe, but they weren't very warm shoes so she shivered and made squealy sounds. She must not have been too upset by it, though, 'cause her face was all happy and her eyes almost had sparkly-sparkles as she looked at the bushes all covered up in snow.
I asked the King's Lady what she wanted to play and she said that she didn't know. She said it had been a long time since she'd played in the snow and she was out of practice. She asked what goblins did when they played in the snow. I jumped up and down and told her about all the most bestest goblin games like "Dump Snow Down the Goblin's Shirt" and "Steal the Goblin's Ear Muffs", but the King's Lady didn't seem very excited about those games.
The King's Lady looked like she was thinkin' about it and she reached down and picked up some of the snow. I watched her make a ball in her hand and I thought that was neat so I picked up some snow and made a ball, too. The King's Lady looked at my ball and then she looked at her ball and then she looked at my ball and then she looked at her ball and then she said, "I know! Let's make a snowman!"
I jumped up and down and said, "Yeah!" I thinks that the King's Lady was almost gonna jump up and down too. She was really, really, really excited. Then I said, "What's a snowman?" and she didn't look as excited anymore. She told me that she'd show me what a snowman was and that all I had to do was make my snowball as biggest big as I could make it and she'd make hers as biggest big as she could make hers and we'd make a snowman.
I tolded her that I could do that and started scoopin' up as much of much of snow as I could. When I had my whole entire arms full in one big snowball, I looked at the King's Lady. Her snowball was really, really, really big! It was so big that it didn't even fit in her arms anymore, and her arms is way, way bigger than mine. Her snowball was so big that she was rollin' it around on the ground and guess what? When she rolled it in the snow it got even more bigger! So I putted my snowball on the ground and started rolling it too. The King's Lady's magic worked on my snowball, too, and it got even bigger, too.
I rolled and rolled and rolled my snowball all around and around. It gots so big that I couldn't see over it anymore. It still wasn't as big as the King's Lady's snowball, but she's the King's Lady so I didn't think I'd be able to do anything as big as that. I looked at the King's Lady and guess what? Now she had two snowballs! Both of them was bigger than my snowball. The King's Lady is really smart and makes the most bestest snowballs ever.
The King's Lady said that she thought our snowballs was big enough now, so she stacked them up and she put mine right on the tippity-top. Then she found some rocks and made a face on it and some sticks for arms. It was really, really neat! It looked like a big human made out of snow and rocks and sticks. I jumped up and down and said that it was the most bestest thing I had ever helped make and the King's Lady grinned and grinned.
Then the King's Lady stood back from the snowman and frowned at it. I was sad 'cause I thought that maybe I hadn't done it right and the snowman wasn't good but then she said that it just needed some decoration. I knew all about decoration! One time I had decorated my most favoritest chicken, Deener, but then the King got mad at me cause Deener got into his bedroom and got green paint chicken footprints all over the bed and the floor and the walls and the closet and everything. I thought it looked really pretty, but the King thought it looked like I needed to get kicked, so I did.
I asked the King's Lady if she wanted my paints for the snowman and she said no, but then she stopped and her eyes got that sneaky and smart look in them and she said that yes, she would like the paints. So I ran to get the paints. I knew where they was, too, 'cause I had found 'em when I was lookin' for my ear muffs.
When I got back, the King's Lady was gettin' back too. I guess she went and gotted something from the castle while I was getting' my paints. She had a big bag of somethin' bundled up under her arm, but she didn't show me what it was. First she went and gotted some long leaves that had turned all yellow and hard when it snowed. She putted those on top of the snowman's head and she used my paints on the snowman's eyes, and then she opened up her bundle and it wasn't a sack at all! She put it around the snowman's body and it was actually one of the King's capes! I was really ascared, 'cause the King doesn't like anybody touchin' his clothes unless they're washin' 'em or shinin' his boots or somethin'.
The King's Lady was grinnin' and grinnin'. She pulled my hands off of my eyes (I had put 'em there 'cause I was ascared that the King was gonna come and kick us for touchin' his cape) and told me to look at the snowman and tell me who it looked like. When I looked, I had to put my hands over my mouth so that I didn't giggle. The yellow plants had made spiky and long hair and the King's Lady had painted lines by the rock-eyes and it was wearing the King's cape. It looked like a snow-King! I was tryin' so hard not to giggle that I fell down in the snow and rolled 'round and 'round. This made the King's Lady laugh a lot and whenever she looked at the snowman, she laughed harder. "All he needs is glitter," she said.
I tried so hard not to giggle at the snow-King that I got really, really tired. I layed down in the snow gaspin' and starin' up at the sky. More snowflakes was fallin' and I thought it was really pretty. I was kind of ascared when there was a big THUMP next to me, but then I figured out that it was the King's Lady. She was layin' in the snow and lookin' up at the sky, too. She was really quiet, so I didn't say anything either.
After a little while, I was startin' to wonder if maybe the King's Lady had fallen asleeps or somethin'. I looked over at her and she was smilin' but she also looked kinda sad. This made me feel sad and I don't like to feel sad so I thought I'd have to make her happy again. I was tryin' to think of how I could do that when the King's Lady suddenly flung her arms and legs apart. I thought she was really mad 'cause sometimes the King does that when he's mad (though usually he has better aim and hits me or one of the other goblins and the King's Lady only hitted snow) but then she started laughin' and wavin' her arms up and down.
"What's you doin?" I asked, squirmin' away in case she had gone crazy in the head. I had seen chickens go crazy in the head before. All of a sudden they just start doin' strange things like flappin' around and screechin' and stuff. Usually it happens when me or one of the other goblins sets 'em on fire or somethin'. I don't understand it at all.
The King's Lady wasn't goin' crazy in the head, though. She laughed and said that she was makin' a snow angel. I didn't know what a snow angel was, so I stood up to look, but I saw somethin' else instead. As I was getting' up, I saw the King lookin' down out of the window to his study. He had the same smile and kinda sad look that his Lady had had earlier.
I was really, really, really ascared. The King was smilin' but maybe that was 'cause he hadn't seen the snow-King yet. I got up really quick and ran to hide under one of the snow-covered bushes. The King's Lady sat up and looked all confused. "Squyshee?" she said, "Where did you go?"
I didn't answer 'cause I saw that the King had stopped looking sad and had started lookin' like he does when he decides somethin' important. Like if somebody got in his way they'd definitely get the biggest kick ever. I wondered if I could bury myself in the snow and maybe he would think I was a snow-goblin to go with the snow-King.
Just like I thought, a few seconds later the King came down from the castle in a cloud of sparkly-sparkles. The King's Lady hadn't noticed that he was there yet. She was still lookin' for me and callin' my name. I wished that she wouldn't 'cause I didn't want the King to know I had helped make the snow-King.
The King was lookin' at the snow-King with a funny look on his face. It kinda looked like he wanted to be mad but he couldn't cause he was tryin' too hard not to laugh. "I do hope that is not intended to be my likeness," he said. The King's Lady got all surprised and fell down in the snow. She twisted 'round to look at him and she had the same look on her face, like she wanted to be mad but couldn't 'cause she was tryin' too hard not to laugh.
I was startin' to feel maybe a little bit less ascared that the King would be mad and maybe I could come out, but then the King's Lady did something terrible!
I wanted to put my hands over my eyes sos I wouldn't have to look, but I was too ascared to move. The King looked like he couldn't move either. He just stood there with big, big eyes and his mouth kinda half-opened and the snowball that the King's Lady had throwed at him dripping down his hair. The King's Lady is the most bravest person I know, 'cause she didn't look ascared at all. She giggled.
I was really, really, really sad, 'cause I like the King's Lady. She's nice and she plays with me. I didn't want her to be thrown in a forgetty-hole or the Bog of Lots and Lots and Lots of Stinkiness. I was gonna miss her.
But guess what? The King didn't even yell at her! He got that sneaky and smart look on his face and he ducked down to get a snowball of his own! The King's Lady squealed and tried to run behind one of the bushes, but she wasn't fast enough. PLOP! The King's snowball hitted her right on her tushy as she tried to runned away.
I never knowed what a 'war' was. The King told me about 'em once. He said they're really bad and that he works really hard to keep 'em away from the Goblin Kingdom. After the King hitted her on the tushy, the King's Lady looked at him really mean and also really playful, which I didn't understand how she could do that, and said, "Oh, now it's war!"
I'm really happy that the King keeps 'war' away from the Goblin Kingdom. It looked really, really, really scary! There was snowballs flyin' every this way and every that way! I stayed all safe under my bush, but I still got hitted by one. I thinks that the King's Lady was gonna try the game I told her about, "Dump Snow Down the Goblin's Shirt," 'cause she grabbed a really big pile of snow and ran at the King. I never tolded the King's Lady that you're only 'apposed to play that game with goblins and not Goblin King's. Not ever, ever with Goblin King's. But I guess the King already knew about that game, 'cause he moved really sneaky out of her way as she ran by and then grabbed her 'round the waist from behind.
They spunned around a couple of times and the King's Lady dropped her snow. Then they both fell in the snow and I betted that they both got snow down their shirts, so I thought that was a silly thing to do. The King was laughin' really hard, but he didn't let go of the King's Lady's waist. It looked like she was laughin' too hard too, 'cause instead of tryin' to get away, she twisted around and wrapped her arms 'round him too.
They layed like that for a long time with their arms 'round each other in the snow. I was layin' in the snow and I was really cold, but they didn't look cold. I don't know why. Finally, the King kissed the top of the King's Lady's head and said, "Well, dearling, what do you say? A draw?"
She snorted and turned her faced away from him. She sounded a lot like the King when she said, "I think it's obvious that I kicked your butt." I think the King's Lady must have really, really powerful magic. I know so 'cause he didn't get mad at her again. Instead he laughed some more and put his fingers on her chin to make her look at him. Then he kissed her real good. I covered my eyes with my hands, but I should have covered my mouth with my hands 'cause I giggled.
"Squyshee, there you are!" I hearded the King's Lady say. I didn' really want to, but I took my hands away from my eyes. They were still layin' in the snow, but the King's Lady was grinnin' at me. The King wasn't. I put my hands over my eyes again.
I hearded the King sigh and I hearded them move around a little. The King said, "I suppose we had better get you inside…" Then his voice got all ascared and he said, "You will not be harmed by our time in the snow as you were by our time in the sun at Lunari Lake, will you?" That ascared me too and I peeked 'tween my fingers.
The King and the King's Lady had both stooded up but they still had their arms 'round each other. I couldn't really figure out how they did that. She giggled a little an' gave him a squeezy hug. She said, "No, GK. I'm fine. If I were out in the snow overnight or something I could get frostbite, I guess, but not after this long."
The King looked really grumpy then and said, "You mortals are far too delicate and susceptible to… to… to everything!" I thoughted that he was mad at her, but instead he pulled her real close in his arms and glared at the snow like he wanted to kick it.
The King's Lady looked like she was tryin' to be very serious but actually was tryin' not to giggle again and said, "Well I suppose that, just to be safe, we had better follow the mortal post-playing-in-the-snow tradition."
The King got that sneaky and smart look in his eyes like he knew that she was still playin' with him and said, "And what do mortals do after they play in the snow?"
The King's Lady's eyes got really big and happy and she said, "Drink hot chocolate! Come on, Squyshee, let's go inside!"
The King looked really, really grumpy that his Lady had tolded me to come drink hot chocolate with them. Like I said, the King likes to have the King's Lady all to himself. Or maybe it was 'cause I gotted to sit in the study with them, where goblins aren't 'apposed to go. Like I said, the King's Lady must have really, really powerful magics. I know so 'cause he never gets mad at her and he can't never tell her no.
I was sittin' on the floor and feelin' really, really nice and warm from the fire and the hot chocolate in my tummy. I'd never had hot chocolate 'afore and it was probably the most yummiest thing I'd ever had. The King and the King's Lady were sittin' in two big, comfy-lookin' chairs. They were really quiet, just lookin' at the fire and at each other.
I thoughted that it was too quiet and that somebody should say somethin', so I did. I looked at the King's Lady and said, "Guess what, Lady?"
The King's Lady smiled at me, lookin' really soft and happy. She asked, "What, Squyshee?"
I gave her my most biggest grin. I said, "I like you! You're my most favoritest person after the King. You're really, really pretty and you're really, really nice and you're really, really fun to play with. But do you know the most biggest reason I like you?"
They were both smilin' at me and the King's Lady said, "What is the most biggest reason?"
"It's 'cause you make the King really, really, really happy. I never sawed him laugh so much or smile so much as when he was playin' with you. I wish you could stay here all the time and forever."
Neither the King or the King's Lady said anything. They both just turned bright, bright red and didn't look at each other for a long, long time. But they were both smilin' really, really, really, really big.
That's the end of my story. After that the King decided that it was time for him to have the King's Lady all to hisself again and he made me go out of the study. He didn't kick me out or anything, though! So I went to look for my most favoritest chicken Deener and I don't know what the King and the King's Lady did.
And they all lived happily ever after. The end.
Transcriber's Note: Um… Ok, I think that's what he said. There were a lot of constanants involved.