She woke up, her lips still formed around his name, though the only sound that escaped her was her breath, hard and harsh in the quiet of their apartment. For long moments she sat their and tried to slow her heart-beat. Tried not to think of the images that had haunted her dreams.
But she couldn't force her body to forget. Her thighs were slick under the wrinkled edge of her shorts, her centre throbbing almost painfully with need...
No!...No...don't feel this way, Aya! Don't...
She could feel her breath filling her up, escaping her lips in a long, slow hiss. Her head turned slowly, a gold tangle of hair falling over her shoulder. Her heart was beginning to calm, but something strange was happening. Her body still felt light, and airy, except that dull ache between her legs. She was floating outside her body, tied to it by that strange need that was dragging her inner-voice under into silence.
She pushed the cover off, sliding her legs over the edge of the bed. She didn't notice the slippers beside her feet, she took one step, and then another. With her hands open and empty at her sides, she stared down at the gold hair swept across the pillow. His lips slightly parted, his lashes resting, long and curved against his cheeks.
Silence was loud in her ears, stifling all her thoughts, filling her with such strange feelings. Strange...ideas. Even as her conscious mind did nothing to reach out and grasp them.
She was conscious...wasn't she?
She slid to her knees, her hands pressed limply, and shakily, against the edge of the futon. She bowed her head, and her hair swung forward, falling around her eyes, spider-silk stirred by her breath.
Slow, deep, even breaths. She blinked once, her eyes opening slowly again. She stared down at the face below her, something within her humming. A taut string plucked.
In a move that seemed to take years, she tilted her head and finished her lean, fitting her bottom lip to his top, parting her lips and slowly opening her mouth to taste the suppleness of his flesh. It wasn't quite a kiss. It was more of a...reaction.
The moment seemed to stretch.
He took a breath, a deeper breath, and his lips rubbed unhurriedly, innocently against hers. She pulled back slowly. Her eyes now wide, but still not quite understanding, she pushed slowly to her bare feet. Turned and walked into the bathroom.
...
Behind the door, she leaned against it with her hand pressed limply to her chest. She was staring at the parted shower curtain, seeing the dull shine of light on tile. Slowly her hand slid from her heart and up to her lips. They rested there thoughtlessly for one long moment.
I kissed Aki.
She stared at the tile, seeing nothing. Seeing an inner-play where her hands were braced as she hovered over him. As her hair fell around his face, curtaining from the world the fact that her lips were pressed against his. Pressed against her brother's.
I...kissed Aki.
...Me...
Her heart was beating faster and faster. She threw her hand down to her side and felt tears sting her eyes. But gritting her teeth she forced them back down, shoving away from the door. She pushed herself to the mirror, glaring at herself, 'facing' herself.
What are you doing, Aya?
What. Are. You. Doing.
She was so angry all of a sudden. So, so angry. She wanted to scream, she wanted to kick the sink, the wall. She wanted to grab at handfuls of her hair and just shriek.
The need shook in her hands, her legs. Pain sparked in her temple and the base of her skull as she tried not to give into the urge. She couldn't be angry. She couldn't unleash this anger. That's not how it worked, that wasn't allowed.
But gods, she felt as if it was going to rip her apart. As if her throat was going to shred and crack just to keep in the shrill screams that were building up from her stomach.
She slapped her hands down on the cold counter, the fingers curving and straining as she dug them into the porcelain. Nails bending back slightly as she seemed to hold on tighter and tighter.
For several long moments she was just rage, her will holding her together and stationary by the barest of threads. Holding completely still because she knew any movement, no matter how small, might send her flying apart.
What am I doing?
She honestly didn't know anymore. Her flushed face darkened further as she recalled her dream. She desperately wanted to push the images away. Desperately wanted to forget, but she was just...so tired.
So confused...
So...lost.
She stumbled back from the mirror, not wanting to see herself anymore. All her anger drained away, just as quickly as it had filled her up. Leaving her shaky and exhausted in its wake.
She felt hollow, like when she moved there might be a dull ring of sound within her but nothing else. She slid down the wall opposite the sink and brought her knees up to her chest, hugging her arms tightly around them. Leaning her forehead on her knee, she curved her shoulders, making herself a smaller and smaller target.
It was a gesture of the hunted.
But it wasn't Aki that she was trying to hide from...
I...kissed him?
She curled tighter.
Why did I do that?
...
I didn't want to do that.
...
Did I?
...
It hadn't hurt...when his lips had moved...it had felt...strange.
When she tasted his breath, breathed in his scent...
A deeper breath, her chest heaving slightly in the tight restriction of her arms.
That dream...
Forehead pressed against her knees, her eyes opened, staring sightlessly at nothing.
That dream...
I dreamed he...
I said 'no'. I told myself I wanted it to stop. I told him to 'stop'. But I didn't stop. I didn't make him stop. I let him...I let him...I said 'no'...but I still let him...
Gold hair...soft, tickling...under her fingers and between her thighs...
Her hands clenched, fingers twitching. A spasm shook through her lips as she felt that...need reawaken in her stomach, pushing lower and harder with insistence.
His lips, soft, yielding beneathe hers...
Her hands slid up her knees, to press against her temples, harder and harder, as if she was consciously trying to squeeze something right out of her head.
He didn't do that, Aya. You did that. Why did you do that?
Why?
Because...
Her heart was beating hard and fast in her chest, her hands. She could feel an echo of it at her centre, curling out ribbons of heat up her stomach.
Because...
Because I wanted to know.
The words came against her will, and she realized suddenly that the reason she had been struggling so hard to answer that question, was not because she didn't know the answer, but because she was trying so hard to push the answer away.
I did it because I wanted to know. I want to know.
What? What did she want to know?
Answers always led to more questions.
I want to know why.
She took a deep breath, and then another. She slowly unclenched her hands.
Could she? Could she try to deal with this? Could she come to terms with this, get past it?
Without letting the idea find a home inside.
Already she could feel things changing. Could feel herself becoming less and less horrified by what she now knew. Could feel herself slowly edging past her disbelief.
That's what she told herself that she wanted. She wanted to move beyond this.
But what was beyond this?
What came after?
Dangerous paths were now open in her mind, and she was so terrified to walk down any of them. She didn't even know if she was on one now...
But her dreams...She couldn't control what she dreamed.
So why was her mind tormenting her with such images? Things that couldn't be. Things she never wanted to see.
The throb clenched harder, and she felt tears squeeze from her eyes.
I don't want to feel this way...
A weak voice in her mind, a little girl's voice. An echo of a voice long gone.
She slowly released her legs, letting them slide limply down to the floor. With her shoulders slumped forward, her hands rested palm-up on her thighs. She stared down at them, watching the familiar lines and curves ripple and blur.
I...I didn't stop him...
A broken whisper.
"I didn't even want to."