Josh travelled to Wales for the autumn mid-term holiday. Although there was no official intermission in the university term, Tom had been able to move some lectures and amalgamate study groups so that he had more free time than usual. A colleague invited Josh on a playdate with her son one afternoon and he took part in a play session at the local leisure centre on another. Sybil was in Yorkshire for the first two days of his visit, but she made a trip to Swansea after her Wednesday shift and offered to look after Josh on the final morning of his stay. Tom was visibly delighted by the suggestion. Not because he was desperate for somebody's child-minding services - he had already warned students that his son might be building Lego on the periphery of their study group that Friday - but Sybil's voluntary suggestion that she spend time with Josh alone provided a welcome commitment to their still vulnerable relationship.
Unfamiliar with Swansea and its recreational areas, she picked him up in her car and decided to take him to Roath Park, close to her Cardiff flat. Josh made his excitement at the outing abundantly clear, bouncing along the length of Tom's hallway with accompanying squeals while Tom made attempts to clarify the final arrangements.
"So you need to leave for work by two, is that right?" he asked loudly, wincing as Josh passed them in a whirlwind of audible animation.
"Calm down" he mouthed at his son, demonstrating a mime that to Sybil looked as if he was patting an invisible dog.
"2.15 at a push, I start at half past."
"Well I'll aim for well before two anyway. It shouldn't be a problem." A wide smile emerged and he tipped his head to one side in that familiar manner which made the inside of Sybil's stomach perform an involuntary dance every time.
"Honestly, thank you so much for this" he said earnestly, reaching out to grasp her hand.
Her smile matched his. "I'm looking forward to it, we'll have fun I'm sure." She hadn't spent very much time with children of Josh's age, having only experienced part of her training on a paediatric ward and her sisters' children being several years younger. However, she didn't feel intimidated by the prospect. The two now knew one another well enough to appreciate intangible boundaries about behaviour and expectations and she welcomed the opportunity to get to know Josh away from either of his parents' immediate influence. She and Tom had not discussed their future any further since her first return from her father's bedside. Only time could provide the experience and opportunities needed to stabilise their future. Sybil still harboured doubts but at the same time, wanted to ensure that she did everything possible to give their relationship the best possible chance. An opportunity to spend time with the boy who could potentially become her step-son formed part of that process and besides, she actually liked him. Any apprehension about the morning ahead was easily outweighed by her enthusiasm for the outing.
The opportunity to sit beside her in the front of the car caused another cascade of excitement.
"Do you not have an air-bag?" he screeched, leaving Sybil bemused about his opinions on road safety.
"Yes I do, but I've switched it off."
"'Children aren't allowed in the front with an air-bag." He nodded wisely at her and she contained a smirk.
"Yes I know, my sister told me."
"Daddy can't switch his off so I always have to sit in the back."
She and Tom exchanged glances and Tom mouthed 'Major fail' before opening her passenger door, fitting the booster seat and indicating that Josh should climb in. Sybil waited while he fastened the seat belt and issued reminders about manners and behaviour. She was readjusting her mirror while Tom kissed his son good-bye and was taken by surprise when he then walked around the car, indicated that she should lower her window, then leaned inside to kiss her too. It was perfunctory and unaccompanied by any endearment, but he flashed a grin as he stepped back and she realised that it was the first time he had ever shown her any romantic affection in Josh's presence.
"Have fun!" he declared, patting the car's roof and Sybil turned her head towards her passenger.
"Okay?" she asked, emitting an instinctive laugh as he kicked his legs with enthusiasm.
"Yeah, let's go, let's go!"
Sybil owned a six year old VW Golf. It was neither sporty nor kept particularly clean, but in comparison to Tom's practical Ford Focus, Josh had formed the opinion that it could provide more elaborate entertainment.
"Can you go any faster?" he asked as she joined the M4 back to Cardiff.
"The car can but I'm not going to. I'm almost at the maximum speed limit."
"That car's going faster" he said accusingly, pointing a finger at the BMW which had just flashed past in the outside lane.
"That car will probably get a speeding ticket and I don't want one."
"Mammy got a speeding ticket."
"Oh dear." Sybil wondered if Josh was going to make any other inadvertent disclosures about his mother. She felt certain that there were plenty of subjects which Eddie would prefer not to be discussed in Sybil's presence.
"She was very cross about it."
"I bet she was. It's very annoying if you were only going a little bit faster than you should be."
"She was doing almost fifty in a thirty." He paused for a moment. "I don't really understand what that means but that's what Grandpa said. He said it was her own fault."
Sybil struggled to keep her mouth still at this innocent declaration. "Well anyway, I don't want to pay a fine, so I'll stay at this speed."
"That's an Irish car there ahead, it's got an Irish number plate."
"Yes, you get a lot along this stretch of motorway because it's the route to and from the ferry."
Josh made another petition. "Could you not just overtake it so I can wave to them?"
"I'm not going to speed, no. If they slow down, we'll go past. I'll race you in the park though."
Reluctantly accepting defeat, Josh then occupied himself by staring out of the window and randomly announcing items of interest – various animals and construction vehicles were declared and Sybil pointed a finger towards Castell Coch, its gothic outline nestled amongst trees in the nearby hillside.
"Wow, that looks like knights must have lived there once!" he said with undisguised awe.
"It isn't actually as old as it looks, but they built it to look much older. You should ask Daddy to take you there some time."
"I will. And you can come with us." Josh nodded as if to imply that her presence would complete the natural order of the event and Sybil found herself oddly moved by the thought.
"And can I come to your castle too?" he asked and her mind distracted, Sybil didn't immediately understand.
"My castle?"
"Don't your Mam and Dad live in something like a big castle? Daddy said?"
"Oh right. Well it's not a castle, no. But it is a very big house that's sometimes open for people to go and look around."
"It must be huge!" Josh stretched his arms out wide, inadvertently knocking Sybil's stomach in the process.
She laughed. "It's pretty big. Very good for playing hide-and-seek. My sisters and I used to do a lot of that when we were your age. I once found a seat that had a cupboard in it and neither of them knew about it. So I took some biscuits and a torch and stayed in there for about two hours. Eventually they got really worried so told our parents and then my Dad found me because he'd hidden in the same spot when he was a little boy."
"When can I come?" Josh asked with such eagerness that Sybil's heart swelled. She would not suggest a visit until she was certain of Tom's commitment to her, she didn't want Josh to form an attachment to another person or place which might subsequently disappear from his life. Occasionally over the years, she had allowed herself to imagine her own child, anonymous in appearance, exploring the Downton estate and replicating scenes from her youth. All of a sudden, an image flashed up of the child turning to face her, its unidentified features now clearly belonging to Josh. Early on in her relationship with Tom, this concept would have alarmed her, but now as she knew and cared for his son, the thought seemed quite instinctive.
"Maybe some time" she said, adopting a neutral tone. "It's quite a way from here, so it would take a long time to get there and back. We'll have to save it for when we've got a longer time together."
Her explanation appeared to suffice and Josh reverted to intermittent statements about the passing landscape. Sybil tried to offer pertinent replies whenever possible, but on the whole he appeared satisfied by a simple acknowledgement that his comments had been heard and appreciated.
They parked near to her flat and immediately headed towards the park. The weather was overcast and although dry, was without significant merit, but it didn't deter Josh who skipped, hopped and ran joyfully along the path towards the playground. Sybil followed dutifully, realising that any plans for the morning should not be dictated by her. Fearful of the possibility that he might display more reserve than usual when separated from his father, Sybil had created a mental check-list of activities – playground, lake, walk, café. However after a period of time on the play equipment, it was soon clear that Josh had no reticence at being alone with her and was quite happy to offer his own suggestions at how the morning should proceed.
"Are there ducks?" he asked curiously. "Do you have bread?"
"Well I do…" she replied, mentally chastising herself for not having anticipated the idea. "…but it's at home. We could go to the shops across the park and buy some cheap rolls to break up for them if you like?"
"Could you buy one at that café?" he suggested, pointing at the nearby venue which was already filling up with half-term visitors.
Sybil hesitated, unwilling to quash his enthusiasm for any activity, but reluctant to be wasteful. "I don't really want to spend three pound something on a sandwich to throw to the ducks, no. I could buy a couple of cheap rolls from the shop over there for 50p."
"Please?" he asked, looking up with pleading eyes and she was momentarily swayed before rationality swathed over her.
"No. It'll take ten minutes at the most to walk to the shop and back. We can do that if you want to feed the ducks. It's silly to waste all the filling of a sandwich. Or we can walk back to my flat…" It was further than the stroll to the shop and she suspected that he would lose interest if it proved a more arduous option.
"Let's go on a boat" he declared confidently, making it clear that he wanted to be in charge of the proceedings. "Can you row?"
Sybil snorted with amusement at the assumption and cast her mind back to a couple of shambolic youthful attempts with friends on the River Ouse. "Not very well, I'm afraid but let's give the paddle boats a try instead, shall we?"
"Okay" Josh replied, taking her hand before she could reconsider and guiding her towards the lake.
As she paid for the tickets and was handed two life jackets, Sybil was abruptly struck by the weight of her responsibility. Was it worse, she wondered, to be accountable for your own child on an outing, or somebody else's? She had no way of appreciating the maternal pull felt for one's offspring. However, the idea of Josh experiencing anything untoward during her watch was alarming. Fleetingly she considered holding his hand throughout the voyage and thus avoiding any possibility of toppling into the water. She knew he could swim a little and the life jacket would prevent any substantial danger, but her mind was now racing at all kinds of possible scenarios.
It took them a while to find a comfortable and indeed successful rhythm on the boat. To begin with Josh treated the journey like an Olympic event, screwing up his face in fierce concentration and pedalling so furiously that Sybil struggled to keep up. The boat circled aimlessly while Sybil tried to get to grips with the rudder. Their lack of success seemed at first to infuriate Josh, who emitted irritated squeaks and banged his hands down on the boat's plastic casing with frustration. But Sybil found their initial lack of success amusing and as they made yet another 360 degree spin, began to giggle.
"Come on…" she said gently "…let's slow down a bit. We've got half an hour, there's no hurry. You'll be exhausted. You find a nice slow pace and I'll try and go with you. I think I've got the hang of this now…"
Gradually they achieved some success and she watched Josh visibly relax, his competitive instinct quashed by a shortage of participants. After ten minutes they were making steady progress and Sybil made fun of her ineptitude at steering.
"Perhaps I should take over?" Josh suggested. "You just do the pedalling." She understood he was tired after his initial efforts but was happy to fall in with his proposal and allow him the satisfaction of taking charge.
"This is fun!" he announced and leant over the side of the boat, his hand trailing in the water. Sybil instinctively grabbed his arm.
"I won't fall in" he assured her and she smiled at his instinctive perception of her fears. With no shortage of adult company in his life, he was likely to be familiar with the range of terrifying accidents which could somehow befall him.
"Do you like coming over to Wales?" she asked curiously. "Does it feel like a bit of a holiday?"
Josh didn't turn around but she watched him nod as he peered down into the water. "It's really nice here. It's a lot like Ireland really, but people speak funny."
Sybil smiled. "Yes they do a bit."
"So do you"
"Do I?" she asked with surprise before expelling a laugh. Living amongst an accent different from your own, it was easy to imagine that you had none at all. She had little trace of a Yorkshire dialect nowadays; her voice offered an archetypal English tone which gave no hint of specific origin.
"Yes I suppose I do. You're very Irish, I'm very English and someday I'll introduce you to my friend Gwen, who is very, very Welsh."
His declaration seemed to come from nowhere, although Sybil would later appreciate that it had been extricated by her original question. "I wish Daddy would come back and live in Ireland."
Matched with Tom's own lament at the decision he had made over a year previously, Sybil felt an abrupt wave of realisation that their separation may not continue indefinitely. It was unlikely that Eddie would ever leave the support of her family in Kilkenny, nor that Tom would want or succeed at a future attempt at custody. Yet he was such a committed father and already torn between professional and paternal fulfilment, that it was likely that at some point, the two issues would directly collide.
Sybil had never dwelled on the specifics of their possible long-term future. In the depths of her mind, there were jumbled images of Josh and Eddie, combined with frequent visits across the Irish Sea, however she had always imagined the two of them remaining in Wales. She wasn't fixed on the idea of living there indefinitely. She had relocated before and it didn't fill her with fear, but the older she became, the more attached she felt to the people and places she knew there.
Her pedalling came to a halt as she processed the thought – one day Tom would undoubtedly want to go home. Reluctant to offer any Josh any hope, nor indeed even tentatively broach the possibility of the situation one day changing, she simply smiled and gave his arm a fleeting squeeze.
"He misses you a lot too" she said and hoped that for the time being, it would suffice.
Their aquatic adventure complete, the two set forth back across the park towards Sybil's flat for lunch. The insight caused by Josh's innocent yearning for his father weighed heavily on her mind but she tried her best to push it to one side, focussing instead on his childish delight at racing through the piles of fallen autumn leaves which littered the grass and paths. His excited shrieks amongst the crisp, crackle of tumbled vegetation brought forth memories of similar youthful explorations – the familiar sensation of hindered strides, the satisfying crunch underfoot, a gentle landing when pulled to the ground by an enthusiastic sibling. Remembering her earlier pledge to challenge his desire for speed, she tied her scarf into a firm knot and turned to face him with a grin.
"I'll race you to the end of the path!" she called and the thrill of competition spurred him into another gear. Arms outstretched as if attempting to grasp hold of a passing gust of wind, he ran, before a more fluid style emerged and his hands dropped, elbows pumping to match any sprinter. Sybil would have struggled to match him even if she wanted to but she held back, allowing him to savour the joy of victory without affront.
High spirits restored, she let them into the flat and watched with amusement as Josh displayed his customary curiosity at every turn.
"What's that for?"
"How does this work?"
"Who are those people in the photographs?"
"Have you got any toys?"
"When can I come for a sleepover?"
"Wow, a Spiderman comic. Is that for me?"
She was buttering bread and chopping fruit when Samson appeared through the cat flap, his ears flattening at sounds of a youthful visitor in the next room.
"Don't touch the cat, Josh" she called to him. "He's not very good with children."
"Why?" He appeared at the kitchen door, his brow furrowed with puzzlement.
"I'm not really sure. The lady who had him before me had got him from a cat rescue centre and she thought that he'd probably been teased or not treated very nicely by children when he was a kitten."
"But that was a long time ago." Josh reasoned. "He looks like an old cat now."
A smile escaped Sybil's lips. "He's about ten, the vet thinks. Not so old for a cat. Animals remember when somebody's unkind to them, they don't forget."
"But I wouldn't be unkind"
"I know you wouldn't. But he doesn't know that. You don't need to be scared of him, just leave him alone and he'll be fine. He'll ignore you."
They ate companionably in the kitchen. Josh chatted enthusiastically about the latest Pixar film which Tom had taken him to see the previous day and his eyes lit up at the sight of the chocolate biscuits which Sybil produced at the meal's conclusion.
"Right, I'll clear up here and then Daddy will be here any time soon. Do you want to go and look through your comic and then I'll come in and read you the story in it?"
She was wiping the table when she heard him scream. Before she could imagine the worst, Samson raced through the doorway and through the cat-flap into the far reaches of her garden. The speedy retreat betrayed his guilt and Sybil hurried into the living room where Josh sat sobbing on the floor, clutching his left hand to his chest.
"Oh no, did he scratch you?" she said, feeling uneasy that he was hurt but certain that her pet must have been provoked. "Let me have a look?"
Josh was hysterical, squealing as she gently pulled at his arm, tears cascading down his cheeks.
"He…he….he…bit me!" Blood was oozing through two puncture marks on the flesh beneath his thumb, accompanying scratch marks on the wrist and back of his hand providing evidence of the full force of Samson's attack.
"I'm so sorry" Sybil murmured, feeling a heavy weight of remorse creep over her. She should never have allowed him to be in a room alone with the cat, knowing as she did that he had a history of occasional unreliability. Her nursing instinct kicked in. "Come to the bathroom and we'll get it cleaned up."
Josh was beyond rationality, kicking his legs on the floor, shrieking and cowering as if she had delivered another blow.
"Okay, I'll bring the plaster and cream in here. Just give me a minute."
She stood up and Josh screamed again. "NO!" before another upsurge of tears emerged. At that moment, the doorbell rang. Tom had arrived to collect his son.
The injury itself had not rattled Sybil, besides embarrassment that Josh had been afflicted by her pet. However, his subsequent emotion was baffling to someone unused to young children and the fact that it was happening in the background while she opened the door to Tom made her feel abruptly culpable. He showed understandable alarm at the sound of his son's distress and Sybil found herself tumbling over her words of explanation.
"The cat…he, he…I think Josh must have touched him, I'm really sorry. He bit him. Um, Samson bit Josh that is…er, I…" Tom strode through the door while a wave of mortification washed across her. She took a deep breath, ignored the threat of her own tears which were quietly brewing and followed him into the living room. Josh was continuing to wail loudly, but Tom was now next to him on the floor, scooping him up into his lap and offering quiet words of soothing comfort. Sybil hovered at the side of the room, her instinct to nurse and heal being thwarted by Tom's parental concern.
She cleared her throat. "I'll go and get a plaster and cream. I'll give the cut a clean." Tom raised a hand in acknowledgement, using his other to calm his son with a gentle caress to the back.
Sybil retrieved the items from her bathroom cupboard with now shaking hands. She understood that Josh was frightened rather than seriously hurt. However evidence of blood is always upsetting and combined with his hysteria, made the situation appear more alarming than she knew it merited.
By the time she returned, a bowl of warm water accompanying her bathroom supplies, Josh was beginning to calm down. Red rimmed eyes watched her mournfully as she sat beside him, an occasional subdued sob now the only evidence of his ongoing distress. She cleaned and dressed the wound quickly and efficiently, grateful for her professional experience to conclude an otherwise unpleasant experience.
"Let me see if I can find you another biscuit" she said softly as she rose from her knees and flinched when Josh looked immediately fearful, pressing his body into his father.
"Where's the cat?" he whispered, turning his face towards Tom's shirt.
"Come on now, he won't hurt you again" Tom murmured and Sybil nodded.
"He ran outside, Josh. He knew he'd done something wrong. I doubt I'll see him again for a few hours, he'll keep himself away. I'm so sorry that he hurt you."
Tom gently pushed at Josh's shoulders until he could meet his gaze. "Did you touch the cat after Sybil said not to?" he asked and the boy shook his head wildly, burying his head once again in the safety of his father's chest. Sybil could spot the emerging flush across his cheeks and understood that he was almost certainly not telling the truth. She had no intention of pressing the point, he had learned his lesson the hardest way.
"What a shame after we had such a lovely time!" she said with forced brightness, but Josh remained immobile and didn't respond. "We did" she said firmly, trying to catch Tom's eye. It now seemed essential that he understood how the excursion had, until the final moments, been a success.
Tom frowned and looked back down at his son, trying to encourage him to emerge from his self-enforced cocoon. "What have you been doing then?" he asked.
Silence prevailed. "Well!" Sybil heard the over-embellishment in her voice and felt as if she was taking part in a theatrical production. "We went to the playground, we rode a pedal boat, we had a race…." Her voice trailed off as she watched Josh's face turn increasingly sullen.
"Well I had a lovely time anyway…." She turned swiftly on her heel to find the promised biscuit, which Josh snatched eagerly from her fingers, earning a firm reprimand from his father.
"What do you say….?"
"Thank you" Josh muttered and extricated himself, shuffling towards the door. "Can we go back to yours now, Daddy…"
Tom nodded. "Just a minute, yes." As Josh disappeared around the corner into the hallway, he reached out to take Sybil's hand.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm so sorry!" She covered her face with her hands, surprised at the level of emotion she felt.
"It's not your fault" she heard Tom say and there was no hint of condemnation in his tone.
With a shake of her head, she removed her hands and forced a smile. "Is he up to date with all his jabs and things? You know, tetanus?"
"I think so. I'll have to check with Eddie, but she's usually pretty hot on all these things so I'm sure he is."
A wave of panic crashed over her. "Are you going to tell Eddie that it was my cat?" she asked aghast.
Tom stared at her with a quizzical expression before it switched to something more empathetic. "Well I'll have to really." He squeezed her hand again. "Don't worry about it. You didn't bite him, she won't hold it against you."
On most occasions Sybil found Tom's optimism rather endearing, but there were times when she felt that he could be hopelessly naïve. This was one of them.
"Well, I don't think she's exactly going to be best pleased with me…"
"It wasn't your fault." Tom lowered his voice to a whisper and leant towards her. "I'm pretty sure he grabbed Samson's tail or something, he just doesn't want to admit it. It's a good lesson for him when's all said and done. There's no lasting damage, it'll heal quickly."
Sybil felt a passing swell of nausea. "Couldn't you just say it was a friend's cat? I'm not asking you to lie or anything, but you know….you could be economical with the truth perhaps?"
"Sybil" He smiled at her again. "I really think you're over-reacting here. Animals are unpredictable, Eddie's not vindictive. She'll understand that it was just one of those things."
How could Sybil now voice a passing judgement on a woman she had met only once, when Tom appeared so confident of her goodwill and empathy, regardless of the distress caused to her only child?
Her eyes flitted nervously around the room. "I just thought she might feel aggrieved that I let him be on his own with Samson. When there's a precedent of him being aggressive to children."
"Well it wasn't the best idea, but you can't be in two places at once. You said yourself it was only on hearsay. You hadn't actually seen it for yourself."
"No, well until now George has been the only child here and he was very little so he was never on his own. When Samson comes back, I'll…" Her mind raced for a suitable conclusion and while doing so spotted a flash of amusement in Tom's expression.
"You'll what? Give him a good telling off and send him to bed without his dinner? Look, a lesson's been learned. Maybe you can keep Samson in the garden next time. Just to be on the safe side, eh? I won't mention to Eddie that he might have done it before, I'll just say it was out of character."
She nodded miserably, wondering whether Josh would ever be willing to return. The two of them walked into the hallway where he stood by the front door. He had retrieved his Spiderman comic, but at the sound of their approaching footsteps, ceased his curious browsing and stared solemnly at the floor.
"Right then, Joshie…" Tom said cheerfully. "It sounds as if you had a great time this morning, so are you going to say something to Sybil?"
Josh didn't raise his eyes, but murmured an indistinct thank you, neither of which made Sybil feel in any way atoned.
Tom began to open the latch and Sybil stirred herself for a final effort. "I hope you have a good journey home tomorrow, I had really good fun…."
But Josh had fled to the car and after an apologetic eye roll in her direction accompanied by only a passing caress to the hand, Tom swiftly followed.
Sybil closed the door behind them and allowed herself a little cry.