Her eyes shot open wildly as fear tore through her chest. Fear that seemed to mix with the hard throbbing of her body, and actually make it sharper.
I...it wasn't supposed to go that far...
She wasn't sure how far she had planned to take it, but not that far...not...
Tears pricked her eyes in the dark as she squeezed her legs together hard, as her hands shook at her sides.
A smaller voice, far back in her head. I wasn't supposed to feel it...
She was uncomfortably wet, her body squeezing and contracting in the same rhythm that his hips had pushed against her. She had been careful to keep their clothes on, to not stray too far into the forbidden zone...
It had been a silly rationalization, that the barrier of thin fabric would keep her safe. That the worst her mind could take her was penetration.
Penetration of the mind...that's what this was all about. That was the true danger...the one she had been unprepared for, the one she had turned her head and ignored.
I didn't need to know this. Why did I think this would help?
But pushing it all away wasn't helping either. Pushing it out of her mind, or pulling it in...which was worse?
Ignoring it was driving me crazy! But letting it in...letting...
Her body continued to shake with unfulfilled desire, her knees squeezing hard together as she shifted helplessly.
I didn't want to ever see him this way. But how could I not? How could I...
Her name, whispered with pain and need, as he thrust into some dream of her. As his seed was a salty, strange taste on her tongue.
She self-consciously licked her own lip, tasting a fine sheen of sweat as her legs contracted with the need to curl up, with the unignorable pound of her heart-beat, seemingly growing and echoing through her body. It squeezed like a fist low in her gut, harder and harder. And she wanted-No. She needed to make it stop...But how...?
You know how.
She closed her eyes down tight, pressing the heels of her palms hard into her eyelids until the darkness was chased with strange after-images. She didn't deny or examine, she simply lay there in her fear and desire and...hurt.
Then her hands grew limp, falling down to her sides. She stared up at the dark ceiling one long moment, just breathing. Then a tear gathered at the corner of her eye, slipping silently over her cheek to absorb into her hair.
Another silent moment, as she relaxed into the bed, letting her legs fall open slowly, feeling the way the bed sheet was slightly damp under her. With slow determination she pulled the cover up higher around her neck, then slid her hands down, following familiar paths and feeling more intensely then she ever had before. She didn't remove her shorts, or fumble with the waistband, but slid her hands right under the elastic, and down into her panties. The cotton was so sodden that it was cool against her knuckles. Curving her fingers around her sex she slowly pushed her middle finger and ringfinger in, feeling the stretchy tightness, and not understanding at all how he could possibly fit. She bit her lip hard as her mind tried to puzzle out this enigma, her breathing accelerating.
No! Don't think! Just get it over with, and let it go!
Slipping her now wet fingers out, she drew them slowly up, her spine tensing in anticipation of what instinctively came next.
A hard breath as her fingers finally found that small bundle of nerves, as they gently traced over it once before she slowly drew her nail across it.
Her hips jolted up from the bed, her legs closing again on their own. Her thighs squeezed hard around her own hand but she didn't care. She liked the feeling. She rubbed deeper, and her hips reflexively followed, pushing slightly up off the bed, then falling back.
Her eyes closed as relief and pleasure burned pathways from her lower stomach. As heat filled her, edged by a strange icy numbness that seemed better than anything.
She turned her head aside into her own hair, lifting her free hand to her mouth and biting down on her knuckle-needing to bare her teeth, to bite something.
To taste flesh in her mouth, even if it was her own.
Does he taste like me...?
She gasped, her knees drawing up higher as her body curled helplessly around this feeling, the pleasure sharpening without warning. She found her tongue lapping sloppily at her own fingers, her teeth pulling gently at the skin...
I want...I want...
She gently shifted onto her side, still keeping up the steady pace of her touches, even though her body shook almost violently.
I want...
She shook her head slightly, not even realizing it as more moisture squeezed out from the corners of her tightly closed eyes.
I want to taste...
She was teetering, she could feel release so close, right beyond her outstretched hand. She needed something...something to push her that last step into falling...something...
She tried to draw on the image of Touya, but it wouldn't come. Not clearly anyway, not anymore.
She thought of Yuuhi, of him pushing her to the floor, so desperate, so passionate-but that fantasy also unraveled quickly under her fingers. That was past, it wasn't quite real to her anymore. Wasn't...
He threw his head back, pushing up with his arms as he rose above her, his hips pressed as tightly to her as they could be...
So tight that she felt that hard, hot part of him jerking, felt the dampness spreading.
She cried out, her ankles crossing and rising up off the bed, hips lifting as her legs wrapped around her phantom-lover.
She was biting and licking her hand, then her hand shot down as she continued to lick her lips. She grasped her own breast, digging her nails in and squeezing hard as the sudden orgasm rode her. She didn't want to stop, but gods, it almost hurt.
I can't...I can't take it-!
Her hand stopped, and she suddenly fell back against her pillow, her legs sprawling, open and limp as the muscles still twitched with exertion and pleasure. The sheets under her were soaked, clammy and sticking to the backs of her thighs. Her mouth and both hands were wet, but she couldn't care about that. For one second none of that mattered as relief translated into tiredness, and sleep tried to drag her under.
She let it.
Because the alternative was coming to terms with what exactly had penetrated her mind in those final moments.
Or who...
TBC...