"I'm back! Did anyone miss me?" Toph returned from her trip to the loo to find her friends roaring with laughter. The Companion lay beside Sokka on the sofa while tears of hilarity rolled down his cheeks.
"Okay, so no one missed me." Toph resumed her seat on the sofa with a huff. "So what new crazy stuff have I done thanks to cactus juice?"
"Well, you were conversing with a turtle spirit, had a catfish swim by you in the middle of the desert, and saved Sokka from giant mushrooms and ugly spiders," Aang told her before erupting into another fit of giggles.
"Sounds typical. Is that the same giant mushroom that Sokka thought was friendly?"
"Yup," Katara answered while grinning widely.
Zuko smiled. "Wow, I really wish I was there to see that. Katara said Sokka was doing a sort of wave move while worshiping the 'mushy giant friend'."
"Hey, I wasn't worshiping any giant mushroom!" Sokka protested.
"Yeah, whatever Snoozles. You know what, I just might continue listening to this story after all. It does sound pretty funny," Toph admitted.
"Great! Let's continue then!" Sokka said with great gusto before picking up the book again.
As they walked in single file, Toph slipped into another important debate with herself, over whether the chicken or the egg came first. This profound philosophical matter was as yet unresolved as the sun began to slip below the horizon and the air grew cooler.
Sokka nodded wisely. "Oh yeah, one of the greatest mysteries of nature: whether the chicken or the egg came first."
"Just continue, Sokka, we haven't even gotten past three sentences yet!" Katara urged him.
"Okay, okay."
There was a sudden whoosh of air then, and she felt a shadow briefly pass over her before hearing a soft impact about two zhang away that lightly sprayed her with sand grains. She knew it was Aang.
Katara stopped, and the blind Earthbender took the opportunity to rest at once, standing still and listening to the beautiful flute music washing off her brain.
She had a vague sense that Aang was sad as Katara went over to him and provided comfort.
"What's the difference? We won't survive without Appa. We all know it."
We won't survive. That was the same thing as saying they were good as dead.
"Bummer," the real Toph commented.
At the thought, another song replaced the flute music. It was so cool the Earthbender just had to sing along!
Aang and Katara both jerked in surprise as she belted out, "Dead I am the dog/ Hound of hell you cry/ Devil on your back/ I can never die!"
The rest of Team Avatar blinked. "Sokak, you're starting to sing weird songs again," Aang pointed out.
"Maybe he just drank some cactus juice," Toph suggested with a grin.
"Nah, this has happened before, remember? The spirit of the book will possess the narrator of the story, thus enabling him or her to sing the songs from the story even if he or she has never heard them before. Then when the story's finished, the narrator will lose the blessings of the spirit and go back to being an ordinary mortal," Sokka explained.
There was a moment of silence, and then Toph said, "Now I'm really sure you're on cactus juice."
"Okay, what in the spirit world happened to her?" Aang inquired wildly of Katara.
"Let's just say my brother chose the wrong plant to extract water from, and that Toph acted before she thought," the Waterbender said with an exasperated sigh. "I think it'll get out of their systems eventually though."
"Dig through the ditches and burn through the witches/ I slam in the back of my Dragullaaa!" Toph went on, grinning joyfully.
"Eventually is the operative word here," Katara added.
"Well, Sokka did recover eventually back then," Toph pointed out.
"Uh huh." Katara nodded wisely. "Eventually."
"Anyway Aang, we can do this if we work together. Toph?"
"Life is a monkey," she calmly replied, faintly smiling.
Sokka grinned. "Love your philosophical sense here, Toph."
"Thanks, Snoozles."
"That's not an answer Toph," the Waterbender scolded. "Now try to get out of your drugged stupor for just a few moments and tell us if you can sense anything with your Earthbending skills."
Cool, she was paying attention to her! She didn't want it to stop either.
"Look what I can do Katara!" Toph announced, as she began to rub her belly and pat her head at the same time.
"Darn it Toph, tell us if you can sense anything!" Aang yelled as she was staggered by a fierce gust of wind.
"Whoops, Aang's angry," Sokka commented. "Toph's little achievement was hilarious though; man, I love this story!"
Shocked, the Earthbender obeyed, feeling and listening for any sign of solid rock, any sense of direction. Her mind felt even sharper, more aware and receptive than usual, but all the same she picked up nothing.
"As far as I can feel, we're trapped in a giant bowl of sand pudding. I've got nothing," she regretfully admitted. "I'm sure there's some chocolate pudding around though," she added. "And we'll be okay if we just remember what the dormouse said."
"What kind of pudding is 'chocolate' pudding?" Aang wondered.
"What, you in the mood for dessert now?" Sokka asked him.
"Kinda."
"Don't sweat it, I'm sure we can dig out some of Iroh's red bean buns later - after we finish this story."
Katara raised an amused eyebrow. "Your sudden enthusiasm for this book is indeed rather surprising."
"Hey, it's a story about Toph on cactus juice - what's not to like?"
"True."
"I'll take your findings on good faith," Katara sighed. "Sokka? Any ideas on how to find Ba Sing Se?"
Dreamily, he replied, "Why don't you ask the circle birds?"
"We should be asking the dormouse," Toph insisted. She knew it was the most practical way.
"The dormouse. Right." Zuko sighed. "I still can't believe I'm listening to this."
"But you just couldn't resist the idea of me acting like I've gone loony, don't you?" Toph asked him.
The Fire Lord grinned sheepishly. "Yup."
Silence then. It occurred to the Earthbender that her toes were the most fascinating thing ever, and she began to wiggle them, curl them in the sand, touch them with the other foot as she softly chuckled and drooled slightly.
Katara gave a sharp, frustrated "Ugh!" then announced, "We're going to get out of this desert, and we're going to do it together-even if half of us are drunk off their gourds. Aang, get up. Everybody, hold hands. We can do this. We have to."
Toph felt Aang's hand link with one of hers, Sokka's with the other. Aang began to pull, and she followed obediently, knowing that walking would allow her to feel and be aware of how awesome her toes were even better!
"Well, that's one thing got right - I have awesome toes," Toph said smugly.
"Now I think you're the one who's gotten into the cactus juice," Sokka told her.
"Of course I have - it's the whole reason this story exists, right?"
"There is that."
Sokka was more resistant, pulling backward and groaning in amusement.
"Come on Snoozles," the Earthbender admonished. "The elephant mandrill wants us to get going!"
She then told Aang, "I just thought of something. Instead of the Avatar, you should call yourself The Great Baldini." She giggled hysterically.
Aang too, after a shocked moment, burst out laughing. "Where did that come from?"
"No, Aang is not calling himself the Great Baldini!" Katara said from the head of the line.
"It would be kinda cool though," Aang admitted. "If not exactly a dignified title."
Aang looked thoughtful. "Actually, there really is some truth to that."
Sokka snorted. "You don't seriously think that, do you?" Then he caught sight of Aang's expression. "Oh no. Oh, no, no, no, no. Anything but that."
"But it does sound cool!"
"It's kinda odd how once in a while, we come across an author who perfectly captures our personalities, isn't it?" Toph commented.
"Guess every cloud has a silver lining," Katara decided.
"And it's like a giant sandwich, so when things get bad, take a bite?" Zuko suggested tentatively, but he only earned a few weird stares from everyone else.
"Why are all these moths fluttering around me?" Toph asked.
In the cool of the evening, they plodded on, heads hanging like those of tired ostrich horses. Toph now found herself walking across a plain of paper, which rustled and crackled as they stepped on it. She was terribly thirsty and bone weary, panting from weariness.
To make matters worse, scornful voices were now coming from the paper, telling her she was no good, that she was stupid, that she wasn't half at good at Earthbending as she thought she was, and that her parents hated her, among other slander.
"That's not true...You're all wrong...I'm very smart," she would mutter back in defiance.
"Oh man, that's a very bad hallucination." Sokka nodded sympathetically. "You definitely got it worse than me, Toph."
"At least I'm not advertising cactus juice and making friends with giant mushrooms," Toph retaliated, and that shut him up.
Finally, she heard Katara decide, "I think we should all stop for the night."
Toph didn't need to be told twice, and gratefully collapsed to her knees, crushing whatever had been insulting her with a sound like pottery shattering. That would teach them to scorn Toph Bei Fong!
"Yup, Bei Fong Power," Toph grinned.
"Is there anymore water?" she requested. "And by the way, did you know that mom spelled upside done is wow? Amazing, huh?"
"This is the last of it," the Waterbender told her. "Everyone can have a little drink."
There was that familiar sloshing sound. Then to her horror, Toph heard Momo spring forward, and a loud splash as the water flew apart!
"Momo noooo! YOU'VE KILLED US ALL!" Sokka shrieked in supreme horror and despair.
Equally aghast, Toph herself shrieked like a banshee and leapt on Sokka's back, clutching him like a terrified hogmonkey as she wailed, "Save me Sokka! You're my only hope now!"
"Is it weird that I suddenly have the urge to actually see that scene?" Zuko asked.
"No, we all feel it too," Katara answered while grinning.
Toph huffed. "Don't bet on it."
"Oh come on Toph, you know I'm your only reason for living," Sokka said while winking suggestively, but Toph quickly dispelled the notion from his mind by bashing him on the head with a pillow from the couch they were sitting on, which still resulted in a bump on his head despite its feathery softness.
"No he hasn't," Katara answered firmly, as Toph's ears picked up a liquid sound coming from the sand.
"Ohhh, right," Sokka realized, more calmly. "Waterbending."
Toph was relived too. After all, who would feed the Sabertoothed-Moose Lions their precious tangerines if she was to die out here?
"Actually, the sabertooth moose lions could do with a little less feeding. They don't seem like they're the tangerine-eating type either," Sokka pointed out.
"You're remembering Foo Foo Cuddlyhoots, aren't you?" Aang asked him.
"It's Cuddlypoops, Aang. And yes, I am."
At the same time, it occurred to her how pleasant it felt to be holding Sokka, feeling his wiry frame underneath hers.
"Your voice is so sexy," she giggled. "It sounds like a dog barking."
"Oh no, don't you even think about hitting on my brother in your condition," Katara admonished, pulling at her tunic. "He's got enough sober people trying to take advantage of him already."
"But he's so warm!" Toph protested as Sokka chuckled.
Katara started laughing. "Wow, Toph hitting on Sokka - I'll really love to see that, cactus juice drunk condition or not."
"Don't count on it, I'm not planning on hitting on anyone anytime soon, least of all Snoozles," Toph declared.
"That's a pity," Sokka commented.
"I thought you were going out with Suki?" Aang asked.
"Yeah well, seeing as I'm such a charmer I'll just forgive Toph's obsession with me."
"And this is the guy who once called me an angry jerk," Zuko muttered to himself.
"If you don't let go of him, you're not getting any water," Katara admonished. "Besides, you don't know where he's been."
Reluctantly, the Earthbender disengaged herself from the youth and kneeled on the sand expectantly.
She felt the other girl place the silk-covered drinking horn in her hands and gratefully drank. It was delicious!
"Wow! Where'd you get apple juice way out here? Thanks Sugar Queen!" she beamed.
"Apple juice," Sokka chuckled. "Spirits, this is just getting better and better."
Meanwhile, Katara asked her brother, "Sokka, let me see those things you got from the library."
Suddenly defensive, he shouted "What? I didn't steal anything!" drawing back as he did so.
A moment later he turned in Momo's direction and roared at the lemur, "It was you! You ratted me out!"
"Ha ha Snoozles, everybody knows about your collection of porno scrolls now!" Toph gleefully exclaimed, laughing like a hyena-mastiff.
Aang giggled. "Somehow I can't picture Wan Shi Tong keeping porno scrolls in his library..."
"You never know Aang, it's information after all," Sokka told him. "Well, of a sort."
"Can we please not have this conversation here?" Katara requested.
"Okay, okay, we all know about your delicate tastes, sis."
"Shut up, Sokka."
"Sokka, I was there." Katara deadpanned before taking his bag and walking about a zhang away to rustle through the documents.
"Did you guys know that straw is warts spelled backwards?" Toph laughingly inquired. "Isn't that the most incredible thing ever?"
"That is incredible," Sokka dopily chuckled. "The platypus bear thinks so too!"
Aang ignored her as he softly, forlornly commented to Katara, "It doesn't matter. None of those will tell us where Appa is."
"No, but we can find out which way Ba Sing Se is. We can use the stars to guide us."
"We are all made of stars," Toph said dreamily. "We are stardust, we are golden..." she softly chanted, her mind opening to the universe like a lotus blossom.
The dreamy, blissful sensation was overpowering now, and exhaustion was tugging her mind down into a black pit.
Adopting a fetal position in the soft cotton, Toph listened to the birds singing around them, thinking to herself, We are stardust, we are golden, and we've got to get back to the garden, before drifting asleep in the Universe's loving embrace.
"End of chapter," Sokka announced as he closed the book. "And although I've never heard the song I just sang back there, it does sound rather poetic, doesn't it?"
Toph shrugged. "All I got was something about stardust, which I didn't really understand, but then again, since I don't understand much poetry anyway, I guess that means it's poetic in my book."
"We are stardust, we are golden," Aang hummed softly, trying to recreate the song and succeeding to achieve a slight resemblance of the original. "It does sound nice."
"Well, stardust or not, I'm hungry. Who wants a snack?" And they all trooped down the stairs to the kitchen, leaving the Companion on the low table in the middle of the upstairs lounge as always.
Someone asked for more Doped Out in the Desert, so here it is! This chapter was the third in the original by Nate The Ape - the second I skipped because it was only about 400 words. You can read it for yourself to see what all the fuss was about with the turtle spirit and giant spiders, and in the meantime, don't hesitate to let me know what you think of it! See ya soon!