"So, how did you find today, Jennifer?" Doctor Barnes watched her with a practiced mask of serene acceptance. Jennifer hated psychologists.
"It's gone well, I've been sleeping more than usual but that can be chalked up to a side effect of using Atlantian technology to speed up the repair of my arm, no nightmares, no flashbacks. I'm just grateful to be back home with my family." Jennifer hid her grin as she watched the doctor's pen fly across her notepad.
"Ok, that sounds great Jennifer, almost too good to be true if I'm honest." she looked at Jen sceptically "Why don't we run through your capture step by step again. Remember that we can stop at any time if you feel uncomfortable or too anxious but we are aiming to desensitise you to the events, to accept them and then draw strength to help you move past them."
Dear lord, Jennifer thought, could this woman be more transparent, IOA doesn't send a psychologist without a hidden motive "Yes doctor."
"Please, Jennifer, try to call me Catherine."
Jennifer smiled politely and lay down just as she had for the last 4 days. Eyes closed, she focused on her breathing and relaxing each of her muscles, "I was in the head woman's house looking after my patients, I heard gun shots from the forest floor and the two recovering SGA members left to help."
"Do you see them again?" Dr Barnes' voice murmured from her left
An arm wrapped around her chest, a hot breath in her ear as one of them held her and forced her to watched as he slaughtered her patients.
"No, I only learnt when I arrived back in Atlantis that no one had survived."
"Except Lieutenant Barker."
"Yes, Lilly was captured as well." Jennifer struggled to keep her voice even.
"What happened to Lilly?" Dr Barnes asked; Jennifer tried to hide her discomfort.
"I don't know." she lied, "I was drugged for the first day or so, it wasn't until I was back on Atlantis that I learnt I hadn't imagined her"
"I-I-I'm not sure I can do this Lilly." Jennifer admitted to her in a hushed voice.
"You have to. Every life in Atlantis depends on you not breaking. I'm sorry I won't be there to help you through this." Lilly tried to show strength in her smile, one of the final acts of her too short life.
Jennifer squeezed her eyes tight as Lilly's screams reverberated around her head.
"SGA-1 couldn't find her" Dr Barnes probed "do you know what happened to her body?"
The dogs snarled inches from her face, obviously starved and feral "These are my babies, I try to feed them what I can but there's never enough to go around." the tall man grinned down at Keller as she knelt on the ground in exhaustion "Your Lieutenant Barker was a nice treat for them though."
"No" she said in a strangled voice, "I assume they buried her, like they were going to do with me." there was no way the last image of Lilly she was going to give these people was as a meal for a pack of dogs. Screw protocol. Screw the IOA.
Jennifer's hands were trembling slightly and she clasped them together to try and hide it. She didn't dare peek at the doctor to see if she had noticed though.
"Now I know this next part is particularly difficult for you and we've been over it in detail before, but can you describe where you were held."
Jennifer went through what little details of the cave she remembered even seeing, trying not to visualise it too well.
"And the man who did all this to you, what can you tell me about him?"
"You two can play with her, just don't break her, I want to play with her later."
Boots, fists, pain, darkness.
A small hand came from over her left shoulder and traced its way down her arm, the rest of the girl moulding herself against her back as she watched with childlike fascination as her fingers ran over Keller's cold arm "Can we keep her? I've always wanted a pet"
"He was more than slightly delusional." true "As I explained before, he tied me up and taunted me with food and water." true but why couldn't she just drop this subject and move on to the signing of forms releasing her from this hell "I was beaten only twice, his main enjoyment seemed to come from slicing up my back."
Lie.
Jennifer couldn't bring herself to admit that she had been lent out to others as a toy to be played with. This situation was humiliating enough without the two brutes or the insane woman-child as public knowledge and with everything going on she was afraid she had imagined them. What if it had been one man and she had created a female presence in her memories to… to what? To ease the hurt, to help her accept it, to make it feel less violating?
It didn't matter.
"I know the injuries look bad." she admitted, having studied her tecnicolour face in the mirror just that morning, "But a lot of it was done after he had knocked me unconscious; I don't even really remember when I broke my arm"
The strain on her fractured arm grew as he hauled her off her feet by the chain around her wrist. The pain speared down her arm and stole her breath but she held onto the chain with her good hand and whimpered softly "Please, please don't." she begged.
"Now now my dear, my angel has finished her doodling on your back but you've been bleeding all over it so we need to clean it. It won't take long." he grinned as her eyes widened in understanding when she saw the waif of a woman walk behind her with a bucket and brush
"No, no, no, no." icy water hit her back and stole her breath.
Her hand slipped a little.
The brush was applied to her shredded back and darkness swirled.
Her hand slipped some more.
"Please, please stop."
The man remained in front of her to watch her struggle "Delicious" he whispered to her.
Her hand slipped from the chain.
The last thing she heard before she passed out was the snapping of bone
"And the cutting of my back he liked to do only when I was unconscious because otherwise I moved."
The pain was unbearable, nothing like any knife wound she had experience before as this one was done with slow and deep precision. She tried to twist herself away, desperate to evade the knife but Boss came around the front and held his knife against her throat, his eyes silently begging her to squirm.
"I know everyone is looking for some horrible story of torture and despair but frankly I was lucky" Jennifer held her breath as she watched the psychologist study her.
"I'm glad of it." Dr Barnes finally said with a smile "If you feel up to it I'll sign off on your return to work and leave you in the capable hands of Atlantis' councillor so I can return my report to Stargate Command." Jennifer returned the smile gratefully and stood to take to offered hand.
"Thank you for your help and I'll be sure to talk to Dr Grant if I do experience any problems." she prayed Dr Barnes couldn't hear the lie in her words.
With a nod and another smile Dr Barnes left for the gate room and Jennifer sighed with relief. Freedom, now back to work.
She made her way down the corridor and back to the infirmary, paperwork awaited.
Carson set his cup of tea in front of him and took a seat before SGA-1 sharing a glance with each of them that looked worried but as they watched an internal battle was won and a determined expression settled on his face "I have to leave tomorrow, I've left my research for too long and now that Jennifer is back as head of medicine the IOA wants me gone." he shook his head as the tension rose "That's not why I'm here." he took a deep breath "Jennifer's injuries were extensive and, if her fevered dreams are any indication, she experienced a worryingly high amount of mental torture as well as physical" his shoulders sagged slightly and the team watched as he fought with himself "Understand that, strictly speaking, this is covered with doctor patient confidentiality" John gave him a tense nod on behalf of the team "there are signs of regular beatings from more than one boot, the cuts on her back are all different ages, I would guess that they started the day she arrived and finished as late as the day you found her."
Carson looked over the group. Rodney was white and kept his gaze on his own mug, brow furrowed. Sheppard looked like he wanted to hit something, Teyla watched him with pained understanding and Ronon… the rage Ronon was struggling to keep buried looked immense. Carson was about to make things worse.
"The cuts are what tipped me off, I have been receiving the notes from Jennifer's IOA sanctioned therapist and she claims she was unconscious for most of the physical damage she sustained. But the cuts show signs that she struggled, entire sections of her back have shown signs of being redone because the first cuts were jagged." Ronon's hands curled into fists and Carson decided they had all had enough detail "I'm telling you this because I'm worried she's trying to repress all the details.
"This was an awful experience, made worse because she is an empathic doctor who wants to see the best in everyone. She is not ok, fine, peachy or any other ridiculous word she uses to the same effect. Now, more than ever, she proves that doctors make the worst patients. She knows how to hide some of it but eventually it's going to break her and I need to be certain you all know the details so you have the tools to put her back together after she snaps under the pressure".
The others seemed to be lost in their thoughts but Teyla nodded to him and smiled "You have our word, we will all watch out for her as she has done for us."
"Thank you, I trust this information will stay between us, I suspect the IOA would love nothing more than to find her unfit for her job and in need of replacement by someone more… shall we say, loyal to their goals."
The emotions around the table turned, if possible, grimmer and Carson rose and left them with their thoughts.
I'm sorry Jennifer, but I trust them with your health, more than I trust it with you right now. God be with you child.
I don't know how I feel about this chapter, the therapy session with the flash back I'm ok with but the rest felt stilted and I couldn't seem to fix it.
It has what it needs to have in it, it's just not as well written as I hoped
Hope you stick around, the nightmares about to start