She had no idea what to do. She filled the tub with water to buy herself more time, but she knew it wouldn't be enough. Now she was huddled at one end of the bath, rather than sprawled out in customary relaxation. Her chin rested on her knee, her eyes staring blankly at the blurring drain while her arms held tight around her legs.
The water was especially hot, drifting steam up around her down-tuned face. She had been at the mercy of the cold all day, and if it didn't require more feeling than she was willing to give, it might have been too much. As it was her skin prickled and blushed rose-but hadn't it been doing that all day?
A shiver, and her arms tightened reflexively.
I don't want to feel this, she thought miserably. I don't want this to be real.
It still felt as if there was a knot of ice pulled tight in her gut, and it was cocooning her mind from out-right panic.
Because she knew if she thought too hard about it-well, she had no idea what would happen. Something devastating. Something life-altering.
Hasn't that already happened?
She blinked slowly, tilting her head to rest her cheek now.
The truth is, I don't know how to deal with this. I didn't know how to deal with his emotions in the abstract.
And now they're real.
To be honest, came that voice that was always honest in her mind, to be honest, you were uneasy, but...there was something else, wasn't there?
Fear, she thought.
Curiosity, it corrected.
Uncomfortablity...?
You were flattered.
Sincerity in that, though she didn't understand it at all. It was always flattering to be admired, but when that attention was unwanted-
Unwanted, is that what that was? Completely?
And nails dug into her legs, cutting half-moons into the skin.
I...felt things, she admitted weakly. But I wasn't supposed to. Doesn't that mean something?
Physical reaction doesn't mean anything, right?
Anybody would have felt that way, in that situation...
Right?
The doubt in that question spoke volumes. What it said, however, she didn't know. She couldn't judge what was normal in this situation, because this situation was anything but normal.
I love Aki.
A truth. Easy to say, even now.
I'm scared.
Another truth.
Why?
Silence within her. Her hands eased up in their hold, skin stinging even more as the pressure released.
I don't...She paused, then tried again, realizing her fears as she tried to order them into words. I don't want this to change things.
Things have already changed. Dig deeper.
Her shoulders drew in slightly. I don't want this to come between us.
Close, but what else?
Eyes closed as something...young and lost chased through her. I don't want to lose my brother.
A curious statement. How do you mean? Is he going to leave you?
No...
Will you leave him if he can't let this 'love' go?
No...
Will you force yourself to hate him?
NO!
Then how do you mean?
She hesitated at that, not knowing how to answer that question. Her first answer was true, but she couldn't explain what it meant, even to herself. How strange, to feel the truth in an answer, but not understand the emotions behind the words. Especially when those emotions were her own.
Forget that, her conscious instructed calmly. Let's move on to something else.
She really didn't want to, but her thoughts were moving on regardless. Water dripped from the faucet, she stared at it blankly, and watched the drop clinging steadily, increasing until it couldn't hold on any more. She heard it fall and hit with a strange quality that seemed to echo. She waited with an empty head-space for the next thought to come and fill her. Only the ends of her blonde hair were damp, and the tapered strands clung determinedly to her neck and back. She hardly noticed. One lock had swept over her shoulder and trailed through the searing water.
You wondered about the way he made you feel last night...
It wasn't framed as a question, so she regarded the statement passively. Like it was something that had happened to somebody else.
Her mind was just as blunt and ruthless as she was, however. What did you feel?
What did I feel, she wondered. It was so...strange. everything happened so quickly, and it seemed that she had just been swept irresistibly along.
A dream, she thought blankly. Everything felt like a dream.
How so? The question repeated firmly. And she actually twinged with frustration, not knowing how to put her feelings into words.
It just...flowed.
Even to herself it didn't make sense.
Flowed?
Together, she elaborated. Emotions, images, sensations-it all mixes in my mind. Growing blurry. Sharpening. It rises and falls, but it never stopped moving. I couldn't...
A deep breath, expanding her breasts against her thighs.
I couldn't tell when I was asleep. And when I was awake...
But what did you feel?
She flinched, drawing her knees tighter against her and hiding her eyes.
I don't understand.
You do.
She mentally shied away from that question, suddenly wishing she had a more passive personality.
What I felt...what I felt...
Why are you hesitating? You know the answer. Forget all the moral-ties and just answer already!
A sharp command, and her shoulder twitched, causing a tiny ripple to chase across the otherwise calm water.
Okay! Okay, already! I felt...what he did...it was...it felt...
She curled tighter, her stomach clenching and roiling with distant emotion. Maybe fear. Maybe dread. Maybe a dozen feeling all rolled into one.
It felt good.
A plain statement. She lifted her eyes slowly to stare over her knees.
How he touched me...so that's how pleasure feels...
-So addictive, came the random whisper from deep within her being. It dragged me under so fast that I didn't even know what I was doing. And I didn't want to stop.
She shivered in the water as her body clearly remembered this new feeling, remembered it in ways that had nothing to do with thought. And in that moment, the silence of the bathroom seemed to stifle. The breath that escaped her lips was far too loud, and coming quicker than she thought it should.
The rhythm of breathing was something that came naturally-so how come she was having such difficulty with it?
And how come it was so damn loud?
She held completely still in the water, and felt as if the oppressive silence was oddly...hunting her. Her spine thrummed with tension. So stiff that she felt as if movement might even snap it in two.
Into that destructive silence, came that inner-voice again.
That is physical emotion. How did you feel?
You are persistent, came her despairing rejoinder.
I am you.
A fair enough statement. Explanation and warning. Aya let the uncomfortable question distract her from the loud, quickness of her breath. She was going to hyperventilate if she wasn't careful, and drowning in the bathtub-what a sad way to go.
But convenient. I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore.
She didn't like the morbidity of her own thoughts, so she firmly pushed them away and focused on the prior question. She didn't want to, but there were some things you did not allow yourself to dwell on. Not if you wanted to retain your sanity.
Bitter laughter strangled in her throat, wanting to escape, but she held it back determinedly.
Sanity? Is that what you call last night?
Her nails clenched again in her skin. I don't know what to call last night. I don't understand how this happened.
Did you really think you could walk so close to the edge...and never fall?
She didn't like the implications of that question, so she pushed it away, too.
She didn't fall.
One question or the other, you need to answer for yourself. Before you see him again.
A startled thump to her heart, as if seeing him again so soon hadn't occurred to her. The close confines of their life wasn't giving her the thinking space that she needed.
I can't escape him, it was another plain statement, full of hard truth and subtle pain. Pain because she hated to think such a thing about her own brother. Her beloved Aki, bully and best friend, all rolled into one. A strange combination, but essential to be sure.
And lover?
A drop of water again echoed through the bathroom, and the silence began to rise around her once more. She quickly sent a force of negating emotions to the forefront of her mind, hating how her brain seemed so eager to torment her with things she'd rather just forget.
Aki is not my 'lover'.
I love Aki. But it's not like that.
It's –not-?
No!
You love him. You did all –but- make love to him last night.
No...
The only reason you're still a virgin right now is because –he- is the one who didn't take it that far. You didn't stop him. You let him spread your legs, let him put his fingers and tongue inside you, more than once.
Do you really think you would have stopped him if he decided to take you completely...?
She was panting again, a wild feeling building inside, as if she desperately wanted to escape her own skin.
You wanted him inside you. In every way.
No! I didn't!-I don't! I...
Tears, finally. Real tears, real emotion, washing away protective apathy, tearing down the walls her mind had built to try and protect her from this new reality. She shook, her arms tightening hard around her legs, and her teeth sinking into her own skin to try and contain her sobs.
She couldn't bare the silence anymore, or the harsh stone of her own breath, she shoved her self up and slammed on the hot water, slapping her other hand over her mouth and biting down hard to stifle a sharp sob.
Now that she could feel, it was as if there wasn't any room left in her to breathe. At the same time there were so many emotions, hitting her all at once, that it was a strange numbness all its own. Like her mind couldn't focus on just one, so it was standing there dazed while they all whirled around her.
The hot water beat down on her head, soaking into her hair and streaming it in tangled locks over her eyes. She kicked out the stopper and the pipes groaned at the sudden rush of water draining away. She laid her hands flat on the tile, bowed her head and...pushed. Pushed at the wall as if she was trying to force her way through it. Her arms shook, and her nails bent back as she dug them hard into the tile. Harder and harder.
She tried to swallow her tears down, but it wasn't working. She wanted to kick and scream and break things, and the desire telegraphed into the violent shaking of her body. She bit her lip and forced her nails harder against the wall, knowing instinctively that if she could just focus on that physical pain, then the storm in her head might calm.
Because she couldn't let it out.
She couldn't scream. Or hit the wall.
Or give him any sign that she wasn't okay.
That she was feeling this.
And she couldn't bear the thought of that terrible wish getting free for even a second.
It wouldn't be okay, she was ashamed to even feel it. Even though, on a psychological level she understood that it wasn't the 'urge' itself, but the motivations that were behind it that were important.
But she was too far gone into her emotions at the moment to remember that.
For too long she had been like a house with the storm raging around her. Now the winds were too strong, and the roof was gone, and the walls were falling, and she was ripped open bare to the mercy of the elements.
Vulnerable.
At the same time, she was the storm beating down her door. Ripping herself apart with her shame, and guilt, and above all confusion.
As soon as she named those emotions, she could feel them. Focusing on one made it stronger than the others, and she could hardly bare it. She had never been good at shame or guilt, at expressing or experiencing it, and so she found herself at a complete loss with no working tools at hand.
And threading through it all was fear. It wore a mask of anger, of blame, but all anger is a mask. Behind that fierce wish to hurt, to tear asunder, was a scared little girl, wanting only to find some sort of shelter from the falling rain.
She couldn't hurt her brother, she wasn't wired that way. So that left only herself.
If she could place all the blame at his door, then maybe she could find the perfect scapegoat in him. But she wasn't so blind that she didn't see her own fault in this. She may not have cut this path through the woods, but she had set her feet on it of her own free will.
Even if part of her hadn't understood that it may lead her here, she couldn't deny that another part of her was all too aware.
She just hadn't wanted to look at it. Hadn't wanted to see where her feet were leading her.
The question now was: Why?
She stood under the stinging beat of hot water and pushed that question at her subconscious, too upset at the moment to consider implications or consequences.
You know why, was its soft return, no less aggressive with it quietness.
Why do you keep saying that? If I understood any of this, I wouldn't be so lost...
She was getting angry with herself. With her helplessness. Her lack of clarity. With her inability to just push it all away and ignore it.
She would ignore it if she could.
And that is why you are having such difficulty with dealing with this. You keep sabotaging yourself. You try to sort it out while at the same time you are pushing it all away with both hands. You can't do both.
She was staring at the tile, staring at the water as it trickled in lines between the interlocking grooves.
I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to process this. How to let go of my denial. I don't know how.
Just stop.
It's not that easy. Her hands tightened into fists and she realized she wasn't crying anymore, that she had stopped pushing at the wall, that her breath was slow and even. She couldn't remember her anger calming, but somewhere along the line, a strange staring had taken over her eyes, had stretched deep into her being until most of her was nothing more than slow thoughts and even slower breaths.
It's not that easy...It echoed tiredly in her mind. I wish it was.
But she really, really didn't.
tbc...