I have a plan. Not sure if I really want to go through with it BUT I do have a plan. Does it make me happy..yes..no...hell no. But is it the right thing to do...yes.
It took me all day to buy enough food for three people and by the time I got to Amber's house my arms were full. So when Orana answered the door I dumped the whole lot on the floor.
"Are you Ms. Hawke's delivery girl now too?" Orana asked with a sneer.
"No you faffy Elf, I dropped it because is was too heavy. Instead of glaring at me why not help me pick it all up?" I ask the snooty, little bitch.
The two of us were able to take all the food to the kitchen pretty quickly. Then I ran up the stairs to see Amber. On the way up I admired the naughty drawing that I had carved into her highly polished banister. She yelled at me for a month for that one!
Amber was just getting dressed for the day.
"Hey lover!" I said as I gave her a big hug.
"Are you sick?" she asked right back.
"What?" is all I can come back with.
"Well it's still morning and you actually came for a visit. You must be on death's bed or owe someone a lot of dosh?" she teasingly replied.
"Yea, you're real funny Missy Mage!" I quickly reply while tickling her sides.
"Actually, if you must know, I went out and got some stuff for dinner. I want you to cook for me tonight and a special guest." I say with an evil grin.
"What? Me cook?" she replies.
"Give it up Amber everyone knows you can cook really well. That's one of the ways you first seduced me, by cooking me a nice romantic dinner." I push back at her.
Rubbing her temple in annoyance she spoke, "Ok, ok..whatever. Who is coming over besides you? Varric?"
"It's a surprise dear. Just humour me please?" I ask as sensually as possible.
"Fine, you know I can't say no to you." She finally gives in.
As she had to go to several meetings that day I soon found my way over in the Elven Alienage. Jessshhhh...this place makes Lowtown look positively, sparkly clean. How do they live down here?
Now I just had to find out where this Merrill chick lived. After asking a few Elves who seemed to be afraid of me for some reason and who were also no help at all, I eventually found one that I knew. It was that Arianni woman who we helped rescue her son from the Fade. After a few minutes of inane, polite conversation she pointed me towards Merrill's place.
I had to knock on the door three times before the mousy, little Elf opened the door.
"Isabela! She answered a bit too enthusiastically for me.
"Do you have a few minutes Merrill? I'd like to ask something?" I replied.
"Sure, sure but please don't judge me on my house it's quite a mess at the moment.
I found her comment fairly ironic because it was stunningly clean on the inside. A few simple paintings and many house plants were the main adornments but she had a few books and one really scary looking mirror as well. Orana would love this place...nothing for her to clean.
I took a seat on one of her dining room chairs. She seemed to be following my every movement, spooky,
"So Kitten, do you have any plans tonight?" I ask.
"Hmm nothing important. I had just planned on reading to be honest." she answered.
"Well Amber is making a big dinner tonight and wanted to know if you could join us?"
"Me? In Amber's mansion? I'm not sure that's a good idea." she replies.
"Ahh Kitten give you self some credit, besides, she will be so disappointed if you are not there." I quip.
Trying to stifle a smile and blush she finally gives in, "Ok. What time?"
"Right about sunset will work." I reply.
"I'll be there." Merrill confirms.
I was about to leave then turned back and said, "You might want to dress up a little if you can. Something formfitting always looks good on you Kitten."
I also handed her a map.
Nodding her head but with a confused look, she indicated she understood.
Now all I had to do was wait.
Nine Hours Later
As the sun lowered in the sky I started to get nervous. I actually had to get a few drinks to calm my nerves. Nothing but doubt and sadness seemed to fill my head. Why was I doing this again?
It took me all my stealth ability but I was able to sneak up to Amber's mansion's side windows that looked down into both the dining and living rooms. If my feeling was correct, they would be spending time in both rooms.
The sun started its trip past the horizon and sure enough Merrill shows up. She knocks on the door and I see Orana bring her in to Amber. The Mages exchange a quick hug and Merrill's eyes never leave Amber, as if she is the only woman in the world.
Amber looks annoyingly at the door, no doubt angry that I am not there yet. Thirty minutes goes by and Amber just shrugs her shoulders and places the prepared food on the table.
The two of them eat a long dinner with many shared laughs and lingering glances. Merrill helps clear the table and even Orana smiles at her assistance with the dishes. What am I doing?
Merrill and my lover move to the main room in front of the giant fire place. They make small talk for a while. Amber digs through her pockets and finds a small, wrapped gift and presents it to Merrill. It was obviously that Eleven ring Amber found in one of our last adventures.
Merrill's tiny hands shake as she opens it. Once she sees it she looks at Amber then at the ground, clearly moved by the gift. Amber steps forward and gently pulls Merrill's face up to face her. They exchange a few words and both step closer and then, as my heart starts to break, their lips meet.
Their first kiss isn't passionate or overwhelming but its soft...genuine...real. It's gentle and respectful...loving...tender, each finding out how they work together moment by moment. But as they continue, the embers ignite..the fire starts...love grows and they soon pull each other tighter in passionate embrace and their breathing becomes harsh and hungry...and then magically..as if by the gods..they breath as one. Their knees weaken and I sadly know what's coming next.
Suddenly but as gentle as holding a new born, in one swift move, Amber lifts Merrill off her feet and into her arms. She carries the now joyously happy Elf upstairs where they are finally out of my view. But I know where they are...where I was just twelve or so hours earlier. I rest my forehead on the window and I soon hear my own tears striking the window glass like a gentle, summer rain. I feel sick and I have to be somewhere else.
I stagger through Hightown insulting anyone who gets in my way. I stop several times to throw-up. Blessed Andraste what have I done? I just let the woman I love more than life itself love someone else. What have I done? It hurts so much worse than I expected. Freedom doesn't suppose to feel like this.
A hour later I fall through the door of the Hanged Man. I'm not drunk, I just can't stop the pain. What have I done? Please stop the pain!
I try to focus, I feel blind but eventually find Varric's suite but its full of his friends but the instant he sees me he yells for all his friends to leave. It was the first time I ever heard him yell like that.
I try to talk but there are no words. My mouth opens...I can't bring myself to say her name. I just cry like a hurt child. He opens his arms in a hug and I go to him and bury my head on his warm chest. I close my eyes and let it all out. What have I done? Please...please...let this be a nightmare. Let me wake in her arms...I promise I will stay all night.
Time loses its meaning and have no idea how long I had been there when I am finally able to open my eyes but by the look of his soggy chest hairs I must have been there quite while.
Somehow during my crying jag we ended up on his bed so I sat up so take stock of the situation. Varric, bless him, was still awake looking at me but asking no questions.
"I'm sorry" I manage to eek out.
"No worries Isabela. That's what friends are for." he replies as gently as possible.
"What time is it?" I ask.
"Just now morning." he answers.
God, I cried all night and the irony that I was able to stay with Varric all night was not lost on me. My stomach was in knots and my head was banging like a drum.
"Varric, I've done something really bad but I had to do it." I say with a scratchy voice.
"Whatever you did I am sure you did it for the right reasons." he replied.
"Yea I guess but I am going to question this the rest if my life."
"Isabela you have so many people who love you so no matter what happed, nothing will change that. You just have to let us help." Varric retorted.
"That's nice..thank you." I replied to Varric but all I could think of was those two up in that warm, inviting bed that I had been sharing for the past year.
"Is there anything I can do?" he asked.
"No, no I guess sometimes even pirate captains get the blues." I answer.
I leave his room and soon find myself in my own room in the Hanged Man. As I walk closer to my bed I see a parchment laying on my bed. I pick it up, it's in Amber's handwriting and my hands tremble.
My Dearest Bella,
I don't know why you did it. I don't know why you wanted it. I could have been happy with us but I know all too well that all I did was take your freedom away day by day. I still love you and I always will but I understand your reasons. Just know you will always be special to me and are welcome in my life if you so choose.
Take care and please don't think bad of Merrill. She feels so guilty already.
Love and Kisses,
Amber
PS: I hope you find the second page of this scroll something conducive to your freedom. I was going to give it to you as a birthday gift but I feel it's more appropriate now. When you feel the sea breeze on your face remember me...no...remember us.
I flip over the scroll to the next page. I immediately start crying again when I realise what it is. My hands shake even more as I looked down upon a deed to a two-hundred-fifty sea schooner. It's named "Freedom's Chance".
I pulled the letter close to my heart, laid down on my bed and curled up. All I could think while I fell to sleep was, I wish I could take it all back but such happiness is not meant for women like me. At least I got to taste it for a year...it will always hurt though...I will stay the night if you want...
Finis