She stood and panted, but realized her move was unfinished. She should storm away, but she had nowhere to go. She should slam her hands down on the table, but she did not feel real anger.
She should say something, something that would get through to him, and make him understand her, but...
But she didn't even understand herself.
She stood, towered over him really, and was completely lost as to how exactly she had gotten there, and what steps she was meant to take next. He wasn't acting the way he was suppose to!
He is suppose to be uneasy, uncomfortable, embarrassed.
Apologetic. Confused. He is suppose to say he is sorry. And he doesn't know how this happened.
And it's just a passing 'thing'.
And soon we can put this behind us, and he'll be my 'brother' again.
Soon he will be as he has always been...
And inexplicably, the aggression was gone, and tears filled her eyes. He wasn't going to say all that, and be all that. Because he didn't mean it. He didn't even want to mean it.
Things will never be like they were...
A simple, obvious statement, but it still struck her like a blow to the stomach. She jerked, stumbled from the table and fell right back into her chair. She covered her face with her hands, pressed her palms hard into her eyes as if she could shove the tears right back in and somehow dam the confusion that was swelling so violently within her.
Her tears hadn't even fallen a handful of seconds before she felt a soft touch on her hair, a hesitant touch on her knee.
"Aya...Aya, I'm so sorry."
Barely words at all, but true apology behind them. She listened to it, and thought maybe just maybe, after finally seeing guilt in him, she could reign in her emotions, and make an unusual try at letting rationality rule her.
A few more tears, a few more sniffs, and she finally made a conscious effort to swallow her tears back down. She slowly lowered her hands from her eyes, but kept them still pressed against her face. Her lips were wet with tears, moist from too quick breaths.
Curious to look down at him. curious to see him from somewhere above. He knelt at her feet, one hand braced on her knee and the other still half-reached to her. When she lifted her head she watched his eyes transform. Gentle, sad inquiry shifted to sober contriteness. He reached back across the space she had created between them when she moved, and ran his fingers down a damp gold lock that was clinging to her cheek. He tucked it behind her ear, then wiped away her tears with careful fingertips.
She let him tidy her face, and try to soothe her. She waited for him to say what he meant to say.
She only hoped it was something she could listen to.
"Don't misunderstand," he said gently, but firmly, "I am not sorry I love you. How could I be? I am sorry that you are struggling so hard with this..."
A breath, almost a sob from her. His eyes were so bright with pain, but it didn't overcome his love, and he was clearly refusing to hide behind that pain. Fingers barely rested on her wet cheek, warming her too cold skin.
Another breath, and her chest rose and fell hard. "What am I suppose to do...?" she didn't think that question, it just came from her lips, torn and strangled by confusion and growing defeat. Her conscience was telling her one thing, her body another, and her emotions were being knocked and battered back and forth between the two.
And the only one...the only one who had ever been able to steady her when she started to slip into free-fall, or catch her and pull her back up when she was already falling...
Was the one that kept shoving her over the edge.
Instinct told her to turn to Aki. To turn to her brother...
But she couldn't now. she just couldn't.
And so she felt as if she were left spinning in place with nowhere to turn.
A sigh from him. such a grown-up sound. "That question...I really don't know how to answer that, Aya. I left all the 'suppose to's behind me long ago. After all, they just didn't seem to have any relevance. I can't tell you how to deal with this, Aya. Anything I say will be tainted by my own desires. I can't really help that. I can't say I'm sorry, and this will pass, and I won't try-because that would be a lie. I can say that I will never hurt you. That I love you with everything that I am, and whatever I think I could be. I don't know if that's really a comfort to you right now, but it is the truth.
"I can't tell you what to do, not really, not with a clear conscience. I can only tell you the truth. And this is the truth: Part of me wishes I was sorry for feeling this way, but even that is not a pure wish. This desire is less about any real guilt on my part, and more about what you want from me...That is what you want from me, right? Aya?" He ducked his head slightly, to catch her eyes in a more direct look, and she realized that she had tried to look away, to lean back. But he pushed forward slightly when she leaned back, his chest pressing in a warm line against her knees, his hand having slid back into her hair as her head turned. But this was clearly a question he wanted answered.
It was also an answer she didn't have. It seemed wrong to want guilt from him, when he asked her directly if that's what she wanted. She didn't want that at all. However, she didn't know what she did want, so she bit her lips and stared back at him with bleary eyes.
"Do you want my opinion? And keep in mind that it is very suspect right now. But...if you want it, I will give it to you..."
Did she? Did she really want his opinion?
Easy enough question, she always wanted to know what Aki was thinking.
"Yes," she whispered, her voice still rough and thick with tears.
His lips curved slightly in a smile, but it wasn't really a smile. No more than that bitter twist of her mouth had been last night. But this expression was different. There was gentleness behind this expression. Tempered only with sadness.
"Then I will tell you, Aya. And you can do whatever you want with it..." He slowly sat back on his heels, slid his hand out of her hair, then took up her left in both of his. He stared down at their hands, her flesh warmed between his, and rubbed his thumb in a gentle circle over her knuckles. He paused, then turned her hand over and traced that thumb over her palm, drawing it over the head-line and the heart-line, mapping the space between like it was a path.
She couldn't help the soft intake of breath. Her hands had always been especially sensitive, and he seemed to know how to touch her just right. Another hesitation from him, and she saw him bite his lip, saw his eyelashes sweep down lower and veil his eyes from her.
"I think...I think that...You shouldn't think so hard about everything. Or maybe...not think in words of 'blame' and 'when' and 'expectation'. 'Acceptance' isn't advice that one can just hear and decide to take, it is a place one must come to on their own. But that is all I can offer right now. just know that I will never push you into anything you're not ready for. Know that, and please believe it. You do know that, right, Aya?" his fingers curved around hers, holding now rather than lying open. And his eyelashes were no longer a barrier between them.
I know that. I do, Aki.
"I know, Aki," still her voice was wet with tears, but he relaxed slightly at her words, and that strange smile became more of a real smile. He took a slow breath, then pulled her hand gently forward. He closed his eyes and bowed his head, resting his forehead in their hands. She watched his shoulders loosen, his whole body seem to unfurl and go soft in slow pieces until he was nearly draped across her knees, and she could feel the gentle rise and fall of his breathing.
With hesitance she lifted her right hand, then slowly reached forward to rest it on the back of his head. She slid her fingers carefully through his gold hair, and felt her pain both swell, and soften at its edges. It filled her chest until it felt hard to breathe, but her mind calmed, and a strange tranquility snaked its way through her.
She leaned slowly forward, making her spine a curved shelter over him, and let her lips just rest, loose and parted in his hair. Closing her eyes she breathed in his scent, and let herself feel loved and comforted for a moment.
A moment made all the more special with the knowledge of how transitory it would be...
tbc...