There was even something different about their walk. Part of her felt the urge to trail behind him, but he didn't allow it. When she slowed, he slowed, when she lengthened her stride, he followed. She stayed to his left, kept a steady foot of distance between them. Even in the moments when he edged closer to her.
It was strange, being so aware of another. Every movement caught and held her attention, even just out of the corner of her eye. His every shift, no matter how small, pulled on her attention, like a puppeteer pulling on a string.
It was nerve-wracking, she just wanted to relax. She wanted...she wanted the easy comfortablity they had before. But she didn't know how to get back to that. She didn't know if it was even possible.
So intent she was on visually tracking him, that she stubbed the toe of her shoe on a seam in the sidewalk. Her natural grace kicked in, of course, and she stumbled forward.
Aki caught her, steadied her. "Careful," he whispered, and she noticed the adrenaline of her fall was a lot like the feeling she got when he had verbally cornered her that morning. That same tingling jolt that shook in her hands.
Her arm was bent, pressed in a firm line against his chest. One of his was around the small of her back. His other hand grasping the inner curve of her shoulder, fingers wind-kissed and resting against the side of her throat. Her skin seemed especially hot against his, having been protected from the cold by the warm fall of her long hair.
She shuddered at the chill. hung her head and refused to lift it those few inches that would turn her face up to his. She could feel the warm mist of his breath on her hair. Looking up now, she knew, would be inviting something...
She wasn't sure what, but she could already feel it building in the air around them, the longer she leaned against him.
Pulling away was harder than she would have thought. It was so cold, and he was so warm. And so very willing to share that warmth with her.
Weeks ago she would have happily took what he offered, and not thought twice about it. Now she moved to place her hand on the flat plane of his chest, and...hesitated. Her arm locked to push away, but she did not move for a long second.
Acting only as his sister-was even that dangerous? She didn't know what was allowed, and what wasn't.
To use a variation of his own words-it's only as 'suggestive' as he wants to make it.
Unfortunately, he clearly wasn't going to play fair.
In his defense, her inner-voice roused pleasantly, this situation is so far outside of the framework of 'common', that the normal rules cannot be applied. If you consider similar situations, as for example, 'love', and then apply those rules here, then...
Smugness. It didn't need to finish.
The old phrase, 'all's fair...' echoed like a bell-strike in her mind.
Stop it, she snapped, and pushed away from him.
His arms stretched with her move, hands holding on. At the second after the very last, he let her go and stepped back.
"You're freezing," he said, not addressing the 'moment' that almost happened, and instead carrying on as if he hadn't even recognized it.
At the same time, a subtle flavour to his words belied such ignorance. As if he only ignored it for her sake.
Too, too many undercurrents were pulling at her now. She was trying desperately to swim, while he seemed just as content to drown.
"Well, it is cold out here," she muttered the obvious. Distracted, and really, really wishing she wasn't.
"Come here," he said, lifting his arm in invitation.
She paused, giving him a completely startled look before she could stop herself. Did he really expect her to come over there and 'nestle under his wing'? Attach herself to his side?
Exasperation flashed across his eyes, threaded with subtle hurt, and a touch of self-mockery. His expressions were becoming so mixed, or maybe...he was showing all the emotions he had kept repressed for so long.
Or maybe, she just knew what she was seeing now.
"Aya, we're on a moderately busy street-what exactly do you expect me to do to you?"
That was a rhetorical question, right? Besides..."I don't know. You keep...keep...trying, even after I've said 'no'."
"Because you only half-mean that 'no'. If that."
She opened her mouth to sputter in outrage, but he quickly cut her off.
"And it's called 'testing boundaries'. If I recall, I stopped every time, as soon as you protested."
He said that so calmly, so...reasonably. She stared at him with wide, wide eyes. She alternated between bitter laughter, and a strange urge to fall to her knees and cry. "You keep doing it..." a raspy whisper, it almost hurt her throat to utter it.
Now a gentle look, full of warmth and even a little sadness. "Aya, you keep hesitating. Every time you protest, you hesitate beforehand...and every time that moment of hesitation grows longer. I'm in love with you-you can't expect me to ignore something like that."
Soft words. Her hands curled into fists at her sides. "Stop saying that!" Her stance bordered on combative. Her tone was all plea. Every time he said that, she felt like she was stumbling again.
He tilted his head with a look of curiosity. It wasn't real. "Saying what?" He knew exactly what he was saying. He knew, and she knew.
"That...that you love me." Her hands remained in fists, but now she crossed them over her stomach and looked away. The wind stung her cheeks.
He stepped forward, took her hands gently and uncrossed them. Her fingers were numb from the cold, he pressed them together between his hands and rubbed them.
She caught herself in the hesitation this time, and knew if she pulled away now it would only prove him right. So she left her hands limp between his, and the friction slowly warmed them. He couldn't accuse her of hesitating if she didn't pull away.
It was bad enough that she was aware of it.
It was still a relief, however, to regain feeling in her hands. This didn't have to mean anything more than that.
"I keep saying it," he answered calmly, "because I know how denial works. I won't let you pretend my feeling aren't real, Aya. We can only work through this by facing the truth."
There was a prompt in his eyes, as if he was telling her more than he was saying.
He's saying I need to face the truth of my own feelings. Not just his.
But she couldn't...
There wasn't...
She wished he hadn't used that word, 'hesitation'. It kept sticking in her mind.
Because he was right. Hesitation was a confession all on its own. "What truth are you looking for here, Aki," she finally asked. "I already told you that-I'm attracted to you. I don't know..." she tried to draw her hands back, but he pressed them firmly between his and held on. She didn't really try all that hard. "I don't know what you expect from me."
He opened his mouth, maybe to answer, but she knew she didn't really want those words. So she firmly over-rode his voice with, "Whatever it is, I can't give it. I'm sorry, Aki, but I just can't."
And strangely enough, she was sorry. Very, very sorry. She loved him and wished desperately for his happiness.
But...but it wasn't...her?
He relaxed slightly. "I understand," he said again, and she got the distinct feeling once more that they were both talking at two different levels.
"You understand what?" She wasn't going to let him get away with it this time. This...insinuating what he wanted, and ignoring what she was really saying.
There was an insinuation there, right?
He smiled at her, released one of her hands, and then pulled the other. He guided her forward a few steps before letting go of her hand, but only to slide his arm around her shoulders and pull her against his side. "Let's get to the shop, and get you out of this cold-"
Strangely un-forced cheer in his voice. She cut it off sharply by placing both her hands on his side and trying to push distance between them. "Aki! Stop it!"
"Stop what," he asked, but didn't let her go, and he didn't answer her question.
And his question was good enough on its own. Was she telling him to let her go, stop leaving so many of their words open to interpretation? Or stop hearing her own words only in the ways that he wanted?
She couldn't decide which one she wanted most, or even how to express that want clearly. Her words seemed a thread that just seemed to tangle more and more.
He pulled a little more firmly on her shoulder, and her hand slid over his side, skewing his jacket and actually slipping into the part where he had only zipped it half-way up. She started, nearly freezing in place when she realized she was half-embracing him now.
"Aki!" she demanded, trying fruitlessly to untangle herself from him. He didn't help, what with his cheerful undermining of her attempts.
"Oh, stop," he sighed when she dug her nails into his side one too many times. "Aya, I'm not going to do anything, okay? Look, we're almost there."
She hesitated, lifting her head to see a prim, little shop a little ways ahead of them. The front was all snow-dotted windows and rose-coloured trim. The sidewalk looked icy and cold compared to the gold light and sanguine faces inside.
Resigning herself to his arms for the last few steps, she unclenched her nails from his side, and slid her hand up and over so it was resting in a less suggestive place.
Though she wasn't sure if right of his heart was a better place. Her hand was still in his coat, but not buried so far down.
tbc...