AkuRoku Month Part III

I Wanna Have Control

Everything hurts.

Legs, arms, hips, stomach – especially my stomach. It's okay though, I kinda like it. I kinda like bumping my arm by accident into the corner of a wall and feeling the pain in my bones. I also kinda like watching the bruises show up on my skin outta nowhere. They tell me I'm doing the right thing, that I'm on the right track. That I'm still losing weight.

Roxas doesn't like it, though. He always gets this sad expression on his face when I clutch my grumbling stomach after days of not eating. Then again, he doesn't hold it against me, not like so many others. He just sighs with the understanding that there's nothing he can do, and that's as good as it's gonna get I suppose. I mean, I'm not asking him to be overjoyed or anything, but this is far better than the reactions I've gotten from everyone else.

Xemnas had dismissed it completely, which was cool with me, but Saix had thrown a fit to end all fits. It was the kind of thing that started hushed between the two of us in an empty corridor before turning into a fistfight that caused sizable holes in several rooms of the castle. After he'd let out his anger though, Saix hasn't bothered me again. I do get the occasional stare during mealtime here and there, but other than that he's been silent.

Demyx had attempted to play psychologist with me at the news. He'd gone all-out too – chaise lounge, notebook in hand, and a hand-drawn diploma on the wall above his bed. I humored him for a bit, but once I had accidentally let slip some more intimate feelings about myself, I stopped playing around and he got the picture.

Zexion, Xaldin, Luxord, Xigbar, and Lexaeus are pretty understanding. They ask how I'm doing once in a while, and they know better than to offer me any food at any time. Vexen on the other hand, well, he's been the hardest to deal with. I can barely go two days without the bastard nagging on me about my intake and current physical state. One time, the prick had the bright 'scientific' idea to force-feed me and see what happens. Needless to say I had gotten in huge trouble with Xemnas when I tried to kill the fucker.

Larxene has been the greatest help. She's always been there to give me pointers – don't eat until after seven in the morning, and no more food after seven at night, if I have to eat at all. Drink water every hour to keep myself full, make sure to keep the hands busy, shit like that. I don't like eating, and she knows that. Whenever I'm having a bad day where Xemnas gets in a mood for us to 'dine together', Larxene takes my food for me under the table. Of course Im not saying she's happy about my condition, but at least she doesn't make me feel terrible about it.

It's not like I can control it. I'm been dealing with this for as long as I can remember. I have clear memories of being Lea at school, sitting there giving my lunch to other kids at the table because 'I was full'. That was so long ago now.

Roxas...Roxas has been the most painful to talk with about this. It was only last week that I had finally told him about the demons inside of me. I'd gone into a long, boring drawl about how Eating Disorders are of the mind, not the body. How I've tried over and over again to eat without thinking, how it's never worked out, how the times when I've somehow gained a pound I wish to die all over again.

He'd been very quiet the whole time. After a few moments of silence, Roxas had only asked if that sort of thing could really transfer over when becoming a Nobody. Shit, like I had an answer for that. I mean, I guess it can, if I'm standing here now weighing myself for the eighth time today.

"One-twelve..." The number stared up at me from the scale, laughing at me. There it was again – that terrible feeling that I'm drowning within my own body. The tears started before I could stop them, and I stepped off the scale. What did I do wrong this time? I haven't eaten anything in two days – how could I have possibly gained? I fell to the floor and cried my eyes out silently. My body ached with my sobbing heaves. All I could see on my body was fat – fat everywhere.

"Axel? You in there?"

Roxas. Roxas is at the door to my room asking if I'm okay. And pretty much, that is my only thought of his presence. I make no move to get up even as he knocks on the door and asks to be let in. I sit on my floor, I stare at my scale, and I slowly let myself die inside.

Then the door opens.

"Damnit Axel..." Roxas sits by me and reaches out to touch my fatass thigh. I move away, naturally, and I just know his face is reflecting how much that just hurt him inside.

"Please Roxas...just leave me alone. I just want to die." I choke out, my eyes fixed on my feet in front of me.

"No. I'm not leaving Axel, you need me here." He moves to touch me again, and I stand up abruptly.

"Get out. Get the fuck out Roxas." I point to my door and wait for him to leave. He doesn't of course.

"No. Apparently I need to watch you because you're sitting in here radiating so much angst I can't think straight." He starts to approach me and I lose it. I start crying harder again and I just sit back down on the floor. My mind is screaming at me for Roxas to stay away – I'm too fat, I can't be touched, I don't deserve him, I'm so fucking worthless-

He's hugging me. Roxas is hugging me. I try to shove him off, but I'm just too fucking tired and weak. When I give up and just cry into his shoulder, he pets my hair and whispers over and over that everything will be okay. I know he's lying, everyone lies to me, but whatever he needs to say to think he's making me feel better, okay, let him say it.

After an hour of crying like a baby, I tell Roxas I'm alright. He offers to grab me something to eat – that if I even only have a single toaster pastry, which is two-hundred-ten calories my brain reminds me, it would make him happy. I agree to these terms and go out to the kitchen with him. He hands it to me and smiles reassuringly, telling me how it's perfectly okay to eat. I smile back and ruffle his hair, taking my treat back to my room with me.

I am now having a staring contest with a pastry. I think I'm winning, but I can't be sure. I know I do win over my growling stomach when I pick up the food and stash it in a plastic bad underneath my bed. Of course I crumble it up into tiny pieces first so I won't be tempted in the middle of the night. I shake the bag a bit and mix it with the other foods I've won over – crackers, chocolates, shit like that. After I'm satisfied, I crawl back into bed and just lay there, feeling my bones beneath my skin.

Everything hurts.

My body has been torn down and broken by my own hand.

And I don't want anyone's help.

A/N: It's always been my head-canon that Axel suffers Anorexia Nervosa, like I do. Every day is a Hell that cannot be escaped. If you or someone you know lives with an Eating Disorder, you have my full support - in whatever way you may need it. Happy AkuRoku Day.