Of course, he countered her calmly, nibbling on another strawberry. He seemed to have a preference. "You do know. Even if it's not consciously. Or acceptable." He added that last part as if an after-thought, and she realized that it so wasn't. It was really what he was saying. He was speaking backwards in order of importance.
Not acceptable...Well, that was this whole situation, wasn't it?
He had already decided on an answer for her kiss. She wet her lips, then spoke it out-loud. "I'm attracted to you. That's the explanation you want, right? That that kiss was the result of some desire? Well, I can't say that. I can't say that because I honestly don't know. I really felt like I was sleep-walking at the time. By the time I realized what I was doing, I had already kissed you, then ran away to hide in the bathroom."
Silence from him, she didn't know what to make of it.
"You're really being candid with me now, Aya. I really appreciate it."
The question of 'why', remained silent. As did her answer. Being in public, for some reason it gave her a sense of safety. Though clearly that was just an illusion, on the verbal and emotional scale.
Physically, she was safe from his advances. Safe from trying to process and/or repress her own reactions.
He probably understood all that. That was probably his intentions here. It was a subtle form of manipulation, if she chose to think about it that way. She chose to think about it in the way of him trying to put her at ease.
Something prodded far back in her mind that that could be a form of manipulation all on its own.
"I am trying to be honest, to the best of my ability." Then she shook her head slightly. "But you need to accept that sometimes the truth is not what you are going to want. You can't just dismiss it as lies, or confusion, when it doesn't coincide with what you want to hear." He needed to understand that. She really hoped it was true. It made her feel shaky, to think that he might be completely right.
He sat for a long moment with the empty scoop of the spoon pressed against his bottom lip, seemingly savouring the dessert, but she knew he was digesting her words.
Or maybe he was sifting through them, pushing the ones he could use to the front, and shoving all the rest back.
For a long moment she sat and felt it again. That feeling of being...hunted.
He finally put the spoon down and looked at her directly. She knew he was serious again. Aki was dangerous when he was serious. "I want to be with you," he repeated his previous words, taking them full-circle back to the beginning of this conversation. "I am trying to be careful, trying to make sure that my feelings are not blinding me. I admit, it hasn't been easy. Especially when the nature of your 'truth' keeps changing. You are hesitating, Aya."
She wanted to look away, but he wouldn't let her.
"That is the truth. And that tells me that you want this, too. That you want to be with me, too. You are in love with me."
"...Aki, no..."
He smiled at her, just a gentle curve of lip. Something an adult would give a child. "Aya, yes."
Socked toes slid up the inside of her ankle under the table. He had slid his foot out of his shoe. She froze in place and stared at him.
"Out here, in this world away from the Mikages, we can be whoever we want to be...Don't you...want to be the one I want?"
And she did, in a strange, inexplicable way. She admired Aki so much, to be precious to him...one would have to be very special. Very special, and very lucky. She was flattered. Despite the inappropriateness of such feelings.
She felt stuck in gear. Like part of her heard his words and was picking them apart for meaning, while another part of her could only feel his foot wrapped around her ankle. No longer moving, just holding in place.
He smiled at her again. "Hesitating, Aya."
A little hitch in her breath, she quickly slid her foot up and out from under his. "I'm not 'hesitating', you are distracting me." There was a force of accusation to that, a thin layer barely covering the pleading.
He propped his elbow up on the table, leaning his chin in the cradle of his hand. His bangs fell over his eyes-a strangely winsome look. "Am I now?" Not quite a whisper, and definitely not a question. Soft, indulgent amusement.
She frowned at him. "Don't patronize me, Aki."
It didn't achieve anything, the look continued. There was almost a...dreaminess to it. "Aya, you are so cute sometimes."
This wasn't working. They weren't getting anywhere. Neither of them were making an effort to compromise, and he kept randomly...flirting with her. He was flirting with her. Serious one moment, serious the next, but in the breaths between...
So this is 'Aki-in-love', her inner-voice pondered, giving every impression of a curious head-tilt.
Then it came to a decision. It looks good on him.
Her eyes widened, and his smile shifted, clearly thinking she was reacting to his comment.
Don't say that.
Feigned curiosity, you don't think so?
No, she muttered in clear upset.
"Only sometimes?" that was a patented 'Aya-answer'. And one she would have refrained from giving had she been paying attention. He brightened instantly, sat up in his bench.
"Well, now..."
He's acting more confident, aggressive...You don't think these qualities attractive?
I didn't say that-
She really didn't. It was grudging, but she had to admit, under different circumstances, she would see these as very desirable traits.
In someone else.
Someone not...him.
There you go again, put the words 'my brother' from your mind, okay?
I can't do that! She was going to hyperventiliate.
Why? Scared?
"Definitely 'only sometimes'," he said, catching her attention. She looked at him in confusion.
What?
What, her inner-voice echoed.
He placed the tip of his middle finger on the table, then slowly drew a small circle, watching the invisible line form. Then he slowly lifted his eyes to hers. His chin remained down-tilted, and the look seemed to take on a whole new depth of tone.
She wasn't going to name it.
"Because sometimes you are so sexy I can hardly breathe..."
She was having trouble breathing, right now...
"And sometimes you are so sweet that I feel like I'm swelling up with emotion..."
He drew another circle, even slower this time. She stared at the movement of his hand, and felt her heart beating, thick and deep. And...bigger. Like it had somehow stretched into her limbs. Her stomach...her...Her knees turned inward, her hands curling into fists.
"And sometimes your just so...exasperating that all I want to do is just grab you, and-well-"
She stared at him, breathless and riveted as he cast her a coy look. Why was he talking like this? People weren't suppose to talk like this! (Especially not Aki. Especially not to me!)
"Well, I'm not quite sure."
And she didn't quite believe that, but she was pretty sure that she wouldn't be able to handle that answer right now.
"Aki..."
Why? Why had she said his name? Why had she said it like that, thick and lost? She hadn't meant to say it at all.
His hand went still, his fingers splaying on the table. There was a soft scratching sound as he dug his nails in slightly. "I wish we weren't here, Aya," he whispered, she felt as if she was hearing only half of it. "I wish we were back at the apartment. Somewhere private, somewhere where we don't have to worry about what others think. Where I can touch you, really touch you. I really want to touch you right now..."
She slowly sat back in her bench, her spine going so tense and still that she could feel a sharp ache in her neck. "A place like that doesn't exist, Aki."
What he was asking for...it couldn't be...?
"It can, if we want it to, Aya."
She said what she had to. The words had the taste of dust. "I don't want it to." No hesitation. But no conviction either.
He smiled at her again. "You lie."
How could he just say that? How could he be so certain?
"You don't get to decide that, Aki."
"You lie," he repeated just as firmly. No, more firmly.
Was it lie? How could she not know? How could she not know herself?
He leaned forward, pushing the parfait off to the side because it didn't matter anymore. It had only mattered because she had wanted it. "Come home with me," he said. "We will work through this together."
He said that, but she didn't forget what he had said moments before. And she knew he knew that. He was the one now offering that she read his words however she wished.
So what did it mean, that she heard temptation in that offer? An invitation...
"You will try to seduce me again," she whispered haltingly. There was a shaking deep in her stomach. She was afraid it was going to travel through her words. She was afraid he would hear it and know what it meant, even when she didn't.
He didn't draw back at that, he didn't treat it as an accusation. "Yes," he said simply, then tilted his head with an absolute lack of guile. There was something almost innocent to his features. He didn't continue, didn't try to excuse or explain. It was the truth.
How do I combat that? He's not leaving it open to compromise.
Because he's being honest...Her inner-voice prompted, as if his honesty should command hers.
I have been honest, she countered. What do you want from me? It was a painful twist in her head. She didn't know if she was speaking to herself, or him. She didn't know.
"Why do you keep doing this?" Again, she didn't know who she was speaking to. She had an uneasy feeling that it was herself, and not him.
There was no answer within, but he sighed. "You know why, Aya."
Because you love me...?
Was that it? The depth of his reason?
"Come home with me," he repeated, less insinuation to it, but the seriousness was even more unsettling.
She hesitated, but knew she had to go back sometime. She still felt wary of being in public. But she was also wary of being alone with him...
She took a deep breath and pushed her tea away. "Okay." She wasn't afraid of her brother. Wariness and fear were not the same thing.
He didn't smile or reply. He got up and paid for their drinks and parfait. He smoothed down his coat, zipped up hers, then put his arm around her and turned back to the door. That casually.