Their reflections in the shoppe windows on the street did not show them. When she turned her head she caught the passing glance of a gold couple. She didn't push off his arm, didn't struggle. She caught them in every smooth and reflective surface, and didn't quite understand the picture they made.
She didn't drag her feet, but she didn't hurry either. The path ahead of her had taken another unknown turn. They were going home. She had no idea what to expect. And it was as if her mind was standing empty, waiting for something to happen so she could react.
That wasn't like her. She made things happen. She didn't wait around for things to happen to her.
Another few steps, another flash of gold in a dark window. She wondered distantly if she should try to guide what was coming.
Was there something coming?
Yes. She knew it as well as he did. Aki was stubborn, and he seemed to have made up his mind. He wasn't going to let this go now...Now that she had...
She had...
She had...
She lowered her head, stared at the sidewalk with empty eyes as he led her.
The things they had done...
What he had done to her...
What she had allowed him to do...
She hadn't let the memories well up in her mind, but with the open-future directly ahead of her, she couldn't seem to suppress it anymore.
He had seen her, touched her in ways that no one ever had before.
And she had done the same. She had wanted to. She must have, because she could remember reaching for him, she could remember wanting to touch him, taste him. Drag him into the desperate ways he was making her feel.
An echo of it seemed to go through her body with the memory. Just a thread, but enough to sting her cheeks with blood, to make it feel as if she were drawing her breaths in deeper.
She unconsciously lifted her hand and rested it on his side. She clenched her fingers in his jacket.
Be honest, her inner-voice seemed to detach from the stirring feelings. You liked the way he touched you. You want him to do it again.
And there was an image in her mind of what it meant. A hazy picture of a girl in Aki's arms, of long gold hair fallen over bare shoulders as she held him close. As he touched her...
No...It was weak. She told herself to push the image away, but it only seemed to grow stronger. Now she could see the familiar lines of her own face, flushed with pleasure. The strength of his fingers on her hips, the needy way he pulled her down on him while he pushed his hips up again and again.
The way he whispered, soft words to her twined around urgent moans.
She was shaking. It was cold enough to snow again, but it wasn't the temperature on the street. She did. She really, really did. She wanted him.
She had said it before, but she hadn't quite believed it. Still didn't, to be honest. But she could feel it. A trembling in her blood, an insistent ache in her stomach.
I'm so messed up, she thought miserably. Aki shouldn't get me hot.
And he knows, came the grudging whisper. He knows I feel this way...
And that's why he keeps trapping me.
Because I keep letting him.
Because the uncensored truth...
She took firm hold of her mind and forced the thought into words. Because the uncensored truth is that I want him, too. And that is the reason I stayed kneeling at his side that night. Why I kissed him...
It was curiosity, yes. But it was curiosity -about him-.
I had a dream...months ago...and...
Hips between her thighs...struggling to separate. Struggling to understand. And...surrender...
So long I've been wondering why he feels this way. Where it started. I should have been wondering that about myself. Did this desire follow his? Or was it in me all along?
Does it really matter? Where it began or how it started...
Does it really matter?
She didn't know how to answer that question. She didn't know what to do now.
He was leading her up steps, she didn't notice. She didn't even notice that she was following blindly.
What if I...just did it? What if I...slept with him? We've come so far already. Gone too far. Would it really change anything?
Her mind had already gone there. Again and again. Didn't that mean that the sin was already committed? Even if only in the spirit?
She took a hard breath, her fingers tightening in his jacket. Aya, what are you thinking? You can't do that!
Why, her mind prompted.
A blink, and she vaguely noticed that they were at the apartment. That he was opening the door and leading her through.
Because! Because...
The door closed softly behind her. The click of the lock catching seemed loud.
Because it would change everything.
How long do you think you'll be able to pretend that things haven't already changed? You can't go back.