She stood nearly in the centre of the room, and felt as if she tried to take one step, she might try to go in ten different directions at the same time.
The situation that was difficult before, was impossible now. If she thought about it like a fire, then, rather than suffocating it as she had planned, she had instead been tossing wood and oxygen at it.
There was a steady burning in her gut, and he was definitely NOT going to back down now.
Heat clenched like a clawed fist inside her.
Tears stung her eyes. How could that thought, that realization, possibly set her heart to beating faster? And not with dread?
It's a little like anticipation, her inner-voice commented pleasantly.
No, she returned firmly. But the honest truth was...that it was. There was still that part of her that wanted him to come back out of the bathroom, shove her down on the bed, and take the decision right out of her hands.
She was horrified at her own thinking. She didn't really want that, did she?
The soft, insistent throb of her body was an answer all its own. She refused to put it into words. There was a certain amount of violence in that desire. It scared her.
Oh please, her inner-voice sighed in exasperation, please tell me you can see what's really going on here? It's not about 'violence'. It's about 'desire', and your current struggle with your conscience. You want him. You tell yourself you don't. You won't allow yourself to be with him-at the moment you cannot overcome your 'conscience'. So your mind, the part not bound up in what others have told you is wrong and right, is translating what it wants into a sort of fantasy. Him, over-powering you, taking you despite your 'protests'-it's all very symbolic.
Is that really all it is, she wondered. Me wanting him to take the blame off my shoulders...
That was worse than the desire. That was...a coward's way out.
Well, maybe not 'all', her inner-voice returned slyly. There is a certain merit to the image itself. Passion is compelling. You like the thought of him being out of control with desire for you.
It makes you feel powerful.
And there is the point that it's Aki. You've always liked to push at him until he loses his temper...
You can't be serious, she muttered. That's not the same...
Maybe not, but it comes from the same place.
Without warning, it shoved that same image at her. Of him, holding her down, of him, doing whatever he wanted with her. She jarred, her hands clasping her stomach and pushing down hard.
Now tell me you don't want it, it returned, all pleasantness gone to be replaced with a vicious sort of calm.
Her stomach was twisting with a mix of lust and shock. It felt exactly like someone had just kicked her hard.
What more do you want from me, she mentally gasped. I've already admitted that I want him!
But I don't want to want him...
Why wouldn't her body listen to her mind?
Maybe because her mind wasn't being consistent in what it was saying.
None of that is an answer, her mind persisted in the same stubbornness that was usually a virtue for her.
Every virtue has a corresponding vice.
I said I wanted him!
Was it healthy to argue so much with herself?
Yes or no? It's really not that hard. You're not even saying it out-loud...
I. Want. Him.
Like that?
Yes. All right, yes. Right now. Just like that.
Why?
Why? What do you mean 'why'?
That question spun her-did it even have an answer? How could she possibly answer that?
We've already determined that it's only half-a-symbol. A way to alleviate your guilt and still have what you want. But what about the other half?
She forced her hands from her stomach and sat down heavily on the edge of the bed. Hard enough to bounce a little. Why don't you tell me, since you clearly already know?
I know only what you know. I, however, am not afraid to put hard truths into words. Besides, you gain nothing from hearing me spell it out to you. You have to say it yourself before you'll believe it.
What are you getting at-I don't understand. You've already got me to admit that I'm attracted to him...
I am trying to get you to stop beating yourself up.
You are the one badgering me!
Exactly.
And she blinked, it taking a second for the realization to catch up with her. And then she wanted to sigh.
A circular argument with herself, about arguing.
Only her.
Aki would find this absolutely hilarious. Maybe I'll tell him one day.
I'm not arguing, she finally thought, calming herself down. I want him. I want that fantasy. Exactly for the reasons you expressed. To pass the guilt off to someone else, and because...
She expanded her lungs with a deep breath, they burned like she had been running ten miles.
Because...it would feel so good. He would make it so good.
She lifted her right hand to her mouth, then slowly dragged her fingers down over her lips. She wasn't sure why, only that there was something instinctively sensuous about the gesture.
It made her lips tingle.
Oh god, would it be good, and she tilted her head back only slightly, her eyes closed. Her hand slid to her throat, lingered with soft touches on her neckline. Her fingertips slipped under just the very edge of cloth and hesitated. Goosebumps broke out on her skin.
She didn't consciously decide it, the image had never quite left. She only reached out with shaky hands and slowly drew it close to her.