For the first time ever, Jane dreaded seeing Maura.
Even when they had been angry, fighting, she hadn't had this heavy ball of fear in her stomach. Hadn't wanted to stay in bed and avoid her best friend.
She hated the feeling.
She was so helpless. So lost.
She had yet to call Kate again.
It was pouring rain and bitterly cold when she left for work.
Skulking into the precinct, she rushed past the elevators, hoping to avoid a confrontation with her best friend. She wasn't prepared to face her yet.
Frost looked poised to ask what was wrong but he surveyed her a moment before he shut his mouth, returned to the computer screen in front of him.
They worked in relative silence for most of the morning, the never-ending pile of paperwork only growing slightly smaller in the space of a few hours. When lunch rolled around, Frost stretched and turned to look at her expectantly.
"Never did tell me how your date went," he prodded.
Jane rolled her neck futilely. None of the tension left her body.
"It was good," she shrugged.
"Good?" Frost echoed. "You don't sound that happy."
"It was fine," Jane replied. "I don't think I'm going to see her again."
"Oh," Frost frowned. "So it wasn't good then."
"I said it was good," Jane snapped.
"Then why aren't you gonna see her again?" Frost asked.
"Frost," Jane bit. "Can you drop it please." It wasn't a request.
"Come on," Frost stood abruptly. "Time to eat."
Jane thought about protesting but her stomach rumbled loudly.
"Fine," she muttered. "But we're eating junk food and you're paying."
"Fine," Frost agreed. "But I'm driving."
They rode in silence and Jane could feel the wheels in Frost's head spinning. Could feel him formulating his thoughts, choosing his words with care.
"Look," Frost began, eyes trained on the road. "I'd say this is none of my business but, you know what? It is. Cause you're my partner and my friend and I care about you. So you can huff and puff and be pissy at me but I'm gonna say my piece."
He paused but Jane didn't interrupt.
"I think you're an idiot sometimes," he blurted. "You go out with this great girl and you have a nice time and you don't want to see her again because of what? You said something stupid or whatever? You can't spend your whole life chasing something and then running away when you get it. You can't build yourself a house and then complain it's too small."
"Frost," Jane interjected.
He didn't stop.
"You've got a great life," he continued. "Friends and family and a job you love. You've got things most people only dream about. You're lucky. You're gay in a place that allows it, recognizes it. You have a best friend who cares about you more than you'll ever know. You've got the best damn partner on the force. And yet somehow you spend most of your time brooding and worrying. It's ridiculous."
"It's Maura," Jane breathed, surprised she had admitted it out loud. Surprised the whole universe didn't collapse on her in that moment. Surprised they didn't die when Frost accidentally looked at her in shock and then had to jerk the wheel back to neutral as they swerved into another lane.
"What?" he croaked.
"It's Maura," Jane repeated. Bolder. Surer.
Frost was her friend. Her partner. She trusted him with her life. She could trust him with this.
"What uh," Frost seemed totally thrown. "What about her? She say something to you?"
"No," Jane wondered what Frost knew that she didn't. "That's just it. She won't say anything to me. She's mad and she won't tell me why and I know that I'm losing her and it's driving me crazy."
They rode in silence a minute more, the windshield wipers filling the car with their rhythmic tune, like the ticking of an oppressive clock.
"She's not mad at you," Frost said.
"Right," Jane replied disbelievingly. "It doesn't seem that way."
"Well," Frost licked his lips nervously. "Have you talked to her about it?"
"Yes!" Jane exclaimed in frustration. "I tried. I tried talking. I tried listening. I tried asking questions. I tried and she won't open up. I can't help but think-"
The idea hurt too much to even consider.
"What?" Frost pressed eventually.
"I can't help but think she's not ok having a gay best friend," Jane rasped, barely able to put voice to the terrible thought.
It had been haunting her for days.
"That's not it," Frost asserted, no room for doubt. He glanced away from the wheel long enough to hold Jane's eyes when he repeated it. "That's not it."
Jane nodded but couldn't find her voice.
"Maura is totally accepting of you," he added. "You knew she was accepting of the LGBT community before you came out. And from what I've seen she has been nothing but loving and supportive since you came out. Isn't that true?"
Jane mutely nodded again.
Pressurized silence filled the car. Frost parked but didn't move to exit the vehicle.
"Jane," he coaxed. "Come on. Stop thinking like that. Talk to Maura. Call Kate. But first, let's get you something to eat."
Nodding, Jane got out of the car. Even the idea of a Spike's junkyard hotdog wasn't exciting at the moment.
She just felt so hopeless.
Kate was wonderful. Jane could really imagine a relationship with her.
But without Maura?
Jane couldn't even begin to picture what that life would look like.
They ate and Frost did his best to distract her, but Jane's mind kept wandering. She had four open homicides, mountains of paperwork, a budding romance, and a failing friendship.
It all felt so overwhelming.
Normally, she would have turned to Maura for comfort. For guidance. For reassurance.
Instead, she took Frost's suggestion and called Kate.
It Maura was going to let her go, whatever the reason, Jane could only fight it so much. And right now, she was too tired to fight.
Kate answered on the second ring. Her honeyed voice made Jane's pulse double. Her calming tone made some of the stress in Jane's shoulders melt away.
It was refreshing.
They made plans to have dinner on Wednesday night.
Jane told herself that if Kate offered again, she would sleep with her.
No more waiting. No more pretending.
If Maura wanted to let her go, then she would go.
She tried to be fine with it. To convince herself that she was strong enough to do this without faltering.
But in the back of her mind, and in every corner of her heart, she knew better.
Losing Maura had always been something she worried about. Endless nightmares were consumed with thoughts of Maura being injured, killed. Countless minutes of her life had been spent, breath held, waiting for news that her friend was alive. Healthy.
She had been forced to confront the violent, sudden, tragic loss of her other half on multiple occasions.
She was no stranger to the idea of visiting Maura's hospital bed. Of wondering how often she would be able to bring herself to visit Maura's grave.
But this?
This slow, visceral loss?
This, she was not prepared for. This she could not deal with.
This was not the fault of a stray bullet or a malicious psycho. This was on Jane.
And that knowledge haunted her more than all of her other nightmares combined.
The rest of the day passed without incident. She didn't see Maura.
Tuesday was much the same.
Wednesday, Jane finally saw Maura for a few minutes towards the end of the day.
Frankie was giving her shit about her upcoming second date when he caught Maura's attention as she barreled through the bullpen, clearly intent on ignoring Jane.
"Hey Maura," he grinned. "How are you?"
Maura stopped near them, smiled politely. Warmly, but there was something missing.
"I'm fine Frankie," she replied. "How are you?"
"I'm good," he responded. "Just giving Jane some of my foolproof tips for impressing the ladies."
Maura looked at Jane in surprise.
"Oh?" she intoned evenly.
"Yeah," Frankie nodded proudly. "Since she's going on her second date with Kate tonight. Don't want my big sister striking out so early in the game." He laughed and bumped Jane's shoulder with his own.
He was totally oblivious to the way Maura's face had fallen. To how her attention had fixed on Jane and not shifted back while he was talking.
Jane felt the sudden need to defend herself to Maura. She didn't like it.
"You're going out with her again?" Maura asked. Her voice was even but her eyes told a different story.
Jane felt herself being pulled under.
"Yeah," she tried to play it cool. "Kate's a great woman. Thought I'd see where it goes."
"Ain't that great," Frankie beamed. "Jane and Kate." His voice was sing-songy. Jane had never found him more annoying.
"Yes," Maura shook herself slightly, as if breaking a trance. "That's wonderful. If you'll excuse me…"
She turned to go before either of them could protest.
Frankie watched her retreating form.
"Did I uh," he scratched the back of his head. "Did I say something wrong?"
Jane followed Maura's back with her eyes until the other woman disappeared.
"No," she answered Frankie absently. "You didn't do anything. We're just having a bit of a… rough patch."
"Oh," Frankie sounded uncertain. "Ok. I gotta get back to work. I'll see you later. Have fun tonight!"
"Thanks," Jane replied. "I'll see you later. Be safe out there."
She stood there momentarily, debating, before she found herself following after Maura.
Her courage waned with each step towards the morgue but she forged on anyways. She couldn't just let it happen this way.
Maura was in her office and Jane knocked and entered in a single motion.
"Hi," she greeted. "Can we talk for a minute?"
She took a seat across from Maura without waiting for a response.
Maura looked slightly annoyed and more than a little surprised.
"Um," she turned her attention from the computer screen. "What can I do for you?"
"You can cut it out," Jane blurted.
"Sorry?" Maura raised a single eyebrow.
"Cut it out," Jane repeated, softer. "Stop being… weird. Go back to being my best friend. I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong, and if you want to tell me what it was then I will apologize more specifically. But barring that, I just can't live like this. I want my best friend back. I like having you in my life. I like being able to tell you everything. I love you. I miss you. So cut it out."
Maura's lower lip trembled.
Jane leaned forwards slightly, wanting nothing more than to comfort her friend.
"Talk to me," Jane soothed. "Please."
"Not here," Maura deflected.
Jane opened her mouth to argue.
"We could get a drink," she suggested. "Talk there. I just don't want to talk in my office."
Jane studied Maura closely, tried to discern if this was yet another brush off. But there was honestly in Maura's weary features.
"Tomorrow night?" Jane asked. "Does that work for you?"
Maura nodded.
"Tomorrow night is fine," she agreed.
"Great," Jane stood. "I look forward to spending some time with you."
Maura nodded again.
"Me too," she said. Not quite a lie, but it lacked conviction. "Have fun on your-"
She didn't finish the thought, her voice giving out.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she said instead.
"Tomorrow," Jane agreed. "Sounds good. Have a nice night."
She fled before Maura could change her mind, or before any of her traitorous thoughts turned into actions or words.