Jane's dreams were haunted by thoughts of Maura.
She dreamt that Maura loved her back. That they become a stereotypical, Massachusetts gay couple with double strollers and little yappy dogs. That they got married on the Cape and Jane was barefoot (it was part of how she knew it was a dream- Maura would never let her get married without shoes on). That when she crawled into bed after days of not sleeping she knew she was home because she rolled into Maura's embrace.
It was endlessly upsetting.
She should be dreaming of Kate.
Kate was wonderful.
Jane felt a genuine, budding affection for the other woman. She liked Kate. A lot.
She was looking forward to their next date. To getting to know Kate better. To finding out if Kate was someone she could lean on, look to, learn to love.
But things with Maura were getting increasingly messy, confusing.
Had it been anyone else, Jane would have thought Maura was attracted to her.
Except… it was Maura.
Maura who always, for better or for worse, said exactly what she was thinking. Maura who had no filter between her brain and her mouth. Maura who talked casually about sex and dating and death and diseases and sometimes did it all at one time. Maura who had never been shy about what she wanted when it came to romance, and pursued it without reservation.
Surely Maura would have said something- anything, about being attracted to women. Said something about being gay or bisexual or queer or even just said something about being attracted to Jane.
But she never had.
So Jane settled on another, much more plausible explanation.
Maura was afraid of losing her and was acting out.
It wasn't a very flattering theory, but it fit.
Maura had indeed admitted to being afraid of losing Jane. Trying to pull her close was totally normal. Trying to push her away was totally normal. Getting lost and confused in the process made complete sense.
Maura was hurt and mixed up and lost and it was coming out in this weird way that Jane was just reading too much into.
The more she thought about it, the more the pieces fit.
So Jane tried to push her worry to the back of her mind and focus on acting normal towards Maura. If she kept acting normal, showed Maura that nothing had to change, then maybe eventually Maura would relax and go back to normal too.
When Kate picked Jane up at work, Jane was nervous for the scrutiny it might draw. But no one seemed to notice, let alone care.
There were no raised eyebrows, no insulting comments, no sideways glances, no muffled insults.
Jane breathed a sigh of relief. She introduced Frost to Kate, secretly glad she seemed impervious to his undeniable charm. When Jane saw Angela peeking around the corner, she rushed Kate out of the precinct.
It was way too early for that.
They ate dinner at a casual pub that Kate knew, tucked off in an out of the way street downtown. The conversation was easy and natural, and Jane was reminded again just how much she liked Kate.
After dinner they decided to take a walk. When Kate slipped her hand into Jane's and looked at her with questioning eyes, silently seeking approval, Jane squeezed her hand and kissed her softly.
Kate talked about her work, her family, what she liked about Boston. She was charming and hilarious and she spent just as much time prying details from Jane about her own life as she did regaling Jane with her stories.
Jane found herself opening up, sharing. It was freeing.
They went back to Kate's apartment and Jane felt nerves tangle in the pit of her stomach.
She and Kate made out on the couch, hands roaming, mouths hungry.
She didn't think of Maura at all.
But when Kate asked if she wanted to move to the bedroom, Jane found that she couldn't.
They talked about it in hushed tones and Kate smiled softly, nodded, but there was a darkness in her eyes that weighed her smile down.
They fell asleep in a tangle of limbs on Kate's couch while watching T.V. and Jane found that when she closed her eyes, Kate's weight against her was especially comforting.
When Jane's phone rang in the middle of the night, Kate was draped across her, dead asleep. Jane grabbed absently at her phone without opening her eyes. Kate didn't stir.
"Ello?" Jane rasped.
"Jane Rizzoli?" a gruff, unfamiliar voice greeted her.
"Yeah?" Jane replied, every muscle in her body instantly tense. She glanced at the clock.
2 a.m.
"This is Morgan," the voice said. "I work at The Good Life."
One of Maura's favorite haunts.
"Is everything ok?" Jane asked. Fear balled in the pit of her stomach and tensed every muscle in her body.
"Yeah," Morgan hesitated. "Your friend, Maura Isles, she's here and I think someone should pick her up. I tried to suggest she get a cab but she was pretty resistant. I didn't wanna call the cops because she's not really bothering anyone but we're closing up down here… Anyway, you were number one on her speed dial. Should I call someone else?"
"No," Jane rolled Kate gently to the side. "I'll be there soon. Thanks."
"Everythin' ok?" Kate mumbled, eyes fluttering open to watch Jane gather her things rapidly in the dark.
"I gotta go help a friend," Jane responded, shoving her phone and keys into her pockets. Adrenaline from the initial panic coursed through her, mixing with anger and frustration.
"Need help?" Kate offered.
Jane smiled, leaning over to kiss Kate softly on the lips.
"I got this," Jane assured her. "But thanks."
"You coming back?" Kate asked.
"I don't think so," Jane responded. "But I'll call you tomorrow."
"Ok," Kate mumbled, cuddling down against the chill of the room. "Sounds good."
Jane draped a throw across Kate and kissed the other woman on the forehead impulsively before slipping out of the apartment.
Kate lived close to the Good Life and Jane jogged there in less than ten minutes, her legs burning from the pace so soon after being asleep. She burst inside warring between fury and worry.
She had no trouble spotting Maura, the lone patron at the bar at closing time on a weeknight. Resting her head on the bar over crossed arms, she looked like she might be asleep.
The bartender turned at Jane's presence.
"I'm Jane Rizzoli," Jane introduced herself. "Morgan called me."
"I'm Morgan," the young man smiled grimly. "Thanks for coming. I didn't realize she was so drunk or I never woulda kept serving her."
"It's really not your fault," Jane smiled wryly. "Thanks for calling me instead of the cops."
"I've seen her in here before," Morgan shrugged. "She always tips well, treats people well. I'm glad you could come down."
Maura's head lifted slowly from the bar, her eyes squinting in the fully-lit room.
"Jane?" she asked, voice surprisingly clear. "Where are you from?"
Jane approached Maura, shoving down the welling frustration.
"I'm here to take you home," Jane put a hand on Maura's arm, gently pulling her into a standing position. She turned to Morgan who was busy wiping down the opposite end of the bar. "She all paid up?"
"Yeah," Morgan nodded. "She's good."
Jane fished ten dollars out of her wallet and tossed it on the bar, pulling a wobbling and silent Maura out the front door.
"I'm not leaving," Maura insisted when they got outside. Jane put her coat around Maura's shoulders, wondering where the hell the M.E. had left her overpriced outerwear.
"They're closing," Jane replied. "It's time to go. Did you drive here?"
"Duh," Maura snorted. "Did you fly here?"
"I walked," Jane scanned the area around them for Maura's car. She slung an arm around Maura's waist and directed them towards the car when she spotted it.
"You walked?" Maura asked, stopping. They jerked dramatically and Jane took a deep breath to quell her rising frustration.
"Yes, Maura," Jane replied. "I walked. Now can we please just get in your car? It's freezing!"
"Why did you walk?" Maura pressed. "We're so far from your apartment. You would have had to run. Also, you really should wear a coat this time of year."
"I wasn't at my apartment," Jane gritted, not bothering to point out that Maura was currently wearing her coat and should have directed the advice at herself. She grabbed Maura's purse and fished through it for her keys.
"Where were you?" Maura scrunched her face, drunkenly scrutinizing Jane.
"I was out," Jane deflected, unlocking the passenger door and none too gently depositing Maura into the seat. She fastened her friend's seatbelt and then made her way to the driver's side, sliding in behind the wheel.
Jane pulled the car out onto the road and Maura turned to face her. She had never been more thankful that Boston was a relatively small city. Maura would be home in no time and Jane could go back to sleep for a few more hours before work.
"You were on a date," Maura practically pouted. "With Kate." She spit the name with disdain.
"So what?" Jane snapped. "What business is it of yours?"
"It's a hundred percent my buzz-ness," Maura slurred. "It's all my business. You're my business."
"Wrong," Jane snorted. "It's not your business at all. Who I sleep with is between me and the person I'm fucking."
Maura swallowed audibly.
Jane didn't bother to clarify the statement- so what if they hadn't slept together yet? That was none of Maura's concern.
"I'm your," Maura's voice dropped. She cleared her throat. "I'm your best friend. We're best friends. You're my business."
"You're drunk," Jane retorted. "And acting crazy. You're not even going to remember this in the morning. And you know what's funny? This is the most time we've spent together in weeks outside of work. God, you make me crazy sometimes."
They turned onto Maura's street and Jane was glad. She wasn't sure how much more of drunk Maura she could take before she snapped and said something she would regret.
"Well you were too busy solving a murder to have dinner with me," Maura accused. "And then you had to go kiss that stupid girl who passed out on the T! Hasn't she heard of H2O? You don't have to be a genius to know that the danger of dehydration greatly increases when the temperature outside exceeds comfortable ranges…"
"I'm sorry that a murder interrupted our plans," Jane exclaimed, sarcasm dripping from every word. "And I'm sorry that I'm trying to have a love life. You're the one who is always telling me about how I need to have sex! Well, now I'm dating someone great and you're mad at me! I can't win with you!"
"Because you're supposed to be dating me!" Maura yelled.
The words took a minute to filter through Jane's brain and she almost hit Maura's mailbox as they pulled into the driveway.
She put the car in park and chanced a glance at Maura who was pointedly looking out the passenger window, obscuring her face from Jane's eyes.
"What?" Jane croaked.
"Forget it," Maura mumbled. She opened the passenger door and tried to get out.
"Seatbelt," Jane gritted.
Maura unfastened her seatbelt indignantly and Jane turned the car off, making her way up to the front door.
At the door, she unlocked and opened it but did not step inside. Maura didn't enter either. Instead, she turned to face Jane. She wobbled slightly and then steadied herself.
"I don't like you dating Kate," she whispered, her words fanning Jane's lips.
Jane suddenly noticed how close Maura was standing.
"Well, I'm sorry," Jane responded. "That's not really up to you."
"It should be," Maura rasped. "Since you're in love with me."
Jane clenched her jaw so tightly her teeth hurt. She wouldn't rise to the bait. She wouldn't have this discussion with a blackout-drunk Maura Isles while they both nearly froze to death on her front step. She wouldn't do this. She couldn't.
"You are," Maura breathed. "Aren't you?"
"Maura," Jane's tone was a warning. A threat.
"Why didn't you ever say anything?"
Jane was surprised at the question. At the way the fight seemed to have gone out of Maura, leaving her soft and vulnerable. Hurt.
"What was I supposed to say?" Jane shrugged, avoiding Maura's gaze.
"I think most people just say, I love you," Maura suggested softly.
"You're my best friend," Jane deflected. "It was never going to be that simple."
"What did you think would happen?" Maura asked. She was leaning dangerously close, her voice a whisper of air between them.
"I don't know, Maura," Jane leaned back. "But the thing is, I want to be in love with someone who is in love with me too. So I need you to let me have that."
Maura's brow knit in confusion.
"How am I stopping you from having that?" she inquired.
"Are you serious?" Jane scoffed. "This. This right here. Tonight. All of it. This is making me crazy. It's stopping me from having the normal, healthy relationship I deserve."
"I'm not trying," Maura licked her lips, swayed unsteadily. "I'm not trying to stop you from having that. I'm, I'm trying… I'm trying to tell you something. I'm trying to tell you something big, here, Jane Rizzoli. And you- you are not listening."
Maura pointed her finger accusatorily at Jane as she spoke, jabbing her in the chest with surprising force given her intoxication.
"You are not listening to me," she continued. "Because I am trying to tell you the important thing. About us. Do you understand?"
"Not at all," Jane shook her head. "I think it's time for you to go to bed."
"No," Maura stamped her foot, nearly toppled over. Jane reached out to catch her. When Maura was upright again, she violently shook off Jane's help. "I'm not going to bed until you understand."
"Well, you aren't really in the place to be giving speeches right now Maura," Jane sighed. "So maybe we could table this for another time when it's not the middle of the night and you're not drunk and I'm not freezing my ass off."
"It's not a spee- it's not a speech," Maura slurred. "It's a declaration."
"Well, declare it another time," Jane suggested forlornly.
And then Maura was kissing her. Sloppily, drunkenly.
Jane pulled back, stunned.
Her entire being screamed to kiss Maura back. To wrap her arms around her and imprint every second of this in her memory.
"Whoa," she exclaimed. "Take it easy."
It was physically painful to extricate herself from Maura's touch.
"I'm tired of taking it easy," Maura exclaimed. "I want you to finally see what I'm telling you. What has been in front of you the whole time! I love you, stupid!"
Jane rocked unsteadily, suddenly feeling drunk herself. But she was stone cold sober and freezing and exhausted and confused and suddenly nothing in the world made sense.
"Maura," Jane floundered. "Let's just talk about this in the morning. Please."
"I'm not going to forget," Maura met Jane's eyes unflinchingly. "It's out there now and you can try to ignore it but I'm not going to anymore. I love you and you love me and it doesn't get any simpler than that."
"Not one thing about this is simple," Jane rasped.
"Well, simplify it," Maura breathed. "Date me. Be in love with me. Love me."
"Maura," Jane repeated. "If I promise not to ignore this, will you let us table it until a better time?"
Maura looked ready to argue, to fight, maybe even to kiss her again.
Jane couldn't keep the pain off her face. Could barely stand the gut-wrenching anguish coursing through her. Of the many ways she had imagined declaring her love for Maura Isles, this had never occurred to her as one of the possibilities. It broke her heart a little bit.
Like she had lost something.
Something important.
Something monumental.
She had dreamt of telling Maura of her love and it had always been something that made the earth stop spinning, made the sun stop shining, made gravity stop weighing them down.
It had been a heated confession of her deepest thoughts, her innermost desires, her biggest secrets.
It had not, in any permutation, involved drunkenness, being involved with another woman, standing outside in freezing weather, or not getting to say the words, I love you.
"Ok," Maura conceded. "Fine."
Jane breathed a sigh of relief.
Without waiting, Maura turned to go inside her home and shut the door in Jane's face.
Jane stood stock still for a minute in the freezing cold before realizing she was stranded at Maura's house. She debated knocking, asking to borrow the car, something.
Instead, calling a cab, she sat on the frozen curb to wait.
Which, in the end, was fitting.
With Maura, for Maura, Jane was always waiting.
Waiting.
Maybe she would always just be… waiting.