She hasn't cleaned up the shards of ceramic or the splattered water. The rag hangs in her hand as she stares at the mess around her. She's thankful for the counter at her back, holding her up as her legs tremble.
No.
It has to be a dream. This whole mess has to be a really bad dream. He'll wake her up soon, scattered kisses along her arm up to her lips, tickling her bare skin.
So she closes her eyes and prays for just a minute.
The only response is the sharp kick of the baby. It pulls her back to reality, to the broken mug on the kitchen floor.
To the fact that she'll never really feel his kisses again.
She slides down the side of the counter, gathering up the pieces of the cup. She thought it was silly when he gave it to her. He had presented it to her one morning, a bright red bow around the handle. A two week anniversary present, he had declared. Much better than that horrid tie Jenny had bought Ryan for theirs. So she brought it to the precinct, watching him smile each time that she used it instead of the plain black one from the break room.
But then he wasn't there anymore and it didn't feel right and she tucked it into her bag one night to bring it back home. She couldn't have coffee, not with the baby, but she used it for soup, for juice in the morning.
Her finger traces over the jagged edge of one of the pieces, using her other hand to wipe at the run-away tears.
It's just a coffee mug.
But it wasn't. It was a part of him.
She sweeps the pieces into a neat pile, using the dustpan to transfer them into one of the unused Tupperware containers. She can't throw it away. Once she's back on her feet, the rag tossed over the tiny puddles of water, she cradles the container of broken shards against her chest on the walk back toward their bedroom.
The clear Tupperware goes next to their wedding photo, right behind the little bowl of his things that she still finds around the loft and the precinct. His favorite pen and a collection of notes to her and their first ultrasound, creased from him showing everyone who would listen, and their list of possible names and his wedding band.