Chapter 18:

The Ambiguous Loss of Hanna Marin

"Okay, remind me to never become a mom, ever." Spencer mumbled, scrubbing hard at the leftover pieces of turkey grease that had hardened over the surface of the pan.

Veronica laughed and turned towards her daughter from the island counter, where she was busily packing cranberry sauce and peas into Ziploc Tupperware. "It just takes practice, Spencer. Melissa picked it up just fine."

Spencer snorted, "She might be able to spout that crap to you, but only last week she had to call me because she set fire to her microwave."

"Well, you'll take to it once you're a mom. I promise you." Veronica smiled and squeezed her daughter's shoulder.

Spencer grinned and turned back to the sink, continuing the scrub away at the pan, cursing under her breath when the force of her grip broke off yet another one of her acrylic nails.

"You know, you are actually going to be a great mom someday, Spencer." She felt her mother's hand on her hair, pulling it absently over her shoulder.

Spencer smiled a little bit to herself, "You so sure about that? I don't exactly have an overwhelming sense of patience…"

"Yeah well, neither did I, at the time."

"Who says you do now?" Spencer teased, giggling as she set down the sponge, giving up and wiping her hands dry with a rag.

"Hey." Veronica warned, though she laughed, too.

Spencer turned back to her mother, leaning back against the countertop. "But I mean it. I'm scared I won't know what to do. I'm scared I'll like…I don't know, trip while holding the baby or accidently put vodka in their bottle instead of milk."

Veronica laughed, "Well, I doubt anything will be that extreme…" She smiled and pulled Spencer into a hug. When they broke apart, she put an arm around her daughter and they both peered through the window of the back door at Toby and Peter, who were outside, pointing to pieces of the yard that needed to be fixed. Spencer was sure that her father was prattling about the old tree stump that caused not only a health risk, but made their backyard extremely hideous, and Toby was insisting that he would be able fix in no time for him. Odd small talk that boys were just so fond of nowadays.

Veronica snorted and laughed, "Well, there they go, our two little boys."

"They grow up so fast…" Spencer teased, playing along with it. They both giggled and then began to package up the leftover dessert.

"That pudding was great, Mom." Spencer said as she placed the stack of Tupperware in the fridge.

"Thanks. I think dinner went well, don't you?"

"Yeah." Spencer smiled. "Yeah, it was…a great Thanksgiving. It was so nice of you to invite us."

"Well, you're my daughter. What do you expect?" Veronica replied. "It's just a bummer Jason couldn't come."

"Yeah well, he did say it was his 'duty' to go see Jenna in her 'time of need…'" Spencer said cynically, scowling as she shifted the milk on the shelf to make room for the leftover brownies. "Even though I doubt Jenna is seeing anyone right now…"

"And Wren and Melissa seemed to be busy as well." Veronica sighed. "I'm worried about her."

"Me too." Spencer responded honesty. "But if I start to think about it too much, I'll have a hyperventilation attack."

Veronica snorted, shaking her head. "Did she tell Wren yet?"

"Well, we haven't seen any tornados on the news, so I'm guessing that can of worms is still closed."

Veronica laughed again and then sighed. "When is she going to tell him?"

"I don't know." Spencer shrugged, "But how long can she hide a thing like this?"

"Not long. It's already been a month. Pretty soon she'll start showing."

"I know. Part of me keeps feeling like I'm going to wake up and…see her on the news…like she ran away or…maybe found a new identity. Like…I don't know, Tess Mia Nolling-Kings, or something like that…"

"You really think Melissa would be careful enough to anagram her own name…?" Veronica replied, snickering.

"Well, this is Melissa we're talking about. She's even more anal than me."

"Well, what would a Hastings girl be if not anal?" Veronica replied, and Spencer laughed. "Okay, I know that sounded weird but…"

"Yeah, it did…" Spencer giggled. "But I guess that's just…who you raised us to be."

"I guess it is." Veronica shrugged, "So, how have things been with school? And…well, everything else?"

"Great." Spencer smiled, keeping it vague. She didn't exactly feel like fessing up to wanting to propose to Toby to her mother in the middle of their kitchen. And of course, it wouldn't be the first time she'd skirted around the truth. After all, if Spencer did always tell the whole story, she would probably be answering her mother's question in a way that might not exactly put her at ease. 'Oh you want to know how I'm doing? Oh, marvelous! Yes, school is great, even though my sister is pregnant with a secret love child. But see my boyfriend out there? Yeah, he's been making things a lot better for me. In fact, just a few weeks ago we had sex right in front of that fireplace over there. And honestly, I am so giddy to marry him that I'm just going to bypass the whole traditional shit entirely and propose to him myself. But enough about me. How's your life?'

Yeah, keeping secrets from Veronica was sometimes for her own good.

"You know, Spencer, I don't say this enough but…I'm really glad that you found someone like Toby." Veronica said earnestly, leaning her palms against the kitchen island. "I mean, I know when you were little, I always pushed for you to look for someone who was a lawyer, or a doctor, or something like that, but…I really am glad that you and Toby were able to make what you had work. It feels like he's the only thing that's kept you grounded and centered all these years."

"Yeah well, if my heart was a compass, he'd be north, I guess." Spencer said absently, before closing her eyes and shaking her head, "Okay, I did not just say that."

Veronica laughed. "I think you did. Oh, wait, I've got one…" She cleared her throat, "If your heart was a house, he'd be home. No, no! If your – "

"Alright, alright that's enough!" Spencer laughed, batting her hands in front of her as if to push the comments away.

Veronica smiled at her daughter, "Well, again, I hope that you two can keep up what you have. Because it's actually one of the most real relationships I've seen in a while."

"Thanks, Mom. That means everything to me. It really does."

The halls of Radley reeked of Clorox and mildew, Spencer thought as she scrunched up her nose. She held her purse close to her chest, pressing her face hard against the glass window of the dark-painted door, hoping that the impact might in fact get Jenna's attention. But, nevertheless, the stoic brunette still sat in her wooden chair, back to Spencer, staring out her barred window and bulletproof glass into the outside world.

"Jenna?" Spencer tried again, wondering if her voice could even be heard through the thickness of the door. "Jenna?" She tapped lightly on the glass, but it triggered no response on Jenna's end. She sighed, giving up and letting her palms fall back onto her thighs. She stepped back from the door and shook her head, pacing around in a circle in the hallway for a moment. She checked her watch once more, and then looked back to the door. It was no use. Jenna wouldn't see her. She didn't want to talk about what happened. She wanted to pretend that it didn't exist. That the elephant in the room was nothing but a cloud of air.

Spencer sighed. She had to talk to Jenna, at some point. Find out why she did what she did. What caused her such angst that she felt like she had no way out. She tugged out her cell phone, preparing a new text to Toby that she was on her way home.

"Spencer? Spencer Hastings?" A soft, familiar voice behind her made Spencer jump like a deer, sending her phone clattering to the floor, the backing and battery falling out and skidding in opposite directions.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you…" The kind voice said, and she was then face-to-face with someone she hadn't seen – or even expected to see – in over a year.

"Will? Will Lovat?" Spencer furrowed her eyebrows.

Yeah, it was Will alright. Of course, it was nearly impossible to tell, given the fact that the last time Spencer – or anyone in Rosewood – had seen him, he was swathed in a black leather jacket, tightly laced combat boots, and scruffy hair that dropped to his shoulders. Now, he stood before her in a clean white t-shirt, a short, fresh haircut, dark wash jeans, some black sneakers, and a pair of square-rimmed glasses. The only thing that distinguished him as truly Will Lovat, the brother to now-dead Gracie Lovat, were his bright green eyes, equipped with a gaze that cut like fierce emeralds.

"Yeah," Will chuckled, "shocking, huh? I get that confused look a lot."

"What are you…doing back in Rosewood?" Spencer asked curiously, knitting her brows. And in Radley.

"Well, I moved into an apartment back here, to start work. I mean, I pretty much promised myself I'd never set foot back in this town after Gracie died but…I got some help in Virginia and they told me to come back to where my deepest roots were. So, naturally, I turned up here."

"Wait, help? Like…like a shrink?"

"Psychiatrist, yes. He said that it would be good for me to help out at places where they needed it. Connect with the world again. And I thought, well, why not Radley? If I can help some people here steer away from the road that Gracie went down…well, then I'd feel like I'm getting my business done."

Spencer nodded, "That's very…generous of you…"

"Well, I just do what feels right, I guess." Will shrugged, "I had to go through a lot of change to get there, but…once I peeled back the layers, it felt meant to be, you know?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I do. So, are you coming back to Hollis then, or…?"

"Me? Nah. Not for a while anyway. College isn't for me right now. Maybe in a few years. Who knows where they'll take me?" Will replied. They began to idly walk down the hall, towards the staircase. "So, what about you? How's school? Are you still seeing that guy….?"

"Toby? Yeah, yeah. I am. And school's fine. Just…like old times, I guess. I'm planning Aria Montgomery's wedding, though." Spencer replied.

"Really? No kidding? Her and that Fitz guy are finally tying the knot?"

"Seems so. Funny how things work out, huh?"

"Definitely." Will agreed. Once they reached the staircase, he checked his watch, "Oh hey, I have to run – a patient down in the second floor needs her meds. But hey, can I call you? Try to catch up?"

"Uh, sure." Why not? What the heck.

"Here." Will pulled a pen out of his back pocket and began to write his number on her palm in deep violet ink. "I'd love to have lunch with you sometime. Maybe meet up back here. Hey, uh, why are you today in Radley, anyway?"

"Uhm, to see Jenna…Jenna Marshall." Spencer replied, pointing her finger down the hall towards the door.

"Ah. Yeah, I thought I saw her name on the patients list. What happened with her?"

"Well, it's kind of a long story. I'd tell you if we had more time but…maybe we'll meet for coffee later this week?"

"Yeah. Yeah, sure. Sounds good."

"Great. Bye, Will. Nice seeing you again."

"You too, Spencer. You, too."

"I stood out there for twenty minutes, practically banging on the door and still nothing. Nothing! She didn't even turn her freaking head!" Spencer exclaimed, banging her palms on the kitchen table.

"Hey, hey easy…" Toby said, setting a bowl of her favorite soup in front of her. "Hot soup leads to burning. Let's not have a repeat of my twenty-first birthday."

"Yeah, well, it wasn't my idea to start boiling Top Ramen on your stove at two in the morning."

"Yeah, I still don't exactly know how Caleb thought of that one…but then again, after drinks, none of us were exactly stable and ready to make smart decisions."

"Oh yeah, don't even get me started on that hangover the next day."

"Oh, don't worry, I won't. Remember, I still have the hole in my wall from where you through one of your heels at me for 'spreading the jam too loudly.'"

"Don't test me when I'm hung over. Unless you're on a suicide mission."

"Dooly noted." Toby smiled crookedly, "But anyway. If she didn't look at you, it's probably because she didn't want to. She's probably ashamed, Spence. Wouldn't you be?"

"I guess." Spencer shrugged, "I just wish she'd let me speak with her. I want to help her. Find out what's been going on."

"Well, you aren't going to figure that out by standing outside her door and looming over her like a social worker." Toby replied, taking a sip of the water he had poured himself.

"I know. But what else can I do?"

"Wait, I guess."

"Ugh. I hate waiting. Have I mentioned that I'm not exactly patient?"

"No, but you've proved it numerous times." Toby teased, ruffling her hair. "Patience is a virtue, Miss Hastings. Sometimes the best things – "

"Are worth the wait. Yeah, I know. You've said that, oh, I don't know, nine billion times." Spencer rolled her eyes, "But what about the things that you want right away? Shouldn't you take action and just get them before something else gets in the way?"

"Well, I guess if the circumstances are – "

"And what if you suddenly feel like you've been waiting forever, and it just feels like it needs to happen?" Spencer interrupted, on a roll now, hardly even paying attention to Toby's words.

Toby was silent for a beat. "I get the feeling we aren't talking about Jenna anymore." He said finally, his eyes addressing her warily. He put his hand over hers on the table's surface, "What's going on, Spence? Did something happen at Radley? With your family?"

Spencer sighed. "It's nothing. Just…something I've been struggling with a bit. In my head."

"Well, what is it?"

Spencer opened her mouth to say…well, she wasn't quite sure what, but thankfully a sharp knock on the front door saved her. "Oh, uh, I'll get it." She said, getting up from the table, her hand slipping out of Toby's.

She crossed through the living room and reached the door, pulling open the knob. On the other side, in the dark, cold November night, was Hanna, her eyes rimmed with red, her face shiny with shed tears. She sniffled and before a concerned Spencer could ask what happened, she threw her arms around her, burying her face in her shoulder, and beginning to sob. Spencer automatically put a hand on the back of Hanna's head, wrapping her other arm around her back. "Han, Han!" She said urgently, while Hanna's body shook, wracked with sobs, gasping for breath. "What happened? Are you alright?"

Hanna didn't answer, just cried and cried, long and hard, in the doorway of Toby's apartment. Spencer thought she heard Toby's footsteps behind her, and she turned her head to peer over her shoulder, spotting him in the living room. He raised his eyebrows, his eyes questioning her, and she motioned with her head for him to go to his room, and let her deal with it.

Once Toby was down the hall, Spencer pulled back, pushing sopping wet strands of Hanna's short blonde curls away from her cheeks. "Han, Han, shh…shh…it's okay. It's okay." She soothed, looking her seriously in the eyes. "Tell me what happened."

Once she got enough breath, Hanna replied, "C-Caleb le-e-ft me." She hiccupped, her voice breaking on the last word, and her breath was swallowed up by sobs once more. Spencer knit her eyebrows and pulled Hanna into the apartment, shutting the door behind her. She led her over to the couch, Hanna stumbling over the coffee table legs, and safely set her down. Hanna immediately grabbed for one of the couch pillows Spencer had given Toby as a housewarming gift, pressing her face into it and letting out a few more sobs. Spencer sat quietly, rubbing her back and holding her hand while she cried, waiting for the worst of it to subside. Once Hanna had cried herself out and regained her breathing, she looked up at Spencer, wiping at her nose with her free hand. Her thick mascara had smeared across the surface of the pillow, and now stuck to Hanna's face in long, sticky streams of inky black, rimmed beneath her eyes.

"Why did you and Caleb break up?" Spencer asked carefully once she was sure Hanna was spent.

Hanna took a deep breath and sniffed a few times, "It was…God, I can't even pinpoint it onto one specific thing. It was…it was everything. It's like…all these walls that we kept putting up just came falling down on us and…it became too much."

"When did it start?"

"Well, our worst fight was tonight. It was the one that just cut the cord. I mean…I didn't tell you guys this because I thought it would blow over, but we've been fighting a lot for the past…couple of weeks."

"Did it have anything to do with Thanksgiving?"

"No. Not really. I mean, everything went well. Dinner was good, I got along with his mom and stepdad…but that wasn't what broke us. I mean, I guess I could say it started last month when I found a box of one of his ex's things in his storage unit. It was from way before we were together, like, when he was sixteen, but it made me mad and suspicious that he still had it." Hanna said thickly, her eyes on her hands, which were nervously kneading the pillow, "When I confronted him about it, we had a little bit of a fight, but after it was over, I realized that I had blown it wildly out of proportion. But then a week later, I saw that she had friended him on Facebook. I knew that he didn't have feelings for her or anyone else anymore, but it just…upset me that he didn't tell me those kinds of things. One thing led to another and it felt like there was…always something we were fighting about. Whether it be how much money of his that I spent at Bloomie's, or that I would forget to do the things he asked me to, or that he didn't tell me everything and…I started to wonder if I ever really knew him at all. Tonight…I went to his apartment to have dinner, and I told him how I felt. Of course, he told me that my feelings were completely out of proportion and that he didn't feel like he kept things from me. I forget who started yelling first. But the worst part was that he told me that his mom wanted him to move back to Montecito with them. He told me that he didn't want to go at first, but then once our fight got going…I actually told him that I would…" Spencer could see more tears welling up in her eyes. "I would rather see him go."

"Hanna…you didn't mean that…" Spencer said softly, stroking her hair.

"No, of course not! But once I said it…I couldn't un-say it. I actually told him that I wanted him to go away. He just…stood there and looked at me and the hurt in his eyes…" Hanna sniffled and shook her head. "I couldn't stand to be there a second longer. I felt like the distance between us had just gotten so much larger in that moment. That we didn't really know each other at all. Remember…remember that song you always played when you were sad? That one about the clowns? By that girl with the beak nose?"

"'Send in the Clowns?' By Barbra Streisand?"

"Yeah. That song was how I felt. That we just…were so far away from each other. And in a way, I feel like it was more than what we were fighting about. Not just the little things, but…the fights felt worse than they were. And I left him standing in that room and…I held it all in until I got in my car. And then…after I banged my head against the steering wheel a few times…I just starting crying. I couldn't stop. And then, I came here. Because I had no one else to go to. And…I needed you, Spence."

Spencer nodded. She pulled Hanna into a hug and rubbed her back, "It's okay…" She said softly. When she pulled back, she touched a hand to her cheek, "Hanna, are you sure you can't go talk to him? Take it back? I'm sure he knows you didn't mean it."

Hanna sniffled, rubbing her red nose, shaking her head, "No, no. I said it. And everything is too messed up right now. And for all I know, my comment might make him actually move to Montecito. I mean, who wouldn't? Who wouldn't rather be with their parents in beautiful California rather than dumpy old Rosewood with their angry, spiteful girlfriend?"

"No, no, don't say that. Caleb loves you, Hanna. He does. He still does, I bet. It doesn't mean it's over, just because you're fighting."

Hanna shrugged, "I messed up big time, Spence. The things that I said in that apartment tonight…I can never take them back. And they were harsh enough to send me to hell forever."

"Hanna…" Spencer shook her head. "You're going to be okay. Nothing you said can affect that. You will both be alright. I promise you. Even if…even if you don't end up working this out after all, you'll both be fine. People can grow and move on. But whatever happens…will happen. Right now, you just need time to breathe." She said. "You can stay here tonight, though. I want you to."

"What? Why? You don't have to do that for me, Spence." Hanna shook her head, her voice still thick.

"Because last time you and Caleb broke up last year, I found you hammered drunk, dancing around your apartment with a bottle of vodka to Shakira. And then you fell onto your couch and started crying so hard I thought you were having an epileptic fit." Spencer said, smiling bittersweetly. She took Hanna's hand, "So stay here tonight."

Hanna shrugged and then eventually nodded, and her gaze caught on something over Spencer's shoulder. When Spencer followed her line of sight, she saw Toby standing in the hallway behind them, his hands in his pockets, "Hey, Han." He said softly, empathetically. "You alright?"

"Uhm, yeah." Hanna sniffed again and tried to put on a brave smile for Toby, "I'll be fine." She said. But her face crumpled and she put a palm to her forehead, in an attempt to hide her tears.

Spencer stood up, walking towards Toby. Hanna fell onto her side on the couch behind her, curling into herself.

"Can she stay here tonight?" Spencer whispered to Toby. "She and Caleb had a falling out and…it looks like they're over right now."

Toby looked over at Hanna and then back at Spencer, "You don't trust her to drive home?"

"Nope."

"Me neither." Toby said, looking over Spencer's shoulder to Hanna once more. "Should we give her the bed? I can sleep on the armchair if you're okay with the couch."

Spencer turned back to look at Hanna, her arms crossed. The poor broken-hearted blonde was curled into a fetal position, sniffling softly, soaking the cushions with her tears, her blonde curls covering her face. Spencer shook her head, "No, I don't think I can get her to her feet right now. She's tired, Toby. And I know how it feels to hurt that bad."

Toby nodded, "Alright. I guess we'll just bring her a blanket, then." He decided. He took another long look at Hanna, shaking his head as if to say 'poor thing.'

"You go get ready for bed. I'll take care of her." She told him, and he nodded, padding off down the hall to the bathroom.

Spencer went into the kitchen, checking over her shoulder at Hanna every few seconds. She boiled a pot of water and poured it into a mug, setting a bag of chamomile tea into it and watching as the golden coloring saturated the water. She grabbed a blanket from the hall closet and then returned to the living room, where Hanna lay, having not moved an inch. She set down the mug on a coaster on the coffee table and settled the fuzzy blanket on top of her. Hanna snuggled into it, whimpering softly and then letting out a heaving breath, her eyelids still shut. Spencer rubbed her back softly for a moment, sitting on the edge of the couch. Slowly, Hanna stopped shivering and drifted into a peaceful state, half-asleep and groggy, completely spent and overly tired. For the first time in years, Spencer saw the little Hanna she once knew, the one who ate when she was nervous, wore her hair in a ponytail, slept in flannel PJs, and cuddled with a stuffed bear when she was scared. The side of her mouth pulled up into a slight bittersweet half smile and she sighed, getting to her feet. Spencer leaned down and kissed the top of Hanna's head, "Goodnight, Hanna." She whispered softly. She turned and began sauntering slowly down the hallway towards the bedroom, humming softly under her breath:

"But where are the clowns?

Quick, send in the clowns.

Don't bother, they're here…"

Poor haleb :'( I totally didnt write it like this b/c of whats going on on the show - I've had it planned for a while. I hope you all like the new addition to the story - Will Lovat (the brother of the girl who committed suicide that Spencer talked about with Taylor in the hospital). He's going to play an important role in the next few chapters.

Sadly, I don't own Barbra Streisand or her amazing voice. But if you listen to the lyrics of the song, it's kind of the bittersweet vibe I was going for with Haleb in this chapter.

Love all of your ideas and reviews - thank you all so very much! Love you all!

Love Always

- AJ