AN: Sorry for not uploading sooner, as an apologie I wrote a longer chapter, and hope you like it.
To those of you who struggle with a mental illness, I hope you manage to get better soon, because you really deserve to. This story is kinda triggering so don't read it if you're not ready yet.
Thanks for all the lovely reviews, those really made my day :)
You inhale deeply when you hear him saying those words, you feared most in life. They echo in your mind, repeating it over and over again. I have seen your cuts, I have seen your cuts...
The voices yell deafening at you, and you sink deeper down into the plastic chair you are currently sitting on. You must look like a wet bag of sand, but you can't bring yourself to care.
Everything inside you screams at top volume, your heart races unsteady, you can hear the blood rushing through your veins. Worst of all you get that feeling in your arm, your fingers, your jaw, in your whole being. The feeling when your fingers start tickling in a unpleasant way, the chills that run down your spine and make you feel even colder. You can sense the excitement in your veins, and the only thing that seems important, right now is to cut yourself so deep that you won't wake up again. You want to cut yourself so badly, but with John in front of you, you can't do it. So simply, as a compromise you let your fingers trace along the length of your arm, until you can feel the fresh cuts, under the thick fabric of the your hoodie. You slowly start squeezing it, but it doesn't hurt enough, so you just press harder and tighten the grip around your arm.
"Stop it. Now!" John orders in a deep voice, grabs your wrist and pushes the finger away from your left arm. Shocked you look up into his blue eyes, only to see fear and worry hidden inside them. "I'm sor-", you start, trying to apologize for being a huge cunt, but he interrupts you quickly:
"No, don't" a heavy breath escapes his rosy lips,"Don't do that. You hear me? Don't apologize, there's absolutely no reason for it."
You can't bare looking into his truly worried eyes, and sink your eyelids, once again starring at the clean floor, wishing for your heart to stop beating.
After a minute of silence, he continues, now his voice was steady and hushed:" I don't know why you are doing this to yourself... or what made you do this to yourself".
Silence flooded the doctor's office.
"And ,of course, you don't have to tell me, it's alright", he adds, but you still don't react,"I just want you to know that I am here for you. If...When you have the urge to cut yourself, please come to me first, and I will try to help you. Just remember that I am here for you, and I assure you that Sherlock will be there too."
A shaky breath escapes your mouth, you teeth are pressed against each other, trying,but failing immensely at not crying. Big, hot tears stream down your flushed face."John, I..", you start but quickly have to stop talking because you start sobbing uncontrollably. You hide your face with your hands, until John pulls them away and forces you to look into his, from tears sparkling, blue eyes. You look at him with red rimmed eyes and wet cheeks. A look of utter gratefulness plastered on your face. "Why are you so nice to me?", you finally get out of your mouth. John looks at you and a smile appears on his lips, he starts chuckling lightly, after he calmed down a bit he replied:"Because you are a fantastic human being and you deserve to be treated nice, like anybody else does. You deserve to be taken care of. You deserve to be loved"
With that you break down completely and the tears rush down your cheeks like in a waterfall. You let yourself fall out the chair, and sit on your knees, with the palms against your face and John kneeling next to you. He slowly, so you don't get frightened, puts his arm around your back and pulls you into a hug.
You sit like this, clinging to the doctor, like a five year old who re-found his mum.
He just holds you close and says absolutely nothing.
John Watson patiently waits til you get yourself under control again. You let him go, stand up and take him with you.
"Thank you, John. I never thought that anyone would actually care about me...", your voice breaks but you can hold the tears back and continue," You and Sherlock, you are the best things in my life and I only know you for two days. So thank you for being here, and putting up with my shit"
A half smile spreads across your face and John smiles back and takes you into a short hug as he whispers:"Your welcome."
Deep down a voice in the corner of your head tells you:"John's wrong. You don't deserve to be loved, or taken care of, or any affection at all. You are a stupid, fat cutter who deserves to struggle for a whole life long. Because you are even too worthless to kill yourself."