While Sherlock is calling the cab, the three of you walk along the already dark path. A proud smile is spread across Sherlock's face. It is around midnight and you still feel insecure, your heart's beating fast which causes your awful sweating. You try to close your eyes and breath in deep (which one's again didn't work). Eventually the cab turns around the corner and stops in front of you. You get in first and Sherlock and John after you. The warm car heats you up immediately, you hadn't realized your were cold until you could feel the warm air against your freezing face. Sleepily you lay your head against the passenger window and look outside. Your knee is in touch with Sherlock's and you could feel the temperature radiating from his body. You slowly calm down, as your eyelids fall deeper and deeper. Until it is nearly unmanageable to keep them open any longer. Sherlock sees your struggle, gives you a caring smile, and whispers into your ear:"Just go to sleep. I'll wake you when were home."
"Mhm" you silently mumble your content as his hot breath disappears around your earlobe.
He and John chuckle lightly. You fall asleep with the sounds of John and Sherlock arguing.
You find yourself standing in the middle of a bunch of rocks. In front of you flows a huge river, which reflects the shining from the stars and the nearly full moon, in the sky. A cold wind messes up your hair and blows them sharply into your face. Annoyed you swipe the hair out of your mouth and sight, you realize that you are standing completely alone in the middle of a goddamned wood. Around you are all kind of rocks and stones, next to you, huge trees are planted. You pull your sleeve down as the wind continues to blow freezing cold. You're only wearing a worn-out gray long-sleeved pullover, and the dark jeans. While you nervously shift from one foot to the other you feel something hard and unpleasant in the back pockets of your dark denims. Nervously you put your right arm on the pocket and feel the long and smooth form of the object. Slowly but determined you push your fingers into your jeans and feel the wooden thicker part. Sliding your fingers further downwards you sense cold metal against the tips of your fingers. Hesitantly you pull the object out of your back pocket, to feel it properly. Forming your hand into a fist hides the metal part of the object. You breath in again, and it really worked. Your heartbeat slowed down and your breath normalized. With a steady breathing you open the palm and show off the blade in your hand. A unwilling smile spreads across your face, as you realize what you are supposed to do.
This time, your fingers aren't shaking. You are very relaxed and calm. You took another step towards the dark, charming-looking river. Only one step away from what you desire the most. Only on step, and everything will be fine.
You slowly put your arm tight around the grip of the blade, and inhale deeply.
Determined you press your blade into your wrist and cut it deeper than the first time you did it. This time you know better. As the blood flows steadily out of your wrist over the tips of the fingers, down to the ground. The blood turns the light gray stones pitch black. Your Hands exchange the knife and do the same on the other side. You don't feel any pain. The first time you tried to kill yourself it hurt like hell, you could literally feel every drop of blood running down your arm into the sheets of your bed. You actually screamed the other time, not tonight though .
With a last tiny step you stepped over the river. You are well aware that this is going to be the last step you'll ever take. You silently hear someone screaming your name, but you don't care. All you care for is the fall, and the blood on your jeans. Jumping is easy, you feel light, you feel good, happy. Another smile across your lips before you prepare yourself to hit the ice-cold water of the dark river. But that release never came.