Home Again
By Atheniandream
Chapter 5
Two Years Previous:
The Panic.
It had risen in her gradually, every level cranking up another painful notch with a twist and a push against her ability to deal with practically everything to do with her or him or...them. She had watched by, on the sidelines through it all. Lamar's, Scans, check-ups, every little detail, every change, every development. She had been in the loop for it all. And whether she liked it or not, she was always there. Watching, being a witness to their developing life whilst simultaneously on the sidelines of her own.
Of course, Scottie would want to work through the Pregnancy. It was part of her; being a lawyer, it flowed in her veins with a permanency that not even a child could lesson.
No doubt the upcoming child would be just as determined as both of it's parents.
They had foregone knowing the sex; with them both wanting to wait until the birth. She couldn't even speculate as what it would look like. Most likely the little person would grow into a very attractive human being; Harvey's eyes and Scottie's smile, or visa versa. Regardless, that child would grow up with a head on it's shoulders and a will of it's own to succeed. Perhaps she would become an Aunt again. The thought lingered, trying to piece together some semblance of positive thought, when positivity was the last thing on her mind. Not that she let a single person know... Especially Harvey.
So, she would endure the mother of his child. For him. For the job.
She couldn't blame him, nor Scottie for that matter. She had never rubbed it in Donna's face, never pointed out that Harvey was hers and they were together. But she also wasn't that easy to ignore, regardless of her level intentions; always in ear shot, always that 12 foot away, next to Harvey. Standing there, immovable. A new constant in his life that had slowly begun to grate. As if by define causality, during those first six months of change, her and Harvey's own bond had become almost invisible, working like the digital signature it always had been, but now with no outgoing transmission behind it.
They both had other things on their mind, it seemed.
When Harvey had finally forced Dana on maternity leave, things had calmed a little, gravitating back to a more familiar groove of the past. Scottie took the hint from then on, to concentrate on Motherhood rather than bother her boyfriend at every hour of his workday, giving wake for a respite; for smiles to grow back and jokes to return slowly between the two of them; as did the occasional Scotch after work. The tension, would probably always be there, but at least she could have a break from it and pretend in their two person bubble of an office space that they were still what they always had been.
Her eyes caught at the glittering ring on her finger; how it sparkled against the luminescence of her computer screen. She'd only had it on for about six hours. Stuart had proposed to her in the middle of Times Square the night before. It was thoughtful. Romantic. A grand gesture. When she had gotten in this morning, she'd immediately rushed to take it off, putting it in it's box and hiding it in her bag without a the weight of a thought. But as the day had turned sour and Harvey had been absent, she'd thought that it could cheer her up. It suddenly dawned on her that she should have been thinking about that all day. In truth she should have been completely distracted way before the ring was on her finger. And often, she was, from 7.30 at night to 6.30 in the morning.
It were the weekdays, that were the hardest.
And she was happy, generally, in herself. Happy that she'd finally met a man who wanted to settle down, who was honest and dedicated to her; far from the men of her past.
But during the day - it wasn't her life, it was his.
That man with the slicked back hair and cool blue tie.
It was a man whose life she no longer had a say in any more. He didn't come to ask her advice after that time at her apartment. It was the right thing to do, now that he had a long term partner, now that his relationship had changed and gained an extra little person. It had felt odd in the early months of he and Scottie's relationship, watching him navigate it all without involving her.
And the absence of it… of their way.
It was growing on her, just how much she missed it...missed them.
So here she was, a ring on her finger, a man in her life and yet all she could feel was... blind panic.
She was glad that Harvey was in court today, leaving her to her own devices. To work it out alone without him having to deal. Mike had popped by intermittently, to check on paperwork and other details. In return she sat, forcibly smiling, helpful, whilst balanced on the knife edge of her resolve as it threatened to deaden her.
The phone rang, startling her. She picked it up, breathing slowly.
"Harvey Specter's office," She said, trying at coy against the prominent thrumming in her chest.
"Donna… It's Dana." Said the voice on the other end.
She stiffened immediately.
"Scottie… hi. How are you?"
"Is Harvey there?" She asked, her voice cutting.
"Harvey's...in court. Is there something I can help with?"
"Well. I'm having a baby, so that would be perfect timing," She laughs bitterly. "Can you get a hold of him? Tell him that I'll be at the hospital if he'd like to attend the birth at some point today,"
She could hear the woman straining against the weight of the oncoming child. All tension flew out of the room.
"Of course. Do you need a cab, are you on the way now?" She asks, rushed.
"I'm fine. Just tell him."
"I will do. He'll be over as soon as possible." She nodded. "Congratulations." She said, her voice peeling a the edges.
"Say that to me after they get this child out of my ass." Scottie remarks, the line cutting in her absence.
She presses the hang up button on the phone out of habit, dialling Harvey's phone, her fingers tapping furiously on the desk as the dial tone ran.
"Shit," She said under her breath.
"What did you do?" Mike says, leaning against the front of her cubicle. As she takes him in, her brain springs into overdrive.
"Mike. Is Harvey still in court?" She fires.
"Uh-um," Mike stutters. "I think so, why? What's wrong, you look...crazed."
"Scottie's having the baby."
"Oh. Shit. Have you called him?"
"I think his phones on silent. I'm just texting him…" She says, her buttons working on her phone."Now."
"Harvey...having a baby. This is...this is big, right?" He says, looking intently at her.
His gaze irks her for some unknown reason.
"For Harvey." She says, trying to etch a smile on her face. She settles for a straight line.
"You okay, Donna?" He asks, his hands sinking into his pockets.
"I'm fine, Mike." She says, rolling her eyes at him.
That's the trouble with Mike. He really is the only person that sees through her and has the balls to challenge it.
"Donna. I'm not Harvey." He says, leaning against the cubicle.
"We're all really sad about that too," Harvey says behind them, frowning when the two look up at him with wide eyes.
"What?" He asks, irritably.
"Harvey. You better get to the Hospital." Mike says, sharing a look with Donna, frowning at her odd silence.
"What. What's wrong?" He says, looking at them both.
"Nothing bad. But you're gonna be a Dad." Mike says.
They watch as the most confident man in the room sinks through the floor, bravado first.
"I…." Harvey starts, the rest of the sentence lost in thought as he swallows.
It annoys at her, the fact that it tugs so firmly on her heart strings as she watches.
She stands up then. "We'll come with you." She nods at him, her face strained as she grabs for her bag and drags Mike along with as he watches Harvey collect the information.
They wait a second for him to spring into action, walking down the hall like they're the three stooges, Donna pressing the lift as they all finally reach the end.
Somehow it seems better, fitting. Trading her bad day to help Harvey have a better one, with Mike in tow.
When they hear a ding, they all shuffle simultaneously into the elevator, both of them flanking Harvey as the they descend quickly.
"I'm not...I'm not ready to be a Dad." Harvey says quietly under this breath.
"Well you can't get a refund on it, Harvey. So you're just going to have to suck it up. Besides, Scottie's the one pushing a melon sized object of her-"
"Ahh!" Mike objects, scrunching his face at Donna.
"Sorry. Too graphic. But you know what I mean. All you have to do is be there for her, hold her hand, tell her that you love her and let her scream in your face."
"You're not helping," He says, his eyes finding hers.
"He's right. No man wants to go into that." Mike agrees, juggling the image in his head.
"If I had my way I'd make you both watch." She says, clasping at her purse and ignoring their collective grimace.
"I'm not going in there with you," Mike remarks beside him.
"You're not getting a bonus this year."
"Fine by me. At least this way I get to shirk godfather. I'm terrible with kids. I dropped my cousins. Both of them."
"Well, you're only just out of kindergarten, Mike, so it makes sense." Harvey chides, glaring at his younger counterpart.
She feels the banter calming her nerves as the doors open.
Ray is waiting outside, as they all cram into the back seat, the city flooded with daytime traffic. She smiles as Ray nods to her, having text him on the way down.
Just then she notices Harvey glancing at her. When she looks down, their thighs are touching, all the way up to the elbow, causing a slight sheen of sweat to release underneath her dress. She swallows, trying to ignore the closeness, until she notices him still staring.
He's looking at her ring. He's looking at her god damned ring. The Ring...
His eyes suddenly find his, large; words coursing through them.
"I…" She says under her breath.
"When did you get that?" He asks, his voice pensive as his eyes find hers.
"Yesterday," She says vaguely, taken aback at the intensity of emotion in the car.
"Get what?" Mike enquires next to Harvey, his attention sharpening on them, and then the ring. "Oh shit." He says, looking back out the window.
It's probably the most inappropriate thing Mike's ever said teamed with the most appropriate course of action in his entire life….
"You didn't have that on this morning," He states, the angles in his face hardening as he stares at her intently.
"I was going to tell you. Now seems a little inappropriate, but. Ta Dah!" She says, the humour in her tone falling flat as he stares back at her, just as unimpressed.
"SO, you're getting married, then?" He says. It's almost an accusation coming out of his mouth.
"Well, I'm engaged, Harvey. And you're having a baby right now. So let's just focus on that, shall we?" She glares at him, her mouth tightening before she too looks out the window.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He says under his breath. "I told you about Scottie."
"I assumed, as we were now at the 'having babies stage' in our lives, that there was really no need to tell you, don't you think?" She says, her temper rising as she infers Mike's presence.
The glare at each other for a moment. She wishes she could distance herself from him. It's unfortunate that they're glued together at present, bodies cramped in the back of his car.
"You know, I hate to break up whatever unresolved issues you guys seem to have with one another, but we're at the hospital." He says, a small, if not ironic smile on his lips as he looks around at them both.
"Mike, can you just give us a sec." Harvey asks, his eyes firmly fixed on her.
"Okay…" He says vaguely, as he shuffles and shuts the door behind him.
When he turns back to her, he's no further away. It's stifling.
"Harvey," She starts.
"You've only known this guy...what? Six months? You've had bags longer." He questions, his jaw setting in a stone-like stubbornness.
"Harvey. You don't have a say in what I do, so don't pretend like you do, okay?" She warns, unable to point at him due to the their proximity.
"You owed it to me to tell me."
"I didn't have time."
"Bullshit."
"I'm not apologizing for who I am."
He sighs then, aware of the losing battle. He sinks into his seat for a second, pinching the bridge of his nose as she watches him.
"Hey," She says, pulling his hand gently away. "You're going to be a father, today, Harvey. Now, are you gonna sit here and fight with me, or are you going to get in there and see if it's a boy or a girl?" She says, her face trying for hopeful as her diaphragm wrenches against the words. "Well?" She asks, her eyes glassy and heavy against the water threatening to burst past her lashes.
It's as if she'd known all day that this was coming. The pressure, the anxiety...
"Donna," He says, the tension completely dissipating when he notices the tears brimming and the hitch in her throat. He's at a loss, all anger subsiding.
His hand moves instantly to cup her face, his thumb spreading over her cheekbone. She gently shrugs him off, the irony of the moment pulling at her vocal chords as she releases a strangled laugh and wipes at her eyes to claim the moisture before it can drop onto her dress.
"Come on," She says, stifled by their private moment. She opens the door and pulling him by the hand to follow. "You've got a baby to meet." She says, tugging on his wrist, as his fingers link with hers.
It's the first time in a very long time that she's touched him. That they've touched each other. And she's now dragging him into the entrance to join Mike. What's worse is that he's letting her do it, following quietly.
Mike stands to attention as they join him at the hospital entrance; giving her even more purchase to think that her make up has run, or that her eyes are that unnatural red colour, the kind of red when the build up of emotion gives up its defences and annoyingly concentrates itself in the vein of your eye. He looks to her, and then to a displaced Harvey beside her and briefly at their entwined hands as the three of them walk into the building in a strange silence.
Mike doesn't ask if everything's okay. He's far too smart for that.
After asking for the maternity ward, they all cram once again into an elevator in the same formation, as the clunky machinery starts to whir against their collective weight, pushing the metal box upwards. She stiffens, when she feels his hand clamp around hers once more. She has to look down to check whose it is, until she notices him staring straight ahead.
"This is a good day, Harvey." She says to him, watching him as his face slowly turns to her, a mixture of fear and confusion and adrenaline. She finds a little solace when he squeezes her hand, a smile half smile on his lips. She finally finds the moment to breathe.
When they get to the delivery floor, Mike's asking at the desk and she lets go of his hand, gently pushing him towards the room. He looks back at her, something lingering on his tongue.
"We'll come back later, okay? I've already got Cameron filtering your calls." She says, interrupting him.
"Donna..." He says, the rest of his sentence seeming to linger in his eyes.
"Go," She encourages, smilling her best smile.
"Thanks." He says, looking between her and Mike individually before catching her eyes again and then straightening, walking into the delivery room.
She feels herself exhale heavily as he disappears behind the door.
A hand takes hers once more. "You okay?" Mike says quietly next to her. She looks over to see the genuine concern on her face.
"I will be." She says, her tired, over-pink eyes finding his as she squeezes his hand in return, looking back to the door.
"You wanna get a huge drink?" He asks.
Part of her wants to say no, and instead of even going to her Fiance's just...go home. Go to bed. She remembers then that she's promised she'll be there for Harvey later.
"Sure." She says, attempting a smile as she follows him to the elevator.
They fall into a place not too far from the Hospital so that just in case Harvey calls them, they can be at hand. They slide up to the traditional looking bar, as she eyes the nearest thing she can get her hands on.
"So. You're engaged. Congratulations?" He offers, getting comfortable. The end of his sentence plays on the ambiguity like he's unsure of the appropriate tone.
"Thanks. It was only last night. It's all a little fresh." She replies, the wave of adrenaline leaving her body empty.
"Something tells me it's not the only thing that's fresh," He notes, handing over a fifty to the bartender as they both eye up the long line of beer pumps.
"Yeah. It's uh,"
"I know you don't like to talk about it, Donna. And I understand why. But you need to...get it out. Otherwise it's going to eat you up and I gather that's not a healthy thing to bring to a marriage."
"You're getting very wise in your young years, Mike Ross." She sighs, straightening on her bar stool.
"I know. I had a good teacher." He smirks.
"Harvey's-" She winces.
"I meant you." He says bluntly, pointing to the nearest beer and gesturing for two with a nod to the barman.
"Oh."
"You've really been there for me. When I needed it… so. I'm here for you. And I know you need it."
"Let me get a beer down me and then...perhaps...we'll talk." She says, accepting the beer that gets placed down in front of her. She stakes a very long sip, feeling the ice cold bubbly fluid hit her stomach with a thickness. It's soothing in the worst kind of way, bringing out her immediate tiredness.
"You know, he came to my apartment," She says quietly, playing with a beermat.
"What?" Mike frowns, straightening out of his daze.
"When he found out. He came to my apartment."
"Why?"
"To ask what I thought he should do...Scottie told him that she was pregnant and I guess… he was a little out of sorts."
"You sure that's all it was?" He offers, continuing when she challenges him with a look. "I know two things, from working at this firm. One...we're all very close. I can count on you and Harvey and Rachel and Jessica and even Louis, these days."
"And the second?"
"Harvey's been in love with you since I met him, and probably longer than that and I'll guess longer than even you realised. I didn't recognise it at first because whatever your relationship has become, it's always stood up by itself. But now, when I look back, I can see that the moment he and Scottie got together, your relationship just hasn't been the same. And the cracks are starting to show now. In both of you."
"It was bound to change, Mike. He has a real relationship now. Something that trumps work. It's the natural flow of things, for that to change." She argues limply.
"I get that. Problem is: It only works if it's right. Nothing ever stood above what you guys had until he let her in again. For the first three years that I knew you both, you two were virtually unbreakable, save for the firing and even then; he was a mess without you and didn't last two weeks, and we know how that turned out,"
"He's not as strong as people think he is."
"So why… why did you push him away?"
"Some things had to change, Mike. I told him that."
"You told him to have the baby, didn't you?"
"I told him he'd make a great Father, Mike. Which he will. Just like his Dad."
"And what about you?"
"I'm engaged. I'm going to get married, and move with my own life." She says, matter-of-factly.
It's a good thing he knows this woman.
"But don't you see! The two of you aren't moving on with your lives Donna, you're moving on from each other but without the breakup. Which is worse, because neither of you have closure."
"You're not exactly making me feel better, Michael." She rolls her eyes, looking up at the many rows of liquor.
"Look, I'm just trying to make you see what you're both doing. I want you to both be happy. I just figured until 9 months ago that you both knew that inevitably, it would be with each other. And now, after seeing the way you're both reacting to each other supposedly moving on, I just. I love you both. And you're driving me crazy, so no wonder you're driving each other crazy..."
"Mike. I know you mean well. But...he has a baby, now. A baby. And regardless of what he may or may not have wanted when he came to my apartment, I told him what I told him, and he made a decision afterwards. And now, that decision is a little baby, and a life with Scottie. That's it."
"That's it?" He questions, his frustration finally fraying.
"That's it. Game Over."
She's resolute then. It's Game Over for them. Simple as that.
GAME.
OVER.
The day settles in, and she finds solace in not having to go back to the hospital, after Mike gets a call from Harvey, saying that Dana's still in Labour through and into the night. So, they decide to stay for a few more beers until jokes about Scottie and her 'tiny vagina' start to come out Donna's drunken mouth, with Mike laughing more and more every minute, that when Rachel finally comes, she has to pick up their tiny child-sized minds off of the Bar floor.
The next day, she feels very hungover, but somehow freed of it all.
A New Day.
A Fresh new start for her.
'I'm standing in the flames
And it's a beautiful kind of pain
Setting fire to yesterday
Find a light, find a light, find a light - 'Beautiful Pain' Sia/Eminem
The Present.
It's the first time that she's anxious to go home. She's far too old to be afraid of stepping through her own door, but there's something lingering, something missing from the picture.
An angry Harvey and her husband completely, almost deliriously happy… there's two opposing forces if she's ever seen them.
She hasn't even really considered properly, the fact that her husband has actually bribed her...lover...and Boss into ending an affair and and done it all behind her back without so much as a word. Something in her gut is shouting out the discrepancies, the missing links between her husband's actions and his seemingly fine reaction to her. She's unsure herself, how she can live with it. Stuart. Harvey. Them. Regardless of the risks, she's no one's property. But it's like Stuart has fixed points and told her exactly where she stands in one fail swoop without having to so much as utter a thing.
She has to play it right, wait for the perfect moment to pin him down with something bad enough to end it and save them.
She loves a challenge but this… this is… without definition. This her life; and despite her love for theatre her life is not a play. She doesn't just get to walk out at the intermission and decide whether or not to come back for the second half.
She messages Stuart, telling him she'll meet him at the restaurant as she wants to buy a new dress, and walks straight back into the office. It's only just gone seven as she presses the button to the correct floor, tapping her foot along the way as she fishes out her phone to order yet another personal delivery from her stylist contact at Valentino.
When she rounds the corner, she's startled to find Harvey sat on the floor, with coloured building blocks all around him. She smiles immediately, leaning against the glass panel as she watches him play with his little girl, helping her arrange each blocks with thoughtful precision.
Realisation dawns on her, as she tallies how many years have passed. How many things they've gone through and just how big his little baby is now. He looks up in between his chirping daughter, noticing her, his eyes bending with a warmth.
"Hey there, Daddy Specter." She says, smirking.
"That's an optional name for the bedroom." He remarks, his lip twitching as he looks up at her.
"Don't be gross. Your child is listening." She scolds, walking into the office and bending down expertly to sit on the floor. "Hey Layla. You have no idea who I am. I'm the person that dragged your father into the Hospital, because he was having a panic attack about you." She croons, looking at the girl.
"She knows who you are. Hey kid, this is Donna. You remember Donna? Red hair? Big mouth," He says, glancing at her as his daughter stands up and moves to his side, her hands flattening out on his thigh as she glances under her hair at the woman in the room.
Donna waves, watching the little toddler as she looks back at her with Harvey's eyes.
"God, she looks so much like you. With Scottie's hair." She remarks.
"Let's hope she doesn't get my jaw." Harvey says, absent-mindedly rubbing his chin as the day-old shave starts to set in.
"No. She's going to be beautiful." She says, as the little girl walks over to her, examining her. It's unnerving. Clearly Layla gets that from her mother. "It's not often that you're here with her." She notes.
"I uh...I offered. To babysit. So Scottie could have the night off."
"Ah. Where'd she go?"
"Dinner, I think. She wanted me to come with. I reminded her that that would defeat the object of having adult time." He says, sighing. His eyes catch, examining her. "What about you? Thought you'd left."
"I was...I'm getting a dress ordered in."
"Wow; you're really making the effort for a man you're supposed to be divorcing."
"Harvey," She warns, the tone careful around the little girl currently patting her red hair. "I actually...didn't want to go home. So, I'm changing here."
"Right. I'm sorry. This is all getting…very complicated."
"Yes. Marriage and Kids are complicated things, Harvey. Oddly, I don't think either of us were really ready for it."
"I think the right person would have changed that." He says, his eyes poignantly boring into hers.
It makes her think. About the past. Before all of them, when it was just them. She notices the little girl slump to the floor by her knees, a block in her hands.
"She's beautiful. I wouldn't have you change her for the world."
"I hope she... gets me. I hope she's able to...step back. You know? Look at it all."
"She'll be who you make her, Harvey." She says, her eyes lingering on his. "Hi." She says, when the kid starts touching her face and offering her red blocks. "Thank you." She mouths, smiling.
"Well she's identified your hair as red. I think she'll be fine."
"I think you're right." She smiles, leaning back against the foot of the couch. "And I should go. There's something lovely, but morally wrong about the two of us babysitting your child when we're having an affair."
"Okay." He says, nodding. "Try not to fuck your husband." He says in a pretend 'care-free', almost sing-song tone.
She merely glares at him.
"Fuh." Layla says, smiling.
They both look at her in shock.
"Oh No." He says, closing his eyes.
"That's not good." Donna agrees.
"That's her first official word." He says, his face deadpan.
"Oh God," She replies, a fit of laughter erupting between them both. "That's a cue for me to leave."
"I...you know." He infers, an apologetic smile seemingly unsure on his usually confident looking face.
"I know. Me too." She smiles, looking down the little girl. "Bye sweetie. Try to forget that word before your Mom gets back." She says, touching the little girl's arm. "Practise 'Dad' on her." She says, pointing to him.
"Will Do." He says, a smile falling out of the corner of his mouth as he watches her disappear down the hall.
Will try and Post another chapter soon as this wasn't long.