Chapter 31:

The Chaos Speaks the Loudest

It was always coldest for Spencer after the storm blew over. When the worst of things finally decided that they'd shown themselves long enough and retreated back into the shadows, she was left with a frosty, arid feeling that shook her to the core.

Even with Toby's arms wrapped tight around her, in the midst of the chaos that made her world appear dizzy, she felt the chill. The rest of the world was fuzzy and grey, like an old 1960's picture show. Everyone who spoke sounded like they were speaking through a pillow.

The process of events and how they had played out was even hazy for her. She remembered seeing Toby's truck out of the corner of her eye, as it skidded to a halt before the burning pile of ash that was once Jason's safe haven. She recalled hearing him get out of the car as fast as he could and hurry over to her, coming to a stop in front of her, and shaking her shoulders. The worried look in his eyes would have normally made her furrow her eyebrows in concern, but she could barely move as it was.

Sensing her stationary state, he quickly slipped his jacket from his shoulders and wrapped it around her before pulling her into his arms, holding her tight but giving her room to breathe. He knew her like a book; could read her like tealeaves. He could sense when she needed to be left alone, when she needed to talk, and when she just needed someone to hold her while she processed a situation.

She wondered what she would do without him.

Looking over at Jason, who stood beside her, just as unmoving and immobile as she was, she reached out and let her hand find his. When he wrapped his fingers around hers, the three stood still on the gravel, silhouetted by the pale glow of the dwindling flames, while the world around them erupted in chaos.

Emily hadn't been in her old room for quite some time. Usually, when she came home for the holidays, she spent the night at Hanna's apartment, or at Aria's place – before she and Fitz became engaged.

So it was shocking to her how familiar it felt when she walked through the doorway and entered it.

Her bed was the same. Her curtains were the same. Even her desk was the same. The pictures, the papers, the books. All of it was familiar.

Calming.

Even if it did behold some of her darkest secrets. Her most sinister times.

And yet, she almost felt…unwelcome as she cautiously took a step inside. She nearly expected to see her old self, a little high schooler at the time, sitting at her desk and turn around and ask what she was doing here.

It made her smile when she thought of it.

The night had started off simple enough. She was supposed to meet Samara for dessert at the local Pinkberry, but next thing she knew…she was making the turn onto her street and parking in front of her parents' house. They were out for the night, and Emily had remembered where her mother always kept the spare key beneath the mat.

Now, she stood in the middle of her old room, which had cardboard boxes of swim trophies, piles of childhood artwork, and her high school diploma strewn across the dusty bedcover. She ran her hand along the rail that stretched along the footboard of the bed, recalling how it had constantly been the hanger for her damp swim caps, her jean skirts, her jogging suits…

Time had been kind to Emily. It had guided her in moving on from all of her losses.

She remembered what Samara had told her when she called her up during their junior year of high school. It had surprised her that she had called at all, seeing that they hadn't spoken a word to one another since their breakup. But when Emily picked up the phone, she was overjoyed to hear Samara's voice. She closed her eyes, recalling the conversation…

"I heard about Maya. I just wanted to call and pay my sincere regards for her passing." Emily remembered how kind and truthful she had sounded, "And I'm sorry…that you've lost so many people."

It had taken Emily everything she had not to break down and cry at that moment. She remembered how when she'd hung up with Samara, she'd collapsed under her bedcovers and sobbed until her throat hurt.

Now, she let her fingers slide along the cold pillowcases that had once been warmed with her tears. She smiled sadly at the memories.

Turning, her eyes fell upon something that sparked a long stream of heated memories within her mind: the picture of her and Maya, settled on her dresser.

It was one of the only things she had left behind when she had moved out for CalPoly. She thought that looking at it everyday…it would only bring back the pain over and over. When she went to CalPoly, she had been seeking a fresh start. Away from Rosewood, where the old memories couldn't reach her.

But you can never escape Rosewood. No matter how hard you try.

She offered up an almost sad smile as she picked up the picture frame, running her fingers over the surface of the glass, where Maya's face was. Of course now, that face was buried beneath layer upon layer of dirt and worms and other earthly things, beside yet another one of her loves that had left this world. Of course, her spiritual side was far away from here, up there in Heaven, likely smiling down on Emily at that moment.

It was almost as if she could actually hear Maya's spunky, sing-songy voice behind her as a recollection filled her mind.

"Smile for the camera!"

"Maya! Stop! You're making me laugh!"

"Good, then it's working!"

Emily smiled as she set the picture frame back down on the dresser.

Would Maya ever really be gone from her life? No. Of course not. It was silly to believe that she would.

But Maya had taught her something. She had taught her that life was about being spontaneous, and doing the things that you love, and being with the people that you love, even if it puts you through hell.

It helped Emily move on. It took her nearly a year after Maya's death to open her eyes clearly, but she saw it. She knew that Maya wouldn't have wanted her to waste her life away pining for someone that couldn't be saved. Someone who was part of her past, who lived in her memory. That love would be enough to carry her through the dark spots.

Emily had grown so much since then. College, Paige, Samara, and every other part of her life had helped her become who she was now: Emily Fields, strong and independent. Compassionate and loving. The girl next door that liked the feel of sand between her toes, always bore goggle marks on her eyes, and had a heart of gold.

And as Emily took one last look around her bedroom, soaking in the last of the sweet, adolescent memories, she thought of all the times she had been kicked to the curb and had had enough strength to get up again. She gave a soft grin and headed out into the hall, closing the door behind her.

Maya would have been proud.

"Do you need anything else?" Aria asked worriedly, in her best mom voice. "Coffee? Food? There's leftover chocolate cake that Ezra's brother brought over in the kitchen…"

Jason chuckled. "Really, Aria. I'm fine. The water is enough." He held up the plastic blue cup she'd given him.

"Are you sure?" She replied, her hand moving feverishly across his forehead, checking for a temperature.

"Aria, I'm not sick. It was just a fire."

But Aria wasn't convinced. Her eyebrows still furrowed in concern, and she continued to study his face. "Alright." She said finally, nevertheless.

Taking her seat on the armchair next to his, her eyes fell into her lap.

"Thanks for uhm, letting me stay here for the night." He said, staring down at the cup in his hands.

Aria nodded. "It's really no trouble at all; Ezra's out of town for the night, presenting a paper at a conference."

"Really, I can stay at Spencer and Toby's if you want…"

"No, no, no, really. It's more than fine. I talked to Toby and we both decided that it would be better for Spencer to be alone with him for the night. She's gone through too many shocks lately to be emotionally stable. And plus," Aria rocked back and forth in her seat, "I like that you're here; I get lonely on the nights that Ezra leaves."

"Uh oh. Trouble in paradise?"

"No, no. That's not it at all. He's just gone sometimes and I forget that…I used to have a life without him." She snorted, "But it'll be better, once we're married."

Jason nodded. "When is that, exactly?"

"May. The invitations go out next week."

"Is Spencer still ever-so-involved with the planning?"

"Well, I want it to be perfect, don't I?"

Jason chuckled, "Well, then I guess it makes sense then."

Aria laughed and then turned serious once more, licking her lips, "Jason, what happened tonight?"

Jason's eyes turned away from her, his gaze cast downward.

"Jason…?"

"I don't know." Jason shrugged.

"Well, do you have any idea what might've happened? Do you know of anyone who would want to do that? Did you leave the oven on…?"

A guilty expression washed over Jason's face and Aria's eyes went wide, "Oh, God, Jason, what did you do?"

"I might have…not exactly put out a joint completely. And threw it in the trash can next to the drapes."

"You were…you were smoking again? I thought you'd been clean since high school!" Aria burst out, incredulous.

"I was!" Jason replied, "For a while. But then the night that Jenna moved in…we were talking about how much life sucked for the two of us at the time…how neither of us felt like there was a soul in the world that truly loved us…and one thing led to another…and it started from there…"

"Why were you getting stoned with Jenna?" Aria asked, "How did you even know where to go to get the stuff? What, did you hit up some thrashed high-school kid selling marijuana on the street?"

"Aria – "

"Oh, or maybe you were even classier about it – maybe Jenna seduced a him into giving it to you for free – "

"Aria!"

"I thought you were better than that, Jason!" She was shouting now, jumping to her feet and leering over him, "You better take a good hard look in the mirror, Jason, because that high school kid who wastes his life away getting high and forgetting about the life he once had? That's you, Jason. You haven't grown up at all! I trusted that you were a changed man! Someone worthy to call Spencer Hastings' brother!"

"I am! Damn it, I am!" Jason yelled back, standing up as well. Once his breathing slowed, he spoke more evenly. "It doesn't mean I'm not human, Aria. It doesn't mean that I don't still get lonely."

"There are other ways, Jason." Aria answered, her voice softer now. Her arms were crossed tight across her chest.

"I'm figuring it out…"

"Well, it's a little late for that, isn't it?" Aria replied bitterly.

He shook his head, and Aria could see the shame in his eyes.

"You can't tell Spencer. Please. It'll ruin her." Jason pleaded, "I don't want to be just another one of the people that let her down."

Aria licked her lips, "Are you asking me to lie to her?"

"It's for her own good."

Aria heaved in a deep breath and looked away, trying to hold herself together. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to shield herself from the drafty apartment air. But the chill was still there, shaking her inside, turning her to stone.

They two of them stood there, speechless, peering into the bright licks of the fire that burned away in the fireplace, in an even bigger mess than the one they had started with.

"Spencer, say something."

Silence.

"Spencer, come on, you have to talk about this."

More silence.

"Spencer, I swear to God, if you don't speak a word in the next five seconds, I'm going to tickle you until you scream for mercy."

"Won't make any difference." Spencer replied stoically. "I still don't wanna talk about it."

"Don't keep it bottled up; it's not good for you. It's like that poem you were talking about – 'A Poison Tree?'"

"Well, maybe this time the foe was what almost killed me." Spencer sighed.

Still kneeling before her, Toby shook his head. Spencer was curled up in the rocking chair they had had since high school – when Toby had hand-crafted it for her during the months they spent apart – and Toby was in front of her, his hand over hers, which was in her lap, desperate to break her unmoving face.

"Spence…"

"Should I just be scared all the time anymore, Toby?" She asked, shaking her head slowly, "Just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time?"

"I…"

"And it wasn't even just that." She went on, her gaze still boring holes into the wall. "It wasn't just any fire. That was Jason's home. Ali's home. The last piece we had left of the old Rosewood. This morning…I was talking about everything changing. And that…that was the final straw. That just proved that nothing is going to stay permanent. No matter how hard you try, life is just going to keep screwing you over."

"Spencer…" Toby sighed. "Don't think like that. You always say that we make our own choices."

"Well I didn't exactly think about fate so much until this year; when things started to go wrong." She said softly. "Maybe I was wrong about life."

"Oh, Spence…"

"Make love to me, Toby." She said, her voice listless, "Remind me what it feels like to be human."

Toby offered up a sad half smile and leaned in to kiss her forehead. "Not tonight. It would be too similar to taking advantage of you."

"Hm, even when I'm practically offering it to you on a silver platter?"

"Yes. Even then." Toby replied with a gentle grin. "If I'm going to be Romeo, I have to do it right." He got to his feet and then stooped down to scoop her up into his arms. Normally, she would have protested and told him that she could 'walk to her room herself, thank you very much.' But she was tired tonight. And honestly…she needed him. Just to be there for her. Just to pet her hair and hold her while she fell asleep.

"Mm…" She made a soft, sleepy noise in the back of her throat, leaning her head on his shoulder.

"Shh, you can sleep." Toby replied, and she could feel the motion of him walking slowly back to their bedroom, "Let the angels find you in your dreams, Juliet."

sooo sorry for the late update! i had SOOO much hw and surprise exams and time just got away from me! damn life for taking away spobytime... ;) keep the reviews coming - if i get up to 330, ill update over the weekend (im actually NOT busy! ;) )

live. love. spoby.

AJ