Chapter 37:

Lights Will Guide You Home

Toby hadn't considered the idea of Spencer losing someone that close to her. All his life, Toby was used to losing things. His mom, his dad to another woman, his innocence to his stepsister, his dignity to Alison.

But Spencer? Spencer had gone through more trouble that a girl ever should, but she'd always had her friends right by her, supporting her along the way.

And it nearly broke him to see her, curled up in a bawl, rocking back and forth against the hallway wall. She'd told him to take a shower after Hanna, Aria, and Emily had left for the night. By then, it was well past midnight, and full into Rosewood's witching hour. He'd been afraid of leaving her alone, but she'd insisted. He guessed that she'd wanted a moment to breathe, to collect her thoughts.

But as he emerged from the bathroom, dressed in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt for bed, he caught sight of her: she was huddled in the corner at the end of the hall, her eyes nearly glazed over, grasping the spare t-shirt the police had found in Jason's backpack.

After all this time, something had finally broken her. After Hanna, Melissa, Wren, Jenna, and the mugging, it was Jason's death that shook her to her core. He made his way over to her quickly, dropping to his knees beside her and pulling her into his arms.

"Shh…sh…hey, it's ok. You're alright." He murmured in her ear gently.

Rather than pressing closer to him, as she was so accustomed to do, she pushed away from him, shaking her head. "Don't tell me that. It's not true."

"Spence…"

"Toby, I…" She shook her head, "I'm so broken. You have no idea. It's too much…you don't…you don't understand."

Toby could have argued with her; he could have told her he knew exactly what it was like to lose someone he loved. But in a way, she was right. Toby was born into his family, and molded and crafted and expected to love his mother. Naturally, her passing had wounded him deeply, but the loss differed from the one Spencer was experiencing. Spencer had never been told to love Jason. She could have easily kept the secret alive, pushed him away, refused contact with him. But she didn't. She'd made the choice to care for him, and love him, and accept him as her own true brother.

And now he was gone and she was left with a hole, a gaping dent inside her. She'd put so much effort into loving and trusting him, and for what? Just for him to drop dead at such a young age?

And Spencer…Spencer was strong. But she was still a woman – fragile and easily bruised. Naturally willing to trust with her soul and love with all the passion she knew how.

When people fled from her life…they took pieces of her with them.

Toby wondered if she'd ever be the same, after this. If she'd ever be whole.

If she'd ever be Spencer.

"I just…" Spencer shook her head.

"Tell me, Spence. Help me understand." He pleaded, brushing pieces of hair off of her sopping wet cheeks.

She shook her head, "I can't, Toby. You…you want to fix me!" She said, suddenly exasperated, "And I…I can't be fixed."

"I – "

"You're whole and I'm broken!" She sobbed, nearly delirious. "I'm just life's punching bag and I…I can't hold it together anymore."

"Then let it out." He coaxed her. "Let me be there to help pick up the pieces. Let me help you."

But she shook her head again. "You can't." She replied thickly. Suddenly, she got to her feet, "I need to fix myself by myself. I can't tug you down with me; I can't…I can't expect you to understand."

"Spencer – " Toby looked up at her, his eyes pleading.

"No." She cut him off. Before she knew it, she was heading for the door. "I need to be alone. I can't do this right now. You can't…you can't fix me right now."

Before he could even follow her, she was gone, Jason's shirt in her hand, and her heart in a million pieces.

After leaving Spencer and Toby's apartment, Hanna found herself driving aimlessly around town. She parked in front of Saks, which was dark and closed for the night, and stared at the display window from her car. Those black boots were nice, she noted, and the new scarves were to die for.

Hanna wondered why everything bad – the completely unthinkable – was now happening, all at once. She thought about the concept of God hating them for some wrong they'd all committed recently.

Other than showing each other love and support, she couldn't think of anything.

Then, she idly wondered if Caleb knew. If he was still home. The new semester didn't start for a good week and a half, but after she had scampered out of his apartment that morning…it would have been too easy for him to convince himself to leave early.

She'd made so, so many mistakes. Led two wonderful men on when in reality, she didn't have any idea what she really wanted.

Before she knew what she was doing, her fingers reached into her bag and felt around for her cell phone. When she found it, she quickly dialed a number, and held it to her ear.

"Hello?" The voice picked up after two rings.

"Caleb?" She asked, her voice empty and hoarse, "It's…it's Hanna. Can you come and get me?"

He was silent for a moment. "Where are you?"

"Parked in front of Saks down by campus."

"Is anyone with you?"

"No."

"Ok. I'll be right there."

The coffee at Lola's was weak, Spencer thought as she took another sip of the cup the waitress had poured for her. She hunched over the mug, pressing all of her weight on her elbows against the table.

The quiet diner had been one of the only places open so late, with its signature "Open 24 Hours!" advertisement blinking in the window. After Spencer had left Toby in a blind haze, she'd come there, parking her car out front and ordering a cup of coffee – black as ink.

It wasn't that she was angry at Toby…she just…well, she actually wasn't sure. He was just being a good boyfriend – fiancée – trying to comfort her in her time of need, but she just didn't feel like he fully understood how much this hurt her. That if he comforted her enough, she could just get over it and move on with her life.

She'd been so strong for so very long. It was starting to get extremely taxing on her soul.

The soul is a lot like an eraser, she thought idly, and loss is what rubs it, rubs it harder and harder, until all it is is a pile of shavings.

Or maybe hers had just turned into something as black as this coffee.

Ultimately, she thought about Jason. His face the last time she'd seen him. Right before he had left on the trip that would end his life.

He'd been such a good brother to her. And what had she done? Called him maybe once a week, let him lock himself away when he got his mood problems, rather than helping him cope with him.

Accused him of killing Alison when she was in high school.

She leaned her forehead on her palm and blew a strand of hair out of her face.

"You should go back to your boyfriend, you know." A voice said from behind her.

She sat up straighter and turned to see the waitress – the only one working Lola's tonight – speaking to her from behind the bar.

"How do you know I have a boyfriend?" She asked, turning back around.

The waitress rounded the side of the bar and approached her table, coffee pot in hand. When she reached Spencer, she promptly poured more of the tar-colored liquid into her cup, filling it to the brim.

"Please," the waitress waved her hand at Spencer, as if it were obvious. "Cute girl like you? Drinking black coffee? Looking like a serial killer? Either you have one hell of a boyfriend, or you just escaped from Radley."

Spencer chuckled a bit at that. "Yeah," she replied. "I do have a boyfriend. A fiancée, actually." She held up her left hand, flashing the engagement ring.

Spencer guessed that the waitress was in her mid-twenties, maybe a year or two older than Spencer, since she'd never seen her at Hollis. Her hair was dark brown, with caramel-colored streaks weaving in and out of her ponytail. Her eyes were large and grey, and she had a slight sprinkling of freckles across her tiny nose.

"Ah, see? I'm brilliant." She teased. "Now how long have you two been together?"

"Four years."

"And did he kick you out or something?"

"No. I left."

"Forever?"

"No. Just for the night. I just wanted to be alone."

"What, is he sleeping with your sister?" She asked. "Because that's how my last boyfriend got kicked out of my house."

Spencer snorted a laugh. "No. No, he's definitely not. Plus, my sister does enough sleeping around on her own – she doesn't need my fiancée."

"Then why did you leave?"

Spencer opened her mouth and sighed. "Well…it's kind of a hard thing to explain."

"Try me." The waitress smiled. She set down the pot of coffee and pulled out the chair across from her, taking a seat. She folded her hands beneath her chin and smiled expectantly.

Spencer sighed again and sat up so that she could fold the coffee mug between her palms. "These past few months…have been really hard on me. And…he's always been there for me, but sometimes…I don't feel like he understands."

"Well, can you blame him? It's not like he's going through this stuff."

"I know." Spencer replied. "That's why I'm confused and torn. I don't know if I feel angry…maybe it's just that I feel alone."

"Well, he's supportive, isn't he?"

"Always."

"How long have you been with him?"

"Four years. Since high school."

"Did you guys like tutor each other or something?"

"Or something…"

"What?"

"I…" Spencer laughed. "I tutored him our junior year."

"Did you know him beforehand?"

"Well…" Spencer chuckled. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Again, try me."

"I…" She laughed again. "I originally accused him of murdering my best friend."

The waitress' eyes went wide and she laughed. "Wow. How did you slip that one under the radar? 'Oh yes, honey, of course I love you. And the file on my desk labeled 'Clues as to Why You're A Killer' means nothing.'"

Spencer laughed. "We…grew to trust each other. And I learned that he was actually the most loving and gentle person I know."

"Wow, this is like a movie, bro!"

"Not the first time it's been called that…" She giggled.

"And he's good to you?"

"He's…he's a wonderful man."

"And uh, do we have a picture of him? You know, just for reference…" The waitress said coyly.

Spencer laughed, "Yeah." She pulled out her phone, flipping through her photo album until she found her favorite picture of them – the one from last summer, when Hanna had been playing with her camera, and caught a shot of them laughing together. Toby's arm was around her shoulders, and he was laughing into her hair while she giggled into her hand. The sight of them so happy together…made Spencer smile.

"Oh, yeah, and he's cute too? Honey, you're very lucky." The waitress said.

"I know." She smiled. "I am."

"And there's really no reason to be mad, is there?"

"No. I guess not." Spencer replied, still grinning softly.

"Come on, girl." She said, "Dump this shitty coffee and go let Prince Charming hold you while you cry over whatever this is you're going through."

"It's uh…it's Romeo, actually." Spencer replied with a coy smile, still staring down at the picture.

The waitress smiled and flipped her ponytail as she began to walk away, back to the bar.

"Hey," Spencer turned in her chair to look at her, "What's your name?"

The waitress looked back at her, "AJ." She replied.

"And what's that short for?"

AJ smiled – a coy smile, as if there was some inside joke that went along with this. "Avery Jane. But I think that that is the most ridiculous name ever. So it's AJ."

"AJ." Spencer repeated. She looked back down at the photo of she and Toby. "Hey, would – " She started, but when she looked up, AJ was gone.

"What're you thinking about?" Caleb asked Hanna, who had been silent the entire time he'd been there.

"Stuff."

"Jason stuff?"

"Some of it."

"What's the rest of it?"

"Just stuff." Hanna shrugged.

"Okay, Hanna, did you call me for a reason? Because so far this is the least I've ever heard you say."

Hanna shook her head. "I can't figure anything out, Caleb. Not you, not me, not…" She almost said Will's name, but turned her head to look out the car window.

From the passenger's seat, Caleb leaned towards her, "Hey." He said, using his finger to tip her chin towards him. "Is that the reason why you left that morning?"

Hanna's eyes were downcast and she sighed, shaking her head. "It's complicated."

"No, Hanna, it isn't." Caleb said forcibly, causing her to look up at him. "Everything else in your life may be complicated, be we are the only thing that has ever made complete sense in the world."

"Hanna and Caleb." She chimed in softly, not even realizing it. Her lips were a soft smile.

"Caleb and Hanna." He replied, the same smile stretching across his face.

"I'm sorry I left." She said gently as his finger traced down her cheek.

"Which time?"

"Every time."

Caleb nodded, furrowing his eyebrows. He continued to trace the shape of her face.

"I just wish I'd said that sooner." She sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He answered. "I have you here, now. And that's enough."

She smiled and laid her head on his shoulder across the console as he pulled her into his arms, kissing the top of her head. For the first time in ages, Hanna didn't feel like crying when she was hugged.

She felt whole.

Toby looked up from his desk, where he'd been idly trying to focus on house blueprints to keep from chasing Spencer all over town. After she'd left, he'd paced the room for nearly an hour, trying to figure out a way to patch things up – even though he was unsure what had tore the hole in the first place. Finally, he'd chalked it all up to her stress and settled down to work. Of course, he hadn't gotten more than two minutes into it before his mind wandered to her again, and how she'd forgotten her jacket and was probably cold, and how she couldn't drive well when she was crying…

Knock, knock.

He turned around in his chair to see her, standing in the doorway, smiling softly and cautiously.

"Hi." She said gently.

"Hey." He replied, just as carefully. He slowly got to his feet. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah." She said softly. "I think so." She smiled. Her face was still red from crying and her eyes were bloodshot, but she wasted to time in reaching for his hand. "I'm sorry I walked out."

He nodded. "It's ok. I wasn't giving you space."

"No, no." She shook her head. "You were being wonderful. You are wonderful." She stepped closer. "I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have a someone like you in my life."

He smiled and reached out to lightly stroke her cheek.

"Thank you for always fixing me." She said sweetly.

He grinned and stooped to wrap his arms around her tiny waist, lifting her off the ground and into his arms, turning her in a circle.

"You aren't broken, Spence." He whispered in her ear as she buried her face in his shoulder. "You're the strongest, smartest, most beautiful person I've ever known."

"I wouldn't be half that, if it weren't for you." She smiled. "Well, I mean, I'd still be beautiful, but…" He recognized the teasing tone in her voice and chuckled.

Pulling back, he kissed her forehead, "I love you, Juliet."

"I love you too, Romeo."

Spencer realized that Toby wasn't just a part of her life; he was her life. He understood her on a level that no one else did. He was there for her always, even when she tried to push him away. Their paths were now one tether string, unable to be separated. He was in her skin, in her soul, in her blood, in her veins.

She smiled as he kissed her gently, as is her lips were a delicate rose, capable of easy bruising. Even as the world fell to chaos around them, they'd always be there, standing strong, like a light in the dark. They rose together from the ashes, hand in hand, unable to be anything but what they already knew they were.

And, to Spencer, that was the definition of true love.

told you i'd update early!

ive been honestly wondering if this will be the last chapter i post of this story. lately i've been getting a lot of anon hate mail (not just in reviews, but in anon on tumblr) regarding this story. i delete a lot of it or dont respond to it, but that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt me. i write this story b/c i love to write, and i like putting my ideas to paper (or type, whichever). and i like constructive criticism, i do. but sometimes its just someone spewing hate about an opinion i have or how i write. honestly, if you want something written a certain way, then you write it yourself. really, i cant do what everyone wants me to all the time. sometimes i feel like no actually likes this story (b/c of all the hate mail), hence the reason i hope to get a goal of reviews by the end of a chapter. if i read people's positive feedback (from my lovely reviewers that are always sticking by me), it makes me feel like this story is worth completing. b/c honestly, it kind of hurts to put myself thru the pain of imagining my otp as a happy couple without toby being a, write it all down, and then have people hate on it. i dont know, maybe it's just me.

so i havent decided yet, but thank you to all of the people who have supported me. i love you all so, so much

-AJ