Chapter 38:

Taking All the Shattered Ones

By seven thirty at night, Aria's coffee from that morning had long since lost its heat. A milky film was starting to solidify over the top, and the cold mug sat clasped between her palms, her eyes focused aimlessly on the cloudy liquid.

It had been two days since Jason's death – 48 guilt-filled hours, endless ticks of the clock – and Aria had barely moved off of the couch.

Everything she thought about, she thought about Jason. How he trusted her, how he asked her not to tell Spencer about what had happened.

How she had paradoxically betrayed him by doing so.

In these past few months, Jason hadn't been the same. She'd seen it, but maybe had been just too preoccupied to do anything about it.

The door creaked open, and Ezra stepped in, fresh from work, and dappled with raindrops from the outside. "Hey, I tried to call and ask if you wanted me to pick up something for dinner – " He started, but stopped when he turned and saw her, frozen on the couch, clutching the mug of coffee in her hands.

"Oh, God, Aria." He dropped his briefcase and knelt before her in front of the couch, taking the mug from her and placing it on the coffee table. He wrapped his hands around hers. "How long have you been sitting here?"

She shook her head.

"Aria, I understand that it's been a shock but, – " He started.

"It's my fault, Ezra." She said softly, and she felt tears well up in her eyes.

The past two nights, Ezra had had to hold Aria while she cried herself to sleep, but he had just assumed that the grief was related to the loss of a friend, and the last bit she had of Alison.

This was something new, indeed.

"Aria, that can't possibly be true." Ezra said carefully, "What would ever possess you to think that?"

She shook her head again, and her chin started wobbling. "I knew that Jason was getting into drugs again. And he told me not to tell Spencer."

"Oh, Aria…"

"And I didn't." She continued, her voice shaking. Ezra squeezed her hands gently and bowed his head. "I did exactly what he asked me to, and he died because of it. If I had been smarter…"

"Aria." Ezra said seriously. He took her face in his hands and looked deeply into her eyes. "You were being a good friend. You had no idea this was going to happen. You cannot blame yourself for this."

"Then why do I feel so guilty?" She asked, her broken voice barely audible.

"Because you're one of the most compassionate souls on this planet." He replied. "You see things, you understand them, and you feel everything; it's not an uncommon thing to feel, Aria. Guilt and grief come from all sorts of things."

She nodded in understanding. She chocked softly on a sob and bowed her head, her face furrowed in sorrow. Ezra got up and sat beside her, pulling her into his arms, and gently rocking her until her delirium dissolved into quiet whimpers.

Melissa heard about Jason's death way later than she should've. It was right after she suspected her life couldn't get any more miserable.

After driving in a blind haze home from her doctor's appointment, she received the call from Spencer's cell phone. She'd expected it to be her sister, but Toby's voice reported the news to her on the other end. Her heart thudded to a stop and it was as if all the air had been vacuumed out of her lungs. She gasped for breath and hung up on Toby mid-sentence. Desperately, she swerved over to the side of the empty road, parking along the curb.

She still couldn't breathe. Her stomach – which was no longer harboring her child – was in knots.

First Wren. Then the baby. Now this.

She was so sick of people leaving her. Selfishly, she was angry, and not so much sad. She leaned her head on the steering wheel and heaved out a loud shriek of anger, followed by a chocked-back sob. One hand over her stomach, she opened the car door and got out of her car, beginning to walk aimlessly down the empty road. She left the car in the distance, not knowing where she was even going. From her fingers hung a sonogram of a child that was no longer living, a figment of her memory, just like Jason now was.

Melissa Hastings, who had dealt with death time and time again, was done. Completely and totally done. Given up, kicked to the wind, tired of life.

And, as she walked down the bare, vacant road, she left the rest of her life in her tracks.

Never before had sunlight felt so cold, thought Spencer, as the golden halo of light lay across her face. Toby hand, gentle and careful, continued to stroke from her hair all the way down her bare back, and then back up again. She knew he knew that she was awake. And she also knew that he knew that she didn't want to open her eyes.

The funeral was supposed to be that weekend, two days before the new semester started. It was Friday, meaning that she only had one day to prepare it.

It was safe to say she wasn't ready.

Of course, she knew she'd never be ready. After all, what kind of closure would she get if they barely even had a body to bury? The gory image made Spencer's skin crawl.

"Did you call Melissa?" She asked hoarsely.

"Yes." He replied. She'd gone to bed uncharacteristically early the previous night, and he was left to call Melissa by himself.

She nodded and curled her fingers deeper into his t-shirt.

"It's okay," He murmured, "you can cry."

She shook her head. "No." She said. "I don't think I have any tears left." He sat up and reached for her tank top beside the bed, pulling it over her head. He sat up and wrapped his arms around her thin body, pressing his lips against her shoulder.

"You're so strong," He murmured, "not a day goes by where I'm not in awe of you."

She snorted. "Yeah, okay."

"It's true." He said, pressing his face into her hair. "It's crazy how strong you are sometimes."

She smiled, feeling his heat, warming her in a way the sunlight couldn't.

"You make me that way." She said. "You give me a reason to be strong."

She felt him smiling against the back of her neck and she wrapped her arms around his.

"Hanna called for you." He said.

She nodded. "Okay. I'll call her after breakfast."

"So, is Caleb staying or going?" Spencer asked quietly over the brim of her mug.

Hanna shrugged. The sweat-clad blonde sat across from her, staring at her untouched mug of coffee. The two had barely spoken since Hanna's arrival, just sat at the table and glanced at one another.

"He's going, I think. I mean, he's signed up for the new semester." She shrugged again.

"And, uh, what about Will?"

Hanna shrugged yet again, and this time, Spencer was sure Hanna didn't have an answer.

"Are you going to end things with him?"

"I don't know."

"What about Caleb?"

"I love him. That's it."

"But he's leaving?"

"Yes."

"And where does that leave you?"

"Utterly alone and confused." Hanna sighed and picked up the mug.

Spencer gave a wry, bittersweet smile and sighed, too. "I'm sorry, Han."

"It's alright. It's all my fault, anyway." She said. "I care about, Will, too. And I know that he cares about me. He wants me to be happy. And he's given me a lot."

"He has." Spencer agreed.

"But Caleb…" She shook her head. "The whole thing gives me a headache."

"Me, too." Spencer replied honestly.

"Why does everything bad happen to us?" Hanna groaned miserably.

"I don't know, Han. I just don't know."

Strangers bring interesting guidance.

Not everyone knew that like Emily did. She'd received loads of help from random strangers throughout her life, in forms of advice or just self-confidence.

That night, as she sat, alone, on a barstool in Hollis Bar & Grill, she received yet another piece of help from a stranger. This time, it was in the shape of the bartender on duty that night.

"Why are you all alone?" The man asked. She looked up to see him standing behind the counter, wiping the surface of the table with a rag.

She blinked. He looked at her expectantly.

"Oh, all of my friends were busy tonight." She replied. She seemed to recognize him a bit, his bright, crooked smile, his wide brown eyes, his tousled dark hair. He must be a student at Hollis, she decided.

"And you downing Templeton Rye on the rocks means what?" He asked. She looked up and saw him arch his eyebrow, still wearing a smile.

"My best friend's brother just died. And nothing has been exactly working out for any of us recently."

"I'm sorry to hear that." He said, and he sounded like he actually meant it.

"And my girlfriend and I are kind of fighting. Not like anything serious, but I think we're just…getting to that part in our relationship."

"Again, I'm sorry." He replied empathetically. "It probably doesn't help that this music sucks." He motioned overhead, referring to an old song that Emily barely recognized, playing from the speakers.

She snorted. "It doesn't really matter."

"Oh yes it does." He insisted. "Music is the soundtrack to life, little miss." She smiled.

"What, are you in a band or something?"

"Or something." He grinned, reaching behind the counter to grab a glass. He grabbed the soda fountain hose and filled the cup to the brim with water, setting it in front of her. "Here, it'll help with the hangover you might be in for in the morning."

Emily laughed. "Okay, thanks."

"Here, you know what'll help you?"

"What?" She replied with a coy smile.

"Some actual music." He turned and disappeared behind the bar, stooping low. She leaned over the edge of the bar, curious as to what he was doing. When he stood up again, he had retrieved a filmy CD sleeve from beneath the bar. Handing it to her, he said, "Here you go."

"What's this?" She asked.

"A mix CD." He answered, as if it were obvious. "I made this one for my sister, but it looks like you might need it more."

"What will a mix CD do for me?" She asked, doubtfully.

"With that attitude, nothing. With an open mind, nearly everything." The bartender grinned, his dimple sinking into his cheek.

"Alright." She couldn't help smiling back. "I'll go home and listen to it, then."

"Good. Ditch the Scotch. You won't be making many good choices tomorrow if you're hungover." He winked.

Emily slipped the mix CD into her shoulder bag and slid off of the barstool. "Thank you." She smiled.

"I hope it helps." He waved as she headed for the door.

Already, Emily knew it would.

i know this chapter is a bit of a downer, but fear not! my next chapter will be much more in depth, etc, and will finally start tie up the story of will/hanna/caleb ;) sorry it took so long to update! i was without wifi in my vacation home all break!

live love spoby,

AJ