Hello everyone ,
To say this has been a hard few days is truly an understatement. I feel terrible that so many of you are angry at the last few chapters and hope you will forgive me for creating a Christian so many hate.
As for the reviews I have removed I am sorry but they were far to personally directed at me and not just my writing , which is obviously something I put a lot of work into and when it is called shitty I just don't see the point in me giving that person the satisfaction of being seen more than once. That might sound bitchy but its how I personally feel. Please if you feel that way about the story just stop reading , don't tell me because it just hurts.
Also I would like to apologise for not giving the DNA results as promised earlier on in this month but I have had a very difficult few months and it has affected my writing , this is not an excuse I know but please know I am sorry and I will try my absolute best to stay on track with updates.
I need to send a huge thank you to Cj , she knows why. Thankyou , a million times thankyou.
I seriously hope this chapter makes up for my crappy last few chapters and I win back your respect.
Also thank you to ladybug37 – I literally got your pm as I finished this chapter and it made me smile so much :D
Alexandra xxxxx
Christian's POV
I stand outside of Ana's room, as the doctors work to get her blood pressure under control and all I can think about is the devastation in her eyes and the venom in her voice as she told me to get the fuck away from her and out of her life. Before I could utter a word in reply, the heart rate monitors on her and blip started going crazy. Dr. Greene and my mother rushed into the room and Ana struggled to speak again, even as her body was wrecked with pain. My mother tried to calm her, as I just stood frozen to the spot at the foot of her bed. She looked to my mother and took her hand pulling her close to her face. She spoke quietly, but her voice was filled with anger as she looked to me and told my mother she wanted me out of her sight. My mother's face filled with confusion, but she nodded in agreement and told me that I needed to leave so they could take care of Ana and the baby. As I walked out of that room, I swear I could feel my heart shatter.
Please let her be okay, please let her be okay, please let her be okay. I can't think anything else except this simple but deeply important mantra. Nothing else matters without Ana, nothing in this world is more important than her.
And yet I've broken her heart. I could see it in her eyes. I've taken her heart and callously smashed it into tiny little pieces, all because I was too stupid to stop and think about how my drama was affecting her. Not once did I think about how meeting Victoria would affect Ana , not once did I stop to think about Esmee and what it would be like for Ana to watch me spending time with another women. This, all of this, is my fault.
My wife is lying in a hospital bed desperately fighting for hers and my son's life and it's my fault. If she dies it will be on my hands. The truth dawns on me and I place my head in my hands and let the tears I've been holding back fall freely, feeling my whole body shudder as I sob.
"Christian? Are you crying?" my mother's soft concerned voice makes me feel even worse and I keep my head in my hands, too ashamed to even look at her. I flinch slightly when I feel her hand on my shoulder, she must have crouched down beside me but I still can't look up.
"Dr Trevelyan-Grey can we speak with Christian alone for a moment please" I look up , tears staining my cheeks , and see both Taylor and Sawyer approaching me , their faces show their disgust at me and my heart sinks at just how much effect my behaviour has had on the people closest to me. My mother meets my eyes , a look which I know is asking if I'll be okay on my own , I nod and she stands gracefully , shooting a look at Sawyer and Taylor before moving back down towards Ana's hospital room . I stand suddenly and run after her , ignoring the surprised looks of my security team as I take my mother in my arms and hold her , soaking her doctors coat with my tears when I feel her arms encasing me.
"I'm sorry I've let you down Mom" never have I spoken to my mother in this way and I can see the deep surprise in her eyes, the softest of smiles on her lips.
"You haven't Christian, and you never will" oh if only she knew what I'd done. Knew how I have treated Ana so terribly that she might never love me again. How I've sacrificed everything for something I don't even know is true or a lie. I've never acted so irrationally and my mother would be so disappointed if she were to find out. But then I deserve her disgust and disappointment, I deserve every single persons hate. Because I too hate myself right now. I hear Taylor clear his throat behind me and shoot him a stern look, yes I understand he's angry but I am still his boss.
"Tell Ana I love her, I know you said for me to give her some space after her blood pressure spike but I need to be there for the delivery of my son" she nods, but her eyes aren't looking at me and I get a shiver of fear. Would Ana really ask for me to not be at the birth of our first child? Does she hate me that much?
Of course she does Grey, she thinks you picked Esmeralda and Victoria; she probably never wants to see your pathetic cheating face ever again. You've lost your entire family you stupid fucked up man
My subconscious spits out these words inside my head and I have to close my eyes to stop more tears falling. I never thought I'd fail so much in such a small amount of time. How could I have been so stupid?
"I'll tell her but she's hurting Christian, she hasn't told me why, but whatever's happened has caused massive stress for Ana and her blood pressure has spiked dangerously out of control. They've given her IV meds and a mild sedative to help regulate her blood pressure before delivery but she'll be asleep for a good 2 hours before the baby can be safely delivered, . You need to be prepared for the fact that she may choose for you not to be there. It's her choice" I nod my understanding and stare at the floor, my expensive Italian leather shoes seem to mock me even when I try so hard to be a better man I fail , I don't deserve what I've been given and I especially don't deserve a love like Ana.
"Mr Grey, we really do need to talk with you" Sawyer's voice is laced with a deep disgust, making me remember the look on his face when he walked into Esmee's apartment with Ana. How could I have acted like that with her when I knew Ana would be looking for me! What the hell was going through my head?
I give them a quick nod and kiss my mother's check softly, relishing in the tight hold she has on my hand, squeezing back just as hard. We break apart and she wipes the tears from my eyes , smiling a soft motherly smile , then walks through the thick wood doors. I take a deep breath , smooth down my shirt and walk back towards the two men I trust with mine and my families lives , although right now I'm not so sure they'd jump in front of a bullet for me.
"What can I do for you both?" I stay standing , my height being the only thing I have over these men.
"Sit down Grey" Sawyer seems to be the most pissed off of the two , his eyes are filled with hate and his brows are narrowed with anger. I try to stare him down but he doesn't give in and I end up looking at the floor.
"Mr Sawyer I'd like to remind you that you are still my employee and therefore I am to be spoken to with respect" I meet his eyes with force , expecting to see a cowering man , but he's not scared at all. In fact he's smiling , a cocky arrogant looking smile.
"Then take this as my notice to quit" out of nowhere I feel his fist smashing against my cheek , my eyes darken for a second and when they open I am sprawled on the floor , my head throbbing. Sawyer is stood above me; Taylor is sat on a hospital chair staring at the wall opposite.
"What the fuck was that for?" Sawyer's eyes darken once more and I see his fist rise above his head and find myself blocking any further violence, however Taylor stops him with a wave of his hand, I sigh in relief as Sawyer lowers his fist.
"One's enough Luke. Get off the floor Christian, we need to have a chat about you and Esmee" I struggle to my feet, narrowing my eyes at Sawyer as I take the seat next to Taylor.
"I don't really see what any of this has to do with you Jason I mean this is my family and…"
"Oh shut the fuck up Grey!" I jump in my seat at the venom in his voice. Never has Taylor spoken to me with such disrespect , he's seen me at my lowest and yet he's always been there for me , even if we never actually spoke about our relationship I've always considered him more family then an employee. I go to argue back but the pained look in his old eyes tells me it's not anger he's feeling towards me but more disappointment, like that of my mothers, strangely I wish it was anger. I could deal with his anger but not his disappointment.
"I know your disappointed with me, disgusted even, and trust me I completely agree that my actions were completely way out of line. I wish I could tell you why I did what I did, I can promise you that I never ever meant to treat Esmee the way I did, at first I was furious with her, hated the fact that she'd come out of nowhere and was going to threaten a life I'd worked so hard for and loved with all my heart but.." I trail off with a sigh and run a hand through my hair, lost for words on how to describe the hideous way I behaved.
"But what Grey? Was Ana not good enough for you anymore? Do you even realise how fucking lucky you are to have a woman like that be yours? A woman most men would give up heaven and hell to be with, and she loves you even though you act like a fucking psycho! Explain what the hell is wrong with you because right now all I am seeing is a pathetic excuse for a man!" I hang my head in shame and let Sawyer have his say , his words stabbing at my already sore body and mind.
"Luke enough" Taylor's voice of understanding rings out and I look up , hoping to see his forgiving eyes . But he's looking away from me , staring at a foam coffee cup in his hands "he won't listen , he never listens" finally he meets my eyes "do you Christian?"
"What do I have to do to make her love me again?" I know he's talking about Ana when he says I never listen , and what hurts the most is he's telling the truth , I don't listen to her. I always think I know best and look where that's got me , I underestimated my wife and now I've lost her.
"Get a DNA test for starters" spits out Sawyer and I glance at Taylor , he doesn't look at me but he does nod in agreement.
"Done" they both jump in surprise and stare at me. I nod to affirm my answer and am relieved to see the anger in Sawyers eyes lessen slightly "then what?"
"That Christian is down to Ana . She's a strong young woman but this has broken her more than I can begin to describe. You're going to have to fight , and I mean fight , to get her to let you back in her life. And I don't care how angry you get , or how upset she makes you with her bluntness and dismissive words , you are in the wrong and she dam well will make you know it" I nod at Taylor's explanation , desperately hoping my heart will continue beating because right now I feel like dying with sadness.
"I deserve her anger" Sawyer laughs condescendingly , leaning against the wall with one leg propped up.
"Dam straight you do , if I were her I'd leave your sorry arse. She's so much better than you Grey , I bloody well hope you realise that one day" I stand up in anger and bunch my fists up.
"I do know it Sawyer. She's the most incredible woman I've ever met , she makes me smile more than anyone else and when I feel down she is the person I go to because just by looking at her sweet beautiful smile my problems disappear. Ana is the never-ending light in my endless darkness , the sweet taste in my bitter palette , the sun to my universe and the home for my heart. So don't you dare say I don't know that I don't deserve the diamond that I process because I know more than any man how blessed I am to wake up to her smile every morning and I will do everything I can , give up everything else I have to win her back , because nothing , nothing at all , matters without her. Understand?" I take a deep breath. Sawyer isn't angry anymore , instead he's got a smile on his face , but it's not cocky or arrogant this time , it looks almost like a smile of pride , pride towards me.
"There you are , thought we'd lost you for a bit there" Taylor stands behind me and I turn to face him , started to see he too is smiling.
"What the hell are you talking about Jason?" Sawyers laugh makes me jump and I step back cautiously. Taylor walks towards me and places his hand on my shoulder.
"I knew if we pushed you hard enough you'd stop being so miserable with your victim act and start fighting for what you want. You needed to realise your wrong doing and get the motivation to right those wrongs" I feel Sawyers hand on my shoulder as well and suddenly I'm laughing , tears are once again running down my cheeks but I don't care. Taylor laughs kindly and we embrace , something I never ever thought I'd do. He breaks apart and once again his eyes are stern , but not menacing.
"Listen Christian this is not us forgiving you , not for a long shot , but we know you are a good man but you have acted like a complete and utter arsehole and you have a long hard journey ahead of you to get your life back to what it was. But that young woman is worth it" I nod and wipe my tears away.
"Now go get a DNA test. We need to find out for sure who Victoria's father is" Sawyer starts walking away , Taylor following , but my feet are pinned to the floor. They notice I'm not following and turn to face me , confusion clouding their faces "what's the matter now?"
"Are you telling me that she's not mine?" Taylors head falls in shame and Sawyer rubs his forehead.
"Esmeralda is with Victoria , go talk with her Christian" I nod and walk towards the room Victoria was admitted to when we brought her in , a room I didn't enter because I saw Ana. I didn't even check in to see if her operation went okay.
Esmeralda's POV
My head is hurting so much I think I may have developed a permanent migraine , that's what crying for 2 hours straight will do to a mother, that and being told your 7 year old daughter has been shot by a psycho women and requires a bloody transfusion or she will die.
That's what my day has consisted of and now as I watch my daughters chest rising and falling as she sleeps I just know it's going to get worse , especially when the man I love enters the room looking sick with stress and sorrow.
"Esmee is Victoria my daughter?" his blunt question cuts my heart and I have to look away from his as more tears spill from my eyes , my hand tightening around Tori's small one.
"Christian I…" he cuts me off with a raise of his hand.
"Yes or no Esmeralda" my tears chock me and I have to gulp back air , clamping my eyes closed as I try to calm my inside turmoil.
"I don't know" he shudders violently and my heart breaks for him a million times over. I did this to him , I made him choose , unconsciously of course , I made him feel guilty that he wasn't spending time with Tori , I lied to him saying I knew he was the father when there is doubt in my mind. I've made him treat his wife like second best because I wanted him , I wanted him so much that I didn't care who got hurt. But lots of people have been hurt , and my daughter is one of them, making me the world's worst mother.
"I want a DNA test , right here right now" he's eyes never meet mine , instead they are locked on Tori's weak body , the bandage around her body which is covering her wound seems to have him transfixed.
"Christian please let me explain…" I stand and try to go towards him but he steps back , his eyes dead of emotion.
"Now Esmeralda" I sink back into my chair and nod softly , feeling my tears well up inside my eyes.
The door of the room closes with a thud and I can hear Christian yelling for a doctor , the staffs responds to his shouts with a calm attitude but the second they hear his name everything changes , suddenly there is no waiting list for a doctor.
Seconds later Dr Green in beside me and Victoria , taking samples from Tori before wandering over to Christian and taking the same from him , she then nods that her work is done and tells us we will have the result within the next half an hour. I thank her , as does Christian , then I watches her leave.
"I have to go , Ana needs me" Christian turns to leave and I build up all my courage to speak the words I've been dying to say since we reunited.
"I'm still in love with you Christian , I've always been in love with you , ever since that first session" I don't look at him , to scared that I will have to witness his rejection.
"I know but I don't love you Esmee. I love one woman and I will love her for the rest of my life. I'm sorry if I made you think differently during our time recently. It was never my intention to lead you on , I love my wife. , I have no excuse for my appalling behaviour and now I am paying the ultimate price for it. Know this though.." his voice trails off and I can sense the unspoken command to look at him , I do and gasp at the serious look in his eyes "Victoria is a wonderful child and you should be proud to call her your daughter but if she's not mine then you need to find the man who is and tell them soon before she gets attached to the wrong man" and there it is. The thing I've been regretting since I first sent the note , there is the look of regret I knew would come.
He wishes he'd never met her.
"Christian!" the dead silence of the small room is broken by a petite woman with short brown hair bursting into the room , her eyes shining with an almost scared emotion.
"Mia be quiet will you , a child is sleeping in here" his words sound like he cares but looking at his stance and closed off expression its merely him being irritated at this women's rudeness and not the fear that Tori may be woken up.
"It's Ana Christian! She's bleeding really heavily , their going to take her to surgery for an emergency C section!" all the colour drains from Christian's face and I can see him visibly wobbly on his feet , his hand pressing against his forehead in deep fear , a barely audible no escaping his lips. Within seconds he's disappeared out the door and I'm left alone holding the hand of my brave little girl. I pick her hand up and kiss the soft skin , remembering how small they were when she was born , how fragile I thought she was back then.
"I'm sorry my brave little princess , I've failed you in so many ways. I pray one day you'll forgive me" I give up holding back my tears and instead let them fall freely.
Christian's POV
Mia and I reach Ana's room just in time for me to see her being wheeled away , her small body is covered with nearly a thousand wires and I have to clutch my stomach to stop myself throwing up the contents of my stomach. I steady my breathing and go to follow her bed as it's wheeled through to surgery , only to be stopped by my mother.
"She said no Christian" the pain in her eyes knocks me back slightly and I stare as Ana is wheeled out of sight.
"NO! No I have to be there with her Mom! Please , please don't make me miss the birth of my son" my voice breaks with my sorrow and I can feel my knees desperately trying to hold themselves together as my body slowly starts to close in on itself.
"I'm sorry Christian but I have to respect her wishes, please don't argue this son , and there is no changing her mind" my heart breaks for the thousandth time and I bunch my shoulders up in pain , feeling the twinge in my chest ripping through me.
"Is there no way I can be there? Please Mom I need to see him come into this world" I plead with her and it hurts to see how much she wishes she could help me , but her loyalty to Ana is what I love about her right now. I deserve this suffering , even though it's killing me to endure it.
"You can observe the operation from the viewing room , but you must promise me that you will stay there and not leave until I come and get you. Respect Ana's choice and do as you are told" I know from other nights at the hospital with my mother that the viewing room is situated slightly above the surgery table and will give me a Birdseye view of the delivery , I won't be there to hold my son but I will see his first blink of this new world.
"Yes , I'll take whatever I can get right now" I notice Mia and Elliott walking towards me and suddenly my siblings are hugging me , then Elliott steps back and punches my shoulder painfully hard.
"You really fucked up Bro , and I mean big time fuck up" I smile and nod softly , battling once more with the tears that are dying to be free. I can see its taking a lot for my brother not to punch the living daylights out of me right now , I know that if he ever did what I've done to someone I considered a sister he would have two black eyes and few broken ribs right now.
My mother takes my hand and we walk to the viewing room in silence , I can hear every step she makes with her heels on the marble floor and I fight back the memory of Ana testing out her very unflattering pregnancy shoes , oh how we laughed at those hideous looking things ,
"Baby they look fine honestly" I watch with an amused grin as Ana walks the length of our bedroom in her tailored pregnancy shoes , or her old man slippers as she's cutely nicknamed them. I'm sat up in bed , our breakfast try discarded next to me , smiling at the beauty who is now studying her right foot with dramatic disgust.
"They look terrible Christian , I can't wear these out in public , people who sprain their ankle and have to wear those weird ankle support boot things look better than I do in these" she lifts her leg and turns her ankle to the left , an angle which shows the strange drawings which have been drawn onto the "fashionable" shoe, although she doesn't calculate the weight distribution of foot to baby bump and ends up falling backwards , her body hitting the bouncy comfort of our king-size bed , causing me to burst out in laughter.
"Hey this is the part where my dashing husband comes to make sure I'm okay , not where he laughs himself into a mini coma" her words sound stern but the cute giggle at the end both shows me she's kidding and makes my heart warm with love , oh how I love that giggle.
I jump off the bed and scoop her up in my arms , smiling as she giggles even more "oh I'm sorry Mrs Grey , did I have a script for today or something?" she sticks her tongue out at me playfully and I seal my lips over hers , smiling as she melts into my arms.
We break apart eventually , our arms still wrapped around each other , before we notice the shoes which were on her feet have somehow miraculously fallen to the floor. Our eyes meet and there's a delicious playful lust in her eyes , a look I know I am giving right back.
"Oh no Mr Grey I seem to have lost my shoes" I kiss her again and lay her down on our bed , moving on top of her and pushing the soft silk of her nightie up her gorgeous body.
"Well then Mrs Grey we might as well get rid of the rest of your clothing , it seems unfair to leave your gorgeous shoes alone on the floor" she giggles then moans as I capture the skin of her neck between my lips and suck softly , my hands now fully exploring her body.
"Christian, we've arrived" my mother's voice brings me out of my daydream and I enter the clinical looking room , gasping when I see the sight below me.
Ana is unconscious on the table , a blue sheet covers her lower body while a doctor preps her for the C-section. The worst sight however is the small metal table containing numerous metal medical instruments which all look like they could inflict a lot of pain , pain which my poor Ana is going to endure.
"Would you like me to leave you be?" I turn towards the door and shake my head , feeling my mother's arms on my arms , gently rocking me as we watch the surgeon begin the operation , reaching for a sharp knife which I know will leave a scare which Ana will never be able to forget she has , it will be a constant reminder of my failure , a constant permanent mark of my 50 shades and the damage they can cause on the people I love. The thought makes me feel sick and I have to sit down.
"Christian talk to me , let me help you" it's then I notice how tightly I am gripping my mother's hand, I look up and meet her sad concerned eyes. I don't know why but I start talking , telling her everything. I tell her about the note and Esmee's plea for me to meet with Victoria , noticing how she flinches at the fact I've been lying to her for years about the women in my life , I carry on without letting her ask questions , not letting myself chicken out of telling the truth. Once I finish I can barely look at her , the shame of what I've told her has hit me like a ton of bricks , instead I keep my eyes on Ana's life machine , watching the steadying beeps which tell me she's still with me , still fighting through this nightmare.
"Oh Christian , how could you let this happen?" I shake my head in response and stand from my chair , too scared to look her in case she's shamed by me.
"I don't know what came over me , I just didn't think and now I've fucked up my entire world" I bash my head against the hard glass , relishing in the sharp pain it causes.
"Have you had the results from the DNA test yet?" I shake my head no and bash my head again , harder this time.
"Half an hour , although I wish they could have told me there and then , this waiting around is killing me. I need the truth , is that really so much to ask of people" once again I smash my head against the glass , just as the surgeon makes the first incision. I feel my body being pulled away from the glass as blood spills from Ana's body , the sight alone makes me want to die.
"Christian please stop doing that , you are not the injured party here. Ana is" we both stare down at the surgery table just as a tiny pink body is lifted away from Ana , everyone is moving quickly as beepers start going crazy , my heart beat does the same and my mother's arm is wrapped around me stopping me from collapsing.
"What's going on? Why are they taking him away!" I race for the door but my mom beats me and blocks me from exiting. I stare down at her with my full ferocity , but she doesn't budge.
"He's too weak to survive on his own Christian , he's three months premature. He'll need to be put into an incubator until he learns to use his own lungs. Breath son , please" I lift my fist and she flinches beneath me as I bash it against the wall , cracking the plaster slightly.
"Let me go to her , let me go help. Mom please!" she shakes her head and I slam my fist against the wall again.
"Ana doesn't want you right now Christian! She's too weak and needs to rest!" never has my mother shouted at me and I stumble back in shock at her anger. She opens the door but I remain still , doing as she says "I will come for you when Ana is ready , until then go and get your DNA results , and let us pray for some good news" and with that she slams the door behind her and leaves me alone.
I rush to the glass wall , watching as Ana is cleaned up and taken away from the surgery room. My heart follows her much further than my eyes do. Tears fall as the surgery lights switch off , plunging the viewing room into darkness as well.
The walk back too Victoria's room takes me longer than it did before , my body doesn't want to move anymore , it wants to give up and pretend none of this is happening , it wants to go home and be with my Ana and my new born baby boy , preparing for a life full of love and happiness , a life I never knew could exist until I met Ana.
I spot Dr Green entering Victoria's room and speed up , my tired limbs strain against the sudden burst in energy but I don't care , I am moments away from finding out if I really have lost everything that's ever meant anything to me because of a lie.
I smash through the door and notice Esmee crying , Dr Green is beside her as Esmee reads a piece of paper.
"Well?" Esmee looks up , her eyes are red with tears and a part of me already knows the answer.
"I'm so sorry Christian" she hands me the piece of paper.
"She's not my daughter"