Hello to my lovely , loyal , readers.

I am once again so sorry for the stupidly long wait for this update but I have been moving back home from uni and internet has been extremely hard to find.

I am currently writing in Mykanos Greece so the next chapter may be influenced a little by my holiday hehe I hope you all don't mind.

Anyway I do have wifi here and plenty of time to write while sunbathing so I shall try and get more updates to you throughout the week , however I may fall asleep a lot but I shall try not too hehe

As always please respect that I am not a professional writer and this is my first story , reviews and follows are always appreciated.

Alexandra xxx

Anastasia's Pov

"Ana? Anastasia, can you hear me?" a soft, almost melodic voice calls me and I sleepily open my eyes, blinking in the bright sunlight that has sneaked its way through the curtains into my small hospital room.

"Mom?" my voice is like a whisper, full of tiredness and confusion.

"It's Grace dear, your mother is on her way through and she should be landing within the hour. How are you feeling? Any aches or pains?" I shake my head in response but she's already examining my entire body, searching for any bruising or reactions which I may have endured during my surgery.

"Where's my baby Grace?" she stops examining my stomach, which does have a lot of bruising and is lined with a huge scar, and looks up at me. Warm but sad eyes meet mine and I have to gulp back my fear, automatically thinking the worst as per usual.

"He's weak Ana, but he's alive and he's gorgeous" the fact that he's weak makes me feel sick; my new born baby should be healthy and happy. It's because he's been born so early I know but there is a part of me that thinks it's my fault he's weak, because he has a weak mother.

"When can I see him, can you bring him to me?" she sits down beside me and takes my hand, her eyes are still warm but now concern and even a look of guilt fill them.

"Your weak as well Ana, we can't risk you holding him just in case…" she trails off but I finish the sentence for her.

"Just in case I drop him" she looks up quickly and shakes her head.

"No Ana, we know you would never drop him but it's just too much of a risk, you need to rest, and so does your baby" she takes my hand and I nod in understanding , secretly I don't care if she thinks I'm too weak , my baby needs me.

"What's his name?" Christian and I haven't had the chance to talk baby names, the drama with Esmee and Tori took his attention away from our baby.

"He hasn't got one yet, the nurses are calling him Baby Grey at the moment, and it suits him. He looks like Christian already" she smiles in Grandmother Pride and a huge wave of happiness washes over me, my baby may have been brought into this world due to stress and anger but he will live in a world where people will love him. I realise then that Christian must have been at the hospital when I went into surgery, has he already held Baby Grey?

"Is Christian here?" Grace , who had been looking at my chart after moving from my bedside , places the clipboard back in its holder at the end of my bed and nods softly , holding a hand to her head in motherly worry.

"He hasn't left since you were admitted Ana, he just sits in the waiting area looking at Baby Grey. I've tried to get him to go home and shower and sleep but he refuses , I just don't know what to do to help him" unfortunately Grace's words make me sad , I hate in when Christian is lost , especially when I know it's me who can make him feel better. But right now there's a big part of me that wants him to suffer, no make that needs to make him suffer, because this is his fault.

I know it sounds unfair but when I think about it , and I have thought about it a lot since my surgery , none of this would have happened if he had just spoken to me , told me how close he was getting to Esmee, I would have been able to help. How I would have done that I don't know but he never even gave me the chance , he just shut me out and made me feel like a useless little wife he didn't care about. He hurt me and now I have the chance to make him realise his mistakes, and if that makes me a bitch then so be it.

"Ana I know what Christian did hurt you, and I know it will take you a while to forgive him but please don't leave him , he needs you , and I know your hurting right now but I think you know how much you need him. You two are meant for each other and Baby Grey will help you two get over this. Yes it will be hard, and at times you will remember what he's done and want to run as far away as you can, but fight that urge for your family, because If you run away now you will never stop, and it will ruin you" I nod softly but don't respond, too many emotions are running through me, stopping me from thinking straight. I'm suddenly overwhelmed my tiredness and snuggle back into my pillows, feeling Grace rearrange my wires of medication and tucking my blankets around me tightly. She gently kisses my forehead and squeezes my hand as my eyes start to close, the last thing I see is her smile before allowing my tired eyes to close fully.

When I awake later on the room is dark, raised voices can be heard from outside and I sit up to try and hear what is being said.

"Let me in Mother" Christian! My heart starts beating frantically and I have to take a few deep breaths to calm myself. Don't let him in, please Grace don't let him in I repeat this over and over again , praying somehow that Grace will be able to hear me , how I expect her to hear my thoughts I don't know but I can't seem to stop my mind mantra.

"Christian please, go home and get some sleep" Grace's voice is firm and strong but I can imagine how hard this must be for her, especially since I can also imagine how broken Christian must be looking right now. Any mother would want to help their son, and to say no to them when you know that you're probably making them even more upset, must be heart-breaking for her.

"I can sleep later! I need to talk to her! It's imperative that I talk to her!" I can practically feel his desperation in his words; it's like a dagger to my heart hearing how desolate he really is feeling because of this.

"Christian you know I can't let you in, we spoke about this, Ana is still too weak!" authority rips through Grace's voice and I can't help but smile at how strong she really is , I can see where Christian has got his sternness from. A large bang startles me slightly and I stare at the door as it swings open, Grace's annoyed shouts following Christian as he strides over to my bedside, he's both angry and sad.

"CHRISTIAN GREY I SAID NO!" Grace is beside him as he stares down at me, tears fill his eyes but his fists are clenched, his body and mind are at war with each other it would seem.

"Hello Christian" I'm amazed at how calm I sound, my heart however isn't as calm and a little red light alerts Grace's attention from her angry son.

"Ana your blood pressure has spiked , Christian calm the hell down now before you cause more pain to poor Ana" I suddenly feel a tightness in my chest and place my hand over it to try and sooth the pain , it doesn't work and I glance at Grace's concerned face.

"Christian now!" his mother's words knock him out of his anger daze and he shakes his head before running a frustrated hand through his hair , which is obviously very greasy as it stands up in numerous directions when he removes his hand.

"I'm sorry" his voice is bleak, almost dead. The grey of his eyes is no longer shinny and full of life, they too are dead.

"I know" he doesn't move , just stands at the side of my bed staring at me , as if he can't believe I' m really alive. Which I guess is understandable considering the high risks my surgery had.

"No Ana you don't understand. I really am sorry. I'm sorry for everything" it's scary how long it's been since he's moved , his body is so still , as if he's completely frozen with emotion.

"Christian I know, but Grace is right, you can't be here right now. We do have to talk but I'm not ready" his eyes cloud over with sadness and he unclenches his fists, his tear filled eyes release and his cheeks become soaked.

"Christian no not now" Grace is beside him in seconds , leading him away from me , my heart screams at me to follow him or at least call him back to me , but my head says no , tells me to be strong and make him feel this pain he so needs to understand. So I stay silent and watch a broken man walk away. I'm just about to let myself cry to when he stops and turns towards me, I hold my breath.

"We have a son, did they tell you?" hope fills his body like a gas and he suddenly looks more alive.

"Yes, Grace told me he's gorgeous" I smile softly but it's a polite smile, the kind you give an old teacher you had years ago and don't really remember when passing them in the street.

"He's perfect" he smiles and it's like I can see the young man he is yearning to come out and rejoice with me in our new-borns arrival, but he can't because I won't let him. He drops his smile and looks back up at me "he needs a name, I wanted us to do it together" I bite my lip and shake my head. To say he looks even more broken sounds impossible but I think that line breaks him the most, his eyes close and his body shakes in despair "I understand, I am sure whatever name you choose will suit him wonderfully, he is extremely lucky to have you as his mother. I'm told he looks like me but I keep wishing for him to look like you"

"You haven't seen him yet?" he shakes his head slowly, Grace places her hand on his shoulder and he sends her a small smile in thanks.

"Only through the nursery window" he pauses and meets my eyes, the light grey pools make my heart beat increase but I push my longing away and focus on his words instead "I want you to hold him first" he says softly, almost whispering privately to me.

"Thank you Christian" he nods quickly and turns back towards the door; Grace is waiting for him and places an arm around his shoulder in soft comfort. I close my eyes as I hear the door click as it closes behind them.

The next few days sees me having to endure numerous tests and injections , all of which are to see just how far I'm coming in my recovery , if you ask me it's a huge waste of time , time I could be spending with my little boy. I still haven't seen him and the longing I have to hold him is physically killing me, I sit for hours in my bed imaging how he looks, hoping he has my hair and Christian eyes. I even wonder what he will smell like, which sounds odd I know but it's what I do to pass the time when I'm alone, I think of my son and he cheers me up.

I haven't heard from Christian since I woke up , but that doesn't mean he's left me alone , instead he's been to every nurse and doctor and made sure they are taking care of me properly , even making sure the hospital provides my favourite foods and when I'm taken down for baths I am given my usual brands of cosmetics. He's also had me moved to a bigger room fitted with a large window and a flat screen TV, something I'm guessing he's personally brought for this room. It's all very sweet of him but I can't help but feel like he's just throwing money at this to try and solve our problems , which is what he's done his whole life , but I need more than just material stuff, I need him to understand why I am the way I am. Is that really so much to ask?

"Ana?" I look up from my bed and instantly smile as I spot Kate and Elliott waiting at the doorway to my room "can we come in?" I nod frantically and she practically runs to my bedside, clutching me to her chest in a tight embrace.

"Ouch! Kate can't breathe, can't breathe" she releases me instantly and clutches her hands to her chest apologetically.

"Opps sorry Ana, got a little carried away, forgot my own strength" I shake my head playfully and roll my eyes in pretend exasperation.

"Oh what are you like" she shrugs her small shoulders and I giggle, watching as she sits down elegantly in the armchair. Elliott leans over me and kisses my cheek softly, smiling as he pulls back.

"You alright Ana?" I smile and nod softly. He's dressed very smart in a dark grey suit, white shirt and a black tie, his hair is gelled back handsomely and his wrist holds a big expensive watch. Kate too is dressed very formally in a stunning black strapless dress with a delicate peal neck decoration and a soft silver cardigan , her hair is also perfectly curled and her makeup flawless.

"Have you two just come from a wedding or something?" my question makes them both freeze and Kate looks up at Elliott with an awkward expression, it's as if she's asking permission to tell me something, I instantly start worrying "what's wrong?" she looks away from me and takes a deep breath, her eyes are troubled and there is obvious tension in her shoulders as she turns back to look at me.

"We've just returned from a funeral Ana" instant tears spring to my eyes as a list of people I love comes to my head and I imagine them dying.

"Who's?" she takes a deep breath in pause but I push her to tell me straight away "tell me Kate"

"Jose's"