Chapter Twenty-Four, I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

Waking up was strange. Inhaling air with her own physical lungs was bizarre. It felt as though she had been underground for an eternity, living in a place where there was no real oxygen to inhale; only smoke, brimstone and frosty air. Everything about Hell was painful. This air was soothing, gentle and painless as it comforted her battered lungs.

Seeing greenery was like a dream come true.

A part of her wanted to cry but she couldn't. Crying was… it was like a memory she no longer had. Something she had… forgotten how to do, it seemed. Her eyes stung, but nothing came to them.

A hand was shoved in front of her face and two men hauled her to her feet. She offered them weak smiles, shuffling along after them. Hell was a place of physicality without physical movement; for all intents and purposes she hadn't walked in a year. In a hundred, even.

"Alyssa," Crowley purred reassuringly. "Welcome to the topside. Don't forget our bargain."

Castiel glanced at her, nodding sagely.

That was her name, wasn't it? Alyssa… Alyssa Jones.

"Never, Crowley," she replied awkwardly, stumbling over her words and her tongue.

How long had it been since she spoke? Maybe since Adam… before Adam succumbed to his silent insanity. She had screamed, wordlessly. Countless times. Words seemed foreign and distant now, so tasteless and awkward. She suppressed a shudder, tripping over her feet as she clumsily followed after the angel and the demon.

She stared down at her body. Her skin was there, healthy and…

Alyssa frowned, troubled. She had more memories of charred, blackened skin than she did of healthy clear skin. She could remember seeing the muscle beneath. She could feel it. But those thoughts would… if she thought too much about it, the memories would tear her apart.

Kat hated her job. For a lot of reasons. Mainly because of her boss. The arrogant prick. Going back home was an interesting drive as she restrained herself from blaring her horn at the little old lady who was content to dawdle the whole way home. But she managed. What she wasn't expecting to see when she got home was the unfamiliar car in their drive way. Dean never brought work home with him –at least, not mechanical work. And while Sam was considering getting himself a car, he hadn't yet decided on it last she heard. And the car currently parked in front of their house didn't exactly scream Sam. It was a little on the older side, a little too beat up and rusted to be something to catch Sam's eye. He would probably go for something newer and little fancier even if it wasn't brand new.

Kat got out cautiously, going inside. What she saw was unbelievable. An angel, a demon, two hunters and a dead woman. It was like the start to a bad joke. A very bad joke.

Dean had his knife out, his eyes glancing warily between their house guests. Sam had his gun out, hands shaking as his gaze was firmly locked on Alyssa. But she seemed a lot more corporeal than a ghost, and she seemed to be doing more breathing than a dead woman would. Alyssa offered a faltering smile to Kat, shifting her weight slightly as though she was prepared to fight Kat if necessary. Castiel moved to stand at Alyssa's side as he watched the humans cautiously. Crowley shook his head apathetically, keeping out of the way. Which was entirely too suspicious for Kat's liking –she reached for her one of her knives, wishing that she could afford to take a gun to her workplace.

"What the hell's going on?" Kat asked, her eyes sweeping over Alyssa carefully. The other woman didn't look hurt; she appeared to be in perfect health. But Kat knew better than to search for physical scars as she tracked the unfamiliar darkness in Alyssa's eyes. She was torn between wanting to make sure that Alyssa was unharmed and the dreading fear that her friend might not be human anymore.

"It's really me," Alyssa said confidently, her smile wavering slightly. She slowly extended her arm toward Dean. "It's silver right? Try me."

Dean didn't hesitate. Alyssa didn't scream or cry out or hell, even flinch at the cut.

Kat looked on worriedly, watching Alyssa's reaction carefully. She wasn't sure what would be worse; her friend coming back as a shapeshifter or some other monster that they would have to kill; or her friend no longer being the same woman. Which was all too likely to happen. Dean wasn't the same anymore and he had been in Hell for a lot shorter of a stay than Alyssa had. Dean stepped back and there was a tension in the air, palpable and suffocating –she wasn't a lookalike then. Was she a demon? The fact that Crowley was here had to mean something and whatever it meant couldn't be a good thing –but Cas was here too. Maybe he felt responsible for Alyssa's swan dive?

Alyssa turned to Sam. "You can try holy water if you want, but I would think these two would recognize a demon when they saw one." She grinned weakly, glancing toward the angel at her side.

"It is her," Castiel volunteered.

"Brought her from the pits of hell meself," Crowley drawled. "Don't know why you felt the need to cut the poor birdie, she just left all that behind." He smiled cruelly at Dean.

"I'm not going to break apart," Alyssa snapped, shooting a glower at the demon.

"It's been a year Alyssa," Dean offered quietly, watching her suspiciously. "That's what, a hundred years to you? A hundred years in the pit? With Lucifer himself and you're telling me you're fine?"

"No. I'm saying I won't break," she countered briskly. "Not that I'm fine." She repressed a shudder, glancing at her feet as she rubbed her arms. "I'm as far from fine as I can be."

"But you-you're back," Sam stammered. "You're really here." He took a half step towards her, his arm wavering as he lowered his gun.

"The cage wasn't meant to hold human souls," Castiel stated. "It was meant to hold Lucifer and him alone –a fallen angel. It was… not easy, but manageable." He shifted marginally, raising his shoulders in an awkward shrug.

"So you both teamed up to get her back?" Kat demanded. "Why?" What would a demon and an angel get from working together –or from saving Alyssa?

"Loyalty deserves its rewards," Crowley purred. "I got what I wanted. Felt I owed a good deed for this century."

"She saved the world. It was the least Heaven could do."

Alyssa faltered under their scrutiny, turning to Sam. She gave a helpless shrug. Somehow, although it was Alyssa standing before them, there was something different about her. But how could Kat and the Winchesters expect any less? It had been a year –a hundred years. She would never be the same; that was impossible.

"I was… I wanted to see you guys again," Alyssa demurred. "I just…" She seemed to be on the verge of tears, sucking in a deep breath and blinking before turning back to Sam.

He crumbled. Not that Kat could blame him. Sam put his gun away, walking over to Alyssa and pulling her into a tight hug while her arms went around him. Kat smiled softly at the two of them, at the way they were clinging to each other like the world depended on it. Their living room was a little small for so many people to be standing around avoiding the furniture. She glanced over at her boyfriend, watching the way Dean was reluctantly putting his knife away and the caution that was written across his face. Alyssa might be back, as a human… of some sort, but she was never going to be the same.

Dean leaned back against the kitchen counter –it was a blessing and a curse that their house was so small. Kat shuffled over to him, grateful to leave the narrow entranceway behind her.

"How did you get her out?" Dean asked, looking between the angel and the demon.

Crowley scoffed. "What do you think I did? Waged a war with my demons and dragged her out?"

"They snuck me out," Alyssa offered meekly, still tucked away in the safety of Sam's arms. "There was no other way."

"What about…?"

No one missed the haunted look that crossed Alyssa's face, the way she turned from them and buried her face against Sam's shoulder and shook her head. Silence settled over the group, impenetrably thick and heavy as though the whole house was waiting to take a breath. Kat studied Dean as he closed his eyes and took a breath.

"There was nothing left," Alyssa mumbled. "He's gone."

"How, exactly, did you manage her escape without the keys to the cage Crowley?" Kat interjected, wanting to change the topic away from the loss of the Winchesters' half-brother. Likely a weight both Winchesters would take responsibility for, even if there was nothing they could have done about it. And there hadn't been. It was hard to tell whether Alyssa was taking on any of that guilt on herself, but it seemed likely. She had spent a hundred years with the kid, after sacrificing herself to save Sam –she had to feel something about the loss of Adam.

"I'm the king of Hell, Baby," Crowley chuckled. "I don't need keys to let one puny soul out."

"So Michael's still in there? And Lucifer?"

"They're too busy trying to destroy each other to care about mortals," Castiel confirmed. "Alyssa is safe, now." He paused, tilting his head to the side. "She will be fine." He disappeared abruptly, the fluttering of feathers echoing behind him.

Crowley scoffed, "Show-off. Don't I get a word of thanks, boys?" He smirked, arching a brow.

"Thank you," Alyssa said, turning to look at him. "Thank you."

"I like her. You could learn something from her." Crowley barked a laugh at that statement before disappearing.

Kat didn't even have to look at Dean to know he was getting ready to bite into Alyssa and interrogate her, and Kat couldn't fault him for it. She reached out, circling his wrist with her fingers before tugging him out of the house to give her friends some privacy.

The fact that Kat so easily got Dean out of the house, said volumes about the hundred years she had been gone, Alyssa realized.

Sam sighed quietly, gently holding her closer. "I'm so sorry, Aly, I'm so, so, sorry."

"It's okay," she murmured distractedly. "I'm not mad at you."

"Aly…" Sam frowned, pulling back from her. "You shouldn't have jumped."

"And let you die?" Alyssa laughed mirthlessly. "Let you die; let you die again and again and have Kat watch Dean fade away and drive himself insane as he tried to save you while you rotted in Hell, and I had to live with myself knowing I could have saved you? I did save you."

"You're important too," he insisted. "You're not just… you matter. You aren't some body to throw away into a cause that's not your own."

"Not my own?" she demanded. "Not my own –and how do you figure that? I lost Jess; I lost you, my family, Ash, Ellen and Jo. You don't get to tell me this isn't my crusade! I chose to go in your place, and you don't have the right to tell me I made the wrong choice!" She pulled back from him.

Sam's smile dropped away, and he swallowed tightly, tentatively reaching towards her. "Could we just… could we not fight? I don't want to fight right now. I'm sorry, I didn't… I had to live without you. I've never had to do that before, I thought you were safe at Stanford. I'm sorry I didn't check up on you. I can't apologize for how I've failed you… But I'd really just like to hold you, and just know you're alive."

Alyssa threw her arms back around him with a muffled apology. "I didn't mean to argue."

"I love you," he told her, pulling back to meet her gaze. "I love you so much, and I should have told you earlier… I missed you."

At some point in the past, she might have been disappointed by the lack of romanticism surrounding his confession. Now, it was enough that he had simply said it. She could remember her feelings for him, but she was no longer as certain as she had once been about their relationship.

A hundred years had passed. She had spent those years with Lucifer, an insane megalomaniac who loved to throw her unrequited feelings back in her face. He was sadistic. He had danced images of Brady dying, of Sam killing Brady, of Sam's deaths, and the tortures Dean had inflicted on others. And he had laughed.

"I missed you too," she murmured honestly, hugging Sam close. "And I love you. I think I've always loved you, just a little," she forced a laugh, the hollowness of it ringing in her ears.

How was she supposed to laugh again? How was she supposed to smile? Sam didn't push it, simply hugged her, whether or not he took notice of how forced her laugh was. Of how she could barely remember how to smile. She felt safe though, wrapped in Sam's arms. She felt safe here, eons away from Lucifer and his cage. It wouldn't stop the nightmares though.

Being back wasn't going to free her from her debt to the demon that had saved her from the brink of madness. No one could ever pay that debt back for her. If she failed to pay it back, as Crowley demanded she do, he could easily stuff her back into Satan's cage. Maybe it wasn't meant to hold a human soul. But only a human could free Lucifer, a human had to open the cage from the outside and let him out. Inside, she would be his chew toy. Outside, she was free. The cage had held her because if it hadn't, then Lucifer would have been able to escape with any old human soul. So the cage had to be designed with the knowledge of vessels and hosts and how they worked to ensure that Lucifer could not escape. He couldn't force himself into a body and walk out. Therefore, a body could not walk out on its own. But with the door opening, it would give Lucifer no chance to leave. Demons could open the door. Lucifer would tear them apart. Demons could go in and pray and worship at his feet; they could take their orders from him if they wanted.

Crowley was nothing if not clever though. He had one of his sycophants open the door and shoved the bastard in while he pulled Alyssa free. She didn't feel bad for the demon. And Crowley made sure she knew she could make it up to him, for a price. He was a fair man, a good king.

Alyssa was free, so long as she brought him souls. Not that it was going to be difficult. Crowley had taught her several methods. She wasn't exactly looking forward to it, to murdering people, but if it meant she got to stay free from Hell, from Lucifer… there was nothing she wouldn't do.