- The Outsider -

"Help me understand why
You've given in to all these
Reckless dark desires"
~~ A Perfect Circle ~~

The Salvatore Boarding House, Mystic Falls, 2010

Both Stefan and Klaus stared at the window, surprised. Suddenly it struck Stefan. Elena. She'd seen them. She'd seen Stefan, naked, with Klaus on top of him. She'd seen Stefan enjoy every minute of it. He felt disgusted with Klaus, but most of all with himself. He'd given in to Klaus. How could he? He was insane. He had to be.
He pushed Klaus off of him and rushed into his clothes with vampire speed, quickly putting on boxers, trousers, T-shirt and shoes.
"You're going after her, aren't you?" Klaus sounded sad. Betrayed.
"I have to," he uttered hoarsely, feeling bad for hurting Klaus, "I love her."
"Of course you do", Klaus whispered with a forlorn smile, a glassy glance in his eyes.
Stefan walked over to the balcony, breaking glass shards beneath his shoes and looked back once more. Klaus still looked at him, as if he was trying to believe Stefan would still turn around and stay with him. His eyes sparkled with something he knew wasn't happiness. Why was it so hard for Stefan to avert his face again and jump off the balcony, chase the woman he loved, explain her he'd been wrong? He felt torn. Stay or leave? Stay with a man he thought he hated, who he had sex with a couple of times, who he felt closely attached to for no particular reason? Or leave, find the woman he'd done so much for, who'd done so much for him, who he loved and would die for?
He turned his face and tried not to think any longer. He had to find Elena, fix the damage he'd done.
He jumped off the balcony and raced away through the woods around the Boarding House, following Elena's scent.

It was harder to find her now she was a vampire. Her scent was less… distinctive now. Still, she left enough traces behind of where she'd run. Stefan had spent a great many years out in the woods and tracking animals –or people- was one of his specialities.
After running for a while, he realised where she was headed. He rushed with all the strength he had, trying to ignore his growing hunger. He hadn't fed since… two or three days now. He couldn't remember exactly. He picked up the scent of a nearby rabbit and leaped, catching it and quickly draining it of its blood before he dropped it on the ground and ran on. No time for a proper burial.

He found her exactly where he had expected to find her. Wickery Bridge. She was facing the water, her back turned towards him.
"Stefan." Her voice sounded fragile.
He could see her shiver. She didn't turn around, and he knew she just couldn't face him. The guilt tore him in half. He felt as if he would break. He just wanted to walk up to her and hold her, tell her everything was alright, that nothing of it had been real, but he couldn't. He couldn't be dishonest with her. He'd lose her forever if he deceived her now.
"Elena…" He wanted to explain, but didn't find the words and ended up saying nothing more but her name.
"This is where it all started, you know. Here's where we first met." She sounded numb now.
"I know."
She didn't speak, didn't move at all.
"Is this where it has to end?" he eventually dared to ask, dreading her response.
"You tell me, Stefan," Elena said bitterly, "You're the one who seems to be in need of… of change."
"Elena, I swear to you that I never wanted any of this to happen." He walked up to her and placed a hand on her right shoulder.
"But it happened, Stefan! How could you? This is the man that killed Jenna, who tried to kill Jeremy and who turned Tyler. He used me as a bloodbag. He even tried to kill me." Elena's voice broke and she turned around, allowing him to notice the tears on her cheeks. She shrugged his hand off in anger.
"I didn't want this, Elena. I love you", he said hoarsely, blinking a tear away.
"Tell me you didn't do it by your own free will. Tell me he compelled you into it." She looked him in the eyes with a hopeful gaze, begging, trying to understand.
He remained silent.
She sighed and looked down at the ground, slowly nodded, as if it was getting through to her.
Suddenly, she snapped. "Get out, Stefan! Leave me alone! I don't want to see you anymore. Ever!" she cried out, pushing him away with inhuman strength.
"Elena, please, give me another chance." He felt the tears coming, tried to suppress them.
"No, Stefan! Just leave me alone! I've given you enough chances. I can't forgive you for this. Maybe in time I will come to understand, and I might find it in me to forgive you, but right now, I just… I just want you gone. I can't even look at you anymore."
He snapped too, indignant. "What happened to 'It's you and me, Stefan, always'?" The tears streamed down his cheeks.
"That ended the moment you decided to cheat on me with our biggest enemy", she shouted. "I can't believe you'd even think I would keep those words in mind after what you did!" She grimaced. "Just leave! Leave me the hell alone!"
She got so angry she grabbed him and threw him over the bridge, straight into the freezing cold water.
Because of his heightened senses, the cold pierced him even more. As if thousands of knives were cutting him at the same time. He let the pain come, didn't try to get out at first. He deserved it. He'd hurt Elena, broken her trust. She was right. The cold nestled in his bones, making his movements slower. Love is pain. Suffering.
He came to himself again and swam upwards, towards the surface, with strong strokes of his arms. Even though the cold hurt, being in the water came as a release to him. He felt free somehow. Surrounded by cold water, it felt like it… harboured him in some way.
He broke through the surface and gasped for air. He swam towards the shore and got on the land. From the corner of his eyes he could see Elena looking down at him, shaking her teary face in disgust, one last time, before she rushed away.
He'd lost her. Finally he allowed the tears to take him over, cried and cried, until he had no tears left. She'd hate him forever. He could never explain anyone, because no one would understand. He was all alone in this. He had no one to blame but himself.
He scraped up the little pieces of dignity he had left and walked home slowly, feeling like he was headed towards his own execution. His brother would be home, would be waiting for him to explain, would listen for a minute and then turn his back on him. No one would ever understand.

He reached the Boarding House and didn't even bother to hide his entrance. He walked in, his clothes still soaked, but a little bit less wet than fifteen minutes ago. He walked past his brother, who looked at him with a curious expression, but ignored him. He wasn't ready for this. He couldn't face his brother now. Couldn't face anyone.
"What happened?"
Stefan pretended he didn't hear it and headed towards the basement for a bloodbag. At least he didn't know yet. It was just a matter of time before he found out. Maybe he should tell him, before Elena could… No.
He went to the bloodbag storage box and grabbed a random bloodbag. B- , apparently. Matching his situation. Negative. He preferred himself an O+ usually, but the taste wasn't that different.
He opened the bloodbag and drank, trying not to gorge everything down at once, feeling the blood wash everything away. Another. He grabbed a new bloodbag, AB+ this time. Tastes a little peculiar, but still a lot better than sticky, tasteless animal blood. The more he drank, the more it seemed to him like he'd get through this after all. The blood gave him… hope… somehow. At least he was still alive, whatever that meant.
Nothing had ever hurt him as much as a breakup. Nothing matched the despair, the denial, the anger, frustration. Not all of his failures were entirely his fault, though he'd like to think otherwise. It was… easier to blame himself. He was used to taking responsibility for his actions, or the actions of others. The pain that accompanied this was like an old friend to him by now. It was easier to save others the guilt of having to blame themselves. And it was selfless of him.
He noticed he'd consumed over seven bloodbags. He tried to suppress the panic of his own darkness taking over again and closed the storage box, threw the bloodbags in a trash can and went for his room.
While passing through the living room, he noticed Meredith was over for a visit. It surprised him a little, but he didn't care that much. It was her choice if she wanted to be Damon's new blood source. Damon and she were both drinking whisky, and Stefan felt… pity for Damon. He wished Alaric was still alive. He'd been such a good friend for Damon, for everyone. He knew a drinking buddy wouldn't fill up the hole Alaric left behind in Damon. He'd noticed how Damon treated Alaric as a taboo subject. He hoped Damon knew he could always come to him to talk, if he needed to. But he probably wouldn't. Ever. Damon preferred to keep the pain on the inside and let it eat him away. He didn't want anyone to see the vulnerable boy on the inside, the boy who winced at every rejection, who cried at every loss. So much loss. How had everything gotten so screwed up? Where did everything go wrong?
He shook his head slowly and continued his way to his room, ignoring Damon's worried glances.

He closed the door and looked around his room. Empty. At least Klaus had the decency to leave him alone now.
Klaus stepped forward from behind a curtain, studied Stefan's face. Or not.
"How did it go, mate?" He approached him and placed a tender hand on his shoulder.
Stefan shrugged him off, annoyed. "I'm not your mate and I'm not your love either."
Klaus stepped back, hurt, his eyes wide open. Good.
"Leave me alone. I don't want you here. Everything's ruined because I gave in to you."
Klaus took every blow with a countenance frozen in horror. "Do you really think that low of me?"
"This is all my fault, but it's because of you that I did this. I look at you and all I feel is… aversion." He had to do this, had to get Klaus out. The only way to make him leave was to hurt him.
"Everything we did together was meaningful," Klaus growled, "You don't need her. You have me. We can be together. Forever. Embrace the idea, Stefan. You know we could be glorious together."
"I could never be with you that way anymore, Klaus; I admit there was something about you… but that's gone now. I don't feel the least bit attracted to you anymore."
"Fine then. I'll wait. I've waited almost a century to get you back; I can wait a little longer." He grimaced, rolling his eyes.
"Out", was all Stefan had left to say. He ignored Klaus' latest remark.
Klaus stepped back, looked at him once more, as if he hoped Stefan might grab his arm and tell him to stay, but Stefan remained where he was and avoided eye contact. Klaus jumped off the balcony and rushed away, a black flash between the trees.

Stefan buried his head in his hands, trying to ignore all the playbacks in his head of the last few conversations. He wished Lexi was here. She'd be able to comfort him; she'd understand him and tell him what to do. She'd helped him through his worst days, his ripper binge days, so she'd be able to help him through this as well. He needed her so much right now. She had always been there and now that he needed her most, there was no way he'd get to talk to her.

His enhanced hearing picked up on someone entering the Boarding House. He listened closely and heard Elena talk to Damon. She wasn't too happy to see Meredith there.
"So, did you find a new blood source?" Stefan could hear the judgement in her voice.
"No need to be angry at me, princess", he heard Damon say, and Stefan imagined the smirk on his face.
"I'm just drinking a glass of whisky with her, or is that a crime in your universe?"
Elena hissed slightly and she most likely eyed him with contempt.
"I take it there's trouble in paradise?" Damon asked. "What happened? Did he eat your favourite puppy?" He chuckled.
Stefan almost laughed out loud. This was ridiculous. He'd eaten something entirely different. The world's oldest hybrid. He tried to imagine Damon's face if he'd say such a thing, but couldn't imagine it. Damon would be shocked, probably. Disgusted.
"My affairs with Stefan don't concern you, Damon", Elena rebutted.
"Oh, I'm sorry for caring, Elena." Stefan could imagine Damon frowning.
"That would be my cue to head out", Meredith said, clearly sounding like she realised in what kind of awkward situation she'd ended up.
"Yes, that would be nice", Elena snapped at her.
A jingle of… keys -?- sounded and the front door slammed shut.
"What is it, Elena?" Damon sounded frustrated.
"Why are you hanging out with her? She's the reason I'm a vampire."
"She's also the reason you're still alive."
"Whatever, Damon." Elena sounded tired. A wave of guilt washed over Stefan.
"Stefan's up in his room, in case you're wondering."
"I didn't come here for Stefan." That drew Stefan's attention.
"Then what are you here for, except for scaring doctors away with your happy face?" Damon sounded faintly amused.
"I was hoping you could offer me a little bit of sympathy. I could use it, Damon."
"So… one Salvatore pissed you off and you run right back to the other one? And as soon as I do something you don't like, you're just going to run back to Stefan." Damon laughed, but he wasn't joking.
Elena slapped him in the face. She slapped him so hard he must've fallen against a piece of furniture or something, because Stefan could hear something breaking. Elena wasn't fully in control yet. That much was obvious.
"Screw you, Damon."
"No, screw you, Elena! You chose Stefan, not me. I'm done being your little lap dog. Suck it up."
A sound of porcelain violently breaking reached Stefan's ears. Elena's temper clearly had grown when she turned. Now even their porcelain was in danger. Damon will be thrilled.
The front door smashed again, and Stefan assumed Elena had left. He stepped away from the door of his room and dropped on his bed, his clothes still a little humid. He rubbed his temples, trying to rub the pain, the chaos, away. He might as well turn it off. Would it be such a bad idea? All he felt was shame and pain. He felt lost. 'Turn it off!' a voice inside him whispered. 'You're pathetic and weak. You're a disgrace to yourself, you whiny little pig.'
He tried to shut it out, shut the voice out. That wasn't him talking. It was the Ripper. That wasn't him, it wasn't him. He rocked back and forth, holding his knees against him with his arms. It isn't me, it isn't me, he thought, as if it were a mantra. The voice growled, but then started to laugh. 'You think you can escape me, but you're wrong. You're not strong enough to face your feelings.' The voice chuckled. 'You are weak.'
"Shut up!" Stefan growled. He jumped off his bed and started walking through his room, restless.
He didn't know when it happened, but at some point he dropped on the ground and cried again. He'd lost everything because of his mistake. He was all alone now and there was not a single soul that would understand him. He buried his face in his hands and felt like scratching it off. What had he done?

"They say hearing voices is a sign of insanity, but what do they say about talking to them?"
Stefan looked up and wasn't the least bit surprised to notice Katherine, sitting on his desk, looking at him with a crooked smile.
"You really have no sense for timing, Katherine. Please go away."
"Actually, I do, Stefan. You're not okay, and it seems like no one will understand you. Poor thing." She pouted.
"Please Katherine, I'm really not in the mood to deal with you right now."
"Then I come here for him, to tell him I understand, and I get kicked out before I even get to say that!" Katherine chuckled, but her face had an indignant streak.
"No, you don't understand, Katherine! No one does."
"Clearly I should have brought a box of Kleenex for you instead of my happy face", she said, grinding her teeth while rolling her eyes.
Stefan realised answering her would only annoy him even more, so he simply sighed and buried his head in his hands again.
"Grow up, Stefan!" Katherine chided, losing her patience. "What did you think Elena would do? Tell you she knows you never wanted it to happen? She's a vampire now. Her feelings are too strong to allow her the ease of denial. So suck it up and become a man for once, please."
She watched him and ticked with her fingernails on the top of the desk.
Stefan allowed her words to sink in and realised she was right. He had to stop moping and crying around, because it wouldn't reward him with anything.
Besides, he was one-hundred-and-sixty-two years old! Why would he cry for being dumped by someone? He had been through this countless amounts of times before. He raised his head, filled with a feeling he wasn't quite familiar with. Dignity. What he had done was awful, but what's done is done. He shivered and it felt as if the guilt somehow shook itself out of him. He looked at Katherine in amazement, surprised she could help him this well.
"You're right… Thank you", he spoke at last, meaning every word.
Katherine smiled. "You know, if it's any consolation… In these five-hundred years of existence, I've hooked up with quite a few… types I don't like associating myself with, but hey! Living forever without ever going in on a whim is rather… pitiful." She smirked. "Being crazy and dropping your high moral standards for once is all part of immortality. Even if it means getting involved with disgustingly awful types like Klaus." She raised an eyebrow after that, as if to ask 'Seriously?' but continued talking. "I still don't understand why you'd give in to him and not me." She pouted.
"So that's why you're really here. Trying to get me on team Katherine again", Stefan rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Do you have any idea how pathetic this makes you?"
She grinded her teeth and looked like a little toddler whose tasty lollipop was taken from her.
"Oh shut up", she hissed, rolling her eyes in contempt. "I'd thought this little fight between you and Elena would finally clear the grounds for me, but again, you fail to see who you fit with best. So blind, so blind… Are you ever gonna realise that you and I are a match made in heaven?" She sighed.
"You can leave now, Katherine. You've made your point, so you can go back to hide under whatever bush you usually hide, because Klaus is really alive and that probably endangers your own existence."
"Do you honestly believe I'm gonna let you dismiss me like some servant?" She narrowed her eyes at him and raised an eyebrow, but she still shivered at hearing Klaus was alive.
"Do you truly love me, Katherine?"
Katherine's eyes sparkled with sudden hope again. "Of course I do. I've told you countless times and I've proven it to you before."
"Then you know that when you love someone, you have to let them go."
She stared at him and bit her upper lip in annoyance. She frowned and sighed. "Fool."
"Thank you, once again, for your help", he said one more time, feeling a little bit guilty for sending her away like this.
She shook her head slowly and rushed out through the window. Better get that window repaired quickly.

Stefan watched her go and felt thankful for her help at getting him through his sadness. No matter how simple her help had seemed, it had really made a difference.
He dropped his head on his pillow and slept for the rest of the day.

When he woke up, he felt fresh and different, somehow. He realised he had to do something he hadn't done for quite a while. He grabbed his leather-bound journal and started a new diary entry.

~ Stefan's Diary ~

October 26th 2010

Dear Journal

So much has happened the past two days. I can barely make sense of everything that happened. Emotionally speaking, I've been a mess; especially the past few hours.

It started when I got these dreams about Klaus, something I've written about earlier. I never felt anything for Klaus, so I didn't understand where they came from. I found out Klaus is still alive and that he's been giving me these dreams. Katherine even snuck into one of these dreams. It's perverted and sick, but I have to be honest. This is my journal and Ishouldn't lie about things.

In those moments that Klaus tried to get me aroused… I was. Not every time, but I felt very conflicted all the while. (My body wanted to, but) My common sense told me not to and up until now, common sense has taught me to listen to it. Still, I've given in to my reckless desires and done something I had thought never to be capable of: I committed fornication on Elena with Klaus. There. I said it.
I know I shouldn't have, but there were urges inside me stronger than anything I've ever felt before. During the act itself, I enjoyed it. Relished in every minute of it. It didn't even stay at one time. I couldn't stop and had sex with him even more. The worst of all is that I WANT to regret it, but I don't feel any regret anymore. I've tasted the forbidden fruit and now… I'm poisoned. Even now that Elena has broken up with me and confronted me with the atrocities I committed, I still…crave for more.

Klaus made me remember things he and I did in the Twenties, things I'd rather not remember, but now that I do, I can't put them out of my head. Whenever I'm alone, my mind drifts off and reminisces to those times…
There even was this one time he tied me up, upside down… I shudder at the thought of how creative he was… And how I even enjoyed all of it. Does all this make me bisexual? I guess it does; which makes sense, since it seems unlikely that one can live forever and would never try something different.

I love Elena, but this connection between me and Klaus is too… (sensational) visceral for me to ignore.

What has become of me? Is this the kind of abomination my father wanted me to hate? How come I don't hate myself for this? ? (Maybe it's not worth hating myself for this.)

I know what to do now. I have to face temptation and see if it's worth all this.

He closed his diary and tied the little chords around it into a complicated knot to keep the book shut. He placed it back on the shelf where it belonged and turned around to overlook his room, wondering one last time what he should do.

Time to take action.

A/N: As usual, I hope you enjoyed reading it and crave for more. Review would be much appreciated.