Warning note: this gets tense before it gets better.
Bear with me!
Evidence
Chapter 5: Confrontation
Niles half expected CC to have an envelope in her hands, when she entered the kitchen.
She didn't.
He half expected her to say something at the sight of his.
She didn't.
She aknowledged the envelope – with a quick and ambiguous nod – and turned to her right, 'Do you have any tea?'
His heart was still beating madly by the surprise of seeing her coming to him when he was thinking of going to her; so, he put the shot and the note on the envelope, letting them plain visible on the table, and got up from his chair. He decided not to comment on her pretending those things had no importance.
She was already at the other side of the island. It was obvious she was putting a physical barrier between them, and he had to be cautious.
'I'll make it', he quietly offered.
She nodded again.
He went to put water to heat and kept throwing glances at her.
She was looking anywhere but at him, clearly disturbed.
Niles couldn't deal well with her tense silence. The usual way out, a zinger, was not coming to him, right now – he had nothing in his mind that could pass as even a light provocation. He was kind of obsessed by the situation at hand, and he knew that, if she kept silent, he would soon blurt something out.
Something he would probably regret saying.
Obviously, she kept silent.
(She was never of any help to him.)
'Have you received one of that from Miss Grace, too?', he finally asked, indicating the things on the table with a tilt of his head.
CC looked at him for a second and looked away again.
She took long moments to answer and, when she did, it was with a neutral and short, 'Yes'.
'And what did you think of it?'
(Dear God, it was like his mouth had a life of its own! )
In fact, Niles wanted to know how she felt about it, but he felt relieved that his brain didn't have the guts to mention feelings.
What a mental image!
(He was really nervous.)
She took even longer to answer, this time.
He thought she would pretend she hadn't heard him.
But then, she threw him an icy stare, 'What do you mean?'
He was surprised. Wasn't it clear what he meant?
Was she just trying to evade the question?
Was it so hard to her to talk about it? Then, why had she come?
Niles gulped down the knot in his throat and decided that maybe he should compromise, giving her something in which she could work on, 'I think it was sweet of her'.
She kept looking at him in silence, no visible reaction.
Again, her thinking lasted a lot of time.
Niles was getting more and more aprehensive. Her eyes said nothing to him.
He was getting restive.
The kettle whistled, and he turned to take it, glad they had something to break the moment.
He prepared the mugs and extended one of them to her.
She got a bit closer, took it and went back to her previous position, looking at the liquid in front of her.
After taking a sip, she finally said, 'Yes, it was'.
Niles grinned at her, realizing she had answered and registering it was something positive, 'Really? That's what you think?'
CC looked at him as if she didn't get the reason of his joy, frowning slightly.
He knew he had a silly grin on his face at her agreement, and realized he didn't mind that she would probably call him on that at any moment.
It was a small admission, but he felt all giddy over her when she admitted little good things about people. It made her more human, before his eyes. More accessible.
He was fond of her difficult personality, but he liked to think she had a reserved space for him, in her head: a place where she was free to let her true opinions show. Sometimes, those opinions were ominous, and sometimes, they were generous, as usual for people.
Niles was sure she just had the strenght for being that open with him, and it made him happy.
Maybe, if she asked now why he was grinning, his answer would be something along the lines Because you are almost irresistible when you act cute.
He stirred his tea, smiling.
'Of course', CC talked again, 'It was unexpected'.
'Why? She is a very caring girl', he pondered, glad they were finally engaging in a normal-paced conversation, and eager to keep it going.
'She has been raised by Nanny Fine', she snorted, 'It 's a surprise she didn't blab'
Niles blinked at her, 'Uhm?'
'It would have been really embarrassing'.
CC looked at Niles and noticed he had lowered the hand with the mug, and was looking at her as if he hadn't understood what she was saying.
She decided to elaborate, in order to gain an obviously vehement agreement, 'If she had told everybody... I mean... What would people think? I would feel certainly abashed'.
And she fell silent when she noticed he was in shock.
'You...', he started, slowly, 'That's all you can think?', he asked, letting the confusion pour in his voice, 'That it would be embarrassing to share a bed with me even under those circumstances?'
She faced him, 'Who wouldn't be, in any circumstances?'
He knew she meant it as a playful zinger, but he was not able to apretiate it, this moment. He was really serious, 'Can't you just think, for a moment, that people do good things? That Miss Grace understood you were alone in the cold, that I got worried... You have seen the photo... It was a beautiful moment... How is it all you can do is keep repeating that you would be embarrassed about being with me when there are a lot of more important and positive things going on?'
She looked away, bitting her bottom lip. It sounded harsh when said like that. Of course, she meant to treat the whole situation as a joke, letting aside all the parts of the story that are related to Niles and other people having consideration for her.
She had gotten out of the office when she couldn't understand it. She had come to the kitchen to not think about it.
She hated positive things. They went away quickly, and let you with a bad taste in the mouth. They were not worth the energy they consumed.
And she would not explain this to him.
Even if he kept looking at her as if it was obvious the next line was hers.
The silence was stretching again.
CC realized she couldn't deal with that. She had to go away.
She rested the mug on the island and started for the door, 'I'm going to the office', she informed without looking at him.
'Miss Babcock', he called after her, letting himself plead. She had her difficulties, after all, and he knew he had said some things that could put her off-balance.
He respected her for being able to function despite her troubled feelings. He just couldn't let the conversation end like that – so, he called her.
But she didn't stop. She just threw a derisive 'Not now' in the air and kept walking to the swinging door.
Niles felt like she had pushed him, hard. His mug hit the island. He had to say something, or he would explode.
'Dear God, woman, you have no idea how I hate when you do this!'
That made her stop and turn.
It sounded too different from what she was used to hear from him.
He was really... disappointed on her.
Niles supported himself on his palms, on the sink, and looked at her while he spoke, in a frightenly barely controlled voice, 'You know what your problem is? You can't be expontaneous. You can't say or do what you desire, because it requires being sincere, and you are not capable of being sincere with yourself, much less with anyone else', he pointed to his chest frantically, 'Much less with me!'
She kept looking at him, her eyes wide. She had seen him using that high-pitched voice in some situations, and it always indicated he was out of himself.
She refused to open her mouth to say a word when he was like this. She crossed her arms over her chest to make it clear.
He gulped and straightened his back, as if recovering part of his balance, 'Look at yourself right now: you're fleeing because you can't answer to me. You keep trying not to say all that is coming to your head, so you won't reveal anything that could embarrass you. Can't you see it ties you to your old and misconcepted patterns of behavior?'
CC flinched slightly, still silent.
Niles gave some steps to the side, never taking his eyes off of her, 'You keep repeating destructive behavior and old beliefs, even if it makes you lonely and unhappy. No matter what I do, no matter what Miss Grace tries to shove in your face... You are incapable of changing anything, of daring anything, of simply following your heart', he snorted and went to collect the things on the table, 'See what an idiot you make of me? I still believe you have a heart!', he looked at her with desilusion, 'And I keep waiting it shows...'
CC just kept quiet, again.
This time, she was at least looking at his face.
Their eyes kept locked for long moments.
One more time, they were at the verge of something, and neither of them would make a move.
Finally, she turned again her body to the swinging door, with her face still turned to him.
Niles had done the same to the back stairs.
They noticed how in sync they were, even when getting apart.
She paused with the hand at the door, a confused look on her face at the realization they were preparing to flee from the kitchen, once both were at a loss.
He put a hand on the rail and his left foot at the first step, a thorn look on his face at the fact they were giving up again.
Both turned away and exited the kitchen at the same time, not able to sustain the tension anymore.