A painful lesson (Helen)

Woe is me … I am ruined, by The Lonely Forest

"The worst comes out when I'm alone

I think I'm hiding, but you've always known

can you meet me in that place

when I'm too ashamed to show my face

and... all I can do is make others bleed

a prideful ego fire I'm eager to feed

and they say I'm a good guy"

I felt embarrassed and he also seemed a little confused, but then his expression changed. "Well, I am a pretty delicious morsel," he joked, but the punch line didn't hit home with me. He saw it and sighed. "Don't dramatize it, Helen. Just to let you know, I've also had a hard time stopping." He cupped my cheeks. "It happened in the heat of the moment, right? Sometimes control is hard to achieve, and sex is about letting go." I nodded. He was the expert here, I had to rely on his judgement. He kissed my forehead tenderly. "I've got one more advice for you," he said. I raised an eyebrow. "What is it?" He tapped his finger on my nose. "You shouldn't die within the next twenty-four hours." A large question mark must've appeared above my head, because he elaborated further. "If you die with my blood in your system, you'll have to make a final decision." My mind started to work in overdrive. How could I make a decision if I had died? Unless… oh… no! Abruptly, I jumped up. "You're saying I would come back as a vampire?" I shouted horrified. He sat on the edge of the mattress and gave me a serious look. "No, you would be in transition and had to decide, if you wanted to really die or be like me." I held my head and paced on the spot. "And you couldn't have mentioned that earlier?" I snarled at him. "Excuse me, we just had fantastic sex and this detail wasn't my first concern!" He jumped up too and faced me now, grumbling slightly.

The word 'fantastic' sort of reconciled me inwardly with him, but I wasn't ready to give him this satisfaction. "Detail? Well, then you better keep your watch over me during the next twenty-four hours!" I fumed and stomped into the bathroom. A few minutes later there was knock on the door. "What?" I fretted unnerved. "Everything okay?" I rolled my eyes. This man really bugged me! "Yeah, sure, would you please give me a little privacy!" Which was the truth, somehow. I needed to get a clear head. Alright, the sex had been… overwhelmingly fantastic. I couldn't swipe the grin from my face. It had been fantastic from the start… Oh God! I blanched. I hadn't taken any precautions – not once! Why the hell? I asked myself panicking. This wasn't me, being so irresponsible. What the hell had I been thinking? Nothing, my conscience screamed at me. I tore at my hair. "Damon?" I called. "What's wrong?" he replied immediately. Did he wait in front of the door? I cleaned my hands and opened it. He still sat on the bed. "I have to ask you something," I started and bit my lower lip. He scrutinized me first, then he grinned. "Vampires can't procreate," he said, not waiting for me to continue. "How did you know what I wanted to ask?" I replied baffled. He got up and sauntered over to me. "Because this, my dear, is something most women think of afterwards, when they recover from the sex haze," he explained smugly and wrapped his arms around me. Ashamed, I leaned my forehead to his chest. "Sometimes I'm such an idiot," I murmured. He chuckled. "Let's take a shower," he said and lifted my chin with one finger. I loved this gesture. "Okay." He kissed me tenderly and guided me back into the bathroom.

Later, in the kitchen, I decided to pester Damon a bit more about those 'details'. "Let's have breakfast on the porch. It's sunny enough, don't you think?" I suggested and put plates and cups on a tray. The sun was shining and it was warm enough for eating outdoors. "Okay," he replied and gave me a doubtful glance. "Something wrong?" I asked. "No, everything's fine. Should I take the coffee?" he asked and grabbed the Thermos bottle. "Yep, I'll carry the rest." I always kept a small table and two chairs on the rear porch. Although under a roof, the sun managed to warm the spot sufficiently. The laid the table and we enjoyed the warm air. "May I ask a few questions, Damon?" He shot me a suspicious glance. "About what?" he asked. "Well, about your life and vampires in general," I replied. "If you accept that I'd like to keep a few things to myself, sure," he returned. Meaning I had to watch him closely to see if he would close up. "How did you get to be a vampire, Damon?" I asked my first question. He sipped at his coffee and let his eyes roam the garden. I could only guess what was going on in his mind right now. I had obviously hit a sore spot, because his face darkened. "Why do you want to know?" he confronted me. "I'd like to understand you better, Damon," I replied honestly. He scrutinized me for quite some time without answering.

"Have you ever loved so strongly that everything else got meaningless?" he asked abruptly. "Not yet," I replied softly. A sad smile played on his lips. "I've felt like this for a woman twice in my life. Both haven't loved me to the same extent, but both have changed me a lot. The first woman had been a vampire, the second – well, she's also one of us now." The wistful expression on his face stated clearly that those events were sore spots and he didn't really want to talk about them. I leaned forward and put my hand on his. "You don't have to continue, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable," I said softly. He squeezed my hand quickly and smiled. "No, it's okay. I want to tell you. It's time for me to get over it." He poured himself another cup of coffee and leaned back in his chair. "I was born in Mystic Falls, Virginia, in 1840. My family was one of the founding families of that town and pretty powerful. When I deserted from the Civil War in 1864…" I interrupted him. "You fought in the Civil War?" I asked excitedly. He gave me a mock salute. "Lieutenant Damon Salvatore, 7th Cavalry." I was impressed. "Wow, a hero of the Civil War." He shook his head. "I was no hero. Okay, I fought at Gettysburg and survived, but I quit right afterwards. It was clear that the war would be over soon. The last year was just a butchering of the Confederates!"

"What happened?" I coaxed him to resume his story. His face contorted scornfully. "My father considered it a great shame, but he hadn't expected any different of me." I was surprised. "You didn't get along well?" I stated. He shook his head. "No. After my mother's death, there were hardly any fatherly feelings for me left inside him." I gave him a pitiful glance. "Did you have any siblings?" I asked. "I still have a younger brother…," he started. "Still? He's also a vampire?" I inquired. He nodded. "In 1864 my father had given shelter to a refugee from Richmond – Katherine Pierce. A she-devil. Beautiful, cunning and a vampire, but we didn't know that from the beginning. She led all others to believe that she was just an innocent orphan, but she seduced my brother and me. We had both fallen in love with her, but Stefan had been repelled by her vampirism. She compelled his mind to love her anyway." Such a slut! I thought. "And you didn't mind?" I asked. "No, I'd been totally enthralled by her and almost addicted to her. I wanted to be like her and she promised to turn me." He snorted derisively. "I was such a love-sick fool back then! One night the founders' council had decided to catch all vampires. They locked them up in the church and burned it down. Stefan and I had tried to save her, but our own father shot us!"

I cringed hearing this. How could a father be so cruel? His own sons… but Damon continued unimpressed. "After we had revived, I ran to the church, but it had been too late. I thought Katherine had died, but she hadn't." I was taken aback. "She survived? How?" A grim expression crossed his face. "Her witch had saved her – Emily Bennett. She had saved Katherine and the others by locking them up in a crypt below the church. I had searched for a way to free her for 145 years, only to find that she had never been in there!" Bitterness was written all over his face. I needed something stronger than coffee now and meanwhile the sun had vanished behind some clouds. "Let's go back inside, Damon, I'm cold," I said and collected the dishes on the tray. "I'm sorry, I don't feel coolness as much as a human," he apologized and took the tray from my hands. He set it on the kitchen table and turned around, wrapping me in his arms. His body was warm, despite of the weather change. "Amazing," I murmured at his chest. He kissed my forehead. "Come on, let's snuggle on the couch." I had trouble wrapping my head around the fact that apart from vampires, other supernatural species obviously existed.

We left the dishes in the kitchen and I found a warm and cozy place in Damon's arms on the couch. "I feel like listening to a storyteller," I whispered with a smile. "My grandma always told stories about witches and wizards." Damon threaded his fingers through my hair. "My story may sound like a fairytale, but there is no happy-end." I caught his hands and kissed his knuckles. "You said one has to actively choose to be a vampire. What happened to you?" I asked. His face darkened again. "My brother forced me to go on. If he hadn't held a bleeding girl in front of my nose, I would've let myself die. Without Katherine, everything seemed pointless to me." I blinked slowly and took a deep breath. "Go on," I said and looked at him. "Five years ago I returned to Mystic Falls to free Katherine from the tomb. I was convinced that she had loved me and still waited for me. When I found that she had never been in the tomb and that she had always known where to find me, I was heartbroken and started to hate her. Later she also returned to Mystic Falls for her very own reasons. On the one hand, I was furious, on the other hand my fire for her was rekindled, but then she declared that she had always and only loved my brother. I had only been a toy for her, which made me hate her even more."

Oh boy, a rejected love can be dangerous, I thought. He continued. "Meanwhile, my brother had met a young girl in high school - Elena. Her resemblance to Katherine was amazing. No surprise, she was a distant descendant and her doppelgaenger. Stefan fell in love with her and after a while, I did too." My head shot up. "You both fell in love with the same girl – again?" He nodded. I saw that he had a hard time talking about her. "Elena is warm-hearted, amicable, always on the look-out for her friends and family. She remained skeptic towards me, but after a while she wanted my friendship and finally there was more – at least from my side." His eyes sparkled while he described her, but in the end his voice had been very quiet and sad. I didn't move. "I confessed my love for her, but at the same time I compelled her to forget it, because for once I didn't want to be selfish. She… after she had become a vampire, she remembered everything. Still, she chose my brother." I understood why it must've been painful for him to be rejected like this a second time and I turned to face him.

"How did she become a vampire?" I asked softly. "She was in a car accident and my dumbass brother saved a friend from the wreck first because she insisted on it. He shouldn't have listened to her!" He got agitated and jumped up. "Damon, you don't have to continue," I said. "I have to… I have to get it out …" He stood in front of the window and stared into the rain which poured outside. How adequate, I thought. "The night Elena died, none of us knew that she had vampire blood in her system. I fought with Alaric, a supernatural hunter. He was supposed to kill the vampire who had created our bloodline and with him, we all would've died. A witch had tied Alaric's life to Elena's, because his creation served only one purpose." He breathed faster, his whole body radiated tension. Something terrible must've happened back then. I didn't dare to approach him right now. "He was stronger than me and managed to accomplish his mission. We were convinced that we would all die soon. Elena had been on the run meanwhile and had to decide if she should head further towards me or back to my brother and her friends. Then she called me." The tone in his voice made me shiver. It sounded as if there was not one spark of life inside him anymore. I couldn't sit anymore, I got up and walked towards him. Carefully I placed one hand on his back. It looked like a catharsis was imminent.

"She said…" He took a deep shaky breath. "She said, no matter what she felt for me, she had never stopped loving him. She headed back to him and left me to die alone!" He punched a hole into the wall next to the window with his bare fist and I stepped back. His face had changed again. Now I was officially scared! He pulled his fists from the hole and turned to me. I had retreated back to the couch. His face changed back to normal. "Helen, I'm sorry…," he whispered and held his hand out to me. Regret was written all over his face. Slowly, I approached him, took his hand and pulled him back to the couch with me. He plopped down beside me. "I know you won't hurt me, Damon," I whispered and cupped his face. Locking my eyes with his, I saw the agony in them. Now I knew what had caused the subtle sadness in his gaze which I had noticed during our first night together. His brows were furrowed, and I brushed my thumb over them, trying to straighten them. Finally, I threaded my fingers through his silky black hair and pulled his head down to kiss him. He stopped and put a finger on my lips. "You are way too sympathetic," he whispered. I shook my head. "Shut up," I replied and touched his lips with mine.

Softly, I increased my pressure, forcing him to react. I put all my feelings for him into this kiss and received a multiple thereof. Damned, John had been right! I had fallen for him! It wasn't just the physical attraction. The sex was undeniably incredible, but that was just a side effect. It was the mix of danger and safety as well as the vulnerability he had just revealed that drew me in. I realized that he had probably never opened up to anyone like today. He trusted me, just like I trusted him. It was crazy, considering the short amount of time I'd known him. Thinking got more and more difficult; he was so damn good at kissing. "Helen," he whispered and his lips traveled down to my throat. Suddenly I noticed him breathing deeply and an almost inaudibly deep growling escaped him. "Damon!" I was scared and feared that he would lose control. I tried to push him away, but he held me too tightly. "DAMON!" I screamed in panic. He jerked and pushed me away, possibly a little harder than intended, because I landed on the floor in front of the couch. At the same time, he jumped up and stood near the living room door now. "I'm sorry…, I…, I can't stay!" He looked at me with a pained expression. "Wait, please!" I called, but he vanished. I jumped up and ran towards the door. His jacket was gone from the rack. I opened the front door and looked around. Oh no, no, no… his car was gone! He was gone! He'd disappeared! Numbly I leaned to the wall and slid down to the floor. I didn't even notice the tears streaming down my face.