Considering the events in the latest episode (loved it!), my story became the completely AU now. Steven is still 'might just be the perfect man')))
Many thanks for my beta, Namaster, for help with translation and thanks a lot for your reviews:))
A sharp knock at the door startled her. Coming down from the windowsill grimly, stretching numb muscles on the way, Donna dragged her feet to the door…
Even in the dim light of her stairwell she noticed the dark circles under his eyes and his two-days stubble, fatigue was written all over his face. His shirt collar was undone; suit jacket and tie were gone.
"Harvey…"- she congratulated herself silently for the great idea of spending the evening with a glass of wine –it helped her feel calm and more clear-headed, which was strange.
"Can I come in?"- He asked quietly. Both, frustration and weariness laced his tone.
She let him in opening the door wider. Upon entering the living-room, he spotted a bottle of chardonnay, still standing on the windowsill.
"Celebrating the beginning of a new life?" – She saw him smirk, but the smile didn't reach his eyes.
"Mourning my former one, actually. God knows how many years I leave behind, after all",- she sighed leaning against the wall wearily.
"You could stay"- he stated hesitantly.
Donna could feel anger and resentment starting to boil inside of her again, but she was inclined not to immerse into the matter. She could clearly remember that their previous discussion of it didn't go well at all.
"Harvey, if you intend to repeat the same ridiculous things, let's save each other from reliving our previous dispute all over again. Please, don't start it. Let's just sit down, drink some wine and reminiscent about our working together. Let's farewell and part friendly.
Damn. Why does it hurt so much again? She looks absolutely impeccable: calm and somehow detached. Inside, she feels her heart clench: she sees a tired slope of his broad shoulders, pain in his brown eyes. Thoughtfully gazing at her, he turns away towards the window to look somewhere through the dark of NY's night.
"What if I don't want to say goodbye?"
He has no right to say something like this! It was so hard for Donna to make a decision about changing her life, to give up everything familiar and dear, that any such word threw her off her newly-found balance which was difficult to attain in the first place. Having understood that the question does not bear the meaning she would hope it did, Donna tried to stay collected. She was not in love with him, not at all. And all he wanted, she was sure, was to keep her by his side so that everything continued to be convenient for him.
"A lot around you complies with your wishes, Harvey. A lot, but not everything. We are merely people, Harvey, not gods. We have to sacrifice something to achieve our goals".
"I have already sacrificed us one day. We both wanted this job and both lost the prospect of our relationship, but at least all these years you have been in my life".
Was it just her imagination or did she really hear genuine despair in his voice? Nevertheless, she answered unwavering.
"It didn't look like you suffered. I lost count of all those skirts while correcting your schedule."
"You were not a saint yourself, Donna. At least I didn't commit myself to anything serious.
"It's because you are such a layman when it comes to serious relationships. Are you blaming me for not sleeping around? I can't even imagine what you would say to me if I behaved like you did. And you know what, Harvey",-Donna pushed herself off the wall and was now standing in the middle of the room, trying not to clench her fists with her nails digging painfully into her palms. – You got me furious , again, so now leave!"
He didn't even move.
"This was not quite my intention. I haven't finished yet. You ought to hear me out. Maybe at some point something between us went wrong, but it can't be the reason for you to throw yourself at this bastard, and spend the rest of your life in his boring company, as oppressive as that nasty English weather".
"You have no idea about Stephen! I have never received so much attention, tenderness and love from all the other men in my life put together. I've never felt so protected, so cherished. You just don't get it!"
Suddenly she felt him retreat. She could see defeat all over him. Swallowing hard, he somehow sank and turned towards the window.
The aching feeling returned to her heart, somehow it felt three times worse. Even from a distance, she could sense his pain and felt tormented herself. So, attempting to fix something which didn't even exist, Donna made a step forward.
"Harvey…listen, everything comes to an end eventually."
Donna made several more steps towards the window, where the man was standing, staring blankly at occasionally appearing passers-by.
"We have been working together far too long. And it's only understandable, that at first it will be difficult for you, but you'll figure it out this way or another. You always win", - she gave him a little smile and her eyes softened.
He sighed and shifted his gaze from the window.
"Why now?" If it was not Harvey, Donna would have sworn that the man sounded helpless.
"Because I'm a woman, Harvey. And I am turning forty pretty soon. I want a family, I want children. I don't have that much time anymore before it get's too late. Maybe it's too late already", - she sighed.
"Have you chosen him for this? That pompous shorty? You haven't been thinking about your kids at all",-he added sarcastically.
"And whom shall I choose? You?"- Donna couldn't suppress a nervous chuckle, though the time came to a stop for her and all her being froze motionless in anticipation of something vague. Even thinking about something like this confused her, so she just brushed it aside habitually, like all the other thoughts about him, that have been torturing her endlessly all these years.
"Our children would definitely have been more smart and cute",- he tried to joke.
"Of course, they would! And, I suppose, you would have taken all the credit! But here is the thing, Harvey: you don't give a damn about kids, and I doubt you ever will. Let me go in peace and let's stay at least ex-colleagues if not friends.
"People change, Donna", - Harvey looked out of the window pensively.
He was driving her crazy… Swallowing a lump in her throat – this conversation was obviously disturbing for her – she objected wearily.-"C'mon, Harvey. I know you all too well. You care about nobody but yourself. Perhaps sometimes you do care about me or Mike, but only if it does not require an excessive amount of emotions or efforts from you. You are selfish and possessive. If something threatens you possession, you bristle up, you fight and you try to restore it. It was the same with Mike and Louis and now you suddenly got into your head that not only you care about me a great deal but – which is unbelievable - you do not object to becoming a father of my hypothetical children. But actually you just want to keep me alongside, one way or another, so all of your chess pieces participate in your game of life". A mix of deep mortification and growing desperation engulfed her, fogging her mind, making her say the words that were only half-true.
She could feel the tension building up. His stare bore into her.
"Do you think you are reading me like an open book? Perhaps you used to, though the matter is questionable. And, as far as it goes, I too have something to tell you about the know-it-all Donna Paulsen."
She remained silent, but her gaze was challenging.
Pushing himself off the wall, he slowly started walking towards her, distinctly pronouncing each word – "You always seek the path of least resistance. Problems bother you. You prefer to hide from them under the mask of false well-being. It's more convenient for you to end a relationship rather than to fight for it. To lock your real feelings deep inside, to persuade even yourself that they sank into oblivion, and replace them with others, though not as intoxicating and mind-blowing, but that give you a sensation of false peace, almost like in a swamp. Donna Paulsen is doing great, she is magnificent, she interacts with the right men, receives sickeningly sweet confessions and compliments and, finally, a marriage proposition, and who cares if she is not genuinely happy. Because nobody can see this unhappiness, even Donna herself is oblivious!" – He almost yelled the last phrase, his motion coming to an end as he stopped in front of her.
She felt an anger rising inside, forcing out her confusion, and pain, and embarrassment. Donna felt her voice becoming stronger.
"I think it's time to end all of these. Perhaps long ago we made a mistake, but I was the one who wasn't able to forget it right away. I've always been there for you, I saw through Scotty, Zoe and all of your stupid Barbies. Be a man, Harvey, and acknowledge that you've failed this case, wish me good luck, say goodbye and get out. You've already put me in a bad mood by defiantly ignoring my farewell-party and you are doing it again. I'll give you a minute and then ask you out of my place. C'mon, toughen up and try to say something that will leave me with warm memories, because this is the last time when you and I are talking in private. Say good bye properly", - praying with all her strength to hold on for some more time, Donna pressed her lips together and felt her nails pierce her palms again.
He made a final step towards her and they were now standing face to face; she felt his breath hot on her cheek and sensed warmth radiating from his body. These sensations, one by one started making a breach in her newly built yet fragile wall: the wall that separated her past life from the promising yet worrying future.
"Harvey, talk and leave",-Donna repeated firmly, trying to keep the last shreds of composure.
"Don't try to run away from me – you won't succeed anyway." His previous, unusual state of hopelessness left him. She could see a whirl of conflicting emotions reflected in his eyes – anger, sadness, and despair.
His eyes reflected her own as if in a mirror.
-Then I dare you stop me.
She didn't even understand, how these words escaped her lips – was she challenging his stubbornness… or maybe it was the last desperate attempt to fight for them?
His fingers suddenly moved to grip the back of her neck, he pulled her lips to his, urging Donna to open her mouth. For several seconds she stayed stunned, and just felt it, all of it: his hot lips, demanding tongue, his strong hands, wrapping tightly around her. She found herself captured in his embrace and those long forgotten sensations knocked out the last stone from the wall she had been building so diligently for the last two months. He felt the sharp hitch in her breath when she opened her mouth to his. The taste of him flooded her then and her racing heart sped even faster, her fear mixing with a confusion of feelings as his tongue danced against hers. Warmth filled her body, evident in the flush of her cheeks as the heat grew within, each passing moment announced something she could not deny anymore. Her arms wound around his neck as she was pressing herself impossibly closer, as if trying to feel all of him at once, taking and giving kisses with an unrestrained delirious passion that matched his own…
Looking for air they managed to tear away from each other. Harvey touched his forehead to hers, still holding her in his arms, breathing heavily.
"Please, don't leave me'"- he whispered against her lips.
"Why are you torturing me, Harvey? - There were tears in her weakening whisper .- "I thought that I finally got rid of this disastrous addiction and now you are confusing everything again. Why are you here, tormenting me, possibly destroying my future?"- Feeling that she was on a verge of tears again, Donna shut her eyes tight.
First she felt his arms going down, then he took her tight fists in his hands and unclenched them gently, bringing her palms up to his lips. The touch of his warm lips to her strangely freezing fingers made her shudder. Donna had no strength to move or open her eyes. She felt his left hand touch her cheek. His fingertips stroked lightly the smooth skin of her jaw, moved to her temple and then down her neck, urging her to look at him. Opening her eyes, she could see his face several inches away from hers.
"Because I love you"…
That was… That was too much! For the second time Donna felt tears pour down her cheeks. She let out a sob, trying to turn away. He didn't let her. Hugging her even tightly, he wrapped himself around her fragile form pressing his cheek to her silken vivid curls.
"I'm such a fool. I've always been one. I always cut off the thoughts before they even started reeling in my mind. They appeared very often. I was terrified of becoming dependent, to tie myself up. I was afraid of what I craved the most."
She felt as if she was going to faint. She has been dreaming to hear these words for so many years, nevertheless she got used to burying all the hopes. She almost succeeded, she even tried to convince Mike that the feelings eventually went away, she lectured Harvey about Zoe and Scotty quite sincerely. And now, when she heard these words, she finally let herself admit that they were the most important words she had been waiting for.
For the first time in many years her perception of the world changed. The life was suddenly welcomed and the light penetrated in that hidden corner of her soul. And with this new felling, with the release, she never experienced before, came something else -the craving that had been suppressed for many years. It risked coming to the surface before when they touched accidentally, worked late side-by-side or danced occasionally on corporate parties. It was revealed tenfold, leading to an insatiable want to be with him, touch him, to become one, body and soul. Her shaking hands slid up his chest and rested on his shoulders. Smiling through tears, Donna whispered:
"Don't let me go, Harvey…"
She didn't need to ask him twice. His hands wrapped around her once again, also craving, demanding. He seemed to stop restraining the old desire, which once brought him, depressed and jaded, that other time, soon after his father's death to the threshold of her apartment. There, in her little living-room, after a bottle of scotch, he felt suddenly reckless, which led to a passionate kiss and daring caresses.
Everything changed, she isn't the old Donna anymore and it is not just about sex. She understood it after that 'other time', when he seemed to accept the situation and brought to his life a chain of fleeting love affairs. They both have changed now. She could feel it in the delicacy of his touch, mixed with his unrestrained desire, in the strength, when he is flashing her hard against him; in his confidence, when he carried her to bed, unable to wait anymore. The intoxicating, mind-blowing, fantastic feeling of his hot, demanding hands and lips on her naked skin drove her insane and whatever she experienced before seemed a like a pale comparison to her current sensations. When she finally felt him deep inside of her, it dawned on her, that she was destined to be his from the beginning.
He was her over self-confident, stubborn, insolent, ambitious, sometimes just unbearable man, the only one to make her happy.