Chapter Twenty: Facing Reality

I shoved on my helmet and started sprinting as soon as the words were out of Staff Sergeant Porter's mouth. In the moment I didn't think of anything else except that I needed to get to Willis, make sure he was okay. He had to be okay.

It was several seconds later that reality finally hit and I realized I had no idea where I was going. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off in the middle of a war zone, not knowing what to say or do. I was setting a bad example and I knew it, but right now I just didn't care about anything else. I had to find my husband.

"Colonel, wait!"

I stopped dead in my tracks and paused, standing there with a panic-struck look on my face as I waited for my aide to catch up. Major Warfield was close behind, along with the rest of Porter's squad - our security.

"Ma'am, all due respect, but you know it's not - "

"Where is he, Josh?" I demanded, cutting him off. "Where did his Pelican land?"

"We don't know yet, ma'am. I'm still trying to get the information out of the squad that saw him go down."

"Jesus." I put a hand to my temple out of reflex, almost surprised when all I felt was the hard outer shell of my helmet beneath my hand. I knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind at the moment, and there was only one thing that would change that. Finding Willis. "Well, get his location from them, Staff. Now."

"Yes, ma'am."

Beside him, Warfield cleared his throat. "Anything I can do to help, Colonel?"

I whipped around to face him and glared. "No. You've done enough, Major. You have your orders. Get back to your battalion."

Even the major seemed hesitant to challenge me at a time like this. "Will do."

Finally I released a sigh as Warfield turned to leave. I needed to get back in control, or I wasn't going to be much help getting aid to my husband. If he was alive. He has to be, I thought. Please, Will. Hang in there.

"Ma'am?" It was Porter again. "Just spoke to the squad that witnessed the crash. Looks like Major Hawk's bird landed closer to the Eighth's lines than we thought, near the ruins."

"Let's move out then, Staff. I'm taking your squad and a medic, and we're going. Lead the way."

"Got it, Colonel."

Through the trip it was hard not to think back to the last time this had happened - almost six years ago when the Covenant had first found and attacked Earth. At the time I'd just arrived to the human homeworld myself from Sigma Octanus IV, tasked right away with finding two missing pilots in the surrounding area in Austria. I didn't discover until later that one of them - the only survivor of that crash - had been Willis.

Needless to say, I'd been more than a little peeved at my CO once we'd returned to base. But mostly I'd just been glad that my husband was fine. Injured and a little bloody, but alive.

I hoped we'd get lucky again and find the same here.

"Ma'am, with the assault going on it might take us a while to get there on foot. And it'd be very risky," my aide said to me then. "I'd suggest commandeering one of the 904th's Warthogs before we go further."

I nodded, barely able to keep any thoughts that weren't about Willis straight. "Agreed, Josh. We'll take the Troop 'Hog. I'll order the Marines on it to do some straight-up ground fighting till we get back."

Besides having the space we needed, the troop carrier 'Hog also wouldn't impede the progress of the battle too much since it didn't have a mounted gun like the others. It simply meant that the Marines on it were going to have to stay put for a while.

"Marines, off the 'Hog, now!" I shouted as we approached the vehicle, weapon in hand with the barrel pointed low. "You'll get it back later, but right now, we've got a downed pilot to rescue." And if we don't get to him soon, it might be too late.

"Yes, ma'am," the leader of the group, a gunnery sergeant, replied. "Boys and girls, you heard the lady! Everyone up! On your feet!"

As the Marines cleared the 'Hog, one of them stopped as he exited and looked over at me. It took me just a split-second to recognize who he was by the strands of light brown hair sticking out from under his helmet. The same color as my oldest son and his father.

"Matthew," I said, a little surprised.

"Nat? What's going on? What do you need the 'Hog for?" The younger Hawk seemed puzzled for a moment, then quickly put two and two together. "Oh, shit. It's my brother, isn't it?"

Not wanting to waste more time, I quickly nodded. "I'm sorry to say this, but yeah. Go ahead and jump back in. You're coming with us, kiddo."

"But...what the hell happened?"

"We don't know yet, Matt, other than his Pelican was shot down." I swallowed hard on the sudden lump in my throat. "Now come on. We need to hurry."

Getting to the crash site proved problematic thanks to everything going on around us - our driver was having to constantly dodge incoming fire from Banshees and pockets of alien ground troops, and even had to swerve out of the way of exploding plasma grenades a couple times. By the time the smoking UNSC craft came into view, all of us in the back had burned through most of the clip in our guns trying to keep the 'Hog - and its occupants - out of harm's way.

And in the meantime, I tried my best not to let my fear for Willis take over.

The driver came to a skidding halt once we were a few meters away and I instantly jumped out the back, Matthew, Porter, and Doc Reynolds - whom we'd also picked up along the way - hot on my heels. I could hear my brother-in-law yelling something at me from behind, but for some reason I couldn't make out the words while I ran up to my husband's bird. The only thing in the world that mattered to me right now was finding out if he was safe.

Things didn't look so good on the outside, though. The hull was scratched and scored, especially in the rear and the sides. Up front, the cockpit windows had held but were full of spiderweb cracks along the center. If Willis had survived, he'd be damn lucky. He did. I know he did, I thought. Don't doubt that, Cooper.

Still, I steeled myself and took a deep breath before entering through the back.

"Willis!" I called out as I crawled through the awkward angle of the troop bay, tilted from the bad landing. "Willis, can you hear me? Are you okay?"

No response. My pulse beat faster in my ears and I hurried toward the door to the cockpit. I slung my DMR behind my back and pushed at it with everything I had. But much to my great frustration, it still didn't budge.

"Oh, come on, you stupid piece of shit," I muttered under my breath. "Open up!"

"Colonel, let me help."

I turned around to find the staff sergeant just behind me now. He placed his SAW on one of the bucket seats inside the troop bay, then came over to the door to help me push. With some effort, we finally got it open and peeked into the cockpit. I inhaled sharply at what we saw.

Willis was still strapped to his seat, but his body was limp and unmoving, obviously held in place only because of his harness. There was blood all over the console, down his flight suit, and on his face. I glanced over to the side then and saw that his helmet had broken off in the crash, too. It lay in three distinct pieces on the floor.

Most frightening, however, was the fact that it didn't look like his chest was going up and down as it should be.

"No," I whimpered, completely out of reflex. "No, honey, no."

Tears clouded my vision as I moved up and placed two shaky fingers to his neck. I felt for a pulse for what seemed like ages, but I couldn't sense a thing. This time I let out an agonized moan and took my husband's bloodied face in my hands.

"Willis, no. Come back to me, baby. Come back. Wake up."

Behind me, Porter had backed off and Matthew momentarily took his place.

"Natalie? Oh, Christ. Holy...Is he - ?"

"All right, everybody move!" Doc Reynolds barked then. "Out, now! He's my patient, and if you want him out of here alive, you all need to vacate the Pelican. Right now!"

"Doc," I said, voice strangled, "Doc, he's not - "

"Now, Colonel! Even you." His tone was firm, but his blue eyes were sympathetic when his gaze met mine. "I'll do everything I can for him. I promise. But I need you to step out while I assess the major, ma'am. Please."

Gathering up what little strength I had left, I slowly nodded. I took hold of Willis's limp hand and squeezed, then stepped back into the troop bay before leaving the craft.

Outside, I started shaking.

"Nat? Nat? Natalie."

I finally looked over at Matthew, mildly annoyed with his insistence. "What?"

He swallowed. "Do you think he'll be okay?"

I shook my head, barely able to hold back the tears now. I wasn't prepared to go full waterworks in front of my Marines, but I couldn't help how I felt. "I, uh...I don't know, kiddo. I...couldn't feel a pulse when I tried for one. Nothing."

Willis's little brother went even paler than before. "Oh, God. No."

I finally lost it and dropped down hard onto the sandy dirt against the Pelican, sitting with my knees up and my face in my lap as a harsh sob threatened to rip through me. I hadn't felt a thing when I'd touched his neck for a heartbeat. Not one damn thing. Willis was -

"Ma'am, I've got a pulse," Reynolds announced then, breaking into my morbid thoughts as he finally emerged from the back of the bird. "It's faint, but it's still there. We're going to have to hurry out of here if we want him to make it, though."

Even with the medic's words, I'd gradually calmed down a bit but couldn't feel relieved yet until Willis woke up, whenever that might be. Reynolds had managed to extract him from the Pelican pretty fast, bringing him back closer to the ruins in the Troop 'Hog, where a makeshift medical tent had been set up. Per his instructions, though, I had to wait outside for a while until Doc came to get me.

Matthew stood beside me as well, eager for news on his brother. The medic shook his head at him as soon as he walked out, however.

"Sit tight, kid. Major Hawk's not out of the woods yet. Far from it. Only the lieutenant colonel can go in to see him for now."

"But - "

"Sorry. Spouse only until he's stabilized. It's the regs."

Matthew's expression hardened. "That's not fair! He's my big brother!"

I let out a weary sigh, already feeling emotionally exhausted...and knowing I was still in for a lot more. "Listen to what Doc says, Matt. It's probably for the best. I'll be back out in a bit and let you know."

My brother-in-law looked beyond pissed for a second, brown eyes blazing, yet did as he was told and stayed put. In the meantime, I headed into the tent with Corpsman Reynolds.

"Don't sugarcoat it, Michael," I said to him. "How's my husband doing?"

He ran a hand through his thick crop of black hair before answering. "He's hanging on, ma'am. But barely. That crash was pretty bad."

I swallowed for what felt like the millionth time today. "What's wrong with him?"

"Well, the impact was fairly traumatic, as you could probably tell from the state of the cockpit. His helmet was broken in the hit, so he's got a pretty severe concussion from that. If he wakes up, he'll have plenty of dizziness, nausea, headaches, vomiting, the works to deal with for a couple of weeks. That means no flying for a long while. The good news, though, is that the bone remained intact. There's no sign of a skull fracture or any leaking brain fluid, so the helmet did help.

"Beyond that, he's got superficial bruising across his sternum from where the strap was holding him in place, which may have also caused some internal injuries when his bird hit the ground. I can't scan for that here since all the equipment for that kind of thing is at the field hospital on the mainland. He's got a few broken ribs that I do know of - one on his right side, two on his left - and a couple of broken fingers in his right hand, along with some other minor scrapes and cuts." The medic sighed. "It's really the force of the impact that'll determine how bad things get from here on out."

My head swam for a moment from all the implications. Eventually, I settled on the most important one. "But is he...is he going to make it?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't say that for sure right now, Colonel. He's still critical, and we can't get him to the field hospital for better treatment until the fighting dies down." Reynolds stopped then and looked down at his boots. "I won't lie to you, though, ma'am. If he makes it till then, he'll be lucky."

The corpsman said that last part as gently as he could, but it was still hard to take in. I could feel the tears forming just beneath the surface again, but I held onto my tight control simply by reminding myself that whatever the prognosis, at least Willis was still alive. He had a shot, and that was a lot more than I'd expected when I'd first found his wrecked body inside the Pelican.

"All right," I replied softly. "I guess I'll take that."

Reynolds nodded. "He's just ahead of you, ma'am. Sixth cot on the left."

"Thanks."

As I stepped up to my husband's bed and saw him lying there, broken and unconscious, a million thoughts went through my mind. How could I have prevented this? What if he doesn't make it? How can I go back home when this is over and tell our kids?

I thought of Lieutenant Commander Courtney Hayden, too, my best friend's widow, who'd just had to go through the same thing herself. For real. These weren't just panicked contemplations to her, but hard realities she now had to face and live with daily. And yet she'd chosen to continue anyway, to keep doing her duty even in the face of immense heartache. I respected that, and while I'd been able to more or less do the same when I'd lost my baby a few years back, I wasn't sure I could do that if I lost Willis.

He'd been with me from the very beginning, since we were nothing but a couple of young teenagers in love. He'd saved me back then from an abuser who'd beaten me so badly he'd landed me in the hospital one day, and Willis had been there to help me recover - both physically and mentally - every step of the way. It was his strength and support that had pulled me out of my shell, had made me grow up and learn not to take any shit like that again from anyone. A lot of who I was today was because of the values instilled in me by the Corps, but also because of him. Willis was everything to me, had given me our kids and with them, had made the War truly worth fighting for. Without him, I just wouldn't know what to do.

I pulled my helmet off then as I crouched down beside his head, one knee in the dirt. I reached out with a hand and pressed it gently to his forehead, feeling his hair beneath my fingers before placing them on his smooth skin. And then, with an unsteady voice, I spoke.

"Hi, honey. It's me." My throat closed up for a moment and I had to wait for the deep hurt to subside before I could start again. "Christ, Will. I really wish...I really wish you hadn't gotten into this mess. I should have checked on you sooner. I'm sorry."

I swallowed, knowing somewhere in the back of my mind that even that wouldn't have changed anything. I could've said a few last words to him about the mission, but I wouldn't have known to say something of real import. Like -

"I love you, Willis. So much," I said aloud, choking back a sob. "Always have, always will. Get better soon, honey. I'll be here when you wake up."

I carefully leaned down to kiss his hair then since the respirator he had on kept me from kissing him on the lips. After that I crouched there a minute longer, knowing I should go; I still had two battalion of Marines to lead in the fight. But just as I started to get up, a new figure approached. Thinking it was Reynolds at first, I turned around and immediately gave the man a questioning look.

"Brandon? What are you doing here?"

Captain Brandon Heat licked his lips. "I uh, I came to see how he was doing, ma'am. I watched him go down. Heard it, too."

"He's not good, Heat. But wait. How did you even get in here?"

"That's...not important." My husband's best friend and wingmate took in a deep breath. "Cooper, there's something I need to tell you about the crash."