Author's Note: Apologies for another short chapter, and not being able to do individual replies to reviews this time. Apparently there's a lot to do even after the nuptials (paperwork and the like), so things are still in hectic post-wedding mode. I very much appreciate all the well-wishes, though, so thanks and I hope you enjoy!

Chapter Thirty-Three: Chew on That

Following the briefing I stood in one of the few long, wide corridors aboard the Excalibur, boots planted firmly apart with my arms crossed over my chest. I didn't say anything and wasn't trying to think too much at the moment; all I did was stare out at the vast expanse of stars just beyond the rare wall-to-wall viewport. Normally that would've put the fear of God in me, especially considering that the invading Storm ship was still out here with us. But for now, though the view was making me uneasy thanks to the knowledge of being on a ship, somehow it didn't seem to outweigh the importance of everything I'd just learned about my past, and present.

Eventually I couldn't keep the swirling thoughts at bay in my mind anymore. I just let my brain go where it needed to, all at once - the implications of what I'd discovered; past actions and events that suddenly made a lot more sense; what things like these Prometheans, Forerunner, and the resurgence of the Remnant might mean for Khan - and maybe for Earth. I thought of my now-regiment of Marines on the surface, of Willis slowly recuperating on the mainland, and of our three kids back home on Mars. Suddenly this wasn't just about the original mission anymore. It wasn't about the rebels, or Khan, or even the Outer Colonies. All in a rush I realized that we could very well go to another full-scale war again.

The thought gripped me so hard I felt my heart clench. I wasn't sure I could go through anything like that again - something contained that threatened a colony or two, sure. But something that threatened our entire species? A second time? That, I didn't know.

Things were already getting dicey here even without the new revelations. And me not having my meds was only going to make it all worse.

"Colonel? Are you all right?"

The question broke into my musings, but I wasn't startled. I guess after my expanded history lesson, it was going to take much more than that to get a reaction out of me. I turned and faced Lieutenant Lloyd with a shrug.

"I don't know, Cal, to be honest," I said. Then I let out a small chuckle. "How are you supposed to feel after learning some pretty earth-shattering shit in one go?"

His lips quirked into a sad smile. "You're supposed to feel like me, ma'am. Every single day."

"You're right. You're used to getting this kind of stuff dumped on you all the time, huh?"

It was a rhetorical question, and Lloyd didn't answer. I released a sigh.

"One of the things I've hated the most about my promotions after the war is that every step up, there's a whole new mental playing field to negotiate. It started off with being aware of the political situation here on Khan, then bumped up to attempting cordial relations with the locals - and with Laraza - and now it's moved on to being told a whole bunch of super secret backstory to the entire damn war we just fought." I pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers. "What the fuck else is there that I missed, Cal? What more am I going to be briefed on that I honestly can say I wish I didn't know?"

The ghost of a smile remained on the spook's face. "You've always been a field officer at heart, Colonel. Through and through. I knew that when I read your file, even before I'd actually met you and discovered it for myself. You never wanted to be involved in the how or why, just the 'what': What can we do to stop it, what concrete intel do we have that could help, what do I lead my men into next, what will get my Marines home safe and complete the mission?" He glanced down at his boots. "In terms of tactical deployment and offense, ma'am, you're second to none. Dealing with the bigger picture, however...that's something you're going to have to get comfortable with real quick now that you're swimming in the deep end."

"I know. I guess it just...takes time."

"That's one of the downsides of going through the ranks so fast. There's no time to digest." He looked up from the deck then and met my gaze. "But you make up for a lot of what you lack in terms of time in the higher paygrades, ma'am. Soon you'll get this, too."

"I hope so. Doesn't look like the universe is giving me much of a choice."

"Just remember something for me."

"What?"

"Everything you learned just now doesn't leave that room. You can't tell your subordinates or anyone else except the three of us. Not even Major Hawk, or Dani, now that she's your XO."

At that I grinned a little for real this time. "Dani, huh? It's getting serious."

"That's not - that wasn't the main takeaway from what I've been saying."

I slapped Caleb on the back, feeling exceedingly amused by his flustered expression. "I may have a lot to learn about dealing with the expanded parts of my responsibilities, Lieutenant, but you have a lot to learn about women."

I left the spook's company shortly after that to take care of a very pressing personal problem - the fact that I'd run out of meds. I had one last ditch attempt up my sleeve - going to see the doctor aboard the Ex - before I knew I was totally well and truly screwed. I went through several more corridors, an elevator, and down two decks before reaching the medical bay. The doctor on duty was Doctor Siara Pierce, and she approached me as soon as I walked in.

"Lieutenant Colonel, what can I do for you?"

"I was hoping you might have a drug in stock for me, Doc," I replied. "It's called InnuREM."

She pulled out her datapad and began pressing her finger against the holographic icons. "Hmm. InnuREM. Let's see..."

My heart sank when I watched the doctor shake her head.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but I don't see the serial number on file here. If it's not on the manifest, it's definitely not aboard ship."

"Okay," I said, feeling more apprehensive of what was to come than disappointed. "Thanks for checking."

"No problem, ma'am."

I was shaking slightly by the time I stepped back out. It wasn't noticeable, but I could feel it - feel that my nerves were on edge. I'd spent the better part of a year suffering my PTSD symptoms in silence during the tail end of the war; only Willis had known about it back then. He was still among just a handful now that knew I took pills for the nightmares. But now, I feared it was going to start becoming obvious to anyone who was near me when it came time to sleep. I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to control the waking up screaming, the shaking, the crying. And though I also knew that it was only going to be gradual at first, eventually, it'd become something debilitating in the field.

One way or another, this mission on Khan had to be wrapped up soon.

I'd managed to calm down considerably after a brief stop by the Excalibur's senior officers' wardroom. A few fingers of scotch down the hatch and I felt good to go again, despite all that I'd learned today - and the fact that the one thing that kept my nightmares in line and allowed me to be functional in combat had just run out. I met back up with Captain Heat in the hangar bay, and he shuttled us down to the surface once more.

For a minute during the flight, I thought of telling my husband - not about what I knew now since I couldn't, but about the meds and how worried I was without them. He'd understand, and he'd never been anything if not great at being able to put my mind at ease with things like that. Truth was though, he'd only just woken up from his coma and I wanted him to focus on getting better, not worrying for me and for himself since there was a good chance he'd never be at the helm of an aircraft again.

Finally I sighed to myself and ran a hand through my hair, thinking of how fucked up everything had suddenly become.

But I decided to do what I'd always done during my almost eleven-year career in the Corps - I kept my mouth shut and sucked it up.