Aftermath

Aftermath, by Adam Lambert

„Wanna scream out
No more hiding
Don't be afraid of what's inside
Gonna tell ya, you'll be alright
In the Aftermath.
Anytime anybody pulls you down
Anytime anybody says you're not allowed
Just remember you are not alone
In the Aftermath."

(Helen)

It was so good to be in Damon's arms and letting him comfort me, but it felt wrong somehow. I had consciously let Kane use my body in order to kill him. I had been a willing participant. How could I ever face Damon again? I pushed him deftly away and jumped from the bed. "But I did it myself!" I burst out. I was upset and angry about myself. „I wasn't compelled! I used my body to kill him!" Was that justification enough? I felt so… dirty; and I was ashamed. I blamed myself for not having searched for another way. Shaking like a leaf, I stood at the window and stared outside. I whished I could be like the snow out there… so pure and so pristine… I couldn't look at Damon, but I then felt his hands on my shoulders. "How did you kill him?" he asked and his voice sounded almost serene. I inhaled deeply while I searched for words. "A wooden letter opener right through his heart when he… when he came", I choked on the last words and almost started crying all over again. How much must this detail hurt him? He turned me around to face him. „Helen, look at me", he said and lifted my chin tenderly with a finger, so that I had to look into his eyes. Rarely had I seen such a loving and concerned expression on his face. He frowned and looked me over. "I love you. And nothing you do or have done will ever change this, got it?" he whispered and brushed his lips faintly on my trembling ones in a kiss.

It was like a salvation, as if he'd pronounced absolution. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face at his chest, sobbing hard. "Shsh, it's okay, it's over, baby", he murmured and pressed his lips to my hair while his hands caressed my back softly. For a while, we just stood there and he held me tight. "I'm so ashamed", I murmured a little later. "And I am damn proud of you", he replied softly. „Proud of your courage and your resolve." He kissed my forehead and I looked into his face. Tenderly he wiped my tears from my cheeks. "And I will make sure that we don't keep any sharp wooden objects in the house", he said with a grin. I couldn't help a small smile creeping on my face. "That's a lot better, come here", he said and led me to the washstand. He dipped the washcloth into the water and softly wiped at my face before he dried it. "And now we'll take our baby and go home. How does that sound?" he asked. „It sounds wonderful, Damon." He kissed me tenderly and I opened my lips for him. Feeling his tongue and his lips like this did good, but in the end he broke the kiss and sighed. "I think we should continue this at home, shouldn't we?" he whispered. I just nodded. I had also felt the familiar tingle in my stomach.

A short glance into the mirror confirmed that I still looked terrible, but there was nothing I could do about it. And I was sure that my baby wouldn't mind. My baby… this felt so strange. I hadn't seen my child for two weeks, hadn't been able to hold him in my arms. I took a deep breath. "Are you ready?" Damon asked. „Not really, but it'll have to do", I replied and opened the door. We joined the others in the living room where Caroline carried the little one on her arms, obviously a very proud aunt. "… and we won't tell your mommy anything, sweetie", she just finished a sentence. "What are you hiding from me?" I asked and walked to her. With a broad smile she placed the baby into my arms. Eyes wide, Brannon looked at me. "Hello, sweetie, do you remember me?" I whispered, enraptured by the color of his eyes. They had the most intense blue I had ever seen. His fine wisps of black hair stood like tiny feathers and I touched them. "So soft…", I sighed. He gurgled happily and reached for me with his tiny hands. I took one between my fingers and caressed it softly. "He likes you. I think he knows who you are", Damon said quietly. Again, my eyes threatened to overflow. "This… I… I hadn't counted on this…" My voice broke and I fell silent. "Here, wrap him in this plaid and let's go home", Abigail interrupted us and handed me a woolen plaid. "What about the corpses?" Tyler asked. „I don't want Laura to remain unburied", Damon stated while he helped me wrapping up Brannon. "I'll take care of it", Jessica said.

Damon and I rode back with Stefan and Elena and we left Kane's van at the cot. Caroline, Tyler, my mother and Abigail stayed to obliterate our tracks and to take care of Laura's corpse. The emotional chaos inside me was overwhelming. I couldn't believe that I was sitting in the backseat of a car, with my son in my arms and cuddled up to Damon. "Feels a little unreal, hm?" he whispered after some time. I just nodded. "Same over here", he replied. „I think we both will need some time to deal with it", he added. Sighing, I let him hold me even tighter. „I would love to hide with you and Brannon somewhere and never face other people again", I whispered and buried my face at his chest. "Brannon… how did you find this name?" I wanted to know. He grinned. „It was Laura's idea, when I mentioned ravens once. Her family was Irish and the name means 'son of the raven'", Damon explained. "She helped you a lot, didn't she?" I asked softly. He nodded with a serious expression. „She was a strong woman. I would've loved to save her…" He inhaled deeply and shook his head slightly. "Sorry", he whispered. I cupped his cheek with my hand. „No, don't. What you had to endure… I don't have words for it… you have every right to feel chaotic emotions, you know?" I told him quietly. He gulped and nodded. "I love you", he breathed into my ear and his eyes shimmered moist. I just smiled and pulled his head down to mine for a long kiss.

(Damon)

After quite a few hours, Stefan drove the jeep up our driveway. It was late in the evening. Helen and Brannon lay fast asleep in my arms. Stefan got out and opened my door. "Can you please hold your nephew for a moment?" I asked him and held the sleeping baby to him. His eyes widened in fear. "I… I can't", he said defensively. "Oh, come on, Stef', it isn't that hard. See, one arm here and one here. There you go", I said casually after I had wrapped his arms correctly around the baby, ignoring his protest. Elena giggled quietly about Stefan's awkward but also mesmerized expression. I lifted Helen into my arms and carried her inside. Stefan followed me. It was funny to see that he carried Brannon as carefully as he would a basket of raw eggs. Bonnie and Jeremy approached us. "Damon!" Little-Gilbert burst. „Shush!" Stefan hissed at him. „You'll wake the baby!" he whispered. Bonnie crept closer. „Caroline called, telling us you're coming", she said quietly and glanced at Helen and the baby. "Is she hurt?" she asked. I weighed my head. „Not on the outside, Bonnie", I replied softly. She nodded with understanding. „You better take her upstairs", she said with a nod towards the stairs. "And Damon?" I turned around once more. „It's good to have you back", she added with a smile.

I lay Helen down on my bed and took the baby from Stefan's arms. He was obviously relieved to give him to me. "Thanks, Stefan", I said and placed Brannon next to his mother. I turned back to my brother. "Thank you for everything", I elaborated and held my hand out. "Idiot", he murmured and pulled me into a tight embrace. For a short time we just clung to each other. "I wish we had found you earlier", Stefan whispered deeply moved. It was too much, I nearly cracked. Tears threatened to fall, but I held them back. „Me too, Stef', me too", I croaked. I was a bundle of nerves. The dead center which had reached Helen on our drive here, now hit me and I felt completely exhausted. "Just let us sleep as long as possible, okay?" I finally sniffled. "Okay", he nodded and left us alone. Running on empty, I sank onto the mattress next to Helen and our son. I was tired, so tired… I just wanted to sleep… When I woke up again, they were both gone. I jumped from the bed and ran to the door. Outside in the hallway, I saw that the door to the room next to mine was open and entered it. It was a nursery with toys and mobiles hanging from the ceiling. Helen had Brannon on her arms and stood by the window. Reuben was next to her and grinned diabolically. "Welcome, Damon, welcome to hell!" he screamed and with a flick of his wrist, my child and my beloved went up in flames. I screamed and wanted to save them, but something restricted me. "Damon! Wake up, Damon!" A slap in my face brought me back to reality. It had just been a dream!

Helen's concerned face appeared above mine. „Damon! It was just a dream", she said and caressed my cheek. It stung a little. „Did you just slap me?" I asked disbelieving. She grinned. „You wouldn't wake up", she replied and shrugged. „Brannon?" I asked startled. It was sunny outside. „What time is it?" I said. „Almost noon. Brannon was hungry and woke me", she replied. „Come, I want to show you something." She got up and I followed her to the room next door. "Surprise", she whispered and pushed me forward. It was a fully furnished nursery, with a wardrobe, a changing table, a rocker, it even had a small sofa. My son slept in his refurbished crib and something like a radio was attached to it. "What's that?" I asked curiously. „A baby monitor. We can hear him wherever we are in the house", she explained. "When I woke up, Caroline showed me everything. She's done a real good job, don't you think?" Astonished, I looked around. It was really perfect. „Caroline did this? Incredible!" I returned. „Don't you want to thank her?" Helen asked and nodded towards the door. Caroline stood there and peered into the room. I crossed my arms. "Caroline Forbes!" I said in a strident voice and flashed in front of her. She flinched a little and her eyes went wide. Softly I cupped her face. "If you weren't taken, I would kiss you right now", I growled playfully. Relieved she let a sigh and giggled. "Thank you", I said. She nodded. „You're welcome", she replied and vanished.

A week later, Helen sat in the nursery one evening, feeding Brannon. I just watched her. Thank God, we had been able to wean him off my blood. Helen acted as acquainted with our son as I did and had gotten past their separation. One day after our arrival, we had taken him to Dr. Fell for a checkup. Meredith had assured us that he was doing fine and my idea to feed him my blood had definitely saved his life. He just needed to gain a little more weight. She was shocked to hear what had happened and offered her help, especially psychological support, but Helen declined. She had just asked for a physical examination and she was okay – at least on the outside. After Brannon had burped like the good boy he was, she put him back to sleep and into the crib. "Good night, little sweetheart", she whispered and grabbed the baby monitor. I got up. "Are you coming?" I asked and nodded towards our bedroom. We had installed a connecting door a few days ago. "I want to read a little", she replied hesitantly and went down into the library.

I sighed inaudibly and let her go. I was aware that she still blamed herself for the sex with Kane. She hadn't had a choice. Kane would've forced her one way or the other. The fact that she hadn't been compelled – a still unsolved puzzle - didn't matter, at least not to me. But she saw it differently, she saw herself as a willing participant. And she withdrew from physical contact, more and more. She just allowed hugs and kisses. I didn't want to push her boundaries, but if she didn't break this vicious cycle soon, she would end up completely shut off. I decided to follow her into the library. She crouched on the couch, reading. "Which book is more important than the man who loves you, hm?" I asked and plopped down next to her. I glanced at the cover. „Pride and prejudice? You've got to be kidding me!" I burst out. She giggled and put the book away. „What is it the man who loves me wants?" she asked. I lifted her feet on my lap and took her slippers off. "The man who loves you", I started and massaged her soles, "wants you to go to bed with him." I let my fingers wander to her ankles and she gasped. "What for?" she whispered with her eyes closed and enjoyed my ministrations. My fingers found their way into her sweatpants, caressing her calves. "To keep my bad dreams in check and…" I stopped talking because for the first time I wasn't sure how to phrase it. This is new, I thought.

Helen rolled her heels on my lap, teasing a particular part of my body. "And?" she whispered. I captured her feet and she held still. "And maybe together we can try to fight your nightmares." She seemed to ponder on it. "And how would you do that?" she replied softly. I let my fingers wander higher and caress the inside of her thigh. "I would replace your memories with new ones", I whispered and kissed her ankle. She shivered. I pushed the fabric up her leg and started to kiss her calve. With a hiss she drew her breath and let her head fall back. "All of them?" she gasped. „Mmh, if you want to…" I cooed and supported myself on one knee between her thighs while I lifted the hem of her shirt with my teeth, shoving my nose underneath it. "Ah…", she moaned when I started kissing her abdomen and her navel. I hadn't been able to get this far in the past few days, maybe now was the right time… "Helen", I growled now. "What?" I stopped my ministrations and moved up to look down on her face. "Come to bed with me, please", I demanded softly. She opened her eyes and looked straight into mine. A doubtful frown appeared on her forehead. "I… I'm afraid to see not just your face", she whispered. I lowered my lips to her mouth and let my tongue dance on her lips. She responded passionately. "Does this feel like him?" I whispered. She shook her head and I could see tears in her eyes. „Do you want me to show you what else feels different?" She took a deep shaky breath and nodded. I lifted her into my arms and carried her upstairs to our bedroom…