The first week he holds on to his self-righteous anger pretty hard. If Cas wants to flit off and ignore him then fine. Great. That's what he wanted anyway. He did okay without him for over 30 years. And he hasn't flipped his crazy switch in a while either so fuck him.
Sam asks about that night and he tells him he got in a fight with a random drunk asshole. He adds 'Corporate Douchebag' internally. After they take out a Wendigo, he asks if him and Cas are okay again and Dean just shrugs.
The next week he starts to go over their fight. Word for word. Mostly all the shit he said. Cas' face before he turned away outside the motel. Cas' hand on someone else's leg. Cas' tie between someone else's fingers. Finally Cas' face when he pulled back from making out with him hot and heavy out behind the bar.
The third week Dean just misses him. He bites the bullet and starts to pray. Cas never answers. He didn't really expect him to. At night he stares at the ceiling and keeps up a one-way conversation. What they're doing. What state they're driving through. What monster they're tracking. What stupid shit him and Sam fought about in the car. Finally.. that he's sorry.
He begins to wonder if maybe Cas won't come back. It would probably be better for the angel in the long run, honestly. Dean can't help feeling sick at that thought, anyway. He ends up pouring himself more and more whiskey at night when he can't shut off his head.
The fourth week Dean has to start cutting again. He feels the black eagerness begin to roll back in and look for openings. The two vengeful spirits they take out by salt and burning them don't even begin to satisfy it. He needs to see blood.. so he cuts his own arm. Above the sleeve line, high up, so it won't freak out his brother.. who already keeps asking him if he's okay.
He sits out in the Impala and whispers Cas' name with the final slice like some kind of morbid tribute. It feeds the dark, greedy shadows in him like a tiny death. They lick their lips and stare at him with shiny eyes.. waiting for more. Always more. Never quite enough.
When Sam tries to joke with him now, he laughs but doesn't give anything back. He's quiet. He drinks until he can sleep. Or passes out trying. The motel rooms blend together, he leaves little deaths behind him. Either the monsters or his and he feels himself growing cold and looking for a reason to give in but Sam's always there.
When he prays now he just says Cas' name.
He's driving down an empty road for no other reason than he can't sleep, again. The whispers are louder when he's in bed. They love the quiet dark. Fester in it.
Cas is just suddenly there, like the old days. Pops in and stares ahead like nothing.
"Cas?!" He swerves before he's able to right the car again and pull off the deserted road.
The angel glances at him once and then stares straight ahead again without speaking.
The dead engine ticks in the silence.
Dean didn't know what to say first now that he was here.
"Look, I'm sorry ok? I screwed up. I get that you're pissed." He's talking too fast. "Don't leave again."
"I'm not here to listen to your apology." Cas says evenly.
"What more do you want from me? I said I'm sorry over and over again when you were off ignoring me."
"I understand you are sorry."
'What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means you are selfish and unevolved,even for a human.. but it seems I am unable to just leave you as you are."
Dean is quiet, watching Cas look out at the empty night.
"I do not want to think about you." Cas says without emotion.
They're silent for a long time. Dean knows he doesn't have the words to fix this. He waits another minute with his heart hammering and inches his hand across the seat until his fingers hit Cas'. When Cas doesn't pull away, he covers them to clasp tightly.
This small connection for them.. skin to skin after what seemed like.. It was like finally breaking the surface when he'd been held under water for so long he thought he'd drown. Relief floods him and he feels stupidly like sobbing.
Cas looks down at their hands, then at Dean.
'I'll come for you tomorrow."
He doesn't leave.
Dean tries again, "I know I'm a mess and I don't deserve anything from you."
"That's accurate."
"Please Cas, I'm trying here.."
"And how long before your next crisis?"
That was fair. Dean didn't know how to answer and it showed.
'It doesn't matter. I'm only here to help you."
They're still linked by their hands and Dean knows he is pushing his luck but with Cas finally in front of him.. he doesn't want him to leave yet.
"I missed you."
Cas' finger uncurl from his and he takes back his hand.
"And what did you miss, Dean?" He said to the windshield. He wasn't going to make this easy.
Dean sighed and tries to shake loose some courage. He wrestled with monsters in the dark on a regular basis but putting this into words had his voice shaking. He hated talking about his feelings but for Cas he would try. After another minute of heavy silence, he starts.
"I miss how you never get any of my jokes, which is dumb but I do." He paused. "The way you say my name.. especially when you're about to.. Uh.. I missed how your fingers feel in my hair.." He swallows "when you're pulling it."
Dean glances up from fidgeting with the keyring to see Cas is looking at him now and forces himself to say a bit more but can't move his eyes from the radio dial. Shit, this was embarrassing.
"How you know when to kiss and when to bite. I really miss your hands." He's lost in a hot memory of soapy fingers for a moment. Dean blushes and laughs once. "I miss how you sometimes look at me like I'm your whole goddamn world or something."
Cas acted like he was worth way more than he knew he was. He doesn't deserve his looks or his faith. He called him beautiful for Christ's sake..
Dean is lost in thought when Cas' fingers curve around his neck. He's too close moving them slowly together. Lips touch tentatively. It's sweet and perfect and without hurry. Not frantic as it could be between them. God, he wants to roll around in the feeling of this. Dean is suddenly so glad he didn't lose him.
Cas pulls back and with his forehead against Dean's says "Sleep. I will return in the morning."
And he's gone.
They're circling each other in another random forest clearing. He's been getting knocked down for hours but the dark over-eager things inside him are curiously quiet. Lulled to sleep. No matter how many times he eats the dirt, he's just too damn happy to be doing this again with Cas. He only gets barely there flickers that never catch.
Dean doubles over, hands on knees and can see Cas' frown. And it's fucking great to even see Cas' frown again.
"C'mon," he breathes hard. "Don't I get points for effort?"
"You're not concentrating."
Cas stops too close to him and Dean can't help it when he sees an opening as Cas looks back to see where the sun is at.
Dean barrels into him until they connect with a wide oak a few feet behind the angel.
Cas is surprised as Dean doesn't move to strike but goes in to rub his lips over his neck. Cas has always been the one to iniate.
"C'mon, wasn't I good?"
"You were too good," he says a little breathy. Cas pushes forward and with a flutter and whoosh of air, he's the one against another tree, Cas' body caging his own.
"You believe you should be rewarded for being distracted?" Cas eyes are darkening as he takes in Dean's face, an inch away from his. He grabs hair at the top of Dean's head with his right hand and pulls. Both Dean's hands shoot up to clasp his wrist. He winces and makes a little involuntary groan in his throat.
Dean's shirt rides up when his arms lift. He sucks in air through his gritted teeth and closes his eyes.
Not loosening his hold, Cas drops his eyes to the exposed skin of his stomach. Then he drags his fingers over it and traces the top of Dean's jeans.
"Wait." Dean gasps.
"Wait?" Cas doesn't look up but pops the button.
Dean tries to think past the thrill of Cas getting all aggressive after so long. He wants to let him take over but Cas is always the one steering.. pushing forward and Dean just lets it happen. He wants to give back, wants to give him something.. a small step forward for him (though it feels like the length of a canyon). He can at least try.
Dean drops his hands to cover the one Cas has going for his zipper. He tenses and releases Dean's hair immediately. Before Cas can get the wrong idea, Dean reaches up to put his hands on his shoulders.
He stays that way for a full minute and Cas' eyebrows furrow in confusion.
"Dean?"
Dean buys some time to gather his courage by moving his hands under the trenchcoat to push it off his angel's shoulders. Then does the same with the suit jacket. Cas still seems confused but waits for him, face less weary and more bemused.
Dean turns them so Cas' is back against the tree.
He doesn't have the stomach to just drop to his knees. Maybe if he started with kissing. Cas waits and Dean leans in to kiss his neck. He tilts his head and Dean concentrates on making his own little mark. He sucks Cas' skin into his mouth and feels Cas lift off the tree a bit. He keeps at it a while, unknotting the tie to pull it off, then reaching up to unbutton his shirt. Following the path of his fingers, he kisses a slow open-mouthed path downward.
Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Cas raise his hands before he fists them and drops them back to his side. Dean smiles into the skin he's dragging his lips and teeth along. Cas is struggling to remain still and allow Dean to explore. It seems now that he's got a taste of control, it's hard for him to sit passive. Good. That urges Dean on. It's helping with the nerves.
He's midway down his chest, hands holding onto a lean muscled torso and would usually be preoccupied with a chick's fleshy tits. One of his more adventurous conquests had tried to get him into letting her bite and pinch his nipples. If he'd been honest, some of it was kinda hot. He gave Cas' right one a quick pass of his flattened tongue. That gets a little noise and Dean tries to make him repeat it.
He could do this. He would do this. He bites the skin above his belt now that the shirt is all the way open and untucked.
Dean is to his knees before he realizes it and undoes the belt at face level. The button. The zipper that seems obscenely loud.
He looks up to Cas for the first time since he began his descent. Cas' breathing has picked up and the look in his eyes makes Dean's semi-hard cock stiffen and twitch. Cas staring down at him does awesome things to his dick.
He finally pulls down the pants and briefs all together. Dean's hands grip Cas' naked hips, skin white from where his fingers are pressing in too hard.
Fuck, why did he ask to do this? Cas never asked him. He could have gone on as they were. Comfortable. But here he was on his knees staring at a dude's dick like a bitch. But it wasn't just some dude it was Cas.
"Dean." Fingers stroked through his hair, calming him. He looked up.
"You don't have to do this."
"No. I want to. I'm just.. shit, I don't what the hell I'm doing."
When Dean would have looked away, Cas' fingers tighten to keep his head facing up at him.
"Do you want me to help you?"
A wave of relief washes away the panic. Not knowing exactly what he meant, he still nods. He just needs Cas to take back some control now.
When Cas' fingers tighten again to get a better grip, Dean's eyes roll back a bit. Cas is grabbing his exposed cock by the base and moving Dean's head a little forward.
Before Dean can think about letting the anxiety back in over what he's about to do, Cas pushes his pink head past Dean's already parted lips. Then immediately back out to trace the outside of his mouth. Precum and his own saliva are left behind where he rubs.
"I believe my Father made your lips for this moment."
Cas version of dirty talk should have made him snap out of the fog of lust he was drowning in. He basically had just said his mouth was made for cock-sucking, but with pressure on the back of his head and Cas' small noises.. those words made him want to cream his pants without being touched.
Dean squeezes Cas' thighs as he's pulled forward again. This time he curls his tongue along the underside of his shaft when Cas' pulls his head back. Cas moans deeply and Dean loves the power he's getting over him.
He lets Dean move off him for a second to breathe. He grins and says "I didn't know Angels of the Lord made noises like that."
Cas tongue darts out to wet his lips, dry from panting. "Finish opening your pants. Pleasure yourself."
He only gives Dean a few seconds to quickly pull out his own stiff cock before he's shoving his wet dick back into his mouth. Cas groans loudly.
Worrying over what he's doing is impossible when he's coasting on the good feelings of jerking his dick fast and Cas' forcing him down over and over again. He sucked hard, cheeks caving everytime Cas' withdraws. He feels the fingers in his hair release and clench harder, rhythm faltering.
He cums at Cas' feet not long after that, dick still sliding between his puffy lips. He watches Cas' above him, trying to keep up suction when he's shuddering from release. Cas' eyes are averted to the sky and it almost looks like he's praying when his eyes keep closing. Cas is beautiful like this. Before Dean can start panicking about how he was supposed to handle the next part (Does he spit it out? Pull back before?) the decision is taken away from him.
Cas cups his cheek with his left hand, other still tight in his hair. Gentle but firm. He's held in place, dick throbbing on his tongue as he swallows it down. He didn't have time to freak out. It was over.
Cas pants as he releases Dean's head and falls to his knees in front of him. Cas eyes are drugged and leans forward to brace his hands on Dean's shoulders. He kisses his bruised lips gently.
"If I were not an angel.. I would worry that I was dying." He looks shaken, still gasping.
Dean gets a shot of pride and cups his face to catch his next gasp with his mouth.
"You taste kinda sweet." He says against his lips.
Author's Note: Sorry this took a bit longer than usual. Weekends are not my most productive of times. Still with me?