Freak of Nature
I don't own Harry Potter, nor do I make any money off of this work, period.
AN: Ok, I get it on the platform, honest mistake given that I had written out the last chapter on scraps of paper and then tried to read my handwriting to type it up. This is what happens when you don't have time to sit down and write the whole chapter out from start to finish, type up your notes at 1:00 in the morning, and are brain dead from work, you miss these "little" details. Stupid writing on a napkin… Sorry, oops, my bad.
Another chapter, here we go. A Sorting we will go, a sorting we will go, Hi-ho the merry-oh a sorting we will go.
[parsel]
/creepy crawly critters/
{Primal Beast Language}
Chapter 15: Driving them bat shit crazy
"I've always felt that the best whips and chains are in the mind. With a little creativity, the physical ones are hardly necessary."
— Jim Butcher (Blood Rites)
The remainder of the train ride to Hogwarts went about as expected for Harry. People gawked and sputtered wide eyed when he walked past their compartments, and a giggling group of girls began to trail Harry's path. The girls were vapid fans were annoying, dogging his footsteps but staying a good distance away, twittering whenever he shot a fake smile their way. By the time he had made it to the front of the train the kids had started to wear on his nerves, so he ducked into a bathroom and slid out the window of the moving train. He spent the remainder of the trip on the top of the train, enjoying the breeze created by riding a fast moving vehicle, watching the smoke from the engine's stack billowing up above his head as he lay on his back and watched the smoke and clouds pass by as the evening headed toward the dark of night.
As the sky darkened and the train began to slow for its arrival at the station, Harry decided that it was time he stopped laying around and got ready to deal with Hogwarts. Standing up, Harry braced his legs as the train slowed to a stop, the train car shifted forward and then back as the brakes fully engaged and the inertia shifted the train cars on their suspension. Brushing off his robes, Harry heard the children spilling off the train, the excited sounds of their voices ushering up to him.
Looking over the edge of the train, Harry glanced down and found an opening in the rush of bodies heading towards the carriages and towards a towering figure that stood at one end of the platform.
With a statement of "Tally-Ho!" Harry leapt from the train and landed on the platform in a gap of people. Flexing his knees only slightly, he stood up in the midst of once again startled children; those around him once again gawking at Harry and stunned by the fact that he just seemed to appear in their midst.
"First years! First years over here!" Came a booming voice from down the platform. Turning to look, Harry noted that it came from a towering figure who wore a bushy beard and a long brown coat.
"Hmmm, must be a half-giant." Harry's thoughts supplied him. "Perhaps a possible tool to be used, what with his size and possible inborn resistance to some spells. Something to look into." Harry mentally noted, chewing the inside of his cheek in thought as he and his fellow first years turned to follow the large man.
Harry followed the man along a path that led to a group of boats on the edge of a large lake. Following directions, Harry entered a boat with the frizzy haired girl and the boy who was fretting over the loss of his toad; anything was better than sitting in a boat with sycophants or those who just wanted to ask him about his scar or whether he remembered "You-Know-Who" killing his parents.
The boats lunged out into the lake and ported around a hillock, the view of the castle became clear to all of the first year students as they cleared the mound. All around Harry he heard gasps of amazement at the massive fortress that was lit up before him. But whereas the students around him looked on in amazement and joy at the magic before them, Harry had eyes only for the possibilities and the tool that stood before him.
Power, unmitigated military might is what Hogwarts represented to him. No other place in magical Britain had such powerful protective and offensive wards, and that wasn't even taking into account the massive hardened walls and defensive structures. Gargoyles lined the towers, and though well lit, the windows were perfect battle slits or embankments by which a defender could launch spells or missiles with little danger of receiving return fire. All together the outside of the castle was formidable, all the more so when controlled by a magic user worth his snuff. The other children saw Hogwarts as the manifestation of the wonderment of magic, Harry simply saw it as another tool.
Harry's mask cracked for a second as an evil smirk spread across his face and his eyes seemed to glow for a second. But his features were soon painting the picture of the same wonderment as the other students, even if a perceptive observer would have been able to see that his mask of enjoyment seemed a bit plastic in its approximation of joy and wonder.
Before they knew it they were coming up on a cavern that seemed to lead under the castle's ramparts, Harry's tactical mind and memories from Scorpius told him that it was most likely a sally-port for water-born resupply.
"Everyone down, mind your heads!" The 'half-giant' stated and the children following suit.
Before them was a stone quay and stairs leading up towards a great oak and iron bound door. The banisters that lead up the stairway were stone, with orbs of light at their forefront closest to the quay. The orbs on the two banisters, or magical torches as they seemed to be, were held up by the claws of an ironwork badger and griffin, both seeming to stand on their hind legs and grasping the orb in their claws as if issuing them forth towards the sky. Around the orb entwined was a serpent of darkened bronze scales, and an eagle was on top with its wings outspread.
As Harry stepped out of the boat, it seemed as if the air around him started to hum and an oppressive pressure began to build up in his ears. Immediately on guard, Harry's snapped his head up and crouched in a defensive position, his eyes searching for the perceived threat.
The students around him seemed unaffected, merrily getting out of their boats and proceeding up the stairs behind the half-giant and totally unaware of Harry's heightened sense of alarm. Suddenly a hiss seemed to register from his left, and then his right, as if a snake was talking to him in stereo. A wind that seemed to only effect Harry seemed to push him towards the castle, and the ground at his feet seemed to rumble as if something was burrowing underneath him. The sounds of winged creatures seemed to come on the wind, and Harry's head darted in all directions to see what was attacking him, only to see that the other children were totally unfazed and unawares of the actions focused upon Harry.
Crouching, claws extending from his fingers, slits forming in his eyes, the world seemed to slow as the sounds around Harry now were now focused from the two banisters and their orb wielding creatures. The once metal and stone figures seemed to flex, breathe, slither and flap, only noticeable by Harry's eyes as the children and adult figure seemed to be trapped out of time. Bearing his sharp teeth in a defensive snarl against this unknown magic, Harry waited for what seemed to be building up; the movements of the animals on the light scone seemed to turn into a frenzy of flapping, squawking, roaring and hissing.
Then suddenly, there was a tremendous flash of light, and the world around Harry seemed to disappear.
Narcissa Malfoy nee' Black found herself on her knees in a dank and dark dungeon, hands and head prostrated to the ground. A dark and blue tinged light seemed to filter in through the doors of the cell she found herself in, as the sounds of myriad skittering creatures could be heard to issue from the walls and ceiling around her.
Frightened, she tried to stand up, tried to pull the wand that was still tucked into her hair, tried to scream or yell for help. She was helpless, bound by invisible bonds and paralyzed so that she could not move or even make a sound. Only her wide eyes were allowed to look around her, and her chest was allowed to rise and fall as she breathed.
As the hours would pass, the pain in her knees would grow along with her worry. Her worry was then extended to new heights when, in the distance, she heard insane laughter followed by the screams of one who absolutely had to be dying.
There was no respite for Narcissa, and she would remain in that position until she passed out from the pain in her knees and the lessening of her initial adrenaline rush.
Her last thoughts as the darkness claimed her was, "Help me!"
The late afternoon of September 1st found Sirius sitting in the 'planning room' of 12 Grimmauld Place, formally known as his mother's room. Sirius had to chuckle at the payback of planning the overthrow of Voldemort from his mother the blood purist's room. His chuckle was cut off a second later as he quirked his head to the side, "Then again, Voldemort is a half-blood, so mother would probably be happy that I'm taking up the family business of killing the 'tainted.'" Sirius thought to himself with a sardonic smile.
Standing up from his place at the table, he moved over to the wall and started rearranging post-it notes into columns and idea-webs that had ideas on one side and supplies needed connected to them with string. Operation "Drive Them Bat Shit Crazy" was about to commence, but they were missing a few necessary components. Some of those should be appearing right about…
GONG!
The sound of an incoming traveler to the house reverberated through the room, causing Sirius to smile a slightly crazy smile.
"Perfect!" Sirius cackled, running his hand through his hair and then down to stroke the stubble on his chin. Wiping the sleepers from his eyes, he turned around to the south wall of the room and used his wand to create a checkmark on box 254 of the list of things to do. Looking at his watch, he saw that he should be receiving an owl from Gringotts at any moment.
"Tap tap Tap tap." Sounded at the window.
"Excelent" Sirius cackled, a small voice in the back of his head told him that 'this cackling thing was getting to be a bit much, and maybe he should throw in a maniacal chuckle or evil bellow every now and then.' His second small voice in his head answered with, 'what did the first small voice know, it was insane.' 'Very true' uttered the third small voice, which for some reason sounded like a little girl's voice.
Shaking his head and feeling the little voices rattle around in it, Sirius turned to the window and opened it for the large black owl who bore a letter with the Gringotts seal on it.
Summoning a bit of banger from his plate on the table, Sirius gave it to the bird and took the letter. The owl accepted the treat and then retreated back into the now early evening air.
Sliding his wand along the seal of the wax, Sirius cracked the seal and opened the letter addressed to Harry or Harry's 'steward'.
Lord Black,
We are pleased to inform you that the marriage of the former Narcissa Malfoy nee' Black has been annulled due to violation of marriage contract stipulation 1237: at no time will a Black serve or support the employ of any mudblood, half-blood, or blood-traitor, subject to interpretation by the then Lord Black.
As you know, Lucius Malfoy is a marked member of the group supporting one Thomas Marvalo Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort, a half-blood of pure magical and non-magical-muggle descent.
As per the instructions of Lord Black, the contract clause was triggered on August 28th of this year, thus annulling the marriage and returning to the control of Lord Black all property exchanged by contract as dowry or wife. Further, all proceeds gained from the employ of the property of the House of Black has now been returned to the Black ancestral mansion or vaults.
We hope you have a pleasant day.
Gringotts
"WA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Sirius bellowed evily. 'Very nice evil bellow there' the first voice stated, to which Sirius answered with a "Thank you."
Suddenly there was a "POP" sound behind Sirius and he turned to see big beady eyes and a floppy eared head looking up at him.
"Dobby is here to present himself to his new master. Is you Lord Black?" Dobby said, looking up at Sirius out of the corner of his eyes as he kept his head bent down, wringing the edge of his stained pillowcase between his hands.
Smiling a big smile at Dobby, Sirius knelt down on one knee so that he could look at Dobby in his face. Sirius had mixed interactions with house-elves. On one side there was Kreacher who Sirius had hated with all of his heart, on the other side had been the house-elves who brought food to the prisoners of Azkaban and helped take care of the prisoners when the dementors weren't around; which wasn't that often.
"Why hello there Dobby. No, I am not Lord Black, but I can send you on to help him out if that's what you want to do?" Sirius offered, a kind smile creeping through to supplant his formerly insane grin.
"Dobby is being asked what he wants? Dobby be doing what he is told, Dobby is a good elf!" Dobby said, looking at Sirius aghast and wringing his hands that much more rigorously.
Lowering himself to sit cross-legged on the floor, Sirius smiled at Dobby. "Of course you are, but Harry could use your help, and Harry doesn't want anybody to be a slave to him. I'm certainly not going to keep somebody as a slave after what I've been through. So do you want to help Harry Potter, the Lord Black?" Sirius questioned with a kind look, he could see that this elf had been beaten down just as much as Harry or he had been.
"I can serve the Great Harry Potter?" Dobby asked with joy filling his face, his ears perking up and tears starting to drip from his large eyes.
"Yep, Harry is Lord Black. So now you are Harry Potter's elf. But he will have to tell you what he wants done, if anything. So why don't you go see him over at Hogwarts?" Sirius stated, now showing a large smile.
Dobby seemed to be speechless, happy tears leaked from his eyes as he looked at Sirius. And then with a leap, Dobby spanned the distance and gave Sirius a soggy hug around his neck, taking Sirius off guard.
Realizing what he had done, Dobby jumped back from Sirius, blew his nose in his pillow case, and then disappeared with a snap of his fingers.
Sirius just laughed at the actions of the elf, remembering how it had felt to finally have his freedom, and then with a swish of his wand Sirius checked off the box on the south wall regarding getting a house-elf.
Standing up, Sirius returned to moving around the post-it notes, adding a few notes that included Dobby in the 'assets ready for action column.' Stepping back from the wall, Sirius nodded with satisfaction at the work he had completed. It was also a nice plus that when standing back from the wall of post-it notes that an image of that month's play-wizard centerfold seemed to appear; ok, it took some imagination, but that is what being insane was for, got to love those dementors for that gift.
GONG!
Sirius yanked his wand out and turned towards the door, looking away from the post-it note image of the centerfold on the wall that had just winked at him. Looking down at his watch, he saw that they weren't expecting any visitors for at least another seven to eight hours.
Shoving open the door to the room, Sirius rushed down the stairs towards the entry hall, wand leading the way. Jumping down the final staircase, Sirius landed with a roll, coming up with his wand pointing towards the door to the front of the house. Nobody was there.
Standing up, Sirius started to look around him to see if he had missed somebody, only to hear a rabid squeaking at his feet.
Looking down, Sirius saw that his birthday had come early. Wrapped in red ribbons, and obviously awake now, was a squirming Peter Pettigrew in rat form.
Fury, Happiness, Rage, Giddiness, Anger, and Insanity rushed through Sirius's mind, forming a red haze to fall in front of his vision.
Pointing his wand at the rat, Sirius gave a flick and a levicorpus, raising the rat up to the height of Sirius's face and dangling it in the air by its tail.
"Hello, Peter. I'm so glad you decided to join me, what, with me missing you last time!" Sirius snarled, insanity clearly shining through his eyes to the squealing struggling rat. "I should kill you!" Sirius stated, but then seeing the note from Harry that was attached to the ribbons, "But then again, it's your lucky day. You're going to be my new favorite squeaky toy." Sirius said as he directed the rat in front of him, dangling in the air as they proceeded into the back rooms of the first floor; Kreacher's old 'play room' where they kept the sharp and rusty 'toys' for playing with muggles.
As the door to the room closed, the view from the hall showed several flashes of light issuing out from under the door, and then a whiny voice stating, "Sirius, my old friend! He made me do it, I couldn't help it…" Only to be shut up by another flash of light and Sirius's voice yelling "Silencio!"
It was then that the cackling and wild laughter began, as more flashes of orange, purple, and a myriad of other colors flashed beneath the door. A few minutes later the sounds of screaming could be heard to issue from the room as Sirius had no doubt canceled the silencing spell. The screams and mad laughter would issue on through the rest of the evening and on into the night.
It was a beginning, an end, an expansion of time, an eternity that seemed to happen in a blink of an eye, and then Harry found himself standing again on the stone stairs leading out of Hogwarts lakeside sally port. His arm was outstretched and his hand was resting on the left banister and its lit orb; all evidence that he had been in a position of 'fight or flight' was gone, and his fully human and "Boy-Who-Lived" mask was firmly in place. The children were still walking up the stairs, totally oblivious to the actions and magic that had just happened in their midst.
Whereas the children and the half-giant were unchanged, Harry had not been unscathed by the magic. Though it had seemed like an instant, Harry had experienced and learned much; for it is one thing for an Heir of Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw to come to Hogwarts but it is something entirely different when the Lord of a Founder's house arrives at Hogwarts. Harry was both the Lord of House Gryffindor and the Lord of Slytherin, in short, Hogwart's belonged to Harry, it was his to wield.
Again a smile crept across Harry's face as he stood there, communing with the school and quickly reviewing what the magic had taught him in that instance of being caught out of time. The school's history was all there, the real history and not the one told by the "victors." The ward structure and control of the wards was his to take control of if he wanted, and the nature of the battlements and the passageways throughout the castle were his to use and control. Whereas Sirius had told him of how the Marauder's had created a map that let them know where a person was within Hogwart's walls, Harry had access to the very heart and soul of Hogwarts itself; a living entity of semi-intelligence that would tell him whatever information it could gather. Harry's ability to access Hogwart's intelligence made the Marauder's map look like a cheap children's toy in comparison. Normally this power rested in the controls of the Headmaster, but now it was in the so called administrative control of the Lord of the castle. With this power came not only the ability to know what was going on within Hogwarts, but to keep others from tracking where he was or informing on his actions. The school informed him that he would have to discover the private areas of the four founders by himself, or have the information given to him by one who knew of it, but otherwise the fortress was his to completely control when he wished it.
Patting the orb gently, and then caressing it as if it was a lover, Harry trailed his hand over it and along the banister as he proceeded to follow the first year students up the stairs; none of them realizing that a new tool and weapon had just been added to Harry's quiver of destruction.
Harry and the children had made it to the top of the stairs where the large man knocked on the doors and the children met a severe looking woman with tightly swept back hair and a firm line to her clenched lips. The man handed the children off to the lady, allowing Harry to learn their names were Hagrid and Professor McGonagall. The professor focused on the students for a moment, suggesting they 'tidy up' as her gaze swept across the gathered first years.
Harry noted that her gaze seemed to linger on him longer than it did on the other students. "Interesting," He thought, "There was more to that gaze then just the normal celebrity worshipers." Harry postulated, only partially listening to the Professor's words regarding the upcoming sorting. Professor McGonagall then turned and reentered the two massive doors, leaving the children to gossip and whisper about the upcoming mysterious sorting.
The children started talking among themselves.
"I hear they ask you questions about yourself until they see which house likes you the best," a cute Hindi girl stated, giggling with a blonde who stood next to her; the twin of the Hindi girl merely snorted with a smile on her face, shaking her head at her sister's statement and twitters.
A boy with an Irish accent could be heard in the back stating that he overheard two older red-headed students say something about wrestling a troll, which started the other kids gasping and wondering if they would really have to do something crazy like that.
The frizzy haired brunette who had ridden in the boat with Harry put in her two-cents worth, or more accurately her two galleons worth as she started talking without really stopping to breath. "I hear it's a test of knowledge and skill. I of course read through all of the first years materials as well as reviewed my textbooks from the muggle world so that I could have a better understanding of what was going on. I've only tried a few of the spells, but they have all worked well for me. Why I think that the professors will probably make us show some sort of intelligence quiz with a personality portion…"
Harry interrupted the girl, "I think it will be something quite simple and quick, perhaps an enchanted item that places you into the right house." He said with a smile. The children all seemed to stop their conversations and stare at him, listening to his mature and somewhat baritone voice; apparently puberty was coming early for Harry Potter.
Harry of course knew what to expect, what with having the memories of Scorpius Black's original sorting in his head. Of course the other students didn't know that though many of them knew who he was and took his statement as the gospel truth. The frizzy haired brunette seemed to go for the more scientific approach however and decided to question Harry's knowledgebase.
"I'm sorry, I don't know your name, I'm Hermione Granger, I'm muggle born but from what I've read in 'Hogwarts a History' I can only hypothesize that it will be some sort of test or quiz."
"Harry Potter," Harry said, which caused the other children to twitter, "And by all means, we shall see in a second which one of us is correct Hermione." He answered her with a genuine smile that met his eyes. His memories of the time at the zoo where flowing through his head. He had seen her get bullied, and perhaps if he could get to know her a bit, perhaps she could be of some help for him and his goals.
"Harry Potter? I've read all about you. You're in…" Hermione continued, only to be interrupted by the shrieks of several students as several ghosts came through the walls, and floated down the corridor together in front of the students.
The ghosts seemed to be debating somebody named 'Peeves,' and the fat monk of a ghost had just been in the process of saying "live and let live" when they recognized the first year students in front of them.
"Ah the new first years," The Ghost continued with a smile. The Ghost was about to continue when he and the other ghosts laid eyes on Harry and stopped. The ghosts all became 'deathly' still as they could feel exactly what Harry was. Yes they felt the bond that came from Harry being a Lord of Hogwarts, but that was a trifle sensation in comparison to being in the presence of one who had walked the Paths of the Dead and who had been touched by the knowledge and experiences of the dead.
Hogwarts fed Harry the information that his mind sought out, allowing him to know who was addressing him and the other students.
The Fat Friar and Sir Nicolas bowed to him with a slight bend at the waist; Sir Nicolas's head flopping half off with the bow before the ghost used his hand to right his head. This of course caused all of the children to scream at the gross spectical.
The Bloody Baron unsheathed his sword and affixed it before his face in a sword salute, and the Grey Lady curtsied deeply.
Harry simply nodded his head in acknowledgement, and waved his hand for them to proceed. To which the ghosts all straightened up and silently proceeded down the hall.
The reaction of the students towards the ghosts and Harry was stunned awe, to which he returned an understanding but not prideful smile. This whole situation worked perfectly towards his plans of building his reputation as one of power and knowledge. If he was going to compete with the 'Old Man' of the castle, then he would need to be seen as just as knowledgeable and powerful as Dumbledore; a hard feat considering Dumbledore had 100+ years on Harry and a strong political and historical powerbase. But every little bit counted.
Hermione couldn't keep quiet though, she had to ask, "What was that? Why did they bow to you? How do they know you? What do they know about you? What do you know about Hogwarts that I don't?" Her questions seemed to go on and on without a pause for answer or breath, each of them a loaded question that Harry wasn't ready or willing to answer.
Fortunately for Harry, Hermione's whirl-wind of questions was interrupted by the return of Professor McGonagall.
"Line up! You will now be sorted." Professor McGonagall stated in a no-nonsense manner. "Follow me." To which her comment was followed by her turning and strolling through the halls and on into the Great Hall of Hogwarts. The students filtered into two lines behind the professor, Harry naturally taking a more leadership position, which was interesting because he was now standing beside Draco.
As they entered the Great Hall the older students at the tables all hushed as they examined the incoming first years. Though the new students were generally short and indistinct from any other batch of first years, one head stood out from the bunch; the amazingly mature looking Harry Potter.
The girls and boys in the hall twittered a bit with excitement as word spread that Harry Potter had come to Hogwarts. Voices could be heard stating, "There he is!" or "It's the Boy-Who-Lived!" These statements were also then interspersed with utterances of, "Isn't he dreamy?" or "Cute" and even a couple of "He's Hot!" or "Yum!" throughout the student body; the latter stated mostly by the females.
Harry only smiled as his incredible hearing took in the cacophony of voices, able to separate and process all of the different voices as his occlumency and higher evolved body took in the conversations around him. His eyes, however, were firmly focused on the head table and a certain Headmaster who was sitting at the middle of the high table.
"Dumbledore!" Harry's voice crowed in his head. The animalistic side of his Nundu self threatened to join with him for a second as his smile seemed to grow sharp toothed for a second, before his Occlumency shields shot up to block out any emotions he did not wish to express. Harry's eyes were gleaming, and a part of him wanted nothing more than to leap across the room and utterly destroy Dumbledore, but a small voice in the back of his head told him that he had a larger goal and purpose than destroying Dumbledore before all of these witnesses and then having to disappear out of society again.
At the head table, Dumbledore's eyes were sparkling like a million Christmas tree fairies were putting on a fireworks display. All of his plans were running through his head as he smiled and saw that Harry Potter had come to Hogwarts, 'his Greater Good was saved!' Dumbledore interpreted Harry's smile to mean that Harry was thrilled to be in the magical world and seeing Dumbledore. Dumbledore believed that Harry was seeing him as his savoir from the Dursleys and the muggle world, not realizing that Harry was really thinking of how much fun he was going to have obliterating the man who destroyed his family and his life.
Harry smiled back at the old man. "If only you knew how much I was going to rock your world and drive you crazy before I kill you, you would have your wand in your hand and be cursing me right now, witnesses be damned." Harry's eyes sparkled in reply to Dumbledore's twinkles.
McGonagall led the students to the front of the Great Hall and before the head table where a frumpy leather hat sat on a wooden stool. As they came to stand before the student body, the hat began to sing as song about being a thinking cap.
Harry hid his internal smirk as he recognized the song from one of Scorpius's years at Hogwarts. Apparently the Sorting Hat rotated through enough songs so that no student realized they were repeated and not newly created. When it stopped, the students politely clapped for the hat which seemed to bow to the different tables in the room before again going still.
"When your name is called, please take a seat and the hat will sort you into your new house." McGonagall stated, before pulling out the magical list of names.
"Abbot, Hannah" McGonagall stated, starting off the process of seating students on the wooden stool and then lowering the Sorting Hat.
"HUFFLEPUFF!" the hat shouted.
McGonagall got into the swing of things and students started to get sorted. Everything was going just fine until they got to the part of the alphabet where people's last names started with a 'B'.
"Bastard, Draco" McGonagall stated, not realizing the magnitude of the statement as she simply read the names from the magically created list of students.
Draco, formerly Malfoy, sputtered in rage, his face going from its pale white complexion to a deep shade of crimson red.
"What is this! My name is not Bastard you bloody hag, its Malfoy!" Draco exploded at McGonagall.
The entire Great Hall was silent for a second, before the students began to gossip between themselves. The most intrigued looks and sharp statements were coming from the Slytherin table. The Slytherin Head of House, a greasy hooked nosed man clad in black, could be seen to be holding his wineglass with absolutely white knuckles.
"Young man, I do not care what you think your name is, your legal name is on my list as Bastard as you apparently don't have a family name, and you are lucky that you are not a student already or you would be sitting in my office for detention for the rest of the year! Now sit on the seat and get sorted. Do not make me repeat myself young man." McGonagall stated, staring down at Draco as if her gaze could impart the killing curse.
Draco sputtered again before marching up to the seat and shoving the hat on his head. "Wait till my father hears about this!" He muttered out loud with a glare at McGonagall.
Somebody in the back of room on the Gryffindor side yelled out, "What father Draco, you're a bastard!" which was followed by laughter from the rest of the student body.
The laughter of the students and the muttering of the teachers at the head table was interrupted by the Sorting Hat yelling out, "SLYTHERIN!"
Draco Bastard, took the hat off his head and threw it on the floor in anger as he marched over to the Slytherin table and took a seat. The other first years around him scooted away from him a bit, not sure what to do but innately understanding that Draco was not the proper person to be chummy with when one sought out the path to greatness.
The students soon settled down after McGonagall cleared her throat and began to read out the student's names again. Things were again going swimmingly until it came to Harry's name.
"Potter, Harry." McGonagall read, a hint of a smile slipping through her tight mask as Harry glided up to the wooden stool.
As the hat settled down onto his head, Harry closed his eyes and entered the realm of his mind.
The sorting hat set down on Harry Potter's head and began to look for the student's thoughts and memories. What it found was startling new to the artifact of over a thousand years of existence. It had been on the head of Master Occlumencers before, but it had never seen this exact type of defense. Fortunately it didn't have to breathe for the vacuum of space that the Hat found itself in, looking down on the world that was created in Harry's mind, would have been very bad for a mind that was used to living in an air breathing environment.
As the hat gazed down on the world that floated in space below it, it was startled to see an incredibly large banner of parchment emerge from the planet and then slowly drift in between the Hat and "Planet Potter." The hat read the words as they drifted by.
I WOULDN'T LOOK ANY CLOSER IF I WERE YOU, FAIR WARNING…
The sign scrolled by on its satellite orbit around the planet, the banner then disappearing and burning up in the atmosphere as it made re-entry, its message delivered.
The Sorting Hat scoffed, it had been created to do a job and not even Albus Dumbledore would have been able to keep the Sorting Hat out of his mind if the Sorting Hat wanted to view it. The truth was that the Sorting Hat was the single strongest Legilimency device ever created.
"Fair warning Mr. Potter," the hat stated, not needing to breath to speak its message, "But I have a job to do."
With that, the hat pushed itself through space and through the atmosphere of Harry's mental world, it's fireproofing charms working in the mental world to protect it from the fiery atmospheric protection of Harry's mental-scape.
The problem with the Sorting Hat's prideful thought process was, yes, no occlumencer could completely protect their thoughts from the hat. Yes, no mental trap of fire or force could slice or burn the hat, but nothing was stopping the hat from being eaten by the infinite number of devouring insects that populated Harry's planet; for even enchanted magical hats fear magical pests.
"AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH! GET THEM OFF ME, GET THEM OFF ME! AHHHH, THEY'RE ALL OVER ME! MAKE IT STOP!" The Sorting Hat screamed out loud for the entire hall to hear, it continued to scream for a second, but then stopped and just whimpered like a kicked dog.
The Great Hall was stunned silent as the Sorting Hat continued to sit on Harry's head and attempt to sort this most enigmatic of students.
Inside Harry's mind, the Sorting Hat reversed directions and exited the atmosphere of 'Planet Potter' as fast as its mental powers could propel it. When it had breached the upper layers and was again floating looking down, whimpering softly to itself, it was surprised to see Harry Potter appear before it reclining on a padded reclining chair; Harry's legs were kicked up on the foot rest and he was sipping on a glass of fire whiskey.
"You can't say I didn't warn you." The mental manifestation of Harry stated, clearly unfazed by floating in the vacuum of space; it was his own mind after all. "Besides, as Lord Gryffindor and Lord Slytherin," the Head of House rings appearing on his hand, "I can just tell you where I want to go and you have to put me there." Harry said with a smile, taking a second to sip his single-malt fire whiskey.
The Sorting Hat, looking slightly moth-eaten, raised its voice at Harry, "Why didn't you tell me that before!"
To which Harry replied, "Now now, where would be the fun in that?" Harry said with mirth shining from his green cat slit eyes, a sharp toothed smile peaking up over his glass of amber fluid for a second before he took another sip.
Making the approximate actions as if it was breathing deeply and taking a break for a second, the Sorting Hat finally settled down and politely asked, "Lord Gryffindor-Slytherin, where would you like to be sorted?"
To which Harry replied…
"RAVENCLAW!" The Sorting Hat shouted to the Great Hall.
There was a stunned pause for a second, and then the table colored in Blue started to shout and clap like crazy, some students giving a standing ovation as the hat was removed from Harry's head and he stood up to proceed to the Ravenclaw table.
The table of Red and Gold was stunned silent for a second but soon clapped politely; still somewhat stunned that Harry Potter had not followed in the footsteps of his parents. The High table holding the professors mirrored this action also, though one greasy black haired individual had a slight tick in his eye as he watched the obviously brash and overconfident spawn of James Potter stroll to the Ravenclaw table.
"Perhaps it's time I hate the Ravenclaws also?" Professor Snape thought to himself as the Hufflepuff table clapped strongly and the Slytherin table clapped politely; the house of snakes was intrigued by a Potter going to someplace other than Gryffindor.
Harry joined his new house with a smile and a nod to the people who greeted him before he sat down, where and pointedly looked to McGonagall to continue the sorting. Catching her eye, he noted that she was staring at him with mouth slightly open.
Harry winked at her with a smile, causing her to blink for a second, and then look around and realize where she was and what she was supposed to be doing.
The sorting once again continued, and everything was going swimmingly until McGonagall called out, "Weasley, Ronald."
Nothing happened. No first year came forward.
Again she repeated, "Weasley, Ronald Weasley?" She read, looking around through the remaining first years and noting that no red-head was present.
Turning to the Headmaster to say something, she was interrupted as an owl flew through the window and landed in front of the caretaker, Mr. Filch.
Taking the note from the owl, who quickly flew out of the window to get away from Mr. Filch and his cat. Mr. Filch read the note, his eyes growing large.
Quickly pushing himself away from the table, Filch limped over towards the headmaster and whispered in his ear. Dumbledore nodded and Mr. Filch proceeded to round the head table and practically run/shuffle his way out of the Great Hall.
As a few minutes passed by the students began to mumble and mutter to each other; Harry made sure to keep a straight face, his occlumency shields keeping any signs of his real glee from showing to his new housemates.
McGonagall was again going to address the Headmaster when the doors to the Great Hall were pushed fully open and Mr. Filch came in pushing a dazed Ronald Weasley along in front of him.
Filch pushed and pulled Ron along until he came up to McGonagall. "We found him stuffed into his luggage Professor. He doesn't remember how he got there." Filch stated. Then with a glare towards the Gryffindor table Filch stated, "The last thing he remembers is his brothers talking about blowing up a toilet."
With that statement, McGonagall turned her attention towards the red-headed twins at her house's table. "Fred and George Weasley! Report to my office after the welcoming feast!" She scathingly said.
"But professor, we didn't…" The twins stated in unison, only to be interrupted by McGonagall.
"Not another word! My office, after supper." She stated with a glare. Her features softened as much as they ever could in public as she turned to Ron and said, "Take a seat Mr. Weasley."
The hat had barely touched Ron's head before it yelled out, "GRYFFINDOR!"
The Gryffindor table politely clapped for the next generation of Weasley to join the Gryffs, all of them silently happy that the twins hadn't lost them points before classes had even started.
With that new debachal out of the way, the sorting continued. Following the completion of the sorting was a speech by Dumbledore, which Harry noted only served to peak his interest in visiting the forbidden forest and 3rd-floor sometime soon.
With a few odd statements by the quack-pot Headmaster, the feast began.
Harry actually found himself enjoying the feast. Sure the detailed questions about the death of You-Know-Who and Harry's supposed adventures were a bit tiring, but his polite rebuff that meal time was for eating and his cultured smile smoothed any ruffled feathers of the 'claws' around him. The best part of the feast was definitely the quantity of food.
Ever since Harry had returned to the wizarding world of Great Britain he had found himself to be constantly ravenous. Apparently Harry was experiencing something of a magically induced premature puberty and growth spurt. The days before the train ride had seen his magic becoming easier to handle, his refinement of spells easier to complete, and an increase in his height and muscle mass; as well as a few new hairs in areas he hadn't experienced before. The memories of Scorpius and the Witch Doctor supplied to him the knowledge of what was happening to his body but it was only the supply of food sitting on the tables in front of him that would keep the student body of Hogwarts from suffering a 'rapid decrease in numbers.'
Thus it was that Harry had sequestered an entire platter of steaks for himself; steaks which he thought were rather more cooked than he liked seeing as his preference was alive and mooing.
His housemates asked him why he was eating so much meat, to which he responded that when he was adventuring he needed to eat as many calories as possible because he didn't know when he would get his next meal. A lie, but a plausible truth based on the life that had been portrayed in the books about his so called life.
In between 14 ounce ribeye steak number 4 and number 5 Harry felt a prickling on the back of his neck, as if somebody was staring at him with malice; that type of animal instinct that notifies them of danger.
Slowly turning his head to follow the feeling, Harry found himself staring up at the head table. Just as he caught the eye the dark robed professor at the head table two things happened in quick succession.
First, Harry felt a probe as the professor attempted to slip into his mind with Legilimency.
Second, Severus Snape was knocked out of his chair unconscious, head flying back as it was propelled by the rocket flow of blood shooting out of his nose; eyes rolling back into his greasy head.
"Hmm," thought Harry to himself with a wicked smile, "I always wondered what would happen when the human mind suffered from the mental equivalent of explosive decompression."
Nobody noticed Harry's smile as the head table and the students were all firmly focused on Professor Snape's painting the table and the professors around him with blood. Harry had to give Headmaster Dumbledore and the school's healer credit, they were out of their chairs and flinging healing, cleaning and diagnostic spells at Professor Snape faster than Harry would have thought possible for the two elderly magic users; something for Harry to keep in mind for when he had to deal with the two of them.
In less than two minutes the school healer had the unconscious professor levitated behind her and headed off to the hospital wing, most likely to get blood replenishing potions poured down the unconscious man's throat.
The students were all loudly discussing what could have happened and several Ravenclaws had taken out notebooks to write down the instance and started verbally casting out different diseases and poisons that could have lead to such an explosive flow of blood to come from the professor's very large nose.
'Bang!'
Dumbledore got everybody's attention by shooting off a firecracker spell.
"Attention, I'm sure Professor Snape will be perfectly fine due to the efforts of Madame Pomfery. Now, if we could sing the school song we can head off to our houses." Dumbledore directed.
Soon the students were singing the words of the school song, totally dissonant and causing Harry and his incredible hearing to cringe and his skin to crawl.
Harry ignored those singing around him and instead focused on snatching steaks to put into his pockets. After he had finished stuffing the platter of meat into his pocket he again focused on the head table; the twins at the Gryffindor table were the only ones left singing at this point, having chosen a funeral dirge's pace to sing the school song. Harry thought it was a fitting choice of tune given what he planned on doing to the school.
Looking up at the head table, Harry's ability to see magic was giving him some quirky effects. The entirety of Hogwarts would have been blinding if he hadn't consciously turned down his ability to see magic, however he could faintly see that there was a strange dark aura around the professor with the purple turban. If that wasn't disturbing enough Harry's increased sense of smell could sent the man's garlic scent from clear across the Great Hall; Harry figured that attending class with the man would be hell on his senses.
The dirge finished and Dumbledore once again made a crazy statement, this time about music. The students were told to follow their perfects to their rooms. That is, except Harry Potter.
"Harry Potter, would you please accompany me to my office." Headmaster Dumbledore stated, heading for the side door and expecting Harry to catch up to him.
Harry just smiled, his eyes glowing for a second, before he mentioned under his breath, "Time to begin the fun."
With that, Harry made his way against the flow of students leaving the Great Hall, gracefully weaving through the crowd to follow the Headmaster through the side door to the Great Hall.
Meanwhile, miles away in London the floos in the lobby of the Ministry of Magic came alive with green flames. At the same time that the Ministry's floo's were coming alive, one fireplace at 10 Downing Street went from orange flames to green.
Out of the green flames flew several flocks of Fwoopers. The fun had begun.
AN1: Well, we are at Hogwarts and Harry has his new house, Draco's a bastard, and Ron is oblivious; basically nothing different than the original stories except Harry is in Ravenclaw. Thanks for reading, I'll try and get another post up sometime this week.
AN2. Again, I appreciate those who brought my mistake to my attention, hopefully I don't miss another major detail in this chapter. Oh well, thank you to the majority of readers who take the time to read my work and help me become a better writer; I'm glad I can share my imagination with you. I'm always up for constructive criticism and specifics that can make me better. Call me on the details that I miss, great, I appreciate it. However, writing mocking messages with blanket statements, aka flamers, will get you a one way ticket to 'Bob and Al's Discount House of Living Organ Donations.' Especially nasty flamers will have an appointment scheduled with the Gastroenterologist for an early screening colonoscopy, no lubrication, no anesthesia; unless you like that type of thing. In that case, I know a Urologist with a very large scope.
Yes I know I'm evil, no you can't have a cookie. Till next time, cheers!