Melusine10, auroraglider and my guest reviewer (please leave your name next time, sweetie, so I can refer to you by name!) thank you so much for your reviews! I have to let you know that this is the only update I'm posting this week, very sorry :( but I'm only a quarter of the way through writing chapter 15, and I'm getting stuck! Need to make it an exciting read for you all, and I'm scared it isn't going to live up to that, so I must take my time with it. Looking forward to your thoughts as ever :)
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Tyra's POV
"Well, I don't know where Eric is, but I come with milk in some hope this'll pacify you," I tell a crying Milla as I lift her from her crib and then go back to bed to feed her there where it's comfy. Eric's been notably missing over the last few evenings, especially around the times Milla needs feeding, twelve and three am respectively. I'm currently covering a 3am shift, only actually going to bed an hour ago. I have to say I'm a little annoyed, since I'm the one lumbered with her in the daytime while he rests. This should be shared. I shouldn't have to do this all by myself, night and day. Barely managing to stifle a yawn as I feed Milla, I again wonder to myself how this didn't send Anna insane, when Myra was a small baby waking twice nightly for feeds. Well, I say twice nightly. Milla enjoys waking up and shouting for no particular reason too. As I understand this is not an uncommon thing with babies though.
I decide to have a good old whinge to the lady herself about my woes when I meet her for lunch the next day, leaving Milla with Ginger since I want to be able to enjoy my meet with Anna without the squealing brat. I always notice that as soon as she sees Ginger, Milla smiles so brightly you'd think she was her mother, and Ginger is always more than thrilled to take care of her. Some women are just born with that loving, maternal nature, and for whatever else you could fault Ginger for, no one could point a finger of doubt at her skills with children. She'll make a good mom one day, if she ever meets the right guy. Leaving her with Ginger and a pile of beanie baby toys she says will help Milla's motor skills, leaning to grasp and recognise colour (which seems too deep for the hapless barmaid to understand, but she obviously does) I happily head off at 12pm, quickly popping to the book store to collect the biographies I ordered a while ago before meeting Anna at Peabody's Bar & Grill just on the outskirts of Shreveport.
"Hey doll, oh I expected you to have Milla with you. It's why I brought pumpkin with me," she tells me as she stands from the table to greet me with a hug, referencing her little pet name for Myra. Dmitri dressed her as a pumpkin last year for Halloween, and it's kind of stuck.
"I'm just about managing on three hours of sleep, so I wanted some peace after last night, since Eric didn't bother helping me at all," I reply, leaning around to pull a big, comical face at Myra in her high chair, and then kissing her chubby little cheeks. See I know Myra, and I don't have her to look after all the time, and she is my goddaughter after all so I feel warm towards her. Milla I still don't. There's a big block stuck right in the way of me feeling anything towards Nina's child. Her funeral was last week. Eric and I sent flowers from us, and then I chose a separate little pink wreath to be there on behalf of the baby she never knew. When I think about that, I feel stung with guilt, that even Ginger loves the little orphan more than I do.
"I thought you said he was being really good with her?" Anna replies, looking a touch confused.
"He was, for the first fortnight. We're in week three now since we had her landed in our laps, and I think the novelty has worn off, so he's doing the sexist pig thing of letting the wife tend to the baby," I fume lightly, frowning.
"Oh dear, that doesn't sound good. I'm surprised Eric ever did lift a finger to help with her at all, if I'm honest. I mean, apart from that one time last summer when he lay with Myra on his chest to cool her down, he just hasn't ever been around children other than his own, has he? I wonder if he's just finding it hard to adjust. Sorry, it's just that I don't really see Eric in the 'sexist pig' light you speak of, he has enough problems with you doing things he can pay others to do, for example. Sorry if I'm sitting here second guessing your own husband, who you obviously know better than I do," she replies, which is something I cannot deny. He isn't a sexist pig and I was wrong to call him that. I'm just tired and fed up of being on duty with her all night for the last few.
"No, you're right he isn't. He must just be having trouble adjusting like you say," I reply as I pick up a menu just as a cheery looking waiter comes out to ask for my drink order. I choose a small red wine, wishing I wasn't driving so I could make it a bottle. I need a good drink.
"So how are you adjusting to it all?" Anna asks next.
"I'm not really to be honest. I'm just glad Ginger is so eager to help out, she'll take Milla for me without question at the drop of a hat, and Milla just loves her. She just started smiling, which from what I've read is quite early at five weeks old, six at the end of this week, but she never smiles at me like she does for Ginger," I tell her, sighing with frustration.
"The more she gets used to you, the better she'll settle. I suppose if she's spending more waking moments with Ginger then yeah, she might be getting to know her a little better than you. You're smart though, T, you know what to do if you do want the baby to bond with you. Just switch your working hours to when Milla is asleep, and spend more time with her in the day. This also gives your husband a lot less room to vanish when she needs seeing to in the night time, because he won't be able to argue the fair point that you look after her for most of the day." Anna replies, and her words are something I really can't fault either. She's right, in order for Milla to accept me more than she does Ginger, she needs to see more of me out of the two of us. Putting that into practice though, it's going to be hard for me.
I'm just not cut out for all this mommy stuff, hell I'm not even her mother! It's like I have a case of PPD without actually giving birth to the child myself. It doesn't come naturally to me at all. Sometimes I wish I was like Ginger. I think that if I actually liked Milla (I don't hate her or wish anything bad, fuck no!) I'd be able to bond with her more, and that it wouldn't be so difficult for me to see her as anything more than a nuisance. What annoys me most here is the fact that other people can take to her so effortlessly, and I feel like a failure for not being able to step up to the plate, for having a big ole' mental block right there where warming to Milla is concerned. As soon as I'm home for the afternoon, finding the little one and her babysitter in the Fangtasia office waiting for me, I'm shown again just how effortless it is for some people.
"Where's the baby? Where is she? There she is! There's Milla!" Ginger says enthusiastically, Milla smiling and gurgling whenever she pops her face out from behind the blanket she hides behind. See I just can't get myself to even think about bonding with her like that. It's just so against my nature. Ginger is having honest fun with her, I can see it in her eyes, she adores Milla and vice versa. "Look, its Tyra, can you give big smiles for Tyra?" she then adds in that sickeningly sweet, high pitched voice people adapt to speak to babies in as she lifts Milla from her bassinet and hands her to me.
"Thank you very much as usual, Ginger. Was she okay while I was gone?" I ask, giving Milla a quick bounce and heading to put her back in her bassinet before suddenly Anna's words repeat through my head, about Milla seeing more of me and thus becoming used to me, and in turn I her. With that I continue around my desk, position her comfortably laying out against my arm, and then turn to smile at Ginger.
"She was great all day, but you need to keep your eye on her little tushie, she's getting quite a red diaper rash. I put some of the lotion on, but just to be warned if it gets sore she might be awake squealing because of it. Anyway I'm going to get changed into my work stuff, see y'all later." She replies before leaving the office, and me to attempt my first ever bonding session with the little one. Well, I say bonding with her, she isn't getting my sole attention since after five minutes I begin my work, looking down at her every so often as I bounce her on my arm, my free hand crunching numbers into a calculator. About twenty minutes in and she falls asleep, and I work out I have three hours until her next feed to press on and get some work out of the way, the time after which I will solely devout to Milla. I mean it. I'm going to try at this, no matter how much it daunts me.
"Well, there's a surprising sight. What's her favourite today? She really focused on the star the last few times I put her under this," Eric says to me, three and a half hours later as I sit on the rug in the apartment, Milla next to me beneath her baby gym. Oh how she adores this.
"What do you mean a surprising sight? I've been with her most for the last two days, Mr 'vanish in the wee hours' Northman," I reply, giving him a kiss as he sits down and joins us.
"Only to remind you that this is a dual job and just because I'm a vampire does not mean I should be on night duty. I wouldn't mind so much, but Ginger has her for most of the day, every day. Also, it's a surprising sight because you don't spend time with her like this," he says to me. It annoys me somewhat, but only because I know he's right when I begin to think on it a little, the realisation hitting me squarely when it dawns on me suddenly. He just said he's been avoiding the night duties with Milla, and all afternoon I've been thinking that I truly don't spend enough time with her. He's noticed I don't too, and that's something I can't ignore, or throw blame at him like I have been.
"Are you going to sit there chewing the inside of your cheek while you quietly fizz with fury, or actually reply?" Eric then asks me, while I begin to nod slowly.
"I'm sorry. I'm pissed off at myself because I feel like I have to bond with her, I do have to bond with her, and I don't want to. That's what it comes down to. Like Agnes said when she first arrived, I'm having a very strong reaction to this. I feel repelled by her, not warmed or even that caring. I'm going to try though, I really am," I say with honesty.
"To a degree we both have to have some kind of bond with her, we can't just regard her like she's a dog we're looking after whilst its owner is on vacation. It is hard though, hard for both of us, so remember that for the future. I expect you to rely on Ginger a lot less, because for the majority of Milla's three weeks here, it's been that barmaid and me taking the roles of her main carers. I'm just glad that I haven't had to tell you this in ultimatum and that I came down to see you interacting with her completely off your own back. It still bore mentioning though, we agreed to be straight with one another if something niggled us," he replies, leaning over and kissing me.
"We did, yes. I appreciate you've told me too. As for your original question, her favourite is the star again. Look, she doesn't take her eyes off it." I say while pointing at the baby, her eyes fixated on the large, pink glitter gel filled star that she reaches up to bat with her hand every so often. If she likes sparkly things, she'll shit when she meets Lafayette. He's like a walking, sparkly rainbow in attire at times. Speaking of my dear and quirky friend, I receive a text from him at around 8pm, just after I've finished having some very specific alone time with Eric. We have to catch all the moments we can now.
"Jesus made this crazy ass rum cake that's about three shots per slice, Sookie and two bottles of wine have come around, and we all agree there's one person missing in helping us polish it all off. Leave the baby with the dead dude and get yo' sexy ass over here, hooker!" That's the message I read, and I have to say I am tempted. I've got a good bulk of work done already, and spent time with the baby. I wonder if I can swing it, hmmm.
"What's that interested little smile about?" Eric asks as I reach over him and return my cell to the nightstand, leaning back down on his chest once more.
"My Bon Temps buddies want me to come out and play," I reply, giving him a little half smile.
"I'll cut you a deal. You take Milla all day tomorrow without Ginger's help, and I'll cover watching her this evening. You go and spend time with your friends. Not to be insulting, but its good I think, that you have a few more people close to you. Last year that only really extended to Anna and Dmitri, and no matter what I might think of them, I'm glad you're becoming more social and not chaining yourself to your work. In light of that, get your gorgeous backside out the door." He replies, kissing me soon after. In light of everything that happened to me last year, all I went through, you'll remember that I did pledge to have more fun, take life a little less seriously, and make a little room for more friends to come into my life, friends who I arrive with after a half hour taxi ride from the club. It's just as I'm climbing the steps to Lafayette's house that he, Jesus and Sookie all come down them to greet me.
"Oh no, you don't get to fill your no doubt expensive boots with cake and wine just yet, miss thing. We want a look at the digs there over yonder, see what's been keeping me awake at night recently," Lafayette says, making a circle with his finger in indication that I should turn around and walk back down the path once more. Sookie and Jesus both nod rapidly in affirmation of his request, and seeing how excited they are to view the progress on my new home, I just can't refuse.
"Come on then, I wouldn't mind having another look around if I can. It's been a week or so since I last visited," I tell them, and so over to the other side of the clearing we all head.
"So how's Milla doing, sweetie? I can't wait to meet her, you'll have to come up for coffee or lunch or something so I can have a little cuddle with her!" Sookie asks excitedly as we walk, falling into step by my side.
"She's doing well, I'm not though! I'm finding it hard to bond with her, but I'm trying. It is difficult, looking after a baby. At least Eric's had practice before, albeit over a thousand years ago," I say, moving my elbow out for her a little when she links arms with me.
"It must be so, so difficult for you, and wait! Hold up, Eric had practice?" she replies and then suddenly exclaims.
"He was a father when he was human. It doesn't mean he has to like fulfilling that duty in this day and age though, because he doesn't. Even so I have to admit, he's been coping better than me," I explain for her, watching her nodding in understanding. I can trust Sookie with little details about Eric's life just as I would any other good friend (which she's become) because I know she's not the kind of girl to gossip.
"That is surprising, but I guess in a way it would come more naturally to him, since he's had children of his own. Wow, you learn something new every day," she replies as we round the corner and have a familiar face in the site foreman Archie come to greet us.
"Bringing your buddies for a little look, Mrs N?" he asks me, smiling at my three friends before he introduces himself to them.
"Yes, if that's okay with you? I don't want to get in anyone's way," I reply courteously, since Archie calls the shots when Jake isn't here.
"Absolutely, I'll just get some hard hats for each of you and then I can take you in. The kitchen is virtually finished, all that needs now is a coat of paint and the appliances all slotting into their respective places," he tells us. I can feel the excitement building up even before we've entered, and as soon as we do and I see my beautiful, and huge new kitchen, I can't help but squeak with excitement and do a bit of a dance on the spot, making my friends and Archie laugh.
"Peach tree, you're gonna have to learn how to cook a little better, get the full use out of this beautiful kitchen, damn! Show home or what?" Lafayette says, Jesus letting out an impressed whistle as he looks around.
"Nah, I'm just going to get Sookie to come round and cook for me I think," I joke, giving the girl herself a playful nudge with my elbow.
"I will too, but only to teach you a few of my gran's recipes," she replies with a smile.
"I'd really love that." I tell her before we move on from the kitchen. I actually met Adele Stackhouse, just once though. Once was enough for me to see what a wonderful, strong and kind hearted lady she was. She asked me to look over some of her finances, and I spent an afternoon with her at what is now just Sookie's house going through her books and sorting out everything from her bank to her savings accounts while she provided the tea and the most beautiful chocolate cake I've ever eaten, all while her grandson made excuses to come in and out of the house endlessly. 'I think my Jason has quite the crush on you!' I remember the dear lady telling me with a giggle and a knowing wink. She was a sweetheart, and I'm sad Sookie and Jason didn't have longer with her than they did. She didn't deserve her fate at all.
"Oh my...wow!" I exclaim when Archie leads us through the house further and into what will be mine and Eric's bedroom. It looks a lot bigger than the plans first showed it to be, and already as I look around I'm planning on where I'll put things, thinking back to when I sat browsing through some furniture online recently and remembering all the bedroom pieces I liked, imagining them in various positions around the room before we walk on through to the next.
"This'll be perfect for Milla, right next to you and Eric so you don't have far to go to tend to her in the night," Sookie comments as she looks around the room. "With that big tree gone that was previously there too, the light will come in through the window beautifully." She then continues, tapping her neatly manicured, light pink nails off the shadow glass pane.
"Yeah, yeah I guess you're right, it would." I reply with lacklustre tones. I had hoped the baby wouldn't be coming with us when we move in, but it looks like she will be unless Agnes finds whoever tried to take her in the next five weeks before we move back in. As it turns out, of course and just our luck, she doesn't find them, so after those five weeks pass in a blur of furniture, wallpaper and paint buying among other things, the baby comes with.
"Are you sure that's level now, we don't need to move it slightly up?" I ask as Dmitri and I stand poised with a piece of wallpaper, ready to stick it down now I think it's almost level.
"You're eyes are failing you in your old age, Northman. It's totally level so let's just lay it on and move along to the next. We might have this whole room done by 4pm if we really crack on with it," he replies with a little head shake.
"I'm not even out of my twenties yet, you cheeky fuck!" I reply, slapping him around the head with a free hand once I've smoothed down the paper, Dmitri grabbing a brush and tickling my nose with the bristles before he begins to smooth the wallpaper down some more. I'm glad of his help, I truly am. The last time I attempted to wallpaper anything was when my mom and I decided to redo my bedroom when I was fifteen. Dad had to take down what we'd done and do it all over again on account of the number of air bubbles we got trapped between the wall and the paper. Just as I'm standing back admiring the half done bedroom (we're doing mine and Eric's at the moment, after successfully getting the first coat of white paint down in the three other bedrooms this morning) I suddenly hear noise coming our way.
"There's a guy at the door with your lounge in the back of the van, she's hungry and I'm too covered in paint to sign for the delivery and try and put a damn bottle in her noise hole, so we came to find mommy," Lafayette tells me, all of a fluster as he passes me a squealing Milla and a bottle of milk.
"I am not her mother! Thank you for seeing to that delivery though, if there's anything left to carry after she'd fed then I'll come and help," I reply, balancing Milla on my arm and then quietening her instantly with her feed.
"You the closest thing she has to a mamma, hooker." He throws back over his shoulder, while running back down the hallway out to the front door again. Dmitri tells me he can handle doing the wallpaper hanging while I'm busy, and with that I head off the way Lafayette went so I can sit down in the kitchen to feed the hungry bundle in my arms, since the kitchen is the only place in the entire house that not only doesn't stink of paint too badly, but is completely finished as well. I'm mindful over what paint fumes and the smell of thinners could do to her little lungs. Sitting myself down on one of the high stools at the kitchen counter I look down at Milla, and still, after seven weeks of this being my daily routine, I feel no closer to her.
She turned three months old two days ago, and I didn't even notice. Eric did, reading up online about what progress she should be making, and sitting there noting down mentally everything that Milla does, such as lifting her head and holding it up a little, trying to turn over and also all the baby chatter she's coming out with. He'd kill me for telling anyone, but he even copies it back to her, and it makes her laugh. Hell, even Fabien seems warmer to her now, sitting with Eric laughing at her when she was coming out with her loud baby chatter, saying, 'it's something exciting, it must be!' when they looked at each other and then back at the excited, nonsense chatting baby, trying to work out the reason of her joy. He thinks she's funny, he said so in as many words. What kind of person am I, really, if a one thousand year plus old vampire can warm to her a little, and I can't?
"Tyra Northman, as I live and breathe, never did I expect to see this. Look at you, you look so natural with her, not clumsy like you've been telling me," I hear the warm tones of Sookie speak behind me, after hearing her heeled boots tapping off the floor on her way in. I was expecting her around now, greeting her with a kiss on the cheek as she comes to stand behind me, her face all lit up at Milla. "Oh she's so beautiful, those long eyelashes, and these chubby cheeks!" she then coos. Nope, I still don't get any of that either, thinking she's the most adorable thing in the world.
"I certainly don't feel it, I feel all awkward still. You should see Eric with her, he's the natural," I reply, shortly before making a gratefully relieved face when I see Sookie pick up one of the bags she carried in and reveal a massive Tupperware tub.
"I decided to make us all some dinner since we're gonna be here painting and decorating into the evening, it's just a roast chicken and fava bean salad, nothing fancy. I thought with the baby and all the housework you'd be pushed for time to even feed yourself, so we're all good to go. I'm just going to run to the bathroom and change, unless there's someone in there painting?" she asks me. I tell her the bathroom is free and clear, that's another room we haven't started yet so off she goes to change into her painting clothes, giving Milla a kiss on the head on her way out. There's another thing right there, I've never even kissed this child, not once. When is it going to happen, what will it take for me to even feel remotely warm towards her? I can't help but think I've failed her in some way because it just hasn't happened yet, if it ever will.