A/N: Thank you to anyone who reviewed or followed. I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this!

Sam was equal parts dreading and looking forward to this. She needed the distraction but she was pretty sure her anxiety was going to be written all over her. Not to mention Daniel would probably be on her like a shark on blood. But she really was looking forward to the silent camaraderie and figured it couldn't make her morale any worse.

Sure enough Daniel came up to her and gave her a hug as soon as she and Teal'c cleared the doorway. He lingered for a moment and she let herself enjoy it. She felt a little ashamed actually. Two days ago she was afraid all her friends would abandon her if they ever found out. But Daniel was so clearly concerned about her that she doubted she would ever get anything but support from him.

Not that she was likely to find out. This was a secret she'd like to take to her grave.

After the hug, though, everything was pretty normal. She actually found herself having fun.

"It is a fine film, O'Neill."

"It's a bunch of dinosaurs running around gnawing on people."

"It is educational," Teal'c insisted.

"Jurassic Park?" Daniel questioned. That was kind of a stretch.

"Indeed. I will have learned more about these creatures from this film than I will have known before the viewing."

"That's only because you didn't grow up on a planet that had a history of them," Jack argued.

"Perhaps, but I wish to watch it regardless."

Jack gave up and looked at Sam. She was smiling, following their conversation. There. She was fine. He couldn't let Daniel's paranoia get to him.

Sam caught his eyes on her. "We should let poor Teal'c watch it, sir. I actually like it."

Like he was going to deny her after Daniel's speech to him earlier. "Alright, set it up, T."

The movie went by slowly as they watched and ate. Sam felt her mind start to wander since she had already seen the movie a few times. She probably should have voted for something she'd never seen before but it was too late now. She glanced over to the colonel and found he was watching the movie but not really into it.

She wondered what his reaction would be if he found out. Would he still want her? She thought he loved her but would he still after he learned what a stupid mistake she'd made? Would he love her enough to be with her regardless? She wondered how she would feel if their situations were reversed and didn't know. She felt her heart sink a little. She had already thought their ship had sailed. Now the universe seemed to be confirming that with this horrific sign.

Deflated, she sank down deeper in the chair and waited until the movie was over so she could make a quick escape.

SG1

The next few weeks passed by agonizingly slowly for Sam. She was still waiting for her appointment to have another blood test done, even though she realized her test was probably going to be positive. Still, there was a chance it was negative and a small part of her clung to that fact.

She was at a kind of war with herself. One hour she would be sure she was positive and the next she convinced herself that she wasn't and it was simply some off world cold that messed up the tests. She was driving herself crazy going back and forth.

She also made the mistake of Google again. Her research told her that transmission from a single encounter was much less common than she'd thought. She read tons of people's stories and saw how many people had been with people with HIV for months before either of them knew and the negative partner wasn't infected. But some people became positive after a single encounter and Sam feared she would be one of these people.

She thought of the worst case scenario. If she were positive what would she do? Should she leave SG1? How could she without telling anyone what was going on? If she asked to work full time in her lab people would wonder.

Finally the day of her blood draw came and went. The doctor had told her the results would take a couple of days to get back and because it was Wednesday they probably wouldn't be in until next week. It seemed like this torture was being dragged on and she was just ready for it to be over.

She hadn't spoken to David again and she felt bad about how she had reacted. Not only because she was afraid, in some way, of being abandoned with this virus but also because she knew he had needed support and was scared, as was she, and she had let him down. She resolved to call him after she got her own results back.

SG1

"Your blood results have come in," the dispassionate voice on the phone told her.

Naturally they would call when she was at work. She knew she should probably not answer unless she was home but she couldn't drag this out any longer.

"What were they?" she asked, bracing herself.

"We need you to come into the office. We can't give results over the phone."

Was this woman kidding? She was on the verge of losing it. It had been almost two months since the encounter with David and about five weeks since she had had her first inconclusive test. She needed to know already.

She then did something she never could have pictured: she begged the woman to tell her. She absolutely pleaded. Eventually, she caved.

"I'm so sorry, your results were positive." Shock. Suddenly there was no hope. "They ran it twice to get confirmation. It's a definite positive."

"I, uh…" Sam was at a loss. No matter how much she had tried to prepare herself for this, it had been impossible.

"You'll need to come in for some more tests. They need to find out how advanced it is and what the first step in your treatment will be."

Sam nodded absently before shaking herself out of her fog. She made an appointment before she hung up, forgetting to write it down. She realized she couldn't remember when she had scheduled it for and actually had to call back.

Wow. HIV positive. She was HIV positive. She had known of the disease for most of her life but it always seemed a remote possibility. Even after David's positive test result she still had believed, deep down, that hers was going to be negative. She had tried to prepare herself for the news of a positive result, but her brain just didn't ever really process the possibility.

Now it wasn't just a possibility. It was her reality. She was one of those people who slept with strange men and contracted STDs. She was one of the people with HIV, whom most people thought of as whores, gays, or drug users. She herself had not been aware how biased she had been until this moment, when she felt like a stupid slut for contracting it. It could happen to anyone, but in her mind she must be a horrible person for getting it.

She looked up from the bench in front of her to the various projects around her lab. Would she get to continue her work? The Air Force would probably toss her out as soon as they found out. And they would. She and a portion of the others at the SGC were up for their routine testing in a couple months. There would be no hiding it.

It suddenly felt like her entire life was crashing down around her. She had worked her whole life to get to where she was now and she was about to lose everything because she made one stupid mistake. She couldn't help but start to cry and got up to close the door and turn the light off in her lab. Maybe no one would see her and she could go home early.

She leaned her head down on her folded arms and tried to sob as quietly as possible.

"Carter?" She hadn't even heard the door open.

She heard him shuffle closer to her before he hesitantly put a hand on her back. He patted her awkwardly for a moment.

"What's up?"

She just shook her head. She might have been embarrassed if she didn't feel so depressed. As it was, she didn't have enough energy to care about his catching her. It wasn't going to matter anyway, was it? She was going to have to leave the SGC and would probably never see any of them. What did it matter what he thought of her crying now? The thought made her cry a bit harder and he called her name again.

"Carter, hey, what's wrong? You're starting to freak me out here." She really was. He had been concerned before but hadn't thought anything was truly wrong. Daniel seemed to have been right, though. He'd seen her shed a few tears before, but nothing like this.

She used every ounce of training she had every received to bury her emotions enough that she could stop sobbing. She sat up on her stool and eventually turned to face him but didn't look up. "I'm okay, sir."

"Yeah, I can see that. What is it?"

"It's nothing, sir. I just need to go home," she whispered. If she raised her voice she was sure it would crack.

"Okay, I'll take you. Wanna go now?" He was dying to know what had her this out of control but didn't want to upset her any more than she clearly already was.

She nodded and let him lead her to the surface. They didn't exchange any words on the way off the base or the whole way to her house. Not until he pulled into her driveway.

"Sam, you should take the rest of the week. I'll clear it."

She just nodded and moved to get out of the car.

"Do you want me to stay? I'm not sure you should be alone." Jack was seriously concerned about her and wasn't sure it was actually safe to leave her.

"I'll be fine," she croaked. "Really." She'd have to be, she guessed.

Jack reluctantly agreed and watched her enter her house. He pulled out of her driveway and got to the next block before he turned around and went back. He parked up the street from her house and just waited. She might not want him there but he couldn't feel right just leaving her. He just sat in his car for the next few hours, hoping she would call him but she never did.

SG1

"You didn't even call her?" Daniel asked, incredulous. Jack was an idiot sometimes.

"She wanted to be alone. What was I supposed to do, Daniel?"

"Oh, I don't know, show some concern maybe?!"

"Hey!" Jack finally snapped. "I am concerned. But I kind of blow at this, Daniel, so if you want to lend me some sensitivity I'd appreciate it!"

Daniel realized that Jack was probably as worried as he was but wasn't sure what to do about it. "I'm sorry. I'm just worried."

"Yeah, well, you were right to be."

"What do we do?"

"Why are you asking me?"

Good point. Daniel considered for a moment. "Maybe she'll come to us. If we keep pushing she is just going to get angry. Let's just show her some support for now. Unless it gets worse."

They nodded in agreement. They had a mission this week and would be able to keep an eye on her. Thankfully it was to a peaceful planet whose people they had already befriended. He wasn't sure if he could completely trust her in the field at the moment. She hadn't done anything to really make him doubt her, but she had certainly not been acting like herself lately and due to Carter's typical calm and emotionally stable nature, this was enough to give him pause.

SG1

Jack managed to catch up to her on Monday before they geared up for their mission. He didn't want her to think he was cornering her for information so he tried to look as nonchalant as possible. It had been totally normal to see Carter have a breakdown in her lab last week. What could he have to worry about?

"Hey, Carter."

"Hi, sir," she greeted. It was a couple of days late, but the embarrassment had finally set in. For someone who was trying to keep a secret, she was doing a terrible job. Luckily she had had a few days to think of a plausible explanation. Maybe he wouldn't bring it up.

"So… how are ya?" Okay, well, that lasted twenty seconds.

"I'm fine, sir." She debated leaving it at that but knew that even if he let it go he would still be scrutinizing her. Daniel, too, probably. She hadn't seen him for days and he must have noticed her absence last week. The colonel must have told him what had happened otherwise he would have called her out of curiosity. He must've been warned not to.

"I know I've… not been myself lately," Sam tried. The colonel tried and failed to look dispassionately interested. "It's my brother."

"He okay?"

"He will be. He was in a pretty serious accident a few weeks ago but it looks like he's going to be fine."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Carter. You going to be okay?" Jack breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe it made him a bad person but he would 200% rather something bad happened to her brother than to her.

"I'll be fine, sir. Really." She gave him a smile that was almost to her usual grin.

"Alright. I'll see you in the gateroom. I'd better go hurry Daniel up."

She watched him leave and breathed a sigh of relief of her own. It seemed he'd believed her and she had no doubt that he would fill Daniel and Teal'c in on what she had told him. It wasn't a permanent fix but the lie should buy her some time before she could figure out what she would do next.

A part of her felt guilty for lying to him. Their entire team and their relationships were based on trust. But at this point she was keeping so many secrets it probably didn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

A couple of hours later they were on the planet Marsay checking up on the population. They had known the inhabitants for several years now and simply liked to check in with the planets of past missions on occasion. It was easier to keep up on the state of the galaxy by keeping tabs.

Daniel did most of the greeting and talking while she, Teal'c, and Colonel O'Neill patrolled around. The peaceful nature of the planet meant that it wasn't long before her thoughts again turned to her personal life.

She wasn't sure where she should go from here. Medically, the situation was simple. She had another doctor's appointment scheduled soon where she could find out whether she would need to begin treatment. Professionally and personally, the situation was much more complicated.

She knew deep down that she couldn't stay on SG1 for much longer. The Air Force would eventually find out her status and she needed to resign before that happened. The last thing she needed was everyone on the base finding out, and she had no doubt that if it came to that, they would. She did have a few months to figure out how to leave without rousing too much suspicion, however.

What she wasn't sure was how she was going to get off the team. Her teammates would be blindsided, most likely. This team had been her life for the past seven years and she wasn't sure how she was going to handle life without it. She would miss the people in it, too. She was sure, at first, that they would try to keep in touch but it would naturally fizzle out. They would keep going through the gate and eventually they would have too little in common to talk about and she would be left behind. It hurt her to think about it, but she knew it was true.

She figured she would enjoy the little time she had left on it. On some level she hoped something would happen to her on a mission. While she wouldn't want her team to be in danger, she almost thought it better that something tragic should happen to her. She didn't know what she would do after she quit gate travel, and she wasn't looking forward to finding out. It might be better to just… Everyone would be upset if she were fatally injured on a mission but it would be a good way to be remembered. God, she was spending too much time on her own. She was getting way too morbid. She knew from her research that she would probably have a normal lifespan, even with her condition. She wasn't ready to throw in the towel but the challenge just seemed so impossible.

She supposed she could work in her lab full time but it just wouldn't be the same. SG1 would go on saving the world and she would be playing with her experiments in the lab day after the day. It wasn't going to be the same and she didn't know if she was going to be able to do it.

Tough she thought to herself. It was your idiotic choices that got you into this mess. Live with it.

But she wasn't sure she could. Especially if her team, her family, ever found out what had happened. How could they look at her the same? She was supposed to be the smart one, the one who always had the answers and did everything right. Now she had ruined her life in one single night.

She was losing everything and everyone. She couldn't even deal with the changes in her life because every ounce of her energy was being used to fend off the glances the rest of her team was sending her way when they didn't think she was looking.

It was funny how she only got into this mess because she was feeling unfulfilled with her life. Now that she had to give it up she realized that it was all she had wanted. She would give anything to be able to change that night.

SG1

The next few weeks passed pretty smoothly as far as the male portion of SG1 was concerned. Sam really did seem to be doing better and there had been no need to save the world.

Sam, however, was not doing so well at home. She spent all of her time at home researching her condition or pondering what she was going to do when it came to the SGC. Her doctor was pretty pleased with how she was doing, though. Her CD4 count, luckily, had been high as they had caught her infection so early. Her viral load was rising, though, and she had finally realized that she would need to start on medication soon.

She researched her options and hoped that the side effects wouldn't be too severe. Her luck seemed to suck lately, though, so she'd probably get every single side effect possible.

She was starting to worry about the cost, too. The medications were expensive, over $1000 per month. She knew she had insurance through the military but she would rather not have to use it. If she went through her insurance the military would obviously find out about her condition. Perhaps she could get into some kind of program to assist with the cost. Although the military would find out sooner or later, anyway. Even if she switched to a lab position she was still going to fail her next HIV test. The only way would be to resign her commission and she wasn't sure if her benefits would pay for the medication after that. She didn't think she had served enough years to be able to retire properly and get full benefits. She'd never been in this situation before and didn't know where to turn for answers. Maybe if she stayed as a civilian she would get insurance through the SGC but not the military? What insurance did the civilian scientists have?

This whole situation was giving her a headache and she was no closer to figuring out what to do.

She had also never felt more alone in her life. She went to work and interacted with her team, but the interaction was tainted by the knowledge of her condition. She was constantly wondering what they would say or do if they knew. Someone would give her a compliment and her immediate thought was "But it doesn't matter because I have HIV."

It was ridiculous but it felt like nothing she said or did mattered anymore because of her condition. It was like all of Sam Carter had ceased to be since she had contracted HIV. Everyone online said that it was important to remember she was the same person she was before her diagnosis, but that was a lie. She could barely go a couple of hours before her thoughts inevitably turned to the diagnosis. She knew the guys were once again unconcerned but it was doubtful that Janet wouldn't notice her weight loss.

It felt like she was juggling ten different balls with only two hands and that sooner or later they would hit the floor.