A/N: I know people probably have some big hopes for this next part and I really tried. Jack's thoughts are harder to write than I anticipated so I'm sorry if this doesn't seem realistic. I just don't really see him having that hard a time dealing with it once he gets over his initial shock. You guys can agree or disagree in the reviews.
Also, I thank all the reviewers! I really think about what you guys say and have gone back at times to add or change things based on your opinions and my thoughts.
Jack sat in stunned silence for a moment and didn't know what to say. He just couldn't believe it.
"Are you okay?" Daniel asked.
"You should be asking Carter that."
"I do. Frequently."
"Is she?"
"I think she's getting better," Daniel told him. "But the rumors on base have gotten to her, I think."
"No wonder you thought I was being an ass," Jack said. "You should have smacked me."
"I knew- and so did she- that you and Audra weren't trying to be hurtful."
Jack scoffed. He couldn't believe this was happening. He couldn't believe he'd been so flippant when she was in the room as they unknowingly talked about her.
"I have to apologize to her," he said.
"No!" Daniel said. "You can't tell her you know. She still doesn't want anyone to know."
"What? Daniel, come on. This has gone on long enough, don't you think?"
He did, but that wasn't his choice to make. "It's important that she feels ready to tell you guys and gets to do so in her own time."
"Are you Dr. Phil? She needs friends now," he argued.
"She does. But, Jack, she cares a lot about your opinion. She's been afraid of letting you down," Daniel explained.
"That's ridiculous."
"Which part?" he frowned.
"The whole part!" Jack gestured with his hands in a way that indicated the whole room. "Why does she care what I think?"
"Because you're important to her! Just like she's important to you," he emphasized. He noticed Jack looked distinctly uncomfortable. "I know you guys don't talk about it, but it's true. And she's afraid you'll think she's disgusting and abandon her."
"That's ridiculous," Jack repeated.
"To you. But it's a real fear to Sam."
Jack took a moment to let this sink in. "She should have friends there for her."
"I agree. But she's gonna be devastated if she finds out you know. It'll completely blindside her and I don't think she can handle it now with all the rumors."
Jack still didn't really get the point but he did mostly trust Daniel's judgment. "Alright," he conceded. "For now. But I'm gonna keep an eye on her."
"I'd expect nothing less."
SG1
After Daniel left that night he spent a long time thinking. He seriously couldn't believe that Sam was the one with HIV. He probably would have guessed her last if he had to compile a list of suspects.
God, what was he even supposed to say to her? He had trouble getting his mind around it and he was sure she was having an ever harder time.
He thought about what he had said the other day in her lab. Did he really think people with HIV shouldn't serve? It was obvious that she had switched off SG1 because of her infection. The military apparently had no problem letting her work in the lab.
Part of him said that he would want people with HIV out of the military. The idea made him nervous. He remembered when HIV was first being talked about and people were dying quickly. The Ryan White case jumped into his mind. Charlie had been a few years younger than that boy and he had thought about it then. Would he have wanted his son around him? His instincts said no at first but the more he thought about it the more he realized he was being unfair. Simply being around the person wasn't a danger, surely. He remembered that it transmitted through fluids. But it was hard to stop that automatic reaction that said "danger!"
He supposed Carter in the SGC wasn't a danger, no more than anyone else. It's not like you could avoid people with infections anyway. Odds were he had passed positive people on the street and never known. He cringed at what he said to Daniel about a freak accident occurring. That was a risk of anything and you couldn't avoid people all of the time. It just wasn't possible.
Not that he wanted to avoid Carter. She was still Carter. But now she was also Carter who had HIV. His thoughts, naturally, turned more selfish. How would this affect him? He'd always hoped they would end up together. Did he still want to be with her? What if he got it?
All this thinking was giving him a headache. He figured that nothing had to be decided tonight. The one thing he knew was that Sam would need support and that was something he could definitely provide.
SG1
"Hey, Carter," the colonel greeted her later that week. He walked into her lab and touched some of the items on her lab bench.
"Hi, sir," she replied. "How's… everything?" She wanted to ask about him and Daniel but wasn't brave enough. She could just ask Daniel later.
"Good."
"Good."
Jack paused, not sure what to say to her. She didn't know that he knew but he did know and not saying that he knew was killing him! He stared at her, trying to read the truth in her body language.
Sam shifted self-consciously under his gaze. "Uh, is there something I can do for you, Colonel?"
He shook his head as if trying to focus his thoughts. "Lunch later?"
"I'm kinda busy, sir," she lied. He frowned and she saw him look around her lab at the various pieces of equipment lying around.
"With what?" he asked. Considering he'd watched her sip coffee and stare at her turned off laptop for five minutes before he gathered the courage to walk, he seriously doubted her statement.
"I have some things for SG4 I need to work on," she said. She could tell he didn't believe her but he wisely chose not to push it.
"Alright, maybe tomorrow?" he asked.
"Yeah, maybe" she dismissed, turning back to her laptop to turn it on. Jack was confused but respected her wishes and left.
Sam was surprised by her own words and tone. She hadn't planned on being rude to him but she was still so hurt by his words that she couldn't help it. She hated that she cared so much what he thought and she was punishing him for it. It wasn't fair and she knew it.
She sighed, her little outburst dissolving her anger. None of this was his fault. And she hated to admit it, but she did love when he sought her out. It only happened occasionally but it really did make her feel special when he went out of his way to spend time with her. She rolled her eyes at her girlish thoughts and turned to her laptop, trying to use her work to distract her.
SG1
The next day Jack tried again with Carter. He was pretty sure her negative reaction yesterday was due to his talk a few days earlier and he couldn't blame her. When he thought of the situation he wanted to punch himself. He couldn't even apologize to her because he wasn't supposed to know.
He couldn't verbally apologize but he could be nice to her. Not that he was ever rude to her (at least not intentionally), but he could go out of his way a little. He'd been married for over ten years and knew how to grovel when he needed to.
He brought her coffee that morning. Not the sludge the SGC served but he actually stopped at a coffee place and bought her favorite: cream and that other girl froth that she loved. He got her a muffin as well. He felt a little bad leaving Daniel out but dismissed those thoughts. Daniel would understand.
"Thank you, sir!" Sam smiled, reaching out to take the drink from him. He placed the muffin in front of her. Sam was secretly extremely pleased but tried not to look too happy. That would just be embarrassing.
"No problem," he waved his hand. "I stopped there this morning."
"You did?" Sam asked. "Where's yours, sir?"
"I… drank it in the car," he said.
"Well, thank you, sir," she said sincerely. She thought it was sweet but would never say that to his face.
"No problem, Carter. I'll see you later," he said as he made his escape.
Sam continued to sip her delicious beverage after he left. She was sure it tasted better solely because he brought it for her. She wasn't sure why he was being so nice, but she was enjoying it, especially since she had been so rude to him the day before.
Was that why he was being so nice today? Because he sensed her iciness the day before? She didn't think that he was that good at reading people but maybe she was wrong. You don't make Colonel by being stupid, no matter what he wanted them to think.
SG1
People on base were still talking, but the rumors seemed to be dying down. There were only so many times you could speculate about the person's identity with no new information before it became boring.
For Sam, though, the damage was done. She had heard so much negativity in the past week that she didn't even want to go to work anymore. It didn't help that she didn't have anything pressing to work on in the lab. Like the colonel had noticed, she had a lot of things she could be working on sitting around the lab but none of it really needed to be done with any kind of haste.
The colonel had been exceedingly courteous to her the other day. After he brought her breakfast he came at lunch to ask her to the commissary. Unlike the day before, she joined him, pleased that he was wanting to spend time with her.
Still, by Friday the phase had apparently worn off. She wasn't surprised and it was nice while it lasted. But the change reminded her that he would probably be interacting with her very differently if he knew that she was the one with HIV. Everyone would. No one would probably even sit with her, even though the risk of getting infected was effectively zero. But fear was something that had an isolating effect.
That weekend, days after the rumors started and days after the blowup between the colonel and Daniel, she laid in bed and cried. She didn't even know it was possible to cry as much as she did that weekend. She barely got up except to use the bathroom and get some water. She ate something for dinner on Saturday but that was only because she had it delivered. She nibbled at her pizza in bed, too upset to really have an appetite.
Sunday night she mustered up the energy to take a shower. By 6 pm she was in bed for the night, feeling like she couldn't sleep enough.
SG1
Jack and Daniel spent the weekend more constructively. On Friday Daniel had suggested to him that perhaps he should learn a little more about HIV while he waited for Sam to finally tell him.
"What, there's homework now?" he joked.
"Do you want to help Sam or not?" Daniel asked.
"Geesh, I was kidding," he held his hands up.
"Sorry," Daniel said. "I just think it's a good idea."
"Yeah, alright," he agreed. He didn't really know that much about it if he was honest. If he really thought about it he could see his own views had come out in recent days. He had initially agreed with the assessment that Lieutenant Graham was a likely candidate, having automatically assumed there was a closeted soldier on base. Then he'd found out it was Sam and he was thrown. He knew that if he knew more about it he would have a better idea of where to go from here.
"We'll go to my place," Jack said.
"For what?"
"You want to research don't you?" Jack said.
"I've done a little already," Daniel said.
"Well, good. You can help me with the learnin'," Jack said. "Bring food."
That was how Daniel ended up at Jack's house later that night. To Daniel's surprise Jack actually did own a computer. He had brought his own laptop so that Jack could print off some of his own research that he had saved to his computer.
They ate in the spare bedroom as Jack turned on the computer in the corner. It had a fine layer of dust on it, as did the desk it was sitting on. Daniel was sure he would be sneezing shortly.
"Why is there a computer in here?" he asked.
"Why not?" Jack countered.
"It's a guest bedroom,' Daniel said, stating the obvious.
"So it is," Jack agreed.
"Well, how would you use it if you had a guest staying here?" Daniel wondered.
"I never use it," Jack said. "And I never have guests. Besides your lightweight self who always crashes on the couch."
Daniel gave him a dirty look but knew that he was right. He did have a tendency to fall asleep on his couch after drinking. It was a source of amusement to his team that Sam easily outdrank him, despite him being male and having forty or fifty pounds on her. They suspected Audra could outdrink him too which was just downright insulting. She didn't drink for what she cited as "personal reasons" so would have no tolerance. She was tiny, too, probably only 5 foot 2 and 110 pounds.
"Do you have a printer?" Daniel asked.
Jack reached over and knocked some of the junk off of the desk, revealing a similarly dusty printer. "Yep."
Daniel rolled his eyes. "I have some research I've found that I've saved along with some of my own notes. I'll print it for you."
He set about figuring out the printer, Jack being no help. He hooked his laptop up and was able to print with relative ease, though. Jack began his own search on the internet.
"I didn't know a lot of this," Jack said some time later. Daniel had sat on the end of the bed and was reading over Jack's shoulder. Jack may have a computer but he didn't have wifi so they were forced to share the computer on the desk.
"Which part?" Daniel asked.
"I mean, I knew that you could get it from sex and needles. I didn't know the transmission rates were so low," Jack clarified.
"That surprised me, too," Daniel said. It really had. He always assumed that it was pretty easy to contract but that wasn't the case. The statistics he read said that antiretrovirals greatly reduced the risk too.
"Wow, it's only 4 in 10,000," Jack said.
"What is?"
"The risk is only 4 per 10,000 acts of insertive penile-vaginal intercourse," Jack read from the CDC website. That was way lower than he had pictured. In fact, every site he went on said that the virus, when precautions were taken, was not very transmissible. He definitely realized how overly cautious he had been the other day. There was no reason Carter shouldn't be able to still do her job. The likelihood of being infected even through intimate contact was slim; it was just not going to happen through anything casual.
"That's really low," Daniel observed. "Is that with condoms and antiretrovirals?" Daniel clarified.
Jack scrolled the page. "I'm not sure."
He clicked back and brought up another page with transmission statistics. "This study says 1 in 2500 for the same act."
"That's the same probability as 4 in 10,000," Daniel said.
"Right," Jack said. He didn't realize that. Math wasn't his best subject but he wasn't going to tell Daniel that.
"Look up the risk with antiretrovirals specifically," Daniel suggested.
"You know," Jack observed, "this is probably a moot point."
"Why's that?" Daniel asked.
"I may never need to know these numbers," Jack said. They were kind of assuming that he would one day be at risk.
"Oh, please, Jack, you know that's not true. And when it comes up it will help if you have already made a decision."
Jack continued to click away and he and Daniel both learned a lot. Even the unprotected sex rates were lower than they thought, one source saying only 1 in 2000 for an infected female to male.
"This is interesting," Daniel said, having taken over the clicking when he got tired of how slow Jack was with the computer.
"What?"
"PrEP," Daniel said absently as he read ahead a little.
"What?" Jack repeated, leaning over to look at the screen better. He bumped into Daniel and when he turned to look at him in annoyance Jack realized how close their faces were. He backed up awkwardly.
"PrEP. It's apparently pre-exposure prophylaxis. Uninfected people can take a medication to reduce the likelihood of being infected. The pill is called Truvada and you take it once a day."
"That's pretty cool," Jack admitted.
"There is a post-exposure one too. Like if someone was raped and went to the hospital for treatment. Or if they had a risky encounter and wanted to be cautious."
"I'm assuming Carter got it from sex, right?"
Daniel hesitated. "She did," he informed him. Jack knew she hadn't had any blood transfusions lately or done any drugs. He wasn't telling him anything he didn't already know. "That's part of the reason why she feels so horrible," Daniel said.
"Why?"
"She told me she was a whore," Daniel admitted. "For contracting it."
"What? That's nuts." Jack didn't get it.
"Think about it, Jack," Daniel said. "Women get ridiculed all the time for behaving the same as men sexually. It's a double standard. Sam is buying into it. I think being infected kinda feels like punishment to her for having a one night stand."
"People have sex all the time, Daniel."
"Yeah, but women are supposed to have fewer partners and enjoy it less. Admit it, how many times have you thought worse of a woman for doing the same things you have?"
Jack did think about it and felt like a huge hypocrite. "I didn't mean to." He mostly didn't, now. He probably did in his 20s. It was just a kind of snap judgment that happened before you even realized.
"I don't think most people do. But it's hard to think outside cultural 'truths' and come to a different conclusion."
They read on and eventually switched over to YouTube. Some people had posted videos explaining their own experiences finding out they were positive and living with it. Jack and Daniel were fascinated, hoping to gain some insight into Sam's state of mind.
Back in the text world of the internet they read about others' stories. They both got to the end of one college student's story and looked at each other. The 19 year old contracted the infection after sleeping with a few women at his university.
"Wow," Jack said. "Do you feel like you dodged some bullets in your life?"
"A little," Daniel replied.
"I've had some one night stands," Jack confessed. "That could have been me. I never thought to ask people to get tested. I don't think I was ever tested before I was in the military."
"I slept with Sha're," Daniel said. "We obviously didn't have condoms. I don't know what the Abydonians have disease-wise but it could be something equally bad."
Jack thought of Laira and agreed silently with Daniel. This whole thing was certainly opening his eyes a little.
"Everyone on base is acting like Sam is some terrible idiot for contracting it. They don't realize this could have been them. I mean, they're condemning Sam for acts they have probably done themselves! They just got lucky. I doubt most people ask for proof of testing before they sleep with someone," Daniel ranted.
He was right. But Jack knew that people were experts at being hypocrites, usually through ignorance like he himself was guilty of at times.
They did a little more research on the health effects. Apparently it was more treatable now than they had thought. Jack remembered some horror stories from the 80s. Now one study said that people with HIV and appropriate treatment will likely have an almost normal lifespan. Daniel told him Sam was taking medication and was doing well which helped to put Jack's mind at ease.
"Do you still want to be with Sam?" Daniel finally asked.
"Yes," Jack said. He wasn't making a rushed decision. He knew that he had been a little freaked when Daniel had told him about her HIV, but now he actually had real information. It wasn't a cakewalk, but it wasn't this horrible disease that would jump from her and infect him and result in his untimely death either.
"Even with the possible risk?"
"Yes," Jack said. "It's lower than I thought. I'm comfortable with that level of risk. Even if it were higher I think I'd probably still say yes. I've always wanted her," Jack said. "This doesn't change that." He figured he has enough of his own baggage. He wasn't happy this was happening but at the same time it wasn't something that he couldn't get past or work through with her. In truth he thought Carter was being harder on herself than anyone else could be.
"Good," Daniel said. "I think one day she'll really need to hear that."
So there it is. All of the stats in this chapter were researched. I know it's a little information-dense but I really wanted to show them making an effort to learn more about it and change their perceptions. I don't think Jack is that complex. I think once he gets over his misguided opinions by looking at the facts he would be able to deal well. Sam is the one who is struggling with the stigma.
Some bonus STD facts for you all (skip if you want):
HPV: Ever had any sexual contact? You've probably come into contact with it. It affects up to 80% of people at some point in their lives but most never know they have it. Usually your body clears the infection within two years but it can cause chronic problems like warts or lead to cancer. There is no test for it in men and the tests in women only detect high-risk strains that may cause cancer (not the strains that cause warts). So it's probable you either do or have had it.
Herpes: Also very common, it comes in two flavors: HSV-1 generally causes oral cold sores but can be transmitted to the genitals and HSV-2 generally is "genital herpes" but can be transmitted to the mouth. Most people have no symptoms or never notice them. If you have had more than 2-3 partners you have probably come into contact with it and may even have it. A blood test can tell you if you do in the absence of symptoms.