Hello everyone, I hope you are having a wonderful season. I don't know whether I'll update exactly on Christmas, thus I'm wishing you the warmest in the heart and kindest holiday season and lots of love.

Hold of the Past

Thelma:

Someone must have scooped up the stars from the sky and thrown them into the sea for they glimmer everywhere around our small boat as it glides on soft waves towards the Victory that slowly grows to tower above us. It is peaceful indeed at a place where our date is to be. There must be crewmen assigned to keep watch, but they are silent and invisible, providing an illusion that there are just the three of us walking together as soon as we come aboard. Alone, I may have grown weary of silence and darkness, but the Admiral's presence transforms our walk to the quarterdeck into the most romantic one in my life. Silver moon beams mingle with lights of the multiple lanterns that glow along the port and starboard railing. I get to see him up close and shyly admire such handsome features. Only the rough material of his uniform under my palm reminds me that everything's real. All too often his face is distanced by others coming between us, all searching for his attention. I cannot fight them. I feel but tiny driftwood, falling behind a ship. Somehow, he creates rare moments when I see him up close like tonight, though tonight is special.

He is a stoic man; a little intimidating at first. It passes once I see his eyes, gentlest and full of kindness. He reminds me of my brother Josh who is seven months younger, but I've always felt that he is older. He has an inept ability to lead and direct. When I was younger, I would despair, chasing after my unruly siblings to wash and dress them for dinner. Then, Josh would appear with a few words that have to be magic because suddenly they obey without him ever raising his voice. I was even a little cross that he can do it so easily, whereas I must expend so much energy to accomplish the simplest tasks. James, I'm starting to think about him without the title, is such a man too.

He has unconditional trust and loyalty of anyone who happens to be influenced by him; that's won by respect only. He never mistreats anyone or places unfair demands on those who try to do their jobs fairly, though he could be decisive with those who break the law without being cruel. I don't believe I've ever heard of a whipped man on his ship, though it's not so rare in the Navy. Nor does he ever make someone else do the work he's responsible for, even at times when no one would think ill of him. If anything, he does more than he must.

I remember the day we were returning from the group picnic when our carriage ran wide into a deep ground roughening. The carriage driver was so very cross that he told us to get out and red faced huffed and puffed without making the slightest impression to freeing the carriage.

In this woeful situation James came upon us, riding his steed. The carriage driver asked politely whether the Admiral be so kind as to ride to town and direct two men this way to help with freeing the carriage. We were all daunted because waiting an hour for his return seemed awfully long in dreadful heat. But, James said it won't be necessary. We weren't sure what he was going to do when he dismounted and ordered the carriage driver to take his seat for many gentlemen would be reluctant to be demeaned by dirty work. Ignoring such reservations, the Admiral lifted the carriage high enough for the wheel to find ground. Though he was doing the work that's heavy for two men, so calmly, he ordered the carriage driver to urge the horses on slowly without showing the enormous strain. So reluctantly and with a protesting creaks, the carriage came free and the horses snorted heavily from the effort. We surrounded our saviour to thank him. To that he replied that he us responsible for the port and will soon send a team to better this road; a word he kept.

Walking beside such a man fills me with great admiration and some feeling that seems much like magic. I cannot suppress discomfort when the Admiral asks Jade to speak with him privately. I let them go, hopefully without betraying this darker thought. I cling to belief that we must respect each other. I do ponder what they will talk about while waiting on the quarterdeck under the stars with a violin music played by an invisible musician that envelops the night in the light shades of sorrow.

Jade:

The night is set up to touch with the romance even the hardest soul. No woman would stay indifferent to its beauty. I believe I have been waiting for a moment like this with trepidation when I will be left one on one with my heart to search it for truth. Thus, it is an immediate echo of my feelings when after the brief conversation it took to reach quarterdeck that James calls me aside. There is nothing poor in his manners that indicate I must worry, yet I feel he can see though me, down to the quickly beating heart.

"It's a lovely night," he tells me, walking to the bow where the violin music would masque our conversation from any bystanders.

"It is," I agree with faint hope that this is just a casual conversation; an illusion quickly shattered.

"I do apologize that a kind impression of it must be marred by one of you leaving. To end uncertainty, I must ask for your permission to speak freely."

I don't want him to do so, though I speak contrary, "I expect nothing short of you but to be frank."

The Admiral clears his throat, hesitating just slightly before plunging in. "You are a remarkable young woman, marked by decorum and brilliance. I'm grateful you've chosen to accept an invitation. Nonetheless, I ask whether it is a decision you strongly doubt, perhaps not with your mind but with your heart."

"I think everyone is prone to doubt," I tell him. There is something compelling in his voice that stops me from lying. I seek clarity, maybe from him as well. "The heart often has many foolish desires. It comes into conflict with our mind that wishes what's best for us. How many times have we wished we would follow common sense and be better off for it?"

"More than I can count," he whispers into a pause where both of us know that I haven't answered his question. "Yet, there's also the risk of bringing down onto yourself a lifelong unhappiness by ignoring your heart's wishes. It is something I cannot contest. I would be honoured to ask you to remain should your heart be with you. But, I do remember, always, that I'm not the only one who makes choices."

It is such a delicate, melancholy emotion. He does not tell me that I must leave, but I feel like I am being pushed away, gently.

I cannot protest as vehemently as I ought to. There was a young man in my life few years ago, just a stable boy, nothing more. I saw him whenever I went riding daily, though I think my interest in the subject was prompted by him being there. We never exchanged more than few words, I promised him nothing because I knew my family would never consider him. I was afraid to pay more than a single look. One day, he came before me and said that he loves me and that he is leaving until he can stand up in front of my parents as a suitor. I haven't seen him since that day. It's foolish to even think about him. All I wanted when I received an invitation was to fall in love, start a family and be free of that hold. I guess, no one else can do it for me but me, and the Admiral knows it. He's right.

James leads me to the boat where a sailor is waiting to take me to shore. Our hands link one last time as he helps me to take a seat. Then, I'm lowered into the gentle rocking of the waves. His figure is briefly visible in the lanterns' glimmer as he turns away and disappears from my sight.

James:

I turn away as the boat touches the water. Jade is a fine woman. I hope she will make peace with the past haunting her. Now that I've spoken to her, I see it clearly. How strange that I can sense gambler's clever deceptions and political machinations so easily, but I cannot see clearly the hearts of those close to me. I'm lucky to have friends like Groves and Gillette to point it out. I cannot say whether coming to me was her attempt at denial or acceptance. What's undeniable is that tonight's choice is right. We all have inner demons. It's only a matter of overcoming them.

What I still need to determine are the fears and hopes of the woman I will spend this evening with. Thelma is observing the stars in the water until she hears my footsteps and turns with a quiet question.

"Where is Jade?"

"She's safe. She is returning home under lieutenant's supervision."

"I see."

She cannot state regret, but there isn't a glimpse of triumph. She accepts the turn of events thoughtfully. This seriousness appears to be out of place, lying on the fragile shoulders of someone this young.

"I'm sorry for leaving you out here all alone, although it is perfectly safe. If you're prepared to leave the quarterdeck, there is dinner waiting for us in the guest cabin," I offer.

She comes towards me on her own initiative and accepts my hand with an answer of independent thought that leads me away from misgivings concerning her age. It must be the caution holding me back due to my past that should not be allowed to influence how I see her. I must know she's here on her own will rather than doing the right thing suggested by others.

"Actually," she tells me, "I would like to stay at this enchanted spot a bit longer, this time in your company."