Chapter Eight: The Cost of Love
Hours passed with no change in the Commander's condition. Liara managed to remain calm for some time, but she was worn and soon became impatient with meditation and stillness. She began to pace incessantly - limping, aching, rubbing Shepard's medal between her trembling fingers until it glistened in the darkened room. As time wore on – so did her serenity. With every dart of her gaze to her lover's broken, utterly still body she felt her soul fragment. With every episodic crash Shepard suffered through, her spirits fell. Phantom pain afflicted her and her emotional resources came to be deadly thin. Her mind began to spin as she kept her vigil.
The windswept scape of Alchera invaded her thoughts. She remembered how pristine, how perversely pure, the snow looked heaped on the icy remains of the Normandy as she searched fruitlessly for Shepard's body and how completely filthy – how abjectly dirty and wretched she felt inside as she left Omega. Somehow recovering the dogtags in her hands had kept her going. She'd been so grateful just to possess some little thing that meant something to Shepard. Swiping her thumb over the pure silver icon of "lost causes", she remembered the last glimpse she saw of that same body as she handed her over to Miranda the first time.
There had been no hope in the crumbling morbid remains, no breath, no trace of indwelling at all - just a mockery of who had once lived inside. Liara had hardened herself to the fact that this was only a last ditch effort that might or might not work, made bitter by the fact that it was Cerberus that offered that slim chance. And, even if tech could reanimate the body, would it really be Shepard's soul that inhabited it?
She left the shell of her lover with Miranda, and turned away feeling hollow, as empty as the casket the alliance had buried. She made herself let go, tried to make herself walk away. Somehow she couldn't. The conventional wisdom of her people was no help, no comfort. But, Liara was no more a conventional asari than Shepard was a conventional human. They shared a relationship of kindred spirits and it had left an indelible mark on the maiden in the short time they'd had together.
She mourned, she turned to revenge, violence, manipulation, tedious work, long hours and even a strong drink now and then to escape her darkest nights, to fill the black hole in her heart. Misery and loneliness were her only constant companions. Though her objectives remained just, her methods quickly succumbed to the rage and grief of her baser instincts. She became a thing she reviled - until Shepard came back.
When the spectre stepped into her office in Nos Astra, there was no mistaking the singular presence of her lover for anyone else. The too brief, tremulous first touch, the fleeting kiss she had allowed herself, endowed her with a profound knowing that refused to be ignored. Though she tried desperately, the dejected, damaged maiden could summon no resistance to the persistent magnitude of light Shepard cast on her stained, scarred heart. Somehow the real Shepard had returned.
She'd wanted to guard her emotions, protect her vulnerability, stay safely in the numb, excessively busy existence she'd carved out on Illium. But the Commander's enduring devotion, bright presence and unconditional love demolished every defense she had in place, rescuing her lost soul, restoring her sense of self, her integrity and purpose. Her lover was a force of nature – a rare combination of cleansing fire and cool, soothing water wrapped in a mortal frame. At every possible turn after, Shepard's presence grounded her, gave her solace when she was lost or lonely, protected her body and her heart, and through it all the spectre simply loved her and stubbornly refused to ever stop.
Promise you'll always come back to me. It had been unfair to ask that of Shepard. Liara knew it even as the words passed her lips. But in that moment she needed the reassurance, and her lover had done her best to give it to her. As the war heated up and every situation became more desperate than the last, she came to understand that what she wanted was not something within her Commander's power to pledge.
Shepard belonged to the Alliance, to the council, to the entire galaxy. The beleaguered spectre would move heaven and earth to keep her promise but the only vow she could truly make was to try, and Liara knew - that even now, as she paced and imploded - Shepard was trying. Anyone else would have already given up, yielding to the severe wounds, insufferable pain, overwhelming grief, and the sheer volume of physical and mental resources the devastating war had demanded of her.
Another hour, then another, then three more. Crash, fight, survive. Crash, fight, survive...
During what passes for night on a starship, Miranda and Dr. Chakwas dozed in chairs nearby, alternating turns at testing Shepard's blood, checking virtual displays and scanning for improvement - both jumping into the fray with each crisis. But, there was still no indication that the nanites were working as they should.
Liara gazed again at the still form in the bed. Crash, fight, survive. The unjust intractability of her lover's condition was slowly killing them both. Nerves electrified, mind on fire, Liara wanted to scream, to run away – she wanted - her mother?
The maiden's desperate thoughts grasped for a distant memory. Benezia T'Soni had been an early casualty of the reaper incursion. Her death had been untimely and cruel for such a wise, kind soul. Liara grieved that Shepard had not been privy to her mother's true character, her loving nature. She had never witnessed the regal matriarch's beauty as she swept into a room clad in one of her many flowing yellow dresses, or her love for the wild things of Thessia, including the child she called "Little Wing".
Liara recalled a day during her adolescence when she had gone out to the rookeries of seabirds at the edge of her mother's estate in Armali. She had climbed the cliffs facing the beach to observe the hatchlings and map the nests situated in the rocky caverns. But, the radiant light of Parnitha and the lapping waves of the coast beckoned her to swim and she dove into the crystal water of a deep tidepool instead, reveling in the coolness of the water and the wonder of the day. Upon surfacing, she heard her mother's rich voice a short distance away and realized that Benezia had brought her acolytes out of the estate for an informal class.
The matriarch often let the acolytes guide the conversation, patiently listening to their complaints and struggles and letting them pose questions of their own design. Curious, Liara crested the sparkling dune separating them. Trekking quietly, she unobtrusively made her way to her mother's side and curled up next to her in the warm sand, content to be close and listen.
The group had been asking about navigating relationships. So, the matriarch imparted the traditional teachings of maidenhood, encouraging them to experiment, to enjoy the freedom of youth. Her followers were elated with that advice and became restless, perhaps in their eagerness to go forth and practice said advice. Sensing this, Benezia excused them and they immediately drew away, laughing and giggling, off to their own pursuits.
Liara sat quietly next to her mother, thinking about what she had heard. Something about it didn't satisfy her and the more she thought about it, the less satisfied she became.
"Mother," she asked, all scraped knees and bright eyed innocence, "just melding with someone doesn't mean that you love them, does it?"
Benezia took her daughter's hand, and with a gleam of pride in her face, laughed heartily. "When did you get to be so insightful?" Putting her arm around the youngling's shoulders, she drew her closer, caressing her freckles and answered. "No, it certainly does not."
Looking into the sapphire depths of the experienced, soft eyes studying her, Liara asked, "Then, tell me. What is love? What does it mean to love someone?"
The matriarch sighed deeply and looked to the calm waters of the sea, pondering, gathering her thoughts, clearly seeking the right words. Her eyes carried echoes of a distant pain as she returned her gaze to her only child. "Wise ones have been seeking the answer to that for eons, Liara. I can only tell you what I know, or perhaps – think, I know."
Drawing a deep breath, she held her daughter to her bosom. "No science can explain it, but I believe it is the most powerful force in the universe. Once it is given and returned it has a life of its own, an eternal cycle or rhythm that makes existence, life itself, more than the sum of its parts. It is its own reward. Yet for all of its power, it is an elusive thing. One can find it, but not by seeking. You can only get it by dropping the barriers within that keep it out or imprison it."
Liara was transfixed by her mother's words and leaned into the arms around her as the matriarch continued prophetically, "When the time comes that you truly love someone, when you choose to bond, there will be no end to it for you. No length you will not go to to keep it. It will sustain and consume you - it will be more more precious than all of the platinum in all of the galaxies combined. It will take all of your patience and sacrifice and wisdom. It demands the fiber of your soul. It will completely alter your being."
Regarding her beautiful child, Benezia kissed her temple and softly whispered, "If you ever choose to love, choose well – choose wisely. Because when you choose someone, and they choose you, the only way to keep it – is to stay with that one you love, having faith that they will make the same choice as well – and then to remain steadfast to that choice every day thereafter. The only end to love is to walk away." Sighing softly, the tall asari stood, brushed the sand from her dress and offered her daughter a hand up as she finished with a sad, but amused smile. "And sometimes... even that doesn't work."
It was on that day, that young Liara T'Soni vowed to herself that she would put the day of any such choice off for as long as she could. Love sounded like a terrible beauty – an astonishingly difficult, miraculously wonderful, fragile – yet impossibly strong, very, very dangerous thing.
Her reverie was broken by the pounding intensity of her own heartbeat and the sharp halt to the punctuation of her own footsteps as her pacing ceased. She'd very abruptly come to the end of herself and she broke down. Her eyes and her heart burned with exhaustion and anxiety, her fevered blood threatened to burst her bones at the marrow.
Facing the viewport with a net of glimmering stars, Shepard's comatose form was outlined by the inky velvet of space. The uninvited vision of a pyre under that frame ignited in her mind's eye. Enraged, she lashed out at it, splintering the nightmare into a million razor sharp shards. She clutched her burning chest, hot tears angrily pouring over her face, rushing down her neck, streaming between her breasts. Staring into the darkness, she unleashed her defiance on the universe, screaming - pleading.
I will not run! I chose Shepard and she chose me! I love her and she loves me! We are bonded – we are one! To save this wretched, thankless galaxy, she has sacrificed herself, her desires, her dreams, her life – time and again! She has never asked for anything back, never once complained. She has done what she was born to do, and she has done it well! Perhaps I am selfish and undeserving, but she isn't. So whoever, whatever you are out there – give her back! She deserves to live. Don't take her away from me! Don't let this be the end! It's too soon... too soon...
Could a person die of a broken heart? Liara found herself doubled over her knees on the floor, gasping for breath, drenched in sweat and tears, racked with anguish and uncontrollable pain. Her head pulsed with heat, her chest felt run though with a sharp blade, her whole body convulsed in a quaking, sobbing, pathetic heap. She'd tried to keep it in, but she just couldn't take anymore. Goddess, if this is it – just take me too!
A cool hand, wielding a cold cloth came to her rescue. "Liara!" She heard the frantic voice of Dr. Chakwas bending over her. "Miranda, help me. We need to get her up! Hurry! Into that chair quickly!"
The maiden felt the women gently lift her. Trying to find the strength to get up, her knees buckled. As they eased her into the chair, a monitor alarm on Shepard's bed began to clamor, then another joined its droning buzz, then another. Curling herself into a fetal position, Liara clutched her head trying to drown out the dire cacophony. Pulling herself in tighter, she shrugged Karin's hands off, unable to stop crying, gasping for breath, senseless. Her auditory chamber reeled with a sound like rushing water from a breaking dam. She couldn't see, couldn't think, couldn't go on. Sparks erupted in the veil of her brain and mercifully, she blacked out.
Liara awoke to find that she was stretched out on a cot in Shepard's now quiet room. Gingerly, she sat up and tried to get her bearings. Her throat was dry, her head felt cottony, her eyes were grainy and sore.
She felt an arm around her, a hand massaging her back. She greedily took a proffered drink of water. "Do think you can stand?" Karin asked gently, her face serene.
Unsure of her faint legs, she tested them cautiously, and began to rise, her body still trembling from the crisis she'd endured. Her voice quivered. "I can." She stated it as fact, but as she stood she felt weak. She was at a loss as to the sense of time, disoriented. But, it didn't matter.
"Good girl," Dr. Chakwas encouraged, guiding her numbed body to Shepard's bed. "There's someone you need to see, I believe."
Latching onto the bedrail to lend her support, the maiden dared to look at the prone body on it, expecting the worst, afraid.
The Commander turned her head, her face beginning to glow with touches of pink, the vile tube absent from her mouth. Her bruised eyes sparkled as she spoke her first words in a sighed, hoarse whisper and flashed a tired smile. "Liara."
It was like honeyed nectar to the asari maiden. Liara's hands flew to her flushing face as rivulets rained from her eyes. "Shepard!" she heaved, sobbing, "Goddess, Shepard, I..." She didn't know what to say. The only thing she knew was that she needed to feel her lover, her skin hungered for touch, her body vibrated with the need for connection.
Shepard lifted her good arm in invitation and the relieved asari rushed to fill it. Mindful of the tubes and bandages, Liara gently lay her head in the crook of her lover's shoulder and wept. She felt the sweep of her lover's thumb as she wiped the tears away, her own eyes damp from the struggle she endured.
"I got better. I kept my promise." The spectre hummed soothingly as she stroked the freckles on the maiden's wet cheeks.
Raising her chin, Liara drank in her bondmate's marred, wonderful face and the light in her bright, hungry eyes. Reaching up she traced the pink scar through her eyebrow with a featherlight touch, her blue eyes wide in wonder.
"You did." She whispered, not trusting her own voice. She swallowed hard, trying to think of what Shepard would want to know and looked down in thought. "The fleet, the Normandy are gone. The reapers are dead. Reports in the system..."
"... can wait." The Commander finished softly. Tenderly tracing her jaw and lifting her face, she brushed her fingertips across Liara's dark lips and continued. "The galaxy... the Alliance.. the Normandy... they can all wait. They've had me long enough. Right now, all that matters is you. Right now, I'm all yours. Just be here with me, okay?"
"Okay... " She peered into her lover's gentle eyes and unable to resist, stroked the soft bit of dark hair sprouting on her forehead. "I want that more than anything." Carefully, she wriggled as much of her body onto the bed as she could manage.
Shepard held her close, caressing her face, her back, her neck, her crest. The touch was soothing, warm and tender. Liara luxuriated in it, she couldn't get close enough. It was so good, so right. She felt like she had traveled a million miles and finally come home.
Resting together, rapt in their awareness of each other, they held on in silence, their minds famished, tentatively reaching for each other. The Commander cocked her eyebrow and turned to her lover. "Why don't you come in for awhile?"
Beaming, Liara looked to Karin and Miranda, who were quietly watching the reunion, both a bit misty-eyed, grinning like a pair of happy thieves. Miranda crossed her arms and glanced at Chakwas, nodding her dark-maned head. The silver-haired doctor sighed indulgently, waved at them and snorted gently. "Oh, do go ahead, never let it be said that we would stand in the way of true love."
Reaching out Karin gripped Shepard's arm gently, smiling impishly and teased. "Just don't be at it too long. You both need rest - soon." Beckoning to the operative, she called. "Miranda dear, I think we deserve a drink. I just happen to have a bottle of..." her voice trailed into the passageway as they padded off to their reward.
The lovers wasted no time. Liara gently pressed her lips to Shepard's and delicately murmured, "Embrace eternity." Color, emotion and warmth swirled around her as her lover welcomed her in, their thoughts merging, shining like quicksilver.
"I've missed you so much, Liara."
"Goddess, I've missed you too Shepard."
"You are incredible, amazing, beautiful - and very, very tired I see. How's the leg?"
"It's healing... but, I'm more worried about you."
She heard chuckling. "I'll live. Thanks to you. You're amazing."
"You've mentioned that before...but I like it. And, for the record, I had considerable help."
"You did. We have exceptional friends. But you kept your promise."
"Always Shepard. I'm just glad you could too."
Liara felt the Commander's mind beginning to tire so she very carefully began to withdraw, but Shepard's thoughts tugged at her.
"Wait..don't go yet. I have to ask you something."
"Okay, but then you need to rest."
"Is this the beginning of 'after'?"
The lilting, delightful music of the asari's laughter echoed in their joined minds, "I believe so, yes."
Carefully, the maiden unwrapped them from the meld, nuzzled her lover gently, and kissed her lips sweetly. Tucking her crest back into the nook of Shepard's arm, she sighed in contentment, "I love you, Shepard."
"I love you too, Liara." The spectre told her tenderly, pressing a kiss to her temple, her fingertips tracing and retracing the maiden's face and throat. Then, chuckling softly, she added. "And, before you ask... yes, you can count on me showing you just how much as soon as I'm physically able."
Liara felt alive again and it felt good. Smiling, she closed her eyes, lay her head on Shepard's shoulder, safely enfolded in the spectre's good arm, listening to her steady heartbeat, and waited for every day after to truly begin.
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A/N - To all of you wonderful folks who have favorited, followed, and especially to those who have graciously reviewed - thank you. I have one more chapter to post. A prologue of sorts for the story I am working on to follow Blue Grit. I'm planning to post it on the weekend. Hope you've enjoyed the ride!