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Chapter 13 :
"I – I don't know where that came from," Kurt said in a shocked whisper. His whole body was quivering; the rushing sound in his ears was back and a disgusting throbbing had started up in his head, the kind that occurred after he had spent a long time crying. He pressed the heel of his hands to both his eyes and tried to block his vision, tried to take deep calming breaths and clear his head.
His words were still echoing in his head.
I am your Kurt
He hadn't even been aware of what he'd said until the words were hanging in the air between them. It had been as natural as saying, 'are you crazy?' when someone insisted that flip flops were considered respectable footwear. He didn't know what had prompted it except for the fact that the second he had seen Sebastian start to cry, guilt had washed over him like a tidal wave and all he'd wanted to do was make it better.
When Sebastian had said he wasn't his Kurt, it had hurt. There was no reason for his words to hurt, they were true – Kurt had said as much himself. He wasn't Sebastian's husband, he wasn't the same Kurt and yet, something inside him had flared up and felt the need to fight back.
It was like there was another him struggling to come to the surface, to fix what Kurt was screwing up. A Kurt who took comfort in the smell of Sebastian's body wash, who curled up close to him in his sleep and wore his wedding band proudly rather than hiding it away in a drawer. A Kurt who felt Sebastian's pain as strongly as if it were his own and refused to let himself be the cause of it.
Sebastian's Kurt.
Kurt wanted to rip him out of his body and throw him at Sebastian. Say 'here, you have him. Now leave me alone.'
Instead, he was stuck battling with him, trying to reconcile that Kurt's feelings with his own feelings. It was exhausting and confusing.
"Kurt," Sebastian's voice was gentle, closer.
"Just go away," Kurt said without any force.
"Kurt, look at me." Sebastian's voice was calm, pleading and it was that, more than anything that made Kurt open his eyes and look at him. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"I'm fine," Kurt said, taking a step back to put some distance between them.
To his dismay, Sebastian only stepped closer. "You don't look fine."
"Sebastian -" but Kurt didn't have the energy to say anything else except, "I'm sorry." He wished he'd opened a lamp or something because it suddenly felt too close, too personal standing here in the dark with Sebastian barely an arm's length away from him. "I'm sorry," he said again. "I shouldn't have lashed out at you, I shouldn't have kissed Blaine but I wasn't thinking and -"
"Hey - hey, ssh." Sebastian said, closing the last few inches between them and wrapping his arms around Kurt. The promise he'd made last night to keep his distance seemed to have flown out the window for all the care Sebastian took to stay at a respectful distance.
"No, don't -" Kurt said, trying to twist away from the embrace but Sebastian didn't budge. Something told him he was used to Kurt pushing him away when he was upset but unlike everyone else, he didn't back down.
Marriage perks a voice in his head said.
Kurt didn't want to cry, he really didn't. But there was something about the way Sebastian was cradling his head against his chest with his other arm wrapped tightly around Kurt's waist that made him want to cry. A battle seemed to be raging between how his body wanted to press in closer and let Sebastian hold him and how his mind refused to come to terms with the fact that he was letting Sebastian Smythe comfort him.
His body won because Kurt let out a shuddering breath and relaxed in Sebastian's arms. Sensing the sudden lack of resistance, Sebastian tightened his grip. His fingers threaded through Kurt's hair, stroking along his scalp in a slow, soothing motion and his chin came to rest on top of his head.
"You don't have to be sorry," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "You have issues to sort out, I get that. I just wish you would let me help you instead of going to someone else."
"I wasn't thinking of you when I kissed him." Kurt said. "Maybe I should have, but I wasn't. You have to understand that I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I know you didn't." Sebastian said with a sigh. "You don't care about me enough to think of hurting of me – no, don't try to deny it. It's the truth and we both know it."
"If I didn't care," Kurt said slowly. "I wouldn't have apologized. I wasn't lying when I said I don't love you. I don't. But – I do care about you. To some extent, at least."
"You didn't just say you don't love me, Kurt. You said you can't." Sebastian said, looking heartbroken.
If there was any way to talk all of his words back, Kurt would. The hurt on Sebastian's face was breaking him more than his own pain.
We're in the same situation, he thought with a burning sadness. We both woke up one day to find out that the person we love most doesn't love us back anymore.
Kurt hated feeling like he owed something to anyone but he knew he owed it to Sebastian to be honest with him. If Blaine had closed himself off and refused to talk to Kurt, it would have torn his heart apart. He may not have been Sebastian's Kurt one hundred percent but he was all Sebastian had and it may have been an obligation, but it was something Kurt would have expected too if the situation were reversed.
"When I was in the hospital," Kurt said quietly, "Doctor Hendricks told me that one of the main causes of stress in my situation would be the complete lack of control I had over my life. She said that since this version of my life isn't going to make any sense to me, I might try and hold on to everything I know from my past in order to feel less lost."
"And that's what you were doing with Blaine." It wasn't a question, just a statement. "You were trying to feel less lost."
"I was looking for closure." Kurt said. "It's easier to let go of things like not going to NYADA or never making it on to Broadway because I don't remember experiencing them. But Blaine meant so much to me. He was one of the best things that ever happened in Lima. You can't hate me for wanting to hold on to how safe I felt with him."
"I don't hate you." Sebastian said. "You just hate me."
Kurt closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I hate the Sebastian that I remember," he said when he opened his eyes again. "You're not him. It's just difficult for me to separate you two."
"Kurt, be honest – before, when you said you're my Kurt, what were you thinking?"
"I wasn't thinking."
"You were thinking something."
Kurt shook his head. "I wasn't. I had no idea I'd said the words until a second after I'd said them."
"You know what I think?" Sebastian said. "I think somewhere in here..." his hand came up to brush Kurt's temple and trace back over his head. "Somewhere in your unconscious mind, you remember me. It's like you said yesterday, you know there's a reason you married me. You know there's a part of you loves me but you don't let that part of you come out consciously because the idea of loving me scares you too much."
"How do you know me so well?" For the second time that night, Kurt wasn't able to stop the words until he'd already said them.
Sebastian smiled, his hand drifting down from his forehead to touch Kurt's cheek lightly. "Because," he said. "If you're my Kurt, then I'm also your Sebastian."
Every single pair of eyes present is trained on them, Sebastian is well aware of this fact. He forces himself to ignore everyone, focuses instead on Kurt who is currently smiling at him, his arms wrapped tightly around Sebastian's waist.
Years of slowly falling in love, months of crazy preparation and here they finally are. Sharing their first dance as a married couple.
"So are we KurtandSebastian or SebastianandKurt?" Kurt asks with a teasing smile.
"Let's stick to Kurt and Sebastian." Sebastian replies, tugging Kurt closer and daring enough to slip his hands lower on his waist so they're resting just above the swell of his ass. "Don't go all coupley on me. I'm freaked out enough as it is." Kurt laughs and leans up to kiss Sebastian with just the barest brush of his lips. "Tease." Sebastian grumbles when he pulls away.
"You're mine forever now." Kurt says, his eyes shining.
Sebastian drops his forehead to rest against Kurt, his heart aching with the sheer amount of love he feels for this man in this moment. He kisses the corner of Kurt's mouth, brushes their noses together and breathes in deeply. "I've only ever been yours. Difference is, now it's official."