Day Ten – Tuesday
I felt terrible the next morning, and Anna only confirmed that opinion by dropping the plate she was holding when I walked in. "Elsa!" she gasped. "You shouldn't be out of bed yet." I tried to smile.
"I'm fine, Anna, really." She raised an eyebrow.
"You need to get back in bed. I'll get you something to eat. Honestly! You could have just told me that you were hungry, you know." I shook my head.
"I'm not hungry." Which was an understatement – the thought of eating made me feel sick.
"Then why are you up?" she demanded. Then her eyes narrowed. "If you think that you're going to class today, then you are mistaken. You're in no condition to go anywhere!" I sighed as she continued to ramble on.
"I've missed a day already," I said tiredly. "I need to catch up on what I've missed, and I need to go to work today."
"Elsa! You can't go to work! Even us talking is tiring you out!" I sighed.
"We need the money, Anna," I said patiently. "Besides, I can't just not go to work because I'm feeling a bit under the weather – I have a job to do."
"You can't do your job if you're ill," Anna insisted stubbornly.
"I'm fine! I'll be even better in a couple of hours! You can't base an illness off of a lack of appetite."
"Hah! You couldn't even get out of bed yesterday!"
"And today I'm fine!"
"Yeah, right! Just because you're all 'snow and ice' powers doesn't mean that you're invincible. You can still get ill! You are ill! If you try to carry on the way you are, you're going to end up in hospital!"
"Elsa?" We both looked around to see Olaf in the doorway, holding onto the cuddly reindeer toy that Kristoff had given him. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Olaf," I said, smiling at him. "Anna's just worrying over nothing."
"Nothing!" she snorted. "Why don't you go get ready for school, Olaf? I'll make sure Elsa's okay." He paused, then nodded, and closed the door. As soon as he did I turned on Anna in rare fury.
"There was no need for that!" I said, almost snarling. "You'll just worry him more."
"Worry him more? Elsa, you look terrible! He's already worried!"
"You didn't have to imply that something was wrong!"
"Something is wrong!"
"No it's not! You don't have to shut him out–"
"I'm shutting him out?" Now Anna was angry too. "You're the one that's shutting everyone else out, Elsa! You're always shutting me out – you're doing it now!"
"I am not! Just because you chose to make a big deal over nothing doesn't mean that I'm hiding something!"
"You're always hiding something. You're so afraid of anyone else finding out about you that you're shutting out those of us who already know about you!"
"I'm used to hiding it, Anna. I have to!"
"That's not my fault!" I paused.
"I never said it was." She snorted.
"Oh no. You're always trying to blame yourself for everything, but you clearly do blame me! You never use your powers any more because you're so afraid that I'm going to do something stupid–"
"I'm trying to protect you and Olaf!"
"Yes, because you're so good at it! You've nearly killed me twice! Really good protection there, Elsa!"
"Then I have all the more reason for not doing it again!"
"So stay inside! Get better! Or I'll start thinking that you really do want to kill yourself!"
"What?" I was shocked out of my rage. "What do you mean?"
"Oh don't play dumb, Elsa." I stared at Anna in confusion. This was so unlike her. "You must have known when Hans aimed that gun at you, but you didn't do anything! You just waited! I was the one that he shot at! Good thing I was frozen, huh?"
"I didn't need to do anything! You've just said that my ice is bulletproof."
"You weren't doing anything! Your ice might be bulletproof, but you're not!"
"I thought you had died!" I shouted. "I thought I had killed you! I didn't have a reason to stop him shooting! I thought I'd finally become the monster that Mother and Father always feared that I'd be!"
"Why would you think any differently now? You did freeze me! What changed, Elsa?" I stumbled to a halt, lost for words. Because nothing had changed. Anna nodded.
"You're still scared you'll hurt someone. You're still trying to blame yourself for everything, and you're working way too hard. You never got ill before! You think I haven't noticed how tired you're getting? You're trying to do too much to atone for the wrong that you never did! And you're so busy trying to do that that you never noticed me noticing!"
"That doesn't change anything! I'm the only one with a real job, so I need to get the money from it!"
I regretted the words as soon as they were out of my mouth. The look of hurt and betrayal on Anna's face cut into my heart more deeply than I would ever admit. "I...I'm sorry, Anna...I didn't think," I mumbled, but she wasn't listening.
"Fine!" she shouted. "Go!" She was crying now, and each tear only drove my guilt deeper. "And when you collapse from doing too much, don't come knocking on my door! You lost the right to do that long ago!" She turned and marched out of the kitchen. I stood, one hand on the table holding me up and the other stretched out to Anna.
What have you done? My father's voice from fourteen years ago echoed in my head. I shook my head slowly, tears trickling down my cheeks, my hand covering my mouth in horror.
What had I done?