Its uh, been a while.
I have, well, a lot of conflict about this story lmfao
I read through the last chapter before after I posted it and I hated it. In the last few months, I have been extremely close to deleting it off fanfiction and rewriting it. It derailed, I lost the plot, I had no motivation to write.
Until I read it again.
Now I feel inspired to continue writing this shit stain of a fic (well come on, it's so ooc lmfao) but do you know what? Bugger it. I will carry on and you will enjoy it.
BUT BEFOREHAND.
Guess what? DOUBLE FIGURES YO.
This is the first ever proper thing I've written that has hit chapter 10 (except something I wrote when I was 12 that was as bad as Monday mornings which I am not even going to explain) and I feel as if I should kind of do something. Plus do a little bit of compensation for my downward spiral of literacy.
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO~
A Happy 10th chapter trivia – music edition
*for the actual chapter, just scroll down a bit*
Music has been, well, the driving force of this fic I guess. Originally, this was kind of a drawn out songfic of "Back Stabbin' Betty" by Cage The Elephant. Except kind of role reversed, with Proton being the "you're a low life, you're lucky that you've got me" sort of person whereas Lizzy is like the "he don't like that, he wants his life back, he wants to go back home" kind of person (except gender reversed oh lord). But yeah, the plot kind of follows this song if you're interested in looking it up!
Another song that represents the story but more poetically is probably "Back Against the Wall" by Cage the Elephant. (I don't think I need to explain why this represents this story). But yeah, theres a really cool lyric in it that reminds me of how I'm portraying Proton – "Out back the monster wears a cloak of Persian leather" which is kinda how Lizzy perceives Proton as a person.
Another couple of songs that have been pulling me through are "Secret Alphabets" and "Underdog" by Kasabian. Underdog would probably be the opening song if Macabre was an anime or something, whereas Secret Alphabets has just been a calm easy thing for me to write with.
Lizzy's theme song is easily "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" by Oasis – seriously, look at the lyrics. "Take what you need, and be on your way, and stop crying your heart out", she's looking to steal her team back, she wants to leave team rocket as soon as she's got them, and she keeps crying. It's her, oh hell.
Other songs that have helped me write this have been: (ps, please excuse my weird taste in music)
Walking With Shadows – Gary Numan
Need You Tonight – INXS
The Red Shoes - Kate Bush
Clarity (feat. Foxes) – Zedd (if I ever write a sequel for Macabre, this would probably be it's themesong)
Lullaby – The Cure
Slipping Away - Nine Inch Nails
The Perfect Drug – Nine Inch Nails
Amber Alert – The Icarus Line
Closer – Nine Inch Nails
Don't Mess With Me – Temposhark
There, There – Radiohead
Jagerbomb – Crossfaith
Key Entity Extraction II: Hollywood The Cracked – Coheed and Cambria
Frankfurt Smile – The Icarus Line
Only Love Can Conquer Hate – Ryuichi Sakamoto
And strangely enough, the main song that helped me write this chapter was Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke. Why? Don't even ask. Seriously.
AND THAT'S THE END OF THIS INTERMISSION. ENJOY THE CRAP. WOOOO.
You may have found it pointless but I've wanted to share what has been inspiring me for yonks.
Chapter 10
Shocked, I awoke with a jolt. Barings? My mind knew no meaning of the word as I sat upright with a jump, registering the fact that I was back in bed. I could have sworn that I had fallen asleep on the corridor – and even worse, saw what I believed to be an apparition of the girl I had met the day I joined Team Rocket's infamous ranks. I tried grasping what I could of the situation I had previously been in, and started putting together the pieces. All I could solidly remember was Proton getting rather close to Cadence and making me feel extremely inadequate – but, what was Proton out to do? Make my life a living hell, or at least I thought so. The apparition of Kristina still haunted my memory though – though it was starting to blur through what I thought was reality and what I thought was a dream.
'Gonna go with a dream', I thought to myself as I dragged myself out of bed. Dream or not, I was still worried about Kristina – the last time I saw her was when Proton was beating her up in the small room. Did she actually escape from there? What if Proton… no, he wouldn't have killed her. He could have easily killed me by now, but he hadn't. What if she…
"Lizzy! You're awake!" An enthusiastic squawk interrupted my dread. Cay was hanging over my bunk, completely upside down, looking extremely pleased with herself. To be frank, I'd never seen her looking so detached from her usually-cool attitude.
"Really? I thought I was swimming." I frowned at her, disapproving of how she'd stayed with Proton and not followed me – she could have vouched whether the whole deep-as-hell Kristina situation was real or my imagination. Plus, I knew Proton was using her attention-span to emotionally hurt me.
"No but – really," she dropped off the bed and stood up straighter than I'd ever seen her stand before "Proton was saying-"
"Cay, in all due respect, I couldn't give a shit about Proton." I interrupted her, turning around with a dull expression upon my scarred face. She looked a little disheartened.
"Are you okay? I mean – you seem really, uh, down."
"I'm as okay as a mouse getting pursued by a cat." I replied, putting on my stupid boots as I stood up from my stupid bed, taking in the surroundings of the stupid rockets. I hate Team Rocket. She started trying to reply again before I interrupted her.
"I'm going for a walk". I announced, before leaving her hanging mid-sentence and strode across the room in an effort to never hear the end of it.
I knew I felt horrible. I couldn't shake off the worry of Kristina. I needed to know she was okay – but I didn't know if she was. I didn't even know if her name was Kristina or not – the only thing I knew is that she was obviously part of Proton's division. And, naturally, he was the cause of this mess-up. The only thing to do was to ask him about her whereabouts, and I was about as enthusiastic to do that as my Mother letting my Kabutops walk around the house. Not very.
My steps were drowned by the footsteps of surrounding grunts – it was horribly warm and crowded, I couldn't get a breath of fresh air no matter how hard I tried. Palms like an ocean, I barraged through the crowd and popped out into a less crowded corridor. Plan… I needed a plan. Now that I had the space to think, ideas swam in and out of my mind in a total flurry. Look for her? Ask around? Raid the records of grunts I hoped existed? Everything had too much effort involved, and I was in such a bad mood that I could not be bothered to even muster up the enthusiasm required. My only other option was to get a friend to help me search – but how many friends did I have? One. Whom I currently couldn't face out of spite. There was always Petrel – but I'd been bugging him too much recently and didn't want another violent gossip about me. Plus, he was kind of an executive and I doubt he'd have enough time to help a paranoid grunt who had a death sentence from another executive. Friction among ranks and all. But, as I eyed all the clustered grunts, I couldn't think of any other better option and made my way to the estranged executive's office.
By the time I'd got through the tidal wave of people and got to the entrance, I could hardly breathe – so when I opened the door to get drowned by smoke, I almost collapsed with oxygen deprivation. But sure enough, Petrel was leaning on his desk, looking engrossed in a stack of paper he had propped in front of him. So engrossed that he didn't notice me, giving me the option to run out without making myself look an idiot. Rationalisation started taking over me – of course it was a dream! What am I thinking! I should just walk out again and-
"Oh, hello Elizabeth"
God damnit.
"Hello uh, sir" I responded, not wanting to be in the position I was in. The events of the medical room replayed and I suddenly felt the familiar feeling of threat and confusion. A big grin spread across his face as a frown started playing across mine and his mouth started to open as if to start relaying a sentence, but before he could I hastily shouted "NEVER MIND!" and turned around, only to walk head-first into the doorframe.
Laughter rung out behind me as I rubbed my forehead in frustration, and I turned back around to shoot an icy glare at the executive. He instantly stopped laughing and I made my way out of the office in an even worse mood than before. However, a voice pulled me back in.
"Wait."
Wait for what? I thought annoyingly to myself, frowning all the while, but still, I turned around yet again and walked back into the office. Eye to eye, Petrel lit up a cigarette, not saying a word to give way to his order. I couldn't stand any bullshit.
"I can't, I need to go." I droned out, as I tried to turn around yet again – adamant to leave the situation and be on my way.
"That's an order, Elizabeth."
Oh for pete's sake.
A couple of minutes later, I was sat opposite Petrel, in an almost interview like situation. At least he isn't trying to snake on top of me again.
"Why are you even part of Team Rocket? I can tell you hate us." A grin played across his face – almost knowing that no matter what I tried to say to convince him, it would be useless in trying to sway his persuasion.
"My Mother wanted me to join." I spoke calmly, staring him right in the eye, seriousness ringing in my voice. But of course, it wasn't enough.
"Whatever – I know for a fact that what you're saying is total bullshit, Elizabeth."
Taken aback by his swearing, I lost my serious stance. I'd never been afraid of the man in lipstick – but I was starting to regain my shakes that I'd develop whenever Proton was around.
"I don't really understand what you mean." I stuttered out, trying to regain my maturity but lost it when the older man shot another elongated stare at me.
"Of course you do – you know what you're doing, hell, you dressed up as a boy to get in – plus Proton recognised you. I mean, I'm a nice guy, but you're really starting to frustrate me."
What am I doing to frustrate him? Oh god – don't tell me I have to confess about the Kabutops and how Proton has been treating me and-
"Proton stole my Pokémon."
Fucking hell, Elizabeth. Good job. If he repeats this - you are literally dead. This is it - you know how he reacted to Lyra, but another executive? I'm done for, i'm done for, i'm done for.
A silence suddenly purged the room – Petrel looked as if he saw a ghost, whereas I looked as if I'd just seen Hitler. He looked as if he was trying to speak, but couldn't quite find the words to fit the situation. I was on the edge of either walking out, or piquing an argument. Ash had started to build up on the end of his cigarette by the time I snapped.
"Well – wasn't it obvious?!" I growled at him with more spite than I really should have added, fueled by my regret of letting the cat out of the bag. I jumped as he stood up with more reaction than I'd ever seen in him.
"Why didn't you tell me?!" He shouted back at me, his deep voice rasped by the crap from the cigarette.
"I wasn't really in a situation to do so! And I'm still not!" I shouted back, tears building up in my eyes again. In my past week of joining the rockets, I'd become more emotionally frustrated than a ballet dancer giving birth. His beady eyes looked towards my grazed cheek and he managed to put one and one together.
"Oh god." He sat down again, realising the hell I'd been through. "I mean – Pokémon are worthless but – your face."
A small grin finally broke upon my face, causing me to laugh a little. What was it about Petrel – easily the strangest executive going – that cheered me up? My laugh became infectious and he suddenly joined in.
Things were looking up until a rock hit the bottom of my stomach.
Kristina.
I had just told Petrel that Proton had stole my Pokémon – if he let it slip, it was over anyway – that ruled out the hell I would face if Proton decided to use me as a punching bag again. I ran out of the smoky office almost instantly and charged down the everlasting corridors until I hit the shadowed door of Proton's office. Adrenaline pumped through my mind as I opened the crooked door – and let my imagination be strung up by the puppeteers of dread. The monster was sitting in front of me, looking at me with a surprised, yet malignant grin.
"Lizzy, babe."
The monster called me babe. I refused to shut down my courage and play child with my emotions.
"P-Proton" I stuttered, trying to talk back, but unfortunately my courage started draining.
"Sir" he almost automatically corrected me, standing up from his chipped desk.
"W-what did you do w-wi-" he started waltzing towards me, "w-with-" he was standing in front of me. He leaned into my shoulder and whispered in a cold, crisp voice.
"With?"
My tongue wouldn't respond to my constant barrage of "Kris". My legs wouldn't respond to the repeating order of "get out". I was trapped.
The monster snaked his hand around the back of my neck, holding it in a vice-like grip.
"I don't like having my time wasted, Lizzy."
I couldn't do it. Kris was gone – at least in my mind – and I needed to be gone. Soon. Shakily, I tried to remove myself from the chains, but it wasn't working. Trapped, trapped, trapped.
"What's the matter, Lizzy? Don't you like me?" He smirked, his voice worming it's way into my mind, clawing away at my rationalisation and setting the pavement for fright. I looked around the room for any help – scanning the grey walls up and down, as if I was an animal cornered in a cage. The rough pinch started to bruise my neck, and slowly I was starting to wince in pain. Good idea? More like you absolute idiot.
"You're a nothing but dirt, Lizzy," his voice planted seeds in my mind, "you worthless girl." He almost sung in delight as the words sliced through my sanity. Almost ironically, he moved his arms around my waist, as if he was trying to hug me.
"You're lucky that you have me."
I. Me. Have. Him.
Almost out of natural reflex, I blushed, even though my mind was screaming in protest. I slowly tried to wrap my arms around him – as if the one person I had hated these past few days was the only sort of comfort I had.
Stop it now Elizabeth! My mind tried arguing to me – rationalisation realising that the only reason why I had wanted this affection was because of the monster in front of me, trying to weasel my way into insanity. I was becoming Kris. I couldn't help it, though. To be denied affection… to be somebody's punching bag, this intimacy filled in the gaps.
I didn't want it though. I tried to pull away from the vice – It didn't work.
"What are you doing? Nobody will ever want such a horrible girl like yourself" he chimed, starting to cradle me. Nobody will ever want me.
I thought of my Mother, never putting any effort into me. My Father, leaving me and my Mother for another woman, never talking to me again. My friends, all drifted away from me.
Proton was right.
No – wait. Proton isn't right, he's trying to damage me.
But-
I started crying, and he instantly pulled me even closer. I knew what he was trying to do – he was trying to reduce me to nothing, and then make it seem as if he was the only person who mattered, that I would do anything for. I understood Kris, finally.
"Hush – you've got nothing to cry about – it's the truth".
I didn't care about Kris. I wanted to get away from the sickness engulfing me.
"P-please, get off m-me" I quietly sobbed, trying to push his tall frame off me.
"Shut up, Lizzy". He commanded, pulling me even closer to the point of not being able to breathe.
Instincts took over, and I lifted my knee up to his crotch, forcing it up with all the strength I could muster. Almost instantly, he let go, rolling on the floor, and I pelted out of the room, flustered and terrified. My actions would mean he would come after me again, and it would be a replay of my first day. Where could I hide? Nowhere.
Thoughts played around with my memories – maybe Proton was right, I had nobody to vouch for me. Nobody.
I ran straight for the dorm – he couldn't enter without everyone noticing. I ran straight in, ignoring everything, and delved under my blanket, trying to lock out the demons that were haunting me. My bed springs squeaked as I curled up, feeling more alone than I ever had.
Right. Still as terrible as ever. Oh well.
It's evidence that I'm still alive at least? Oh well.
So yeah, I'm starting british college in a few days and honestly, I don't know if I'll be able to complete this. I hope I will – I really do – but I'm not setting any deadlines or promising anything. I'm sorry if you were into this lmfao but college is 50 shades of more important than fanfiction, sorry.