I miss those blue eyes
How you kissed me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe
But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything about you
I can't believe I still want you
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you
I see your blue eyes
Every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to when I'm not
Around you
It's like I'm not with me
But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want
You
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you
But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
(still you're gone)
Can't believe that I still want
You
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you
"Should I check on him?" Sam asked finding himself staring at the stairs again.
"No. Just let him be. He'll come down eventually." Bobby said with a tired tone.
Dean had been hiding in his room at Bobby's for almost two days. He had gotten up to the bathroom a few times and took an hour long shower yesterday but Sam couldn't tell you the last time he ate anything. Sam hadn't even seen his face since they got back from California. He was growing more and more worried about him since Cas had blasted himself to who knows where. Sam stared up the stairs for a while longer before finally returning his attention back to his research.
"Hey there." Gabriel said with a down trodden tone. Everyone was moping. Both Sam and Bobby jumped a mile at the unfamiliar voice. Bobby just sighed sadly when he looked up to see it wasn't Cas. Sam had introduced Gabe to Bobby the other morning. He had just looked between the two and smiled to himself. Sam of course had gotten teased but he knew Bobby meant well.
"Hi." Sam said with a weak smile.
"I've looked everywhere. I can't find him."
"You think he's dead?" Sam asked. Gabriel just gave him a look. Neither wanted to believe he was dead but given the facts it seemed that it was most likely true.
"Who's telling Dean?" Bobby asked.
"Give him a few more days. He'll probably come to the conclusion himself." Sam said. Gabriel nodded and moved from his position of leaning against the door jam to joining Sam on the couch. He sat with a pout on his face as Sam put his arm around his shoulders.
"I can't believe he's dead. I can't." Gabe whispered.
"I know neither do I but..." Sam said trailing off.
"I know." Gabriel whispered softly. Sam pulled Gabriel in and kissed him on the forehead.
"Let's go to bed." Sam said removing his arm from the angel's shoulders and taking his hand instead.
"Night Bobby." Sam said with an attempted smile.
"Night boys." Bobby said with the same sad smile.
Dean was far past crying. He had fallen into more of a dry heaving state as time wore on. The heavy sobs had been traded in for tremors all through his body and all he could think about was having his angel there to rub his back and calm him down. But his angel wasn't going to come and comfort him. The impact of what had happened hadn't hit him till much later. It wasn't until they finally made it back to Bobby's that he began to realize Cas was definitely most likely dead. He had stomped up into his room curled into the sheets and promptly started sobbing. He kept flashing back to their last kiss and he wished he had taken more. More than just a shallow kiss and his silky blue tie. He had been too confident they would all make it out that he didn't take every advantage of what he now knew had been their last seconds together. He felt absolutely ridiculous for crying so much but no matter what he couldn't stop. Even if he could eventually calm himself down the sobs would just return tenfold. He felt like an idiot. What grown man sobs like that? None he knew. He felt like a twelve year old girl crying over her boyfriend breaking up with her. But this was so different. The only person Dean had ever let himself love, let himself admit to loving, was gone. And he probably wasn't coming back. He wrapped the tie tightly along his knuckles and made a tight fist, grinding the fabric into his raw skin. He wished the tie had the capability to make him bleed because that's what he needed right now, something to remind him he was still real, even if the world felt fake. He longed to see the silky red seep out of his knuckles. He knew if he didn't sleep now he'd do something he'd regret so he trudged down the stairs to find the strongest liquor he could and poured himself a generous amount. He downed it all in two gulps and crawled back up the stairs and back into his room. He collapsed onto the bed and pulled the pillow against his body wishing it was Cas' cool body being pressed up against his warmer one. Dean was always warmer while Cas was much, much colder. Dean thought about the angel's cool breath trailing along his neck and he felt his whole body shiver. He had to remind himself that Cas' lips weren't hovering over his skin, it was just his cruel imagination. He bit down hard on his lip and closed his eyes tightly. He focused hard on sleep and when it never came he cussed under his breath. The effects of the alcohol were kicking in and his senses were dulled. He felt like he was nothing. He felt empty and raw. Like he had nothing left. He felt lost. It was then he realized Cas was definitely gone. He'd never felt that empty since he had been around Cas, The angel filled him up. Made him feel whole. And now that he was gone the missing piece was missing again. There were so many things Dean had wanted to tell him. More than just I love you. Because honestly, I love you could not even begin to cover what Dean felt for Cas. Dean couldn't put his feelings into words. He could never begin to describe the flutter in his chest when he heard the familiar rustle of Cas coming and going, or the excited turn in his stomach when Cas touched him, or the tickle in his nerves when they kissed or the pounding in his heart when the bright blue eyes stared into his. Dean felt the tears start up again and he cussed heavily. He was so sick of crying but it was the only emotion he could muster up. He wasn't even angry. He was just depressed.
"Cas?" Dean croaked out, "I love you. I wasn't done loving you. How dare you leave me."
Dean rolled himself out of bed and managed to stand up. He had no clue what time it was but it was dark outside and no one was around so he figured pretty late. He slumped into the kitchen and grabbed the same bottle as before only this time instead of pouring a glass he took the whole bottle and trudged back up the stairs. When he reached his room he plopped back down on the bed and chugged a third of the half full bottle. He didn't care in the least what side affects would come he just wanted sleep. He swallowed another mouthful and left the bottle on the floor. His body ached as he curled into a ball on his bed. He took note of the empty space next to him knowing it would fit his angel perfectly. He bit his tongue hard and squeezed his eyes shut trying to forget the pain. He could feel his mind shutting down and he let it happen begging for the sleep.
When Dean woke up he immediately felt his stomach lurch. Quickly he made his way to the bathroom and dropped on his knees in front of the toilet. As the alcohol came back up Dean heard someone else enter the bathroom. Sam sat on the edge of the tub next to Dean and rubbed Dean's back. Dean finished emptying his stomach and slumped against the toilet. He closed his eyes and leaned into his brother's touch.
"It's three o'clock Dean." Sam whispered.
"I know what you're getting at Sammy. And yeah, I know." Dean whispered back sadly.
"Castiel wouldn't want this for you." Sam tried.
"I know." Dean whispered. He lifted his head to face his brother who offered him a sympathetic smile. Dean stuck out his hand and Sam took it readily helping the older hunter to his feet. Dean followed Sam down the stairs and into the kitchen.
"Hey." Bobby said as he looked up from his book.
"Hi Bobby." Dean said a hint of depression lacing his voice.
"Hungry?" Bobby asked him.
"Not really." Dean said sitting down at the kitchen table.
"You haven't eaten for three days. You need to eat something." Bobby tried.
"Yeah I know, but..." Dean mumbled.
"But nothing. I'm not letting you destroy yourself over this."
"Over this?" Dean said with eyebrows raised. "This. Seriously Bobby. This, is Cas we're talking about. Cas. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. He isn't just some girl I've been fucking for a couple of weeks Bobby. I love him. And now he's gone."
"I know Dean. And I'm real sorry, I am. We all miss him, but there is no way I'm letting you wreck yourself over him. You think Cas wants this? What would he say if he saw you like this? Come on Dean! The kid has risked everything so you could save the world and you're gonna repay him by giving up? I don't think so." Bobby growled from his chair before rolling away angrily. Dean scowled but deep down he knew Bobby was right. He ground the heel of his hands into his eyes and groaned.
"I got a lead on a horseman. Pestilence. Get your sorry ass out of here and stop the Apocalypse. You damn idjit." Bobby wheeled in and gave Sam coordinates and wheeled away again.
"You heard him. Come on. Maybe a long drive in the Impala will make you feel better." Sam said placing a hand on Dean's shoulder.
"Maybe." Dean whispered and stood up to follow his brother out the door.
a/n: so the song in the beginning is a song by Colbie Caillat called I Never Told You. I really love the song and I thought it fit pretty well. Also I realized I never put a link for Jensen's song. So if anybody wants it this is it: watch?v=gyjfDUwH3vc Anyway I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I' not too happy with it but I guess it's good enough. Next chapter will be Hammer of the Gods, 5.19. Much love, tootles!