This is now officially the most depressing thing I ever wrote.
Warning: very dark, angst, smut, trigger warning.
Thank you so much for the request, I really needed that right now. :)
It happened in Paris. The first time he felt the regret, thought the words destined to become his constant companion for the rest of his eternity. They'd had a fight, nothing serious, a bagatelle, really. And to be honest, in secret he was already looking forward to the making-up part. Despite his usual vengefulness, he found himself unable to stay mad at her for long, never had been, even back in the very beginning, back in Mystic Falls.
He wasn't there when she was attacked.
He wasn't there when she defended herself, snapped the man's neck in one clean motion.
He was, however, present when the hallucinations started.
When she started talking to empty space, when she started sobbing for no apparent reason, when a glint of madness slowly found its way into her eyes, when she took off her daylight ring. When she begged him to let her die. When she begged him to kill her.
Why weren't you there to protect her the one time she needed you.
Distinctively, she threw her shopping bags to the ground, aware that he could hear her back in the other part of the house. He was there, she recognized him by the noises he produced, stalking about the room, shuffling about things. Typically Klaus. She snorted and made her way to the kitchen, getting herself a blood bag out of the refrigerator and put it into her favorite mug to heat it up in the microwave. B positive, warm, but not too warm.
She decided to spice it up with a bit of bourbon and returned to the living room and made her way to the bar and picked up the bottle. She cocked her head to the side, thought for a moment and then loudly banged the door of the lower part of the bar. She heard him growl back in his study and a satisfied smile crept up her face as she turned around.
It fell from her face instantly, and in shock she dropped the bottle. It crashed into a thousand pieces at her feet but she didn't even hear the noise it produced.
Before her stood her father.
Her dead father.
He stood there, smiling at her and she closed her eyes for a moment only to find that he was still there when she opened them again.
"Sweetheart, don't you think you're exaggerating a bit?" she heard Klaus' annoyed voice growling and she turned her head, wide eyed and saw him standing in the door frame, glowering at her.
She didn't say anything, just turned her head back to her father.
He was gone.
She gasped, staring at the empty space.
What the hell had just happened?
"Caroline?" Klaus asked, now less annoyed and more confused.
She found herself immobile, her heart racing in her chest.
Then, suddenly, she heard the noise of the microwave, indicating that her blood was done warming up. It pulled her out of her trance.
"Sorry," she mumbled, flustered and made her way to the kitchen to get stuff to clean up the mess.
He frowned, confused by the fact that she had apologized even though she'd been so intent on making sure he knew she was angry, before. Something was off.
But when she came out of the kitchen again, a cocky expression fixed on her face, ignoring his presence completely while cleaning up, he just let it go and returned to his study.
She had one hair buried in his hair, pulling it while the other was violently scratching marks down his back. To say it was a turn-on was an understatement. He quickened his pace, attacking her mouth furiously and she moaned, grasping onto him even tighter. Then, he moved kissing down her jaw to the back of her ear, and grabbed harder onto her backside, shifting the angle.
He kissed down her neck, finding the pulsing vein and bit down gently. She moaned again, moving against him. "Asshole," she snarled and he smirked, pulling away to look at her again.
"How about you retaliate, then?" he asked.
Angry sex was always the best. Well, definitely in the top ten.
She smirked back at him, but suddenly her face fell.
Pure terror claimed her eyes and he immediately stopped moving, a deep frown on his face.
"Caroline?" he asked, but she didn't respond, staring at him in an expression that he knew too well. On other people's faces, never on hers. She was looking at him as if she was afraid for her life.
He put his hand to her cheek, while he felt something crashing and burning inside his chest. "Caroline? What's going on?"
She didn't move. Then, suddenly, she pushed him away, tears spilling out of her eyes.
"GET OFF ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!"
He backed away immediately, staring down at her in absolute terror and confusion.
Then she turned her head, and moved her arms up to her face as if she was shielding it.
"Don't kill me, don't kill me. Please, please, don't kill me. Please," she whimpered and he lost his calm, gripping her upper arms in a desperate motion.
"CAROLINE, WHAT IS HAPPENING?"
She kept shaking her head, sobbing violently so he let go of her again and backed off, unable to come up with a solution. What was happening to her?
He watched her for a few moments, lost as to finding a way to calm her down.
Then, suddenly, it stopped.
She lowered her arms, her eyes still widened in shock and stared at him.
"What-" she asked, disbelief in her voice. Then she sat up in one swift motion, still staring at him.
"What-"
He looked back at her, worry painting his face. "Caroline, what happened?"
She opened her mouth as if to say something and then closed it again, shaking her head again.
He moved forward, carefully, afraid that he could trigger whatever had happened before to happen again and pulled her into his arms. She relaxed against him and he sighed in relief.
"I think I hallucinated," she whispered.
He frowned. Why would she hallucinate? What had she hallucinated?
Maybe it was the bite. Instantly, guilt settled in his guts and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. This had never happened before.
"Maybe you should drink, love," he said, his voice hoarse.
She moved up her head that was resting on his chest and bit down on his neck, carefully.
He pulled her closer as he felt her taking in his blood.
Why would she hallucinate?
They sat at breakfast the next morning and she acted as if nothing had happened.
He, however, hadn't forgotten about. A familiar feeling had taken root in his chest, something he hadn't felt ever since he had her.
Powerlessness, guilt, fear, anger. Something was off.
He'd ask one of his trusted witches next thing after breakfast.
Seeing her like this had shaken him to his core and it was not something he wanted to repeat.
While she was cleaning up the dishes he went off to his study, his mind fixed on the task at hand. He was skipping through the book that he kept his rarely used contacts in when he heard her scream.
Immediately, he flashed back to the kitchen, finding her standing there, staring into empty space again, just as she had yesterday.
"Caroline, what's wrong?" he barked, making his way to her quickly.
She turned her head towards him, fear and confusion painting her face.
"I…," she started and then looked down, her gaze betraying the thousand thoughts that went through her mind.
Suddenly, realization seemed to dawn on her and she looked back at him, her hands clasping over her mouth.
He took another step towards her, placing his hands on her shoulders.
"Tell me, love," he said. His patience was wearing thin.
She just stared at him.
Then, finally, she responded, her voice so quit that he wouldn't have heard it without his supernatural hearing. "I think I killed a hunter."
"You can't be serious, Nik," Rebekah whispered at the other end of the line.
"I am serious. Stop whatever you're doing and find me a hunter!" he barked into the phone, his hand clutching to the edge of his desk, almost crushing it under his force.
"I recognize the magnitude of the situation, Niklaus. But how are we supposed to do that?"
"I don't care!" he barked again, then took a deep shaky breath and closed his eyes for a moment.
"I can't leave her by herself."
He heard Rebekah crying on the other end of the line. If only heightened his anger.
She knew exactly what this meant.
She knew because she'd been there to witness it on him.
He knew exactly what it meant.
He had the room built in one day.
It contained no wood, had no windows. Only a metal bed and a shower in the corner of the room.
She convinced him not to go in yet.
As horrifying as the hallucinations were she was determined to try and deal with them without locking herself in, yet. Even when he promised to go in with her.
She would not kill herself. She'd never kill herself.
In all the torture and pain she'd endured in her life there had always been the one certainty that she didn't want to die. When everything else was gone, everything, everyone else, even all she knew about herself, the one thing that had always persisted, the red threat that helped her get up on her feet every single time was the absolute, self-evident certainty of her will to live.
She was not easily beaten.
An expression she'd never seen on him before painted his face as she told him.
But he complied with her wishes.
He never left her alone though, always hovering somewhere in the same room as her, patiently waiting out the hallucination and ready to comfort her afterwards.
But as much as he tried to cover it up she saw that look in his eyes.
Fear.
"You're a monster, sweetheart," her father said and she just turned away and tried to ignore him. Ignore the searing pain seeing him caused her.
"You know it in your heart. I am waiting for you. You belong on the other side."
Klaus sat by, watching her attentively. She hadn't given any indication that she was hallucinating again, but he always seemed to know.
"Do you remember when I picked you up from summer camp. Back when you were ten?"
She continued skipping through the magazine in front of her, not raising her gaze.
"Don't ignore me, Caroline, please. You know I love you."
She fought back the tears.
This was not real.
This was not real.
This was not a chance to see him again. This was a death-trap.
"You owe me this much. I died because of you."
Her breathing halted and her hand grabbed tighter onto the page she was looking at.
"If you hadn't become a vampire I wouldn't have come back into town. Tyler would never have called me. You should have ended it when you killed the boy."
Right, how could she forget.
He moved forward, leaning down so that he was face to face with her.
"You killed him Caroline. He was only doing his job. He just got it. He was so excited about it, his first real job after college. You know, he was struggling really hard before that. His mother had just died."
Lies, lies, there was no way he could know that.
"You killed me, Caroline," another voice said and she couldn't stop herself from raising her head.
He was there, right in front of her. Her first kill, covered in blood, looking at her with wide eyes.
"I just wanted to be happy, Caroline. I just wanted to get over the pain and get up on my feet again. I just wanted to rise above it and have a better future."
She lost it. She was unable to look away.
"But you did that instead of me, didn't you? You took my future from me and made it yours."
She wanted to say something, but nothing came out of her mouth. She knew it wasn't real, she knew it was manipulation. But it hit her nonetheless, right into the core.
It was as if her rational mind was slowly losing control. She could tell herself again and again but the dread kept slipping in. It was as if there was a switch that constantly flipped back, no matter how many times she fixed it into place.
"Everything you have, everything you ever achieved is built on my death. You stole my happiness."
She shook her head and jumped off the chair, fighting back the tears.
"This is not real, this is not real," she repeated.
Instantly, Klaus was by her side, placing his hands on her shoulders as she firmly held her eyes closed.
She would flip the switch however often it would have to be flipped.
"Honestly, Caroline. I never forgot how you tried to jump me the first chance you're god. Honestly, Care, you were pathetic. I never told you because I didn't want to hurt you. God, there was so much I never said because of that. You really thought you were helping me not give into the bloodlust? Honest to god, with your self-righteous, ignorant attitude and your feigned compassion, you made it worse. You don't have any idea how often I wanted to say that to your face. I never did. Because of Elena."
Stefan.
"We were never friends. I hated you ever since you became a vampire. Actually, I hated you before that. You always clung to Elena and me, god, you were such a bitchy brat. Did you ever wonder why we never spend the holidays with you? All that times we said we didn't have time for you? We needed you as bait later, so we kept you close. You were always so selfish. God, you disgust me."
Bonnie.
"I always had to hold back so much around you, Caroline. Do you know why you became Miss Mystics? Because I asked the judges for it. They originally wanted to crown me, but because I asked and I was grieving they complied. I always did that, all the time. I wanted to make you feel loved. Because, honestly, I was sorry for you. And you were always so full of yourself. You actually thought you were the queen of the school. You didn't realize how everyone was always laughing behind your back. And then you betrayed me. When I was going through my most difficult time yet, you couldn't even support me. After all I'd done for you. What Damon did to you was your own fault for being such a needy slut."
Elena.
"You know, blondie, I had a reason to choose you as my victim back then. Because you emitted all around you, the air of a victim, a needy, ugly little thing. Nobody ever loved you and you wanted to be love so, so bad. But no one could ever love you. You're a waste of space. You are immensely annoying and you don't even notice how everyone turns their heads away from you when you enter the room. Little bitch. Do you remember Caroline? Do you remember the first night I drank from you, the night I didn't compel you yet? Do you remember what happened afterwards? I can do it again if you'd like. I know you enjoyed it."
Damon.
"You repulse me. I never wanted to be with you, you forced me into it. And it got worse when you became a vampire. You were so sure of yourself. You only became worse of a person after you turned. I meant what I said. I can't even look at you. You make me want to vomit. I'm so sorry for Tyler. You latched onto him right after I dumped you, right?"
Matt.
"You chose Klaus over me. Klaus killed my mother. He drowned her. Do you remember how you died? No air. Remember, remember well. That is what Klaus did to my mother. Do you know what he did to my pack? He ripped out their heart, he chopped off their heads. You're a fucking slut, I knew that before, that's why I chose you. You were easy to get into bed, just like Vicki. But I never would have thought that you'd stoop that low."
Tyler.
It got harder every day. The hallucinations increased. She rarely had a free hour now.
Her mind was working overtime, and she'd grown constantly tried, vacant. She did her best to overplay it but he saw right through it.
They had nice moments in between. When he held her. When they watched TV. Sometimes he even managed to make her laugh.
Sometimes he'd wake up in the morning and for a moment he'd have forgotten about the circumstances, pulling her closer and kissing her, their legs entangled. But when he opened his eyes and saw the safe room they were sleeping he'd be ripped right back into reality.
He pretended not to feel the fear and the guilt consuming him.
Why weren't you there to protect her the one time she needed you.
He had his back to her, barking into the phone at Elijah, when he smelled it.
Burning flesh.
When he turned around his biggest nightmare unfolded before him.
She stood in the window, motionless as the fire started consuming her skin.
No matter how much she begged him not to, they moved to the room that night.
He couldn't bear to lose her.
He couldn't even bear to think about it.
He buried his face in his hands and she turned her head towards him, worry spreading on her face. She placed her hand on his shoulder, but he didn't react.
"Klaus?" she asked him.
"I can't do this anymore," he said, his voice hard.
What?
"I- What do you mean?" she asked, dread creeping into her. "I told you, you don't have to stay in here with me all the time."
He didn't move.
Then, suddenly, he turned towards her, hurt and a hint of anger in his eyes.
"I never thought it'd be like this," he said. Then, suddenly, he gripped her upper arms.
Her eyes widened at the sudden motion.
From one instant to the next, his face turned to stone.
"Klaus?" she asked.
He cocked his head to the side, eyeing her like she was something else, not his wife, an object, something disposable. She'd never seen him look at her like that.
Suddenly, she was pinned down on the bed.
A menacing smirk spread on his face and he leaned in to whisper in her ear as she froze in fear.
"You've become nothing but a burden. I should just get rid of you."
Something was off, something was wrong with this but the dread that claimed her made it impossible to think. She felt tears running down her eyes.
He leaned back a little again, changing into his hybrid face.
"Goodbye, Caroline," he whispered and then, in one clean motion he moved towards her neck, his intent clear. She screamed.
Nothing.
When she opened her eyes again she found him watching her, from the other side of the bed, pain evident in his eyes. They were wet.
"Is it over?" he asked and she closed her eyes again as relief rushed over her.
The tears didn't stop flowing, no matter how much she willed them to.
Her mind was blurry, foggy.
It had to have been a hallucination.
Why was she hallucinating again?
"Can I come over?" he asked, his voice hollow and in the back of her mind something clicked.
He must have known. He must have heard her say his name.
She had to be strong for him.
She wiped away the tears, rose and moved towards him, cuddling up in his arms. He pulled her closer, his hand stroking over her hair as she buried her head in his chest.
They didn't talk about it.
"There are no hunters anymore, Nik," Rebekah sobbed. "Silas is dead. She must have killed one of the last. We asked every witch we could find. We even had one contact Quetsiyah. There is no way."
Minutes.
They only had minutes now.
She didn't sleep anymore and neither did he.
It's my fault.
It's all my fault.
The 12 witches, the boy, the officers.
Elena, Stefan, Damon, Tyler, Bonnie, Matt, Elijah, Rebekah, Marcel. Klaus.
They're all dead.
I killed them.
I killed them.
They're all dead.
They're all dead.
"Let me die," she whispered.
"Please, please, PLEASE let me die. Just let me die, PLEASE."
"It's all my fault."
"Please."
"Please."
"Please. Please kill me. PLEASE. KILL ME PLEASE."
He kissed her one last time, even if she couldn't respond.
He savored the moment, her lips on his, her scent, the feeling of her skin, her warmth.
There was nothing else left of him, nothing to feel but pain, more pain than he'd ever felt before, even when he'd suffered from the curse himself.
Then, one last time, he looked into her vacant eyes, saw the glimmer of madness in them.
His pupils dilated.
"You will sleep now, peacefully. Forever. You will dream of the life we had and it will feel real to you."
Why weren't you there to protect her the one time she needed you.