Hi, everyone!
I'm so, so sorry for taking so long. I really hadn't have much time to write during these months...But I swear that I'll try to post the last chapter with the next two weeks!
A huge thank you to who has waited for me to update!
Enjoy!
*Disclaimer*: I don't own Ao no Exorcist or its characters!
The following day passed like a dream and Rin came to doubt that he had never really woken up. He didn't want to see anyone or do anything. Despite the Kuro's urging, he refused to eat, claiming that he was feeling nauseous, and, after having tried to find something that could keep himself distracted, he gave up and curled up in a corner of the bed where he remained motionless for almost all the time, knees brought to his chest and his chin resting on them. His blue eyes were lost in the void in front of him and, as it had happened at the hospital the night before, he was wrapped in utter apathy. The cat demon had tried in every way to make him move, but he was eventually forced to give up as well and, after having temporised in the room for a while casting continuous worried glances at his friend, he had opted to leave the dorm, deciding that Rin was not a danger for himself and that his presence was just a trouble for the boy's pain .
The half-demon almost didn't notice that he was alone, but after all it did not matter. Considering the state in which he found himself, he would have felt isolated as he was in the middle of nowhere even if he had been in the thicker crowd. The little part of him that noticed the creature's disappearance felt glad, because at that moment he had no desire to interact, especially to resume the discussion from the night before.
He let out a sigh. He was so pathetic, no it was much more, he felt sorry for himself. He couldn't go on like that until Yukio woke up, assuming that he trusted the Mephisto's words and that he believed that his brother would eventually come out of his coma. Yet, despite considered more than ridiculous that the state in which he was, he had neither the strength nor the will to change it, at least not that day. He still needed to get over the events that had fallen on him without notice. And then there was that damned uncertainty that kept him between hope and despair, consuming him more and more with the infinite slowness of the passing seconds. He should react, he knew that if he had stayed there, shut away from the world, he wouldn't have obtain nothing but feeling even worse. There was a voice in his head that repeated it as a chant, the voice of reason perhaps. But after all he had never listened to it, apart from in very specific circumstances.
The clouded sky lit the room with a gray glow, which, Rin noticed, couldn't have been more depressing. Usually he hated that kind of weather, he always found some not too friendly epithet to describe it, but that day the sky was the only thing that showed him some kind of silent understanding of his feelings as it stood, deprived of the beauty of its intense and ethereal blue, robbed of the light of its star. He was almost laughable. God, now he was also becoming melodramatic. But any excuse was good to think about anything else, any mental effort, even the stupidest and the most useless, was welcome if he could postpone for a while the urgent and inevitable confrontation with reality. Perhaps that was just that what was the most troublesome for him, the inevitability of some events that almost with scorn made vain all his attempts to change their course. And the most annoying of all things was death itself. That bastard had never cared about his suffered efforts, going past him without labour and forcing him to witness its triumph. Why wouldn't it do the same that time? It would let his prey go only because there was a madman who was convinced that it would have done? Rin had his doubts. If death was fated to win, then it would happen, no matter what Mephisto said. That was all. Or, at least, in theory it should have been. Because he wouldn't accept it, not again.
Rivers of memories invaded him along with the pain that they always brought with them and that they would always carried. Everyone could have forgiven him, he could have even forgiven himself, but he would never be able to get rid of that chain of suffering. Voices, flames, a pool of blood. The night he had lost the person who had allowed him to stay alive. The greatest act of love and, at the same time, perhaps the most unforgivable mistake of a life that he would have liked to see intertwined with his and Yukio's for more time, but that was torn away from them unfairly. Or maybe that was the punishment for what he was, the retaliation for the sin that flowed through his veins in the form of blood. Watching as the people he cared for were taken away from him one by one, seeing them die relentlessly and in vain for him. That thought shook once again his torpor interior with a painful shudder. He put his arms around his knees and squeezed them even more in his chest. Why did his mind always and only end in that direction? There had to be a reason. Or maybe Kuro was right and he did nothing but self-pitying, thinking that it would do the other's good when the truth was that it was nothing more than a mere act of selfishness.
He shook his head in exasperation. He didn't want to think about it. He tried to direct his thoughts elsewhere, looking for any subject that wasn't related to death and his present suffering. But his thoughts always returned to the same spot, no matter how much he groped among them trying to chase them away. His brother. Perhaps he was beginning to understand why Mephisto had prevented him from seeing him. Just imagining Yukio covered in blood, his clothes black, his flesh burnt and torn, motionless with his eyes shut made him nauseous. Seeing him in that state, really knowing that those wounds were real and seeing him unconscious would have made him mad with rage and pain. He would have blindly done something reckless for sure. He couldn't say that the headmaster was so wrong After all. But, on the other hand, seeing him still alive, even if not awake, would have perhaps nurtured his faint but stubborn hopes.
Almost instinctively he thought the last time he had seen his twin. They were so bloody close, too close. He was lost in his brother's eyes, that damned ocean blue eyes that often left him astonished with their impassivity and that, just as frequently, surprised him with their flashes of passion, as fleeting as intense. He felt himself blush and instinctively buried his face in the sleeves of his pyjamas. What the hell was he thinking?! Yukio was his twin brother, he shouldn't have that kind of reactions while thinking about him. But he was also the brother who had kissed him. And, Shima had rightly said the night before, there was only one reason that could explain that gesture, and little it mattered if in theory it was wrong in their case.
He muttered a few curses between his teeth. Why were those things in his mind now? They were almost worse than the pathetic thoughts of before. And yet he knew that he couldn't just forget that issue, no matter how much inconvenient it was. They would have to face it sooner or later. Unless Yukio had lost his memory due to some complication of coma, removing the day of his departure. But it would have been too good to become real, it would have made it too easy for him to pretend that nothing had happened. Assuming that he could have really pretended to have forgotten about it.
Another sigh escaped from his lips. Maybe it wasn't a bad idea to exploit his unnatural calm to reflect in a vaguely objective on the matter. And then he had nothing better to do. His memories flew back to that last scene, to their breaths mingled, to the strange expression in Yukio's eyes, to the cold lips pressed against his in a passionate kiss that lasted at the same time for a lifetime and for a moment. He hadn't had felt the taste of rotten that usually came together with guilt, but just the thrill of the forbidden, the dizziness of breaking a basic but still conventional rule. But it wasn't only that. There was a lot more, a lightness and a sweetness, a pure sincerity that badly suited a sin so rejected by both religious and civil laws, and that had left him with a sense of uncertainty and confusion, but not of guilt. Could that really be so wrong?
He raised his head again, looking out of the window. The light hurt his eyes, which told him that he had kept them shut for longer than he had thought. The sun had already passed the noon. After all, the last time had not passed as slowly as he was expecting. He had been sitting for hours without changing position and the numbness of his limbs seemed to confirm it. Maybe he had even dozed off at some point. He let out a small laugh. He was the one who teased his sibling if the other spent his days sitting at a desk to study or complete reports. Yukio at least always busied himself with something useful and didn't waste time as he was doing.
If the roles were reversed, if it had been him to be in a coma, the young exorcist wouldn't have been for sure sitting on the bed in despair. He would have thrown himself into his job or in his studies, even if he was sure that even the genius wouldn't have been able to detach his thoughts from his brother lying in a hospital bed. And that comforted him. Maybe Yukio would have insisted on seeing him, even though Mephisto would have advised him not to, he wouldn't have cared about the stated of his twin. But after all it had always been the younger who took care of him when he came home full of scratches and bruises and then it was at it too. He would have even forced the nurses to give him permission to take care of his therapy and change his bandages. He could see him sitting in his room next to the bed, with books and those damn reports, busy with preparing a lesson or correcting his class assignments, and occasionally raising his head to give him some sarcastic comment. It wouldn't have been the first time after all. He himself would never be able to do it. All that calm, though perhaps it was only apparent, in front of the shadow of death. But Yukio had his own way of fear and despise the things. And having Death sitting next to a hospital corridor wouldn't have changed that. Even now, in a sense, his twin was taking care of him with those memories, perhaps so insignificant to external eyes but that were all for them. After all there had never been big demonstrations or fanciful words between them, but small gestures and glances filled with meaning. And now more than ever Rin had become conscious of it.
He couldn't let himself go to waste in that way. He was the eldest, he should have been a good example to his brother, not the other way around. Too bad that he was always the one who needed to be taught. But that time there was no Yukio to come and get him out of bed, so he had to do it by his own. It was his chance to prove that he was strong and that he knew how to control his emotions. It was one more important step towards the acquisition of the control he needed to defeat their enemy.
He removed his arms from his knees and tried to get up, but his body protested greatly, all numb. He snorted but decided to wait a moment and reached for his hair clip. He felt a bit hungry actually. At the party he hadn't eaten much and so it was basically a day that didn't touch food. And of course Kuro had to be pretty hungry too. He would cook him his favourite dish for when the cat had returned. His friend deserved it, his presence had been essential as always.
He made another attempt to get out of the bed, this time successful, and headed towards the kitchen. It was time to be helpful, he had been numb for too long. Later he would call Mephisto to see if he had news. And the next day maybe he could ring to his friends and explain to them the situation. But it was better to do one thing at a time. Firstly he would cook, then he would deal with all the rest.
During the night, the clouds had finally disappeared, allowing the winter sun to reveal his pale light in the morning sky. The cold air came in through the half-open window of the twins' bedroom, carrying the smell of wet snow in and some rays of light. Rin had taken seriously his decision not to let the apathy got the better of him and he had worked hard to keep himself busy, cleaning the dorm from top to bottom and occupying the rest of the time doing culinary experiments of various kinds with Kuro.
At that moment the two were sitting in front of the oven, chatting and watching the cake that the half-demon had just put in rising. The cat demon was trying to look cheerful, hoping to somehow put the boy in a better mood and to distract him from his sad thoughts, and he had been relieved to see that Rin's spirits were visibly higher, even though he was still enveloped in a persistent state of melancholy, which was nourished by the fact that that day was his and his brother's birthday. The half-demon himself was doing his best not to fall apart again. He wasn't in the mood to have company, so he had declined with a sincere apology his friends' invitations to go out to celebrate, but he had decided that he would spend a beautiful day with Kuro, celebrating this occasion in the family as he had planned to do with Yukio. He couldn't help wishing that his twin was with him, but he tried to comfort himself thinking that soon the other would wake up and that they would have the chance to make it up for the lost occasions.
At the end of the previous day, Mephisto had telephoned him to tell him that he had moved the young exorcist from the hospital to his house because his condition seemed to have stabilized and also to be able to keep a better eye on the unconscious boy, or, using his exact words, "to check for any unexpected developments". Rin hadn't grasped the exact meaning of that last sentence, but hadn't paid much attention to it. He was already more than accustomed to the headmaster's oddities. Knowing the demon, that phrase could mean nothing, and the madman could have chose it it only because he thought it was dramatic. Or it could mean everything, but no one would ever be able to understand exactly what.
'How long will it take for the cake to be ready ?' Kuro asked slowly waving his tails . 'Watching it is making me hungry…'
"Half hour, more or less" the half-demon said with a smile. "Who's the greedy one now, huh, Kuro ? I just hope it'll be good…"
'It will be fantastic for sure. You made it, so it's guaranteed!' the cat demon stated nodding. 'But we have better not to eat it all today, or we'll be sick!'
"Of course. I made it for three or four people, so eating it all by ourselves won't be the best thing…" Rin sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I know it's silly, but I'm almost still hoping that Yukio will wake up today. It would be the best birthday gift I could ask for. But it's just a daydream…"
'Never say never, Rin . Maybe in his subconscious he knows that today is your birthday and, if his body allows him, he'll wake up just to get you the gift you wish for. It's happened in the past. People emerged from a coma on days that represented something special for them.'
The boy glanced at him doubtfully. "It sounds a bit weird to me. I think it was just a coincidence. And, even if it were true, who says that our is one of those cases? After all it's just a birthday…" he muttered bitterlu.
'Just a birthday, you say? For Yukio you're the most important person in the world and so everything about you is important. Don't try to deny it' Kuro scold him, shaking his head at his feigned and false stubbornness. 'And, even if you'd never admit it, not even under torture, you feel the same about him. We all have realized that you and your brother have a special bond, even if you do nothing but discuss all day!'
At these words Rin's face turned bright red. It was obvious that the cat demon didn't mean what had come into hi mind, but his words had reminded him too much those that Mephisto had offered him, not without malice, that evening on the True Cross terrace. He mentally cursed the principal for the umpteenth time and cleared his throat, trying to compose himself. "If you say so…" he managed to say, turning away, embarrassed.
'Are you alright, Rin?' the creature asked, looking at him carefully. 'Your face is all red. And I can feel your embarrassment. Have I said something I shouldn't have?"
"No, no, Kuro, that's not…I…I was just thinking…" the half-demon stuttered waving his hands in front of him. "It has nothing to do Yukio, do not even think about it!"
'Er, Rin, I wasn't implying that whatever is embarrassing you had something to do with your brother. But apparently it does. What happened? Is it by chance the other thing that has been haunting you but that you refused to tell me?'
The boy blushed even more, not knowing what he should say. He had put himself in troubles once again. And now? What could he tell to his friend? 'Oh, no, no, Kuro , it's nothing important. You see, Yukio and I kissed like lovers, something that brothers really shouldn't do, and I suspect that he is in love with me! And what about me? Well, I don't know, the thing is a just a bit illegal and morally wrong, but I cannot help thinking about that kiss over and over and about how beautiful Yukio's eyes are!" he thought sarcastically, imagining the cat demon's shock if he had confessed to what was the real reason of his distress. That really wouldn't do.
"Uh, Kuro, I don't think…I'm not ready to talk about it" he mumbled at last, trying to sound convincing. "It's also about Yukio and so…We need to discuss it before. One day we'll tell you, I promise, but just not now". At the end of the sentence he realized that he was already regretting to have spoken those words. Not for what Kuro would have thought, it was almost impossible that his friend could guess what he and Yukio were hiding, but rather because to his own ears it had sounded as if it was something more than a single kiss.
'As you wish, Rin. I'll wait' the creature agreed, shooting him a perplexed look. 'But try not to made mess. I don't know why but I have the impression that you yourself don't know exactly what you're hiding.'
The boy stood for a moment, struck by those words. Kuro had a point. He had admitted to himself that he didn't know what to think about the whole situation. And, on one hand, he would have rather not to ever know. He opened his mouth to reply, but someone knocked on the front door, preventing him from starting his sentence.
With a sigh, the half-demon got up and walked towards the entrance. It had to be one of his classmates who hadn't been persuaded by his apology on the phone. He hadn't yet told them what had happened to Yukio, he hadn't felt like doing it. So he wouldn't be surprised if at least one of them had come to find out what was going on. His friends could be really stubborn. He opened the door, getting ready to cough up some excuse to quickly send away the newcomer, but the words died in his throat as soon as he realized that the person in front of him was Mephisto. The latter offered him a seraphic but at the same time decidedly disturbing smile and waved a hand at him in greeting.
"Good morning, Rin ! ~ How are you feeling?" he exclaimed cheerfully, slipping inside without waiting to be invited. "Oh, there's something smelling really good here! Are you cooking? I guess so, today is your special day after all! By the way, happy birthday."
"Alright, thank you…What do you want?" Rin asked impatiently, throwing him a look that was anything but happy. That demon acted always as if he was in his own home, even when he knew that he was not a welcome guest. Besides, having him visiting their dorm was never a good sign. However he noticed that the other's grin that time seemed not to have the usual tinge of evil it carried when the headmaster came to bring him bad news. A thought struck him, making his irritation immediately disappear. "Is it about Yukio? Are there any news? Has something happened? Has he…wake up?" he quickly inquired without even trying to hide the note of anxiety that pervaded his tone. He did have every right to hope, didn't?
"My goodness, what a sudden change of mood! All the stress of these days has made you lunatic!" the principal teased heading for the kitchen to take a look at the source of the scent, not bothering to answer his questions. "Seriously Rin, you should relax. I say this for your own good."
"I was fine before you came along!" he retorted irritably, following him. "So? Talk, will you? You never show up without a good reason. I want an answer, you damned clown!"
"Rude as always, uh? You make me regret coming here! Calm down, will you? And relax, I'm not bringing bad news". The smirk on the headmaster's face took a genuinely amused turn. He remained silent for a moment, enjoying the view of the half-demon who, in spite of his irritation, couldn't help hanging off his words, and then declared: "It seems that someone has decided that you must at all costs get your birthday gift in time! He must be really crazy about you!"
Rin's eyes widened and he had to lean against a chair, too shocked to even pay attention to the other's mockery and to the insinuations. If that wasn't just another of madman's games, then his words meant exactly what Kuro had said just a little earlier. The nightmare was really over. He hardly had the strength to believe it. "Take me to him immediately" he ordered peremptorily, grabbing his jacket and pulling Mephisto by the arm. "Kuro , can you take care of the cake while I'm gone ? Yukio will eat his portion too!"
'Don't worry, Rin. I'll take care of everything' the cat demon assured with a beaming smile. 'What did I tell you ? Come on, go to see Yukio!'
The half-demon grinned back grateful and dragged the headmaster out of the room by force. The latter muttered something like "What manners!" but was readily ignored and he eventually resigned himself to follow the boy who was almost trembling with impatience.
"Calm down, Rin. I understand that you are anxious to see your brother, but I would ask you to control yourself just before you end up destroying something because of your agitation" he muttered pulling out of his pocket one of his special keys. "It's my house after all. If it was a different place I wouldn't care at all…"
Rin made a hasty gesture of assent. "Alright, alright, but hurry up" he agreed, crossing his arms over his chest. "Or I'll really end up destroying something."
Mephisto shook his head and sighed theatrically, but he hurried as he was told. He didn't want any other trouble. He had already been forced to write boring reports about what had happened to the team of exorcists to which Yukio belonged and he had no intention to fill out additional forms to claim compensation for eventual damages.
The door opened again, this time into the hall of the demon's apartment. Normally Rin would have stopped to look with my mouth open space at huge and richly decorated room and to make some misplaced comment, but right them his mind was too busy to care about his surroundings. His host took him upstairs explaining that Yukio had been settled into the guest room and that Amaimon was taking care of him in that moment. Assuming that the green-haired demon knew how to take care of something or someone who was not himself.
"Amaimon…Thanks, but really, I don't want it". A familiar voice rang out in the corridor, the tone gentle but forced, and reached Rin's ears along with the so much awaited confirmation that it was not a bad joke.
The half-demon froze for a moment on the spot, feeling a thousand emotions invade him. They had really returned him his twin. He quickly shook out of his stunned state and Almost run until he reached the door. Yukio was sitting on a bed, the sheets wrapped around the legs. He was bare-chested and most of his breast and stomach was covered with thick white bandages, as well as his upper arms. Luckily, his face seemed not to have been touched by the flames and, expect for his hair being messy and the absence of his glasses, which lay forgotten on the night stand, he was the same as always. The young exorcist was arguing with Amaimon, who was crouched in front of him, and was trying in every way to force him to eat a lollipop.
"Come on, Aniue said that you need energy! And sugar is good for that!" the demon was saying with his usual flat tone, handing the sweet to the boy who kept on moving away. "Come on, little brother, stop being pesky."
"I told you I'm not hungry, Amaimon! I'm fine!" the other protested pushing his hand away. "Thank you so much for all this attention, but I do not need it."
"What, are you afraid that it's poisoned by any chance?" Amaimon asked suspiciously.
"No! Why would I ever think such a thing?! It's just that…" Yukio began to explain exasperated, but was interrupted.
"I'll show you that it's not". Amaimon looked at him almost defiantly, then put the lollipop in his mouth, taking care to suck it. "Are you happy? Do you think that I would have been stupid enough to try it in turn if it had been poisoned? Here! And now stop complaining!" he exclaimed with determination. "Eat". And he unceremoniously forced the candy into the boy's lips without giving him time to react.
The exorcist immediately blushed, but he didn't dare to remove the lollipop from the mouth and simply tighten his fingers around the plastic stick, embarrassed. "Only you could do such a thing, Amaimon…" he sighed, shaking his head.
The demon looked at him questioningly. "Huh? Why, what's wrong now?" he inquired.
"Sometimes I wonder how you can be a demon, Otouto" Mephisto interjected incredulous, raising his eyes at his brother's naivety, causing the two of them to turn towards the door. "You're too…candid at times."
"But, Aniue, I did what you told me!" Amaimon protested a bit irritated. "What the hell! You always have something to say! What have I done time?"
"Nothing, Amaimon. But let's discuss it somewhere else. Our host has a visitor. And we must give him a bit of privacy". The headmaster walked towards the bed and grabbed his sibling's arm, dragging him out of the room without another word and closing the door behind him.
As soon as the two demons were gone, Yukio turned to look at his twin brother, a small flash lighting up his ocean blue eyes. Rin returned his gaze, still bewildered by the scene he had just witnessed, but he seemed to forget about it as soon as his irises sank in his brother's ones. The shadow of impending death that had tormented him while Yukio was in a coma was gone and he had got his usual cockiness back. Now he was going to get back at that idiotic four-eyes for making him worried sick.